(text-colour:white)[''1950s Great Aunt''
(cycling-link:"So this story of an ancestor reveals itself to me","My Grandpa's sister, a woman I never knew","I wonder what he would have thought of her truth")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
(cycling-link:"I wonder how they are both spending eternity","Though they are both long gone now","The idea of revisting this revolution falls on me")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
(cycling-link:"I wonder where she is","I wonder if she’s burning")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
(cycling-link:"I wonder if her brother is mourning","I wonder if he cares at all")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
(cycling-link:"I wonder if he’s adorned and all","I wonder if her brother is yearning")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
(cycling-link:"I wonder if he wishes for a retrial","I wonder if he can’t take it anymore")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
(cycling-link:"I wonder if he’s fine with the sentence","I wonder if he sees her fire as just")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
(cycling-link:"I wonder if she wishes she was soot","I wonder how everyone’s okay with it")
`🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥`
I wonder how I used to look away from it
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Everything is cyclical, so you can be:
[[there->I'm Afraid No One Will Get It]]|[[here->1950s Great Aunt]]|[[everywhere->Suicidal Ideation]]
Just remember: most people spend their
whole lives trying to get to [[Heaven->Did I choose right?]].
But somethings you will
be lucky enough to [[escape->wait till i get older]].]
(click-replace: "I wonder how I used to look away from it")[Now I sit here and embrace it]
(click-replace: "Now I sit here and embrace it")[I wonder how [[I used to look away from it->Suicidal Ideation]]]
(click-replace: "🔥")[(cycling-link:"🙏","🔥")]I’m gonna be 20 soon
But I might not make it
I can’t live in this world
I just can’t take it
I digress
Please [[regress->I'm Afraid No One Will Get It]](align:"=><=")[Before life, there was nothing.
Before you, there was a [[choice->Make a choice]].]I thank God everyday
For the things He has made
Though how awful they are, really!
I am still grateful in spite
I am thankful for His works
Though I did not always think this
I digress
Please [[regress->Surviving]](align:"=><=")[Sometimes the hardest choices
End up being inconsequential,
But more earnestly
You will learn the consequences
Of hard choices
(click-replace: "Of hard choices")[Of hard choices
[[Did I choose right?
I hope so,
But God only knows.->Surviving]]]
]I can feel the
(click-replace: "I can feel the")[Emotions swell]
(click-replace: "Emotions swell")[Under mine eyes]
(click-replace: "Under mine eyes")[I can feel the
Emotions swell
Under Mine eyes
Sinus a beehive
Hexagonal holes
In my pores
They fly in
Mine Nose]
I digress
Please [[regress->Surviving]]I've found joy not because the things of this life,
but the things not of this life that grant me
permission to be happy and live fully.
This is (text-style:"underline")[[[An Undecided Fate|Title Page]]]I try to find Heaven
In the bite of a bagel
I know this world is temporary, maleable, and misunderstood
We aren't going to be here for long\
I digress
Please [[regress->Suicidal Ideation]](align:"==>")+(box:"=X")[(text-colour:black)[God loves me
The only one to ever trust me
As He is always with me
Because He will be there
You can count on Him
He will protect me]
(text-colour:black)[Everything is cyclical, so you can be: [[there->Thankful]]|[[here->God Loves Me]]|[[everywhere->Surviving]]
Just remember: most people spend
their whole lives avoiding [[Hell->Inherently Wrong Choice]].
But somethings will
reveal themselves to [[you->Rejoice]].]]
(click-replace: "God loves me")[God has got me]
(click-replace: "God has got me")[God loves me]
(click-replace: "The only one to ever trust me")[God releases my fears]
(click-replace: "God releases my fears")[The only one to ever trust me]
(click-replace: "As He is always with me")[Don’t fret for the future]
(click-replace: "Don’t fret for the future")[As He is always with me]
(click-replace: "Because He will be there")[No matter what]
(click-replace: "No matter what")[Because He will be there]
(click-replace: "You can count on Him")[God always loves me]
(click-replace: "God always loves me")[You can count on Him]
(click-replace: "He will protect me")[And in this way
[[Nothing can ever->Rejoice]] stop [[me->little boy]]](text-colour:white)[I’m afraid no one will get it
Because they came from a place
Birthed from the darkness of Pain’s womb
But now I sprinkle that dried placenta
Because all though it is all behind me
Thankfully obliterated and suffocated
Now I laugh at remembrance
[[;;;->Suicidal Ideation]]
Everything is cyclical, so you can be:
[[there->Suicidal Ideation]]|[[here->I'm Afraid No One Will Get It]]|[[everywhere->1950s Great Aunt]]
Just remember: most people spend their
whole lives trying to get to [[Heaven->Did I choose right?]].
But somethings you will
be lucky enough to [[escape->wait till i get older]].]
(click-replace: "I’m afraid no one will get it")[They will [[see->The Devil Enters]] the words and dismiss them]
(click-replace: "Because they came from a place ")[That might not be known]
(click-replace: "That might not be known")[They’ve come from a place]
(click-replace: "They’ve come from a place")[That hid for so long]
(click-replace: "That hid for so long")[Because they came from a place ]
(click-replace: "Birthed from the darkness of Pain’s womb")[Umbilical cord cut at 21]
(click-replace: "Umbilical cord cut at 21")[A [[birthday->20]] in the darkness of Pain’s womb]
(click-replace: "But now I sprinkle that dried placenta")[Over all my meals and morals]
(click-replace: "Over all my meals and morals")[Trying to stretch the values]
(click-replace: "Trying to stretch the values")[Over a thousand years of dying]
(click-replace: "Over a thousand years of dying")[But now I sprinkle that dried placenta]
(click-replace: "Because all though it is all behind me")[Everyday inside I see]
(click-replace: "Everyday inside I see")[The visions and automatic tears]
(click-replace: "The visions and automatic tears")[Built again and again until the end]
(click-replace: "Built again and again until the end")[Because all though it is all behind [[me->little boy]]]
(click-replace: "Thankfully obliterated and suffocated")[4 year old me]
(click-replace: "4 year old me")[To justify the woeful misery]
(click-replace: "To justify the woeful misery")[Because he once was so helpless and innocent]
(click-replace: "Because he once was so helpless and innocent")[Thankfully obliterated and suffocated]
(click-replace: "Now I laugh at remembrance")[A funeral of necessity]
(click-replace: "A funeral of necessity")[Letting go at 23]
(click-replace: "Letting go at 23")[Now I laugh at [[remembrance->1950s Great Aunt]]](enchant:?page,(bg:cyan))I’m
(click-replace: "I’m")[I’m
Nervously
In love]
(click-replace: "In love")[In love
With the wrong type
Of gun]
(click-replace: "Of gun")[Of gun
The one
You know the]
(click-replace: "You know the")[You know the
One that does it for you or me
With a tiny little trigger]
(click-replace: "With a tiny little trigger")[With a tiny little trigger
That slips around my ring finger
Eternity is bare and ready for my]
(click-replace: "Eternity is bare and ready for my")[Eternity is bare and ready for my
Taking but the oven is hot
And I’m the one who’s baking]
(click-replace: "And I’m the one who’s baking")[And I’m the one who’s baking
I digress
Please [[regress->Suicidal Ideation]]](align:"=><=")[Sometimes the hardest choices
End up being inconsequential,
But more earnestly
You will learn the consequences
Of hard choices
(click-replace: "Of hard choices")[Of hard choices
[[I'm scared that any choice I make is inherently the wrong one.->The Devil Enters]]]](align:"=><=")[Even if you make a [[choice->Did I choose right?]],
You will still have more [[choices->Inherently Wrong Choice]].
Life isn't monolithic,
It weaves and winds up like a ribbon.](text-colour:black)+(bg:(hsl:30,0.8039,0.5,0.55))[Suicide on my mind
Telling God I love um
The despair wiped from my ledger
Godly love is unconditional
But mine wasn’t]
(link: "My Love is Mine All Mine")[(goto-url: 'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx4kLgnFexo')]
I digress
Please [[regress->Suicidal Ideation]]Rejoice! Rejoice!
Because ''you'' are here
Against all measures and
Beyond all odds
And at the ends of the world
Your life has meaning again
You can now [[transcend->Found Joy]]
Leave behind anything and every
Thing that made you die
That made your [[life->life is]] a lie
Nightmare, sorrow, oh pity me!
I need reciprocity
To go now ahead
Lead the way
On the day of the dead(text-colour:white)[''[[Suicidal->On My Mind]] [[Ideation->I'm Nervously]]''
Contemplating creation
Doomed by what’s within us
But what even is this
Death is surely among us
Spots of a memory
A face split in two
No closer to heaven
For what I think is missing
I think I’m almost done
My heart is relatively full
For it’s never known nothing more
A yearning only He can fill
Everything is cyclical, so you can be:
[[there->1950s Great Aunt]]|[[here->Suicidal Ideation]]|[[everywhere->I'm Afraid No One Will Get It]]
Just remember: most people spend their
whole lives trying to get to [[Heaven->Did I choose right?]].
But somethings you will
be lucky enough to [[escape->wait till i get older]].]
(click-replace: "Contemplating creation")[Betrayed by knowledge]
(click-replace: "Betrayed by knowledge")[Apple seeds implanted]
(click-replace: "Apple seeds implanted")[[[Contemplating creation->Gluttonous Search]]]
(click-replace: "Doomed by what’s within us")[Time eludes or colludes us]
(click-replace: "Time eludes or colludes us")[A family torn by love]
(click-replace: "A family torn by love")[Doomed by what’s within us]
(click-replace: "Doomed by what’s within us")[''A family torn by [[love->impossible love]]'']
(click-replace: "But what even is this")[A misunderstanding or declaration of fate]
(click-replace: "A misunderstanding or declaration of fate")[Time is running rather late]
(click-replace: "Time is running rather late")[But what even is this]
(click-replace: "Death is surely among us")[For it never truly leaves us]
(click-replace: "For it never truly leaves us")[Death is surely among us]
(click-replace: "Spots of a memory")[Vaguely disembodied]
(click-replace: "Vaguely disembodied")[Spots of a memory]
(click-replace: "A face split in two")[One sides uneven]
(click-replace: "One sides uneven")[A face split in two]
(click-replace: "No closer to heaven")[Talks of being fair]
(click-replace: "Talks of being fair")[As if I was ever there]
(click-replace: "As if I was ever there")[No closer to heaven]
(click-replace: "For what I think is missing")[Like the devil at a christening]
(click-replace: "Like the devil at a christening")[It has no place]
(click-replace: "It has no place")[Only a blank and nameless face]
(click-replace: "Only a blank and nameless face")[Like the devil at a christening]
(click-replace: "I think I’m almost done")[Smoke signals from a gun]
(click-replace: "Smoke signals from a gun")[I think I’m almost done]
(click-replace: "A yearning only He can fill")[I’m sorry your expectations weren’t real]
(click-replace: "I’m sorry your expectations weren’t real")[A [[yearning|1950s Great Aunt]] only He can fulfill]
(click-replace: "fulfill")[fulfill, for I am [[fulfilled->wait till i get older]]](align:"<==")+(box:"XXX==")[(text-colour:black)[I've been surviving so long
It's all I can remember]
[(text-colour:transparent)[Felix culpa]]
(text-colour:black)[I would look up and pray
To halt the rhythm within me
And meet Him up above
I wanted to meet my maker
Because His was the only love I felt
I would ask Him “How are you?”
But I see that it was all worth it]]
(align:"<==")+(box:"XXX==")[(text-colour:black)[Everything is cyclical, so you can be: [[there->God Loves Me]]|[[here->Surviving]]|[[everywhere->Thankful]]
Just remember: most people spend
their whole lives avoiding [[Hell->Inherently Wrong Choice]].
But somethings will
reveal themselves to [[you->Rejoice]].]]
(click-replace: "I've been surviving so long")[There isn’t a time]
(click-replace: "There isn’t a time")[I've been surviving so long]
(click-replace: "It's all I can remember")[When I didn’t want to be here]
(click-replace: "When I didn’t want to be here")[It's all I can [[remember->1950s Great Aunt]]]
(click-replace: "Felix culpa")[[[Felix Culpa->Blessed]]]
(click-replace: "I would look up and pray")[For God to change me]
(click-replace: "For God to change me")[I would look up and pray]
(click-replace: "To halt the rhythm within me")[To free me from this world]
(click-replace: "To free me from this world")[To halt the rhythm within [[me->little boy]]]
(click-replace: "And meet Him up above")[Even if he sent me down below]
(click-replace: "Even if he sent me down below")[And meet Him up above]
(click-replace: "I wanted to meet my maker")[To see Him and His reasons]
(click-replace: "To see Him and His reasons")[I wanted to meet my maker]
(click-replace: "Because His was the only love I felt")[If it was worth it to love me]
(click-replace: "If it was worth it to love me")[Because His was the only [[love->God Loves Me]] I felt]
(click-replace: "I would ask Him “How are you?”")[Because I've been [[struggling->Emotion]]]
(click-replace: "But I see that it was all worth it")[I've met you now, and I understand it]
(click-replace: "I've met you now, and I understand it")[But I see that it was all worth it]
(click-replace: "But I see that it was all worth it")[I've met you now, and I [[understand|Thankful]] it](align:"=><=")[(text-colour:black)[I feel so thankful
To be known
By God.
The Maker!]
(click-replace: "God.")[the God of our universe]
(click-replace: "of our universe")[of our World]
(click-replace: "of our World")[of an ant]
(click-replace: "By the God of an ant")[By [[God->God Loves Me]]]
(click-replace: "!")[ of air]
(click-replace: "air")[sun]
(click-replace: "sun")[sadness]
(click-replace: "of sadness")[of the [[Devil->The Devil Enters]]]
(click-replace: "of the ")[of angels & the ]
(click-replace: "angels & the Devil")[me]
(click-replace: " me")[ [[everything->The Maker of Everything and Me]]]
(text-colour:black)[Everything is cyclical, so you can be: [[there->Surviving]]|[[here->Thankful]]|[[everywhere->God Loves Me]]
Just remember: most people spend
their whole lives avoiding [[Hell->Inherently Wrong Choice]].
But somethings will
reveal themselves to [[you->Rejoice]].]](align:"=><=")+(box:"X")[(text-colour:red)+(bg:black)[''The devil [[enters->1950s Great Aunt]]
through the [[eye->You Are Not Looking]] of the beholder
and exits through the [[mouth->I'm Afraid No One Will Get It]]
with insidious (cycling-link:"vitriol","vulgar","vinegar").''
Stuck?]]
(click-replace: "Stuck?")[Don't speak,
shut your [[mouth->I'm Afraid No One Will Get It]],
[[enter->1950s Great Aunt]] me,
and you will [[see->You Are Not Looking]].
''E''ver''y''wh''e''re you can go.
Still stuck?]
(click-replace: "Still stuck?")[Everything is cyclical, so you can always be: [[somewhere->I'm Afraid No One Will Get It]]|[[here->The Devil Enters]]|[[elsewhere->1950s Great Aunt]]](align:"=><=")[''(text-colour:black)[The Maker of [[everything->The World]]]
(click-replace: "The Maker of")[[[me->little boy]] &]''](text-colour:black)+(bg:white)[The world is so beautiful
I am sorry it has to die]
I digress
Please [[regress->The Maker of Everything and Me]](align:"=><=")[(text-colour:#e4ddb9)+(bg:black)[(text-style:"bold","tall")[(cycling-link: "An Undecided Fate","Un Destino Indeciso","Incerto Fato","مصير لم يحسمגורל לא מוכרע","μια αδιευκρίνιστη μοίρα")]
(cycling-link: "by Drew Ott","by Somebody","~~by Drew Ott~~","by Nobody")
Enter here:(text-style:"blink")[[[📍->Before Life]]]]](text-colour:magenta)[You are not just ''looking''
At some pretty ''flower''
Or studying is molecular ''structure''
It’s rooted, it’s knee ''deep''
It’s further than a human eye can [[see->The Devil Enters]]
It’s watered by tears of the ''masses''
And uplifted by the insidious ''laughter''
I digress
Please [[regress->The Devil Enters]]]When I think about this love.
This dream like love.
This trance inducing love, and I think.
It’s unattainable.
It’s unrealistic; it can’t be for me.
But yet the hope of this kind of love signals a calming [[warmth->1950s Great Aunt]].
I digress
Please [[regress->Suicidal Ideation]]Life is one big prayer
Wishing away all the things that aren't fair
This is (text-style:"underline")[[[An Undecided Fate|Title Page]]]Little boy, all alone,
I'm sorry you are on your own.
No one to parade you around town.
No one to flip your frown.
I hope one day you get [[found->Rejoice]].''Wait till I get older''
I’ve lived and lied my way about
I’m sorry for all the pain I caused
Cause I’ve tried my hand
But I’m just a human
But I’ve changed for truth
It’s set me free
(click-replace: "Wait till I get older")[You’ll see what’s made of me]
(click-replace: "You’ll see what’s made of me")[All the doubt that surrounded]
(click-replace: "All the doubt that surrounded")[Is shrouded by my turnkey]
(click-replace: "Is shrouded by my turnkey")[Wait till I get older]
(click-replace: "I’ve lived and lied my way about")[But that’s all past me now]
(click-replace: "But that’s all past me now")[I’m sitting here before you]
(click-replace: "I’m sitting here before you")[Buck naked against a measured wall]
(click-replace: "Buck naked against a measured wall")[I’ve lived and lied my way about]
(click-replace: "I’m sorry for all the pain I caused")[A formal apology]
(click-replace: "A formal apology")[It won’t bring back the lives I took]
(click-replace: "It won’t bring back the lives I took")[I’m sorry to the families]
(click-replace: "I’m sorry to the families")[I’m sorry for all the pain I caused]
(click-replace: "Cause I’ve tried my hand")[At an honest life]
(click-replace: "At an honest life")[With much to no avail]
(click-replace: "With much to no avail")[So I went back to sinning]
(click-replace: "So I went back to sinning")[It’s a cycle straight from Hell]
(click-replace: "It’s a cycle straight from Hell")[Cause I’ve tried my hand]
(click-replace: "But I’m just a human")[And that’s all part of life]
(click-replace: "And that’s all part of life")[Cheating and stealing]
(click-replace: "Cheating and stealing")[Just to feed my wife]
(click-replace: "Just to feed my wife")[But I’m just a human]
(click-replace: "But I’ve changed for truth")[The shackles can't permit]
(click-replace: "The shackles can't permit")[I can swing my fists above the air]
(click-replace: "I can swing my fists above the air")[But I’ve changed for truth]
(click-replace: "It’s set me free")[And frame the moons lilt.]
(click-replace: "And frame the moons lilt.")[It’s set me [[free->Surviving]]]