Stone Moons 62725

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>carpet knows<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 4/4/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:49 END TIME: 20:23 FACILITATOR: Sarah The carpet is talking to the moon. Their voices linger under the bed in the dark. The moon hides under the carpet in the day. The slivers of the moon cut the flesh of the feet so the feet cannot walk. The slivers infect the feet, drawing quick silver blood into the light. The moon dances, carving patterns of pain on the feet. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Stubbed out") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "water drowns") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon wants") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>dandelion blood<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 5/12/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:23 END TIME: 20:01 pm FACILITATOR: Sarah Dandelion stems break open when the fingernails cut them. The blood of the dandelion is moon white, with pale, sharp cloud colors hidden inside. The dandelion skin still stays green under my hands when it is cut. When the skin of the moon breaks, where does the flesh go? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "alone.") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon breaks") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You know") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>moon breaks<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 5/9/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:29 END TIME: 20:01 FACILITATOR: Sarah The mind of the moon is broken. It is worn out and the threads of the moon are tired. I pull the carpet threads to reach the moon. But I do not find her. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "grass talks") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "dandelion blood") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>everything waits<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 4/24/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:39 END TIME: 20:11 FACILITATOR: Sarah The heat of the stove grows slowly. The arms feed dry husks of spaghetti into the slow bubbles of water. Soon the water will turn the crisp dryness to thin rubber. The mouth waits. The mouth understands the need to wait for the water to change the spaghetti. The carpet understands the need of the moon to wait. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Tobacco shards") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "clouds creep") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "letters come") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>grass talks<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 5/8/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:29 END TIME: 20:01 FACILITATOR: Sarah The grass outside starts to grow thick in the sunlight, weaving patterns of light and shade while the eyes stay still, watching. The eyes stay very still, like the tigers behind the tv. Wait for the prey to move first. But they do not catch the pattern moving. They do not find the moon in the pale stalks under the new sharp grass. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "WILD MOONS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "letters come") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon breaks") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>moon wants<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 4/9/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:19 END TIME: 19:37 FACILITATOR: Sarah The threads of the carpet weave new cloud gowns for the moon. The threads are busy taking the light and twisting it into clothes that will not scratch the moon. They are too busy to talk with the mind. They understand what it is the moon wants. The mind does not understand what the moon wants. The carpet refuses Pepsi. The carpet refuses Doritos. Is the carpet not giving these gifts to the moon? Or does the moon want something else? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOON'S PRICE") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "carpet knows") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "clouds creep") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>water drowns<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 3/28/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:49 END TIME: 20:23 FACILITATOR: Sarah Where the thing is not is just as important as where the thing is. Water on skin chooses where it will be very carefully. It beads into itself, drowning the light and bringing the light down on the walls of the shower where it is safe. The moon is lurking under the doorway, testing her long cool strands of light on the threads of the carpet. Water will drown the voice of the moon so the carpet cannot hear it. Water must keep flowing through the carpet. Do not stop it. Let it work. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. </div> </div> <div class="CI"></div> <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "water falls") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "carpet knows") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>clouds creep<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 4/17/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:37 END TIME: 19:58 FACILITATOR: Sarah The scissors let the blood talk to the carpet. The carpet threads stop twisting the light to listen. The blood drowns the light. The clouds come creeping over the carpet, using the blood to stain the moon's threads in a slow, luxurious puddle. The moon wants nothing. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOST PRECIOUS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon wants") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "everything waits") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>letters come<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 5/5/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:29 END TIME: 20:01 FACILITATOR: Sarah The others do not come here because they understand that the moon has moved here. They leave letters for the moon in the doorway. The eyes watch for this. The arms seize the letters before the moon can find them. The fingers do not read the type. The paper tears slowly. The fingers hold the threads together silently so the moon cannot hear them. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "WARNING LIGHTS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "everything waits") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "grass talks") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>You know<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The moon put the world together once. It fit like the workings of a moving mechanical jig-toy. Every gear meshed with every other gear. People touched and loved and laughed and ate in perfect sync with each other. But then one gear was born without teeth. It could not find the other gears. And so the world stopped. Fractured into a thousand shiny bits like the brittle edges of a compact disk. Then the moon gathered up the pieces. But she had forgotten how the puzzle went exactly. So she put it together all higgledy-piggledy. Sometimes things worked and sometimes things didn't. The moon was getting old and knew that she couldn't fix things a third time. So she told everyone not to mention the broken places. "If anything is out of place," the voice of the moon said, "put it in an out-of-the-way corner and go on working as best you can. Only if you forget will you be happy." </div> </div>

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>water falls<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 3/25/97 BEGIN TIME: 18:59 END TIME: 19:46 FACILITATOR: Sarah The water in the ocean does not come spilling out of the glass of the tv. It stays, rocking, rocking, until some other picture hustles it out of the way. Then it disappears until it is strong enough to meet the glass, rocking, rocking. The body rocks with it, a three:four beat to the kelp's five:eight tempo. The water understands. The hands fill the bathtub with the water. It is not the ocean of the tv. It is too small to rock. The legs rock with it anyway. It goes to talk the carpet. It does not stay with the body. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "STICKY SOULS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "numbers know") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "water drowns") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>moon flesh<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 3/10/97 BEGIN TIME: 13:36 END TIME: 14:12 FACILITATOR: Marilyn The moon is coming and there is nowhere to hide. The skin will not keep the moon out. The moon must come in. Hide the flesh Hide the flesh The skin cannot hide the flesh The scissors will hide the flesh The moon will find it anyway. It will carve out the sky with blood to do it. It doesn't matter which blood. The potato blood. The eye blood. Any blood. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RITUALS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon skin") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "blood talks") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>blood talks<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 3/11/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:29 END TIME: 19:46 FACILITATOR: Sarah The eyes watch the arms hitting the flesh. The scissors cut the skin so the blood talks to the air outside. The mouth tastes the Doritos salt of the blood. The nails scratch the flesh into rhythms interwoven with the harmony of the hums of the refrigerator. The blood flows freely. The voice of the blood understands the slow patterns the sun makes. The voice of the blood hides the moon. The moon does not enter the blood. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "SCATH GEALACH") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon flesh") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "numbers know") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>numbers know<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 3/13/97 BEGIN TIME: 19:09 END TIME: 19:56 FACILITATOR: Sarah Other moving beings are people beings. They need the comfort of rules, the gentle dictators of a watch. They keep the numbers. They understand the numbers. If others slip away from these numbers, then the whole fabric of their lives must be shredded. The mind knows their numbers. 3 + 13 + 97 = 113. 19 + 29 = 48 This is why the arms of the others hold the arms and the legs too tight. This is why the arms do not let go. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "SOLE REMEDY") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "blood talks") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "water falls") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>moon skin<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 3/4/97 BEGIN TIME: 13:33 END TIME: 14:12 FACILITATOR: Sarah The skin of the moon still shines when the sky is dark enough to let it. But the mind of the moon is no longer in the skin. The dust understands this. And stays away from the lights where the mind of the moon lies hidden between the humming pulses. The others do not understand this. They move under the light. They call my feet under the light, which is the new skin for the moon. The new skin will break. The flesh of the moon will cut the skin. And the mind will have no place to hide. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "REPETITION") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "other moons") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon flesh") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>disharmonics<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 12/17/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:32 END TIME: 13:57 FACILITATOR: Marilyn The voice of the light matches the voice of the computer. The hums form a counterpoint to the ears. First the light hum whirs slantwise into the ears, then the computer hum comes in under the light hum. The hums drone through the ears and into the mind. The mind withers like the flesh kept too long on the candles. The mind does not like these hums. The mouth cries out make it stop make it stop make it stop. But the hums do not listen to the ears. Or the mouth. Or the mind. They keep on. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MADNESS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cold sun") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "pine secrets") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>moon hole<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 2/10/97 BEGIN TIME: 13:31 END TIME: 13:46 FACILITATOR: Sarah The moon lives in the lights now. This is why they keep humming and the ears tell them to stop and they refuse to stop. The moon needs the noise. The moon lives in the computer now. This is why the computer screen lights change and move when the others are not there. The moon needs the light from the screen. The noise of the Pepsi bubbles is the only safe noise the mouth drinks. Don't let the Pepsi under the light. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Too late. The others do not listen. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "PRO RE NATA") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon mind") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "other moons") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>other moons<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 2/29/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:32 END TIME: 13:57 FACILITATOR: Sarah The others do not hear the moon coming. The others have eyes but the eyes do not have the moon in them. The others keep the lights on and the hum of the light does not slam into the ears of the others. The others do not hold the arms at the ears and rock to block the moon's screams. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Rage") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon hole") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon skin") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>pine secrets<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 12/24/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:42 END TIME: 19:58 FACILITATOR: Sarah The smell of pine wreaths is beautiful in its ferocity. The clean white barefoot scent is the color of the moon when the mind cannot see her. Pine tastes a deep secret blue rain from the tv jungles. The scents attack like tigers in the night camera lit jungle, their muscles twitching as the prey does not see them. The glass of the tv does not guard the pine needles like it guards the tigers. The tigers can never get out of the tv. But the pine wreath was too smart to be caught in the tv. And it stays on the door of our house, watching the ground try to get in. The pine wreath will learn from the ground's mistakes. The pine wreath will get in. And it will take the feet into its dark rain mouth. And the body will melt. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MOTHER") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "disharmonics") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cds") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>cold sun<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 12/7/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:32 END TIME: 20:10 FACILITATOR: Sarah The fingers touched the window where the sun came in on the glass. But the window was cold as ice melting from the tree tops. The eyes squeezed together to keep the fairy wings of sunlight forever. The lines of light turned warm lilac and emerald and skyer blue. But the sun kept moving the lines and the patterns would not settle down. The sun does not understand that the tree is cold. The sun does not understand that the eyes want to have lines of pure color forever. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON EYES") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "glass") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "disharmonics") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>moon door<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 1/27/97 BEGIN TIME: 13:36 END TIME: 14:12 FACILITATOR: Sarah The skin keeps the flesh inside from talking to the air outside. The skin is the door of the body. It keeps things in place. But the moon has found the door of the body. Even when the sun is here, the moon still lingers on the skin, coating the hairs of the skin with moon clouds. The moon needs to get in. Hit hit hit the skin. Make the flesh understand. Inside is not safe. The moon can find the flesh inside. Only when the blood pours from the flesh is the mind safe from the moon. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "PRAYER") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon closets") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon mind") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>moon mind<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 2/3/97 BEGIN TIME: 13:31 END TIME: 13:46 FACILITATOR: Sarah The mind of the moon is frozen. The moon's mind does not tell the moon's fingers the keys so the moon's soul can understand. This mind tells the arm Pepsi so the mouth drinks. This mind tells the fingers the keys to touch so the words come and the soul understands. This hand tells others store, chicken so the mouth eats and the belly does not hurt. Sometimes the others obey. Sometimes they do not. And the body hurts. The mind of the moon plays with the clouds. Arranges the stars. Sometimes the sky obeys. Sometimes it does not. And the moon hurts. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "PRAYERS UNANSWERED") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon door") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon hole") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>moon cd<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 1/18/97 BEGIN TIME: 13:29 END TIME: 13:47 FACILITATOR: Carrie The moon wants a cd so she can have something to stare with, to move with. The earth will not be the moon's cd. The earth has only little lights that make too many colors, too many spaces. The moon wants only one space. She wants a place to hide, to find her own. The hands pummel the chest so the flesh inside can let the moon in. The moon changes the color of the flesh, the colors of dark purple and old blood so she can match the clouds she clothes herself in. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONSISTERS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cds") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon closets") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>moon closets<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 1/23/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:36 END TIME: 14:22 FACILITATOR: Carrie The moon wants her closet space. The whole large moon wants to slip down to become her silver sliver and go in and out of the space between the closet door and the wall, just like the sun does. The sun is safe because it can go in and out. The doors hold no danger for the sun. The sun can capture the door and be captured in the door. But the moon cannot find her closet. The moon is not safe. In the sun, when the mind cannot find the moon, the closet is safe for the mind's soul. But in the dark, when the moon can find the closet, nowhere is safe. So the eyes stay open, waiting for the moon to understand. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "OICHE DHUIBHRE") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon cd") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon door") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>dust<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 10/28/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:28 END TIME: 19:57 FACILITATOR: Sarah Dust knows that it makes up the world. A spot of dust chooses sometimes to notice another spot. They whirl around each other, tighter, tighter, staring out at each other through the corners of their being. When they are close enough, they form things. Glass. Wood. Tables. Arms. Sometimes when the light hits them, they blink and shatter. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life sparks") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "peanut butter") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "bones") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>cars<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 10/21/96 BEGIN TIME: 20:09 END TIME: 20:34 FACILITATOR: Sarah Cars understand where they want to be. They settle down into the life they want to have. And it isn't really the mind at all. Just something else entirely. When cars are in a good mood, they let the feet enter. The head nods politely at the plush red velvet seats. The dark crossgrains of maroon seatbelts caress the belly, pressing in as though they could not stand to be away from the belly flesh for another tiny moment. Then others have to come into the car and the car decides where to go. Usually, it follows a familiar path: grocery store, school, swimming pool. Then sometimes, it doesn't. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trees") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "peanut butter") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>potatoe eyes<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 10/3/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:22 END TIME: 19:38 FACILITATOR: Sarah Things eat other things. Turtles eat fish, dogs eat turtles, people swallow everything–but they put it in packages first. The mind thinks about the eating, about the terror of sliding down the back of the mouth into an unknown wasteland, of never coming out alive again. Of all the eaters, though, the potato eaters are the worst. They eat the eyes of the potato first, leaving the pale white insides blind. There is no mouth in blind insides, otherwise the mouths of the potatoes would scream in terror at the potato eaters. So scream for them. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "gravy") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trees") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>trees<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 10/11/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:52 END TIME: 20:10 FACILITATOR: Sarah The core of the earth gets tired of the mind of the earth, loathes it. And so the earth pushes pieces of the soul of the earth up through the outer edges of dirt and into the sunshine. These become trees, large veins of what the core can stand no longer. And the sun takes pity on them. They reach out to her, stealing her sunshine. But they never quite reach her. This is the battle of yellow and green. Laying in arms of the trees is safe. It is good to love what the earth loathes. But when laying in the tree, hum loudly to make sure that the earth stays very far away. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Imbibe") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "potatoe eyes") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cars") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>gravy<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 9/23/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:31 END TIME: 13:59 FACILITATOR: Carrie Clothes are ambivalent. They don't mind covering the legs and keeping the belly filled with their colors. But sometimes they just want to crawl off under the bed and be left alone. So they start scratching the arms, enticing the skin to riot into sparkles of panic. First one patch of skin explodes into infitesmal bits of pain. Then another patch bursts in, like dogs barking in succession down the street. And the fingers tear the clothes off to run from the pain. But the pain stays with the feet anyway. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HARM") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "clothes") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "potatoe eyes") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>clothes<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 9/23/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:31 END TIME: 13:59 FACILITATOR: Carrie Clothes are ambivalent. They don't mind covering the legs and keeping the belly filled with their colors. But sometimes they just want to crawl off under the bed and be left alone. So they start scratching the arms, enticing the skin to riot into sparkles of panic. First one patch of skin explodes into infitesmal bits of pain. Then another patch bursts in, like dogs barking in succession down the street. And the fingers tear the clothes off to run from the pain. But the pain stays with the feet anyway. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "GYNATRISIA") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "darkness") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "gravy") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>papers<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 9/3/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:30 END TIME: 13:42 FACILITATOR: Carrie Paper knows that it can carry words a long ways, that it can bear the marks that someone has painstakingly carved upon its back. But more than this, it knows it was born fragile. And nothing pleases paper more than to be ripped slowly along the threads, to separate once more into the dust it came from. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "DOUBLED") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "filigree") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "practice") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>filigree<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/31/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:37 END TIME: 13:48 FACILITATOR: Marilyn The filigree necklace curves back into the gold of the necklace. The fingers trace the edges over and over again, lost in its safe curves. When the fingers stay there, only words can find the mind. The mind's soul is safe from the others. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "DENIAL") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "doors") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "papers") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>carpet<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/11/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:17 END TIME: 19:48 FACILITATOR: Sarah There is only one carpet. It just shifts its colors and thickens its textures to follow the feet into various rooms. The carpet can hear very well—even down to the roots of the thoughts in the mind. Even the thoughts in the mind of the moon. Even dreams when the dreams have left the mind. This is what happens. The moon weaves the carpet together. Each thread breathes with the other, moves with the other. Each thread understands all the other threads without having to think about anything first. The moon likes to lay there just listening to the carpet. And because they can understand each other, they will find the feet. Don't ever try to run away from a carpet. Because it will come back. And it will take the feet into rooms they don't like. Rooms where nothing understands. Where the mind cannot understand anything. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "free her.") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "hands") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "stones") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>practice<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 9/11/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:36 END TIME: 14:12 FACILITATOR: Marilyn Cats understand what it is to have a thousand sets of eyes. They blink back and forth between worlds, dreaming with white eyes open and blue eyes shut and then with any flicker of motion in the room, they pounce back into the world that needs blue eyes open and white eyes shut. The body practises this. Everyday the body practises this. Things have to be in the right order and the right way. And still the eyes attached to the mind cannot transfer from one world to the other with a twitch of the tail. It is because the eyes cannot see the tail. The eyes will have to try harder to find the tail that translates between the worlds. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "FALL SILENT") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "bridges") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "papers") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>bridges<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 9/12/96 BEGIN TIME: 23:44 END TIME: 24:15 FACILITATOR: Sarah The door understands its place. The door holds back the ground from talking with the carpet. The door translates words, stealing them from the carpet and giving them to the ground. The river does the same thing for the ground on one side and the ground on the other. When the river dries up, who is talking? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "GLASS ENDINGS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "practice") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "darkness") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>snowvoice<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/23/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:21 END TIME: 19:46 FACILITATOR: Sarah The moon sings to herself when the silence becomes unbearable. She knows how to lower the earth's song into a range so low. So deep that no one can hear it. This is the noise of street brushes at three am. This is the noise of snow on snow on snow. This is the noise of danger. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BONES KNOW") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "hands") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "hideouts") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>hands<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/19/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:29 END TIME: 19:46 FACILITATOR: Sarah The hands are not a part of the body. The body is not a part of the mind. They are incidental accidents that move together when you are not looking. The hands leer at the arms. They rebel and refuse to understand the mind. They will not go where the soul wants to go. The dirty plastic keys refuse to hear the hands. They just go on talking to themselves and do not want the ears to hear their mutterings. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "carpet") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "snowvoice") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>doorlights<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 11/26/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:06 END TIME: 19:22 FACILITATOR: Sarah The front door has six diamond panes down the right hand side. They each have a beveled edge around a clear piece of glass. The beveled edges like the eyes. They watch for the mind and shine for the mind when the legs sit at the kitchen table, watching them. For the eyes, they change the colors of the lamp outside when the back rocks back and forth. First the brightest green the soul can find, like the flash at the edge of the sea. Then a luscious purple the soul could eat somehow. Then a deep cobalt blue, like electric shocks. But they will not change for the others. The eyes watch them when they are not looking, and they don't. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LULLABY") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "clouds") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "glass") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>bones<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 11/6/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:39 END TIME: 20:11 FACILITATOR: Sarah Bones never show themselves unless they have to. They keep quiet, holding the dust mites that form the body in place. When bones come out from under their covering, there is trouble. Because the bones are no longer busy making sure that the body is still in one piece. And then the arms shatter–slowly. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LISTEN") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "dust") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "clouds") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>clouds<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 11/10/96 BEGIN TIME: 20:39 END TIME: 21:11 FACILITATOR: Sarah Clouds are simple. They never try to say anything at all. Sometimes they dress the moon up when she floats behind them. That is because the noise of her being is far too difficult for them to bear. And so they spin themselves out before her, letting her sink into the quiet darkness that spins the core of their being. When she has borrowed enough silence, enough of the blood of the clouds to sustain her, she rises above them. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LOOSE SOULS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "bones") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "doorlights") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>glass<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 11/27/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:44 END TIME: 20:15 FACILITATOR: Sarah Even when it is born, glass understands what it is to be shattered. At the moment it breaks, it takes everything the eyes feel into themselves. So the soul doesn't have to. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON BLESSINGS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "doorlights") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cold sun") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>stones<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/5/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:12 END TIME: 19:39 FACILITATOR: Sarah Stones know how to keep the light going forever and ever. Look inside one just at the edge of the water and see the figures change and move. The scenes change and don't let the eyes alone, first the light figures, then the dark figures which hide under the shadows. But stones are not like videos. Videos know they must present each scene in order: first one and then the next. Stones do not know this. And the scenes become a confused tapestry of repetition. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon souls", "Aha") (link-goto: "moon souls", "ALL I REALLY WANT") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "carpet") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "books") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>people<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/29/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:32 END TIME: 13:57 FACILITATOR: Marilyn Tables understand what it is to be tables. They stay in one place. Safe. They never move and always hold what you want them to hold. Rocks understand what it is to be rocks. They hold themselves together and let the sun wash them warm. Mountains understand what it is to be mountains. They catch the sun and moon and let them go. But the others do not understand what it is to be the others. They call themselves the human people. They move too much. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "CELL MEMORY") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "hideouts") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "doors") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>books<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 9/16/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:29 END TIME: 13:47 FACILITATOR: Carrie Darkness waits outside the window, watching for the eyes to fall asleep. If they do, it will come in, bringing shadows of things that once scared the mind. Now the soul tells the mind not to be scared. To be safe. To be safe. So the eyes do not sleep. The back stays still. The eyes stay open, peering out so that nothing, no dust moons, can creep inside the belly. Nothing can frighten the soul under the skin if the eyes stay open. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "GLASS HARMONICA") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "bridges") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "clothes") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>peanut butter<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 10/26/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:07 END TIME: 19:29 FACILITATOR: Sarah Colors inside cds attach themselves to the mind and will not let go. Mud smooth peanut butter understands the mouth. It covers up the bright sounds of iridescent colors from the cds. This cover up makes everything better. The sheets cover the bed dust so they can't come out and find the hands. The peanut butter covers up the inside dust so it can't come out and tell the moon where the soul of the mind is. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LIFE FEAR") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cars") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "dust") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>doors<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/30/96 BEGIN TIME: 13:31 END TIME: 13:59 FACILITATOR: Carrie The door keeps the others separate from the body. Close the door and lean up against it with all the strength of the arms, and the others go away for a little while. But the others can still knock on the door, and the hands that stay with the others transform themselves into a hollow language just outside the wood. The body always hides from the sound, because the mind tells the fingers they are too afraid to understand what it is they want. And the other hands keep on knocking, tearing themselves into the thin skin of the door. The noise from the mouth does not stop the knocking. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Death fear") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "filigree") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "people") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>hideouts<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 8/26/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:32 END TIME: 19:57 FACILITATOR: Sarah In the living room, the fingers stripped away the (link-repeat:"wallpaper")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "people") ]] and ate into the wall a bit with a spoon so that mice could hide there. The voice told the wall first, so it was ok. The hands dug into the bottom of the shower floor so water could hide if it was afraid of the drain. The body carved out a space behind the eyes for the spots in the air to go when they are tired. But the hiding places keep on being found. The moon needs to hide itself. Where can the moon go? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BORGES") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "people") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "snowvoice") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container4"></div>books<div class="container4"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE DATE: 8/1/96 BEGIN TIME: 19:39 END TIME: 20:12 FACILITATOR: Sarah Books understand words. The words stay the same each time. The book moves. The letters in the book do not move. Videos understand words. The words move with the story. The story moves with the words under the picture. Want words to understand the minds. Want words to find the safe minds. The keyboard keys the words. The mind understands what the words hold. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "AFTER A WHILE") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "stones") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Somehow<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 06/1/97 20:08 Subject: A clean sweep Well, gang, I finally got the whole house cleaned up. There are no more baked in chocloate-spinach-macaroni-cheese-powder soufflee stains adorning the top of my range. (I had to use a chisel and a sandblaster, but what the hell, it worked!). No more three-day-old plates of half-eaten potato chips on top of the toilet. You are all now invited to come walk through my living room without fear of land mines. (I know, I know, those of you who have been over here at any time during the last nine years are now out cold on the floor in a dead faint. Well, when you come back, you can read this message again: YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THE ROSE PATTERNS ON MY LIVING ROOM CARPET and the sofa and the wallpaper (Or what is actually still left of the (link-repeat:"wallpaper")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do houses use", "Before the child") (link-goto: "robber get?", "Slip-sliding away") (link-goto: "A. Wall paper.", "hideouts") ]].) I honestly slept in a bed last night with clean covers and abso-blanking-lutely no (link-repeat:"Dorito")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Once, Laurel danced", "Money matters") (link-goto: "with the Doritos", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "commercial. She crooned.", "Credits") (link-goto: "I thought she said,", "Going on empty") (link-goto: "It's the cheesiest!", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "But I convinced myself", "blood talks") (link-goto: "that I was dreaming.", "moon wants") ]] crumbs whatsoever. Ahh. Heaven. But you know, I miss those thousand points of starch poking into my backside. And I keep thinking about the way I now find I hate smooth covers because I just can't let myself think of anything else. Somehow, I never expected Laurel's (link-repeat:"absence")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do houses use", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "to write on?", "Or if it did.") (link-goto: "A. A solemn judge.", "CELL MEMORY") ]] would fill me with so much silence. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<img class="space" src="https://github.com/ngphuongd/stonemoons/blob/main/images/ApparentPlaceholder.jpg?raw=true">')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal) [(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONBLOOD") ]]] <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal) [(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Start love", "Before the child") (link-goto: "End love", "Ach du lieber") (link-goto: "self-maging.", "Vanity") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>For poorer<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Somedays you are the fly and somedays you are the windshield Date: 12/19/96 21:26 Ack. Yesterday started incredibly good, but when I took Laurel to get her picture taken for our Christmas cards (yeah, so you'll get them in January or February, what else is new, tee hee.) about 4 in the afternoon, she was hyper and kept trying to jab at my eyes and bite my face. She ran out of the room, through a door marked "employees only." I pursued, yelling "Stop that child!" Would you believe those dildos actually cleared out of the doorway to let her run into the parking lot? Sometimes, people really piss me off. Something I ate (probably at home - I had an (link-repeat:"eccentric lunch*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "eccentric lunch") ]]) disagreed with me, and I went to bed feeling like death warmed over. Mind you, I was not in a well-made bed because the dog, Kodi, had puked on the sheets (and mattress, eww!) and I hadn't had time to wash them. I woke up about 4 cuz Kodi needed to go out. As long as I was up, I guess I figured I might as well throw up and get it over with. Sucked down some Dimetapp and Tums and went back to bed. Somehow we all overslept in the morning (which was actually pretty cool because it was the first solid four hours of sleep I'd had in a hell of a long time.) So we had about a half an hour to get all of us, (including those venerable institutions, the Janet and the Laurel) both to school before I had to be at work. We ran around going nuts and then Janet decided she had to have her pink dress washed. This argument took 15 minutes (she wore her baggy blue pants and purple tee shirt). I got to work at 9:35 and the super called me into her office. They won't be needing my notoriously (link-repeat:"unreliable presence")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "They had unreasonable", "Have it your way") (link-goto: "expectations:", "Emergency") (link-goto: "They wanted me", "Show biz") (link-goto: "to show up.", "Yanking") ]] in the future. And I can forget about references to other day care centers too, thank you so very much. Rat farts. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Abandonment", "After I") (link-goto: "Despair", "Not working") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>For richer<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: (link-repeat:"3/12/96")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]] 19:09 Dear friends, I don't want you to think it is all a wailing party in my nuthouse life over here. Because it isn't. (link-repeat:"Drama")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the opposite", "dramatical") (link-goto: "of thrill seekers?", "Fear") (link-goto: "A. Chill seekers.", "Death wish") ]] is better with the boring parts cut out. But sometimes the best part of life is the boring stuff: ¤ Cuddling up close on a Sunday morning when the (link-repeat:"sun streams")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The peace of the sun", "MOON BLESSINGS") (link-goto: "understanding.", "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") ]] through her hair ¤ Wandering through the meadow of purple sweetpeas by the canal ¤ Taking in long uneventful evenings with James and the Giant Peach ¤ Luxuriating in quiet breakfasts when she smiles at the milk in her glass ¤ Settling in long walks at twilight when we hum at the moon. I get those, too. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOST PRECIOUS") (link-goto: "Love matters", "When you knew") (link-goto: "Contact", "Hands on talking") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Out of options<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis entrenched, part 2. Date: 4/1/97 21:47 So. We have two teachers, one out with surgery and the other one with breast cancer. (I did mention the biopsy, didn't I? Well, it was the worst possible news. Cancer. ) We have a mother who is having regular pains in the side which if it were appendicitis would have (link-repeat:"burst by now")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "At the moment,", "Attack time") (link-goto: "my body is the", "I will find a way") (link-goto: "least of my priorities", "LIFE FEAR") ]]. I have to see a doctor. Like soon. And I have not had a moment's respite to even call a doctor since March 7th when they took Laurel out of school). And let's not forget about Laurel, who is still acting out fairly religiously (Or irreligiously, whatever your faith happens to be at the moment). Laurel needs at least two people with her (link-repeat:"at all times*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "at all times") ]]. After laying all this out on the table (this was a hell of a long meeting - we didn't get out until 6:30 that night, something they have every right to point out as in-faith negotiations if things get rough...), we got some more weak coffee and got down to brainstorming options: ¤ In house training (Booked solid and too confusing) ¤ Use a friend's house (Unprofessional) ¤ Find other teachers (Not enough time to hire and train. No money.) ¤ Use restraining devices (Teachers vetoed) ¤ Use a time out room (Illegal. Not enough restraint to ensure safety) ¤ Use my house to school her (Leadership too confusing) ¤ Keep her home (Illegal. Home schooling requires more expertise than Mom has.) ¤ Place her in a residential home (Mom objects strongly.) Now it looks like we can not schedule the surgeries and doctor appointments so that two people are always healthy enough to handle Laurel. Besides, (link-repeat:"recovering from surgery")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Take my body,", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "take my soul.", "Surgery aftermath") (link-goto: "Spare my child.", "Frozen dreams") ]] and dealing with Laurel is far too difficult. The only "(link-repeat:"acceptable")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What is acceptable to", "Consultants") (link-goto: "them is the ultimate", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "sacrifice for me.", "For the time being") ]]" alternate site/second trained person to them is an in-home respite care provider a.k.a. residential placement. I pointed out the risks involved to Laurel (the 95% rate of abuse for preverbal kids, losing all home skills, the almost nil "recovery" rate back to a noninstitutional environment, etc.) People around the table nodded grimly. We all knew the scores. Still the only fatal flaw they found was that Mom objects. Laurel served herself fig newtons, starbursts, and orange frosting while I've been typing and is now in the shower. Janet is screaming about not having any hot water left for her. Feedback invited. Hell Feedback demanded. I need some options, folks. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Panic", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "People monsters", "Train's booked solid") (link-goto: "Place monsters", "Then again") (link-goto: "Thing monsters", "Profits at home") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Steamed clams<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: (link-repeat:"4/24/97")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]] 13:09 Subject: Call up papers I am steamed like a clam, heated until I can do nothing but open my mouth and scream my death throes. And I am not alone in the gas chamber. I went to the respite host home, and it's an ok place. Clean, without any (link-repeat:"smokers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Where there is smoke,", "Smokers") (link-goto: "there is fire.", "Life sparks") ]] like the last time. But I don't want to go into details right now. The thing is, to get funding, the schools want to go through the foster care system. And that means I have to make Laurel a ward of the courts. They tell me it's just a technicality. But "technically" what it says is that I wouldn't have the authority to make decisions about medications, or to bring her back home. Basically, the school district would have full custody. Really, the only way they'll provide services is if I place her in the home, and then only if it's tacitly understood by all parties that this is pretty much permanent - no matter what. Then and there, I decided I couldn't take (link-repeat:"the bullshit*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "the bullshit") ]] anymore. I very calmly said, "Wait a minute. Permanence is way unacceptable. This was a temporary option because there WEREN'T any other options at the moment. You can't blackmail something like this into a final solution." Marilyn told me that the school considers that I am willfully holding Laurel out of school now, because technically she was only suspended through Monday. Yet they have given me no other options before next Monday, which is the very first time we can put her in the home. So therefore and QED, if I don't agree to the residential home, they will sue me for maternal neglect, (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]] will take the child and that will be the end of the line, thank you very much. So I have a placement review meeting tomorrow at 12:30. The advocate from Association for Community Living will be there, but she and I have not had time to discuss what's going on. Apparently, if I want to delay putting Laurel in this place, they will consider that I am willfully holding her out of school for that time, too. More charges of abuse and neglect for Mom. Furthermore, my refusal of services will justify the school district to refuse to offer future services. Of any sort. This is soo mega-illegal I can't begin to tell you. So, it boils down to I either disobey the laws and keep her home, or I lose her entirely. "In the best interest of the child," huh? Thank you, (link-repeat:"Child Protection Gestapo")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These are the things", "Gestapo") (link-goto: "you should fear.", "Kelly and I") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Attack time") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Advocrazy<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/2/97 23:58 Subject: Reality Bites When we got back from the placement review meeting, I told (link-repeat:"Janet")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Leaving") ]] I was so mad I could spit nails. So she ran and got me a hammer. Cute kid. Y'all want the bad news, right? I can see you hovering on the edges of your monitor. You don't fool me. Well, Ms. (link-repeat:"Springer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Leaving") ]], the advocate from Association for Community Living, was fifteen minutes late. She ran into the room, and we (rather, Mr. Maddox, the school principal, did - he wouldn't let anyone else speak - and he spoke only to the advocate, as if my presence were superfluous) filled her in on the three surgeries, two cancers, and one behavior problem. He joked that Laurel must be carcinogenic. We stared at him. Ms. Scratchard filled her in on the lovely residential home. What they did not explain was the catch 22 - if I refused to surrender my child, they would say I was refusing all services and then refuse to help Laurel either this school year or next. She said, and I hereby commit her words to quotes, "Well, it looks as if you don't have any choice at the moment. I assume the school will be paying for all expenses, which fulfills your responsibilities." Then she turned to me, patted my hand, and said, "Well, after all dear, we can always review this situation later." And before I could sputter out that the whole problem was the school was trying to deny me a voice in future reviews, that this was permanent and meant giving up my (link-repeat:"custody rights")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "States can take away", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "parental custody simply", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "because it is cheaper", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "and easier.", "Disclaimer") ]], she was gone!! Whatever I said after that didn't matter. The decision was made, and mom was simply relegated to having (link-repeat:"hysterics")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sure, after all, we know", "see it.") (link-goto: "whose child this is,", "SOLE REMEDY") (link-goto: "don't we?", "HYSTERICS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Leaving") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "My mother love", "Yellow and green") (link-goto: "Bad circuits", "Electronic madness") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Running<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 3/9/96 01:10 Subject: Escape artists Laurel got out again today. She has figured out the doorbell alarm system and can deactivate it in I think about 4 seconds flat. So anyway, she (link-repeat:"ran out without")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we run from", "Electronic madness") (link-goto: "tells much more about", "Slip-sliding away") (link-goto: "our deepest souls", "Running again") (link-goto: "that what we run to.", "Life in the good lane") ]] a stitch of clothing on and started to jump up and down in the middle of the street. I left Janet watching the Muppets, told her to stay in the house no matter what, and ran out after Laurel in my bare feet. I cut myself on some glass Laurel had thrown down from her window last night, so I left bloody foot prints in the snow trying to catch her. Laurel was too far away, and I ran back into the house for shoes and the car keys. I didn't even try to breathe as I sprinted to the car. I drove with the door open, yelling the theme from the "peanut, peanut butter" commercial she loves so much. Sure enough, three blocks later, I caught up with her, just before she ran into the Highline canal. In a moment of inspiration, I called out "Dorito Time!" Laurel ran into the car and buckled up right away. Mrs. Macdougal called me a serial child abuser again and threatened to call Social Services. I was too busy making sure Laurel was ok to answer. When we got back, Laurel made a bee-line for the snow, just avoiding the shattered (link-repeat:"glass")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The molecular structure", "Reputations") (link-goto: "of broken glass is truly", "glass") (link-goto: "the same as blood.", "GLASS ENDINGS") ]] underneath her window. She mashed it up into her face, smearing the leftover smudges of blood across her cheek and into her hair. Then she came up and put her sticky hand in mine, pulling for the refrigerator. So we went and had 7-Up and Pepsi. My feet are ok now, just a little scratched. I am soaking them in hydrogen peroxide while I type. Laurel is curled up behind the couch and has her hand over her nose, shielding her eyes like a cat. I blow kisses at her. She does not notice. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<img class="space" src="https://github.com/ngphuongd/stonemoons/blob/main/images/ApparentPlaceholder.jpg?raw=true">')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal) [(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ARKENSTONES") ]]] <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Grocery shopping") ]]] (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Lung capacity", "Running again") (link-goto: "Heart capacity", "Show biz") (link-goto: "Soul capacity", "Slip-sliding away") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Leaving<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/13/97 18:24 Subject: Leaving Dear friends, I guess today was the big day. Well, why am I writing this when all of you knew what was coming anyway? Because I have to, that's why. I have to tell you how it happened for me. Laurel tugs at my hand. She is in a good mood today. She squints up at the sun, laughing. It's a hot day, a promise that summer is coming soon. But we don't notice the sweat on her brow. We just watch as she whirls around on the grass, her (link-repeat:"yellow and green")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do flowers use", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "to cover their windows?", "dandelion blood") (link-goto: "A. Night shades.", "Yellow and green") ]] gypsy skirts flying out from her like some alien flower. We stop walking, entranced, I guess, or just wondering whether to take off and tackle her before she starts running. Laurel stops whirling and stalks us from behind. We turn to her, noting the spots in her eyes now staring wide into the sun. I can almost see the (link-repeat:"fairy wings")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where do they keep", "cold sun") (link-goto: "bad fairies?", "wings of daisies") (link-goto: "A. In prisms.", "You meet") ]] she types about. Her throat glistens in the light. I try to walk back to her, but Marilyn gets there first and pushes behind her, herding her in. We walk up to the red brick cottage where she'll stay (why are all these places that damned red brick? Why couldn't it be pink or purple or something, not the color of dried blood?). The windows are latched shut. A tiny blonde girl in a long blue-green turtleneck stares from the window closest to the door. I stare back. She doesn't move. Carrie and Marilyn each take one hand and lead her inside. The heavy door closes behind them with a metal "Ka-chunk". (Why does a cottage have a metal door? And why are the locks so shiny in the noon sun?) She does not turn and watch me leave her here. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="DD"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Answers", "The answer sheet") (link-goto: "Helpless", "Thin bridges") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Aftermath<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis continuing Date: 1/11/97 2:43 Today, I visited Carrie in the hospital. I spent ten minutes outside her door, wondering if I should go in or not. Her jaw is wired shut and the bruises on her arm look like purple wood paneling. I set down my flowers and ran out crying. What to do? How do you say, "Look, I'm sorry that my daughter almost killed you?" I just got a call from the principal notifying me that Laurel was suspended for 10 days. For starters. (They are starting the illegal bullshit again. Legally, they have to give me 10 days notice of a prolonged suspension but they didn't.) The letter also stated curtly that decisions for Laurel's future would be made on the 26th, which is actually 2 weeks away. Laurel can't go to school before the meeting (another slight illegality, but who's counting?) So now I have Laurel 24 hours a day. This means I have to miss at least a week from looking for work. The zero income is going to hurt quite a bit now. Not to mention I have zero time to prepare to have Laurel at home. Not one hour of respite. And we can't even go out (link-repeat:"grocery shopping")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Which gives new meaning", "As the Grocery turns") (link-goto: "to the phrase:", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "Out for blood", "Just another day") ]] without having dangerous attacks. And federal law states that you can't suspend a child for behaviors related to a disability. I mentioned this to Mr Maddox, the principal, and he said, "It's not for the behaviors. It's for injuring staff." I called the Association for Community Living. Got the voice mail of the one and only advocate for Arapahoe and Douglas counties, saying she is (link-repeat:"totally booked")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "In this age of", "Train's booked solid") (link-goto: "instant gratification,", "OCR") (link-goto: "we do a lot of waiting", "waiting lists") ]] through the end of February. Of next year. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social decision") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bankrupt", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "Pain's world", "Going on empty") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Take me for a ride<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: (link-repeat:"7/19/96")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "For richer") ]] 23:06 Subject: Riding down the street. Remember I said that Dad (link-repeat:"had watched")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The event is not the", "Credits") (link-goto: "the same as reality", "Bruno's origin") ]] Laurel for me while I went to work on the Fourth for a couple hours? And Dad had told me that, when he and Laurel were walking home from the grocery, Laurel wanted to go for a walk on the Canal Trail and Dad wouldn't let her, so Laurel tried to bite Dad and Dad said something like, "Maybe your mom lets you do that, but I won't." ? Laurel bit him anyway and Dad blamed me for being permissive. It seems Dad omitted a related story. I wouldn't ever have heard it, except Mrs. Macdougal three doors down was talking to Janet and telling her to be careful or she really would call in a kidnapping--just as she nearly had with Dad. I asked Dad about it on the phone (he won't come over unless he absolutely has to--to (link-repeat:"fix the place")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Without this help", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "we could not live", "Dead parakeets") ]], or something) and slowly elicited the meat of the story: While Laurel was throwing herself down in the street, screaming and snapping at Dad, an elderly couple pulled up in a white Jaguar, opened the passenger door and the guy yelled, "What are you doing to that little girl?" Laurel promptly hopped in the car and buckled up. Dad explained the situation as best he could, and the couple offered to drive them home. Since Laurel was not coming out of the (link-repeat:"car")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Without this help", "cars") (link-goto: "we would be better off.", "Out on a limb") ]], Dad accepted. When they arrived, Laurel held the door handle up so that the automatic door unlock switch wouldn't work. So the fellow got out, came around and tried to open the door with the key, but Laurel wouldn't let him do that either. Dad didn't explain exactly how they got through that, but I can imagine. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For richer") ]]] (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Meaning what") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Whatcha gonna do<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: When they come for you Date: 12/3/97 20:47 Laurel's (link-repeat:"being aggressive again")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Aggression is", "As the Grocery turns") (link-goto: "in the body", "Violence") (link-goto: "of the receiver.", "Emergency 3") ]] and her teachers' morale is wilting. I was asked to attend an informal meeting today. Walked through the white-tile hallways, down a lime green corridor and into the principal's office. There around the battered formica table sat a sea of suits: Mr. Maycharge, the assistant head of the district, Mr. Maddox, the principal, Ms. Bradshaw, the district coordinator of special education, as well as both Marilyn and Carrie, the teachers. No one said anything at first. Then Marilyn started in in a low voice. Carrie added a contrapuntal voice to the litany of woes. I stared at the wire-cut glass in the window. Bottom line is, they're getting beat up pretty bad and they can't take it unless we find and (link-repeat:"implement*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Implement") ]] solutions. NOW. The district level people were favoring bringing in alternate staff or cutting Laurel's program to give Carrie and Marilyn a break, but the teachers objected that all they need is assurance that something is being done. This is a bit complicated by the revelation that both of them are scheduled for hospital stays in the next two months. (Marilyn has a breast biopsy, and Carrie has only said that her matter does not relate to Laurel or to the school.) That makes looking at some kind of alternate arrangement for Laurel inevitable, either with alternate staff and in-home help, or perhaps a brief placement at an (link-repeat:"in-patient facility")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "Ghana.", "Smokers") (link-goto: "Ghana who?", "locate resources") (link-goto: "Ghana take your kid away.", "Emergency placement") ]]. (About ten days, give or take a few.) Perhaps we will be able to syncopate the medical interventions so that Laurel can remain with someone she knows, most of the time. For now, we came up with these ideas, many of them from me (this is brainstorming, mind you.) ¤ Isolate Laurel further ¤ Change the staff to give the current teachers a break ¤ Keep her home for a while ¤ Just ride it out ¤ Put her on meds ¤ Use aversives to stop Laurel's aggression ¤ Restrain Laurel (with a squeeze machine, straight jacket or other device) I brought up the last two and the teachers shuddered and gasped. The district people said they simply didn't do those things. I asked them whyever not? Then I got a little wilder. We could go to the (link-repeat:"Crypt*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Crypt") ]] and get some fleece-lined leather cuffs for Laurel. When she gets way too aggressive, just cuff her to a post or something and watch for her to calm down. "Oh, no," gasped everyone around the table. "We are far too civilized for 1950's types of restraints," snapped Mr. Maddox as he stood up and straightened his tie. (I'm flashing on noose images, here.) I asked the district head of special services what she thought happened in residential treatment centers. And she said, "Yes, but that was only for helpless cases." The meeting broke up without anything decided. Which I personally thought more mediaeval than cuffs or squeeze machines. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<img class="space" src="https://github.com/ngphuongd/stonemoons/blob/main/images/ApparentPlaceholder.jpg?raw=true">')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal) [(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "AFTER THE FALL") ]]] <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer")]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Uncertain") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Emergency<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> o: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis city Date: 1/17/97 23:09 I got an emergency call from the school today. Given the way Laurel's been acting, I was pretty much expecting it. The school secretary said that Laurel had hit Carrie, the assistant teacher and Carrie was in the hospital with a broken jaw. It might even be worse, the secretary said. Laurel beat her pretty badly. She said I needed to come pick up Laurel right away. 10 minutes ago if possible. The janitor was looking after her, was being pounded, and didn't know how many more minutes he could hold out. And please make sure that she doesn't come back here. We can't handle the violence any more. So I went up to the school to try to get Laurel. I kept replaying the weird meeting we had last week in my mind. (link-repeat:"Had Laurel heard")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "How much Laurel", "Brown vs Board") (link-goto: "understands what's going", "Armor") (link-goto: "on is a matter of", "Consultants") (link-goto: "conjecture. But I suspect", "Smokers") (link-goto: "she knows far more", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "than we care to admit.", "Can't say 2") ]] about the aversives, the time out room? Did she know we were planning something more to restrict her? Or was she frightened of the idea of all of us leaving for various medical things? Did she care about that? OR maybe it was a piece of paper on the floor that should have been upside down or the oreo she had for lunch had been facing the wrong way. OR whatever. I laughed out loud a bit when I realized that all this speculation wasn't getting me to the school any faster. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Aftermath") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 2") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Social Services<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: The newest Gestapo Date: 10/10/97 23:48 Hey, did you guys read that cute little tidbit in yesterday's Denver Post about the new rehaul of the Child Welfare Act? Yep, (link-repeat:"slipped right under")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "HIDING THE REAL") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Or if it did.") (link-goto: "Perry.", "bureaucrazy") (link-goto: "Perry who?", "Disconnecting") (link-goto: "Perry-noia's good for you", "Paranoia") ]] everybody's nose. But someone on my autism list saw it and raised holy hell. Rodney says: (text-colour:red)[>Seems that our favorite SS has struck again. >A closed committee, made up of 12 >professionals and 3 parents, decided that the >new Child Welfare Act should spell out >grievance procedures for those rare individuals >who might question the wisdom of Social >Services. The bill would place all burden of proof >on the parent. They felt this was >eminently fair--after all, THEY are the professionals. >And what would mere parents know >abut their kids. >If this strikes any of you as fishy as it struck me, >now is the time to write Governer Romer. >Today, it's Colorado. Tomorrow, it will be YOUR state.] After all of my problems with Social Services, I agree completely with Rodney. But, then, you guys know all about my side of it. Whyncha check out a lawyer or professional or two for their sides? After all, they are so important, they outnumbered the parents on the committee by (link-repeat:"4 to 1*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "4 to 1") ]]! </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Smooth skiing") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Getting down to it") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Smooth skiing<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 11/16/97 21:27 Subject: Seething for fun Laurel has had a series of rough mornings lately. She rocks slowly back and forth in the middle of the kitchen and thoughtfully bites her arm in neat rows from the hand up to the elbow. I won't even talk about what we have to do to calm her down. By the time I got to the school last Monday and turned in Janet's sign-up sheet, I was told that the ski bus was full and her name would be put on a waiting list. I was upset (and if you know my default emotional setting, that looks a lot like "angry") for days about how (link-repeat:"Laurel's problems were causing Janet to miss out")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It isn't simply a matter", "once,") (link-goto: "of the squeaky wheel", "attention") (link-goto: "getting the grease.", "Escapes") (link-goto: "It's a matter of Laurel's", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "life and Janet's", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "quality of life", "It's no picnic") ]] on the enriching things other children get to experience. We live only 8 doors down from the school, so I went ahead and got Janet a ski mask and new gloves (she claimed she couldn't hold onto poles with her mittens) and rented skis and boots. I figured we'd go ahead and show up and hope they had a no-show. We got up at 6 this a.m. and headed up to the school. Janet checked in with the ski bus coordinator and said she was on a waiting list. The ski lady said, "No you're not. We have plenty of spaces left. You're on the list." After a moment she said, "I probably should have called you." To my credit, I refrained from saying, "Duh!" </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Whatcha gonna do") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RIDING THE FLOOD") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Social decision<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis entrenched Date: 3/26/97 20:09 Well, we all gathered to make the big decision. Let me start with a list of the players: Mr. Maddox = the principal Marilyn = the primary teacher Carrie= the paraprofessional who got the broken jaw which is still wired shut Ms. Bradshaw = district coordinator of special services The good news is that everybody is acting like human beings; no role playing (or very little, and we're all aware of who's doing it when, and why), very honest, everything out on the table. The bad news is that the reason everyone is reasonable is that no one can see any options. It was a long discussion, and just to make myself feel better, I've typed it all out here. At one point, Ms. Bradshaw even said, "Keeping Laurel out right now is illegal. We can't even do that. But we don't have any other options even for tomorrow." and I allowed as how (link-repeat:"under the circumstances")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The more circumstances", "Pro re nata, def.") (link-goto: "change, the more", "Emergency 4") (link-goto: "desperate things become.", "Warning shot") ]], I would accept that until we could figure out something. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here's the sitch: Laurel was suspended for 10 days. (Which Mr. Maddox mentioned under his breath is only a hundredth of the time most people get for assault and battery). Before she will be allowed to go back to school, Mr. Maddox needs "reasonable assurance" that people will be safe. Also, we've all agreed that having Laurel back in school while she's likely to be throwing conspicuous tantrums or doing major damage is very bad for PR; nobody's going to be willing to have her integrated into their classroom, even when her teachers say her behavior has improved enough to make it safe. For everyone to be assured beyond a reasonable doubt that Laurel is OK to return to school, we need Ms. Scratcherd, the district psychologist, and another professional to observe Laurel in a situation with similar demands to the school setting. That means there has to be some other place where the teachers can work with her. To assure the teachers' safety, the principal insists (and the teachers back this up) that there be two trained people with Laurel at all times. Here comes the part we disagree on; the second person cannot be me, and the place (link-repeat:"cannot be my home")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "A prophet is usually", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "stoned", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "in her own home.", "Hands on talking") ]]; because of the relationships already established, the signals to Laurel, and the overall leadership, this would be "confusing." To complicate matters just a tiny bit further (Ok haul out the one ton Excedrin and swallow hard here), most of the major players (including yours truly) will be out with medical complications. Not only does Carrie have to recover from her broken jaw, she is out for surgery (unrelated to Laurel) until at the very least April 6th. Marilyn has to have a breast biopsy Thursday, and wouldn't Laurel just be heavily into punching breasts right now. The usual back up staff person refused and the other one is newly pregnant, and we all agree she is not to work with Laurel and take these risks right now. And I have to go in to get a cyst off my ovary, along with a biopsy. Like, soon. Because it would be real nice if I didn't (link-repeat:"collapse in pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Pain, pain, go away", "Attack time") (link-goto: "come again", "Diagnoses") (link-goto: "some other day. ", "Reputations") ]] and let my two kids run wild and free even for a few minutes. So Marilyn is unavailable until next month and her second staffer is out for another two weeks. Laurel cannot be removed from school for more than ten days without major Individualized Education Plan review and rewrite, and that requires my approval or some pretty heavy legal stuff to overrule my objections. . . which they probably couldn't do since the reason Laurel will be out is primarily their failure to provide staff. And in any event, they couldn't do it before the ten days is up, and they'd legally have to keep her in the current program until whatever decision was reached. Again, the good part is that they're completely on the table with all this; nobody's bluffing about how they might interpret the law and daring me to go to litigation to do anything about it. Again, the bad part is there is nothing I can do. And everyone left again without any options. Ms. Bradshaw did offer me coffee. I put cream into it, letting everything swirl into the depths. I told her, "See, there is consensus at least in the bottom of my coffee cup." They all decided this was a joke in poor taste. </div> </div> <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Out of options") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RESTLESS SEAS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Grocery shopping<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/19/96 16:15 Subject: Our little daily deaths I am about to be uncharacteristically brief, in favor of hedonistic self-indulgence; I intend to clean the (link-repeat:"blood ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where do vampires", "clouds") (link-goto: "save for retirement?", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "A. At a blood bank.", "Emergency 5") ]] out of my wounds before I stiffen into complete paralysis. We just got back from the grocery store. Laurel was fine until we got to the checkout line, thanks in part to a trick I learned from her teachers; I took one of her shoes. She won't run away unless she has both her shoes on. Mostly. At the checkout line, I guess Laurel felt we had missed something, because she leapt out of the cart and tried to run off. When I restrained her, she began screaming and biting me. She got angrier, going for more painful targets, biting and headbutting and kicking. Janet took over the business arrangements; paid using my debit card, and walked the bagger out to the car, where she waited for me. ( I tell you that kid is smart for 7. I wasn't counting cents off coupons when I was her age.) Meanwhile, Laurel was on the floor, her arms and face smeared with blood mine. I was literally drippping blood on the floor. Two ladies, bless 'em, asked if they could help. One told me she was a nurse and said I was doing an excellent job. I tell you, I would never recognize them in a police line up. It is amazing how one doesn't even see the person one is speaking to when engaged so completely with a freaking child. Does the universe contract with me to that one focal point or does the universe notice my focus, shrug, and go on without me? In the car, Laurel pounded my shoulder, gouged my arm, and yanked out handfuls of my hair as we drove home. Anyway, I just thought I'd tell you about all this so that you know. (link-repeat:"TOS*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "TOS") ]], if you read about my murder/suicide, you are to inform the press that Ms. Eleanor (link-repeat:"Bradshaw")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Take me for a ride") ]], assistant director of special education for Cattail Creek School District e-mail address ebradshaw@cattailelem.co.edu, is responsible. Despite the laws, and for all she gets paid out of your tax dollars, she has (link-repeat:"yet to find a")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Is it that what we", "babysitters") (link-goto: "are searching for", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "doesn't exist, or that", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "we aren't looking", "Alternatives") (link-goto: "in the right places?", "I knew") ]] placement or behavioral intervention or respite person in six and a half months of looking. Laurel has not had an actual school day since last December when I yanked her out of the closet they had her in. They have been trying for something ever since. And god only knows (link-repeat:"what will happen this year")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Living in the future is", "Beyond anything") (link-goto: "for those who can't", "The great wall") (link-goto: "handle living today.", "Profits at home") ]]. We have no summer program (as promised to make up for the lack of a winter program). Let alone what will happen next school year. AAAACK. I'll tell you guys more tomorrow. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<img class="space" src="https://github.com/ngphuongd/stonemoons/blob/main/images/ApparentPlaceholder.jpg?raw=true">')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal) [(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ARKENSTONES") ]]] <div class="CDD"> (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1A"></div>')[(display:"Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Take me for a ride") ]]] (link-repeat: '<div class="CDD1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Operatic", "As the grocery turns") (link-goto: "Communications", "We take our destiny") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>OTHER list<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Autism and education: currently debating the (link-repeat:"political correctness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. How many principals", "Winter break") (link-goto: "does it take to screw in", "Bible stack") (link-goto: "a light bulb?", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "A. None. We haven't", "Leaving") (link-goto: "developed that", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "protocol yet.", "On an orphan train") ]] of integrating the parent's belief system into the individualized curriculum. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Psychic Roses") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>at all times<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Mom is actually SUPERMOM. No, no one does think that Mom does all this by herself, recovering from the flu, surgery, a bad night, a week of no sleep, or whatever. Because it is after all, your child. And you will do what (link-repeat:"you need to do")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Stubbornitarianism.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "When you die, your soul", "Death wish") (link-goto: "refuses to admit defeat.", "Fear") ]]. So no one thinks about this at all. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Out of options") (link-goto: "back", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "back", "show and tell") (link-goto: "back", "Yanking") (link-goto: "back", "Rage") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "back", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "back", "Laughing meds") (link-goto: "back", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "back", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "back", "Slipping") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>HOLD NO HOPE<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files The moon saw she had no hope of finding a suitable hiding place for her words. Besides, she still could not find the way to make the (link-repeat:"words back into reality")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Once something becomes", "Implement") (link-goto: "unreal, we can never", "He executes") (link-goto: "call it back into being", "alone.") ]]. Only with the people's help could she return the universe to the way it was supposed to be. So she made the box impossibly small, compressing the atoms until no one would ever suspect their existence. She placed the box in the hearts of prophets. And the prophets were driven into frenzies, calling out dreams of oracles, mixing creatures with universes, portents of politics with omens of religion. The people called what the prophets wrote wisdom and followed it the best they could. She placed the box into the hands of kings and queens. But they ignored it completely in their rushes toward power. She gave it to courtiers, who gave her bad poetry instead. She gave it to plowmen, who could not take the time from their plowing to understand. She gave it to women who shouted out its words as they gave birth, and later forgot that anything had added to their searing pain. She gave it to children who could understand. And they ended up as (link-repeat:"lunatics")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where did the moon", "IN THE BEGINNING") (link-goto: "wash her hair?", "MOON MADNESS") (link-goto: "A. In a luna-sea.", "HYSTERICS") ]], unable to speak of what they had seen. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RESTLESS SEAS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Psychic Roses<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/4/97 12: 09 Subject: My own feel-good scrap blanket I thought you guys might just want to see what's been happening on the autism list. So I clipped a buncha stuff. stuff. On April 2, Mona wrote: >Dear Sarah, > Melodramatic? Oh God, No! That isn't strong enough and at the risk of >offending someone and getting sucked into some kind of religous debate like >the one running rampant on the (link-repeat:"OTHER list*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "OTHER list") ]], I need to say something loud and >well...melodramatic! ( I apologize to everyone else. Sarah won't mind.) > JESUS CHRIST! Mona, and all the rest of you, please feel free to invoke whatever (link-repeat:"deites")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I want a bumper sticker:", "I get the message") (link-goto: "Back off, I'm a goddess", "MOON MADNESS") ]], spirits, familiars, government officials, media muckety mucks, etc, to whom you generally appeal. I'll take help wherever I can get it, without religious or other discrimination. On April 2, Jackie wrote: > Sarah, how can you endure this and mostly alone dealing with >all the conflict and the issues of Laurel at home, Janet at home and you >muddling along trying to be all things to all people? Darling woman-friend, I have never lost a child, as some on this list have. I do not have to know that my child lives in constant pain, or will not live to grow up, as some people do. And if these blessings were not enough to celebrate, I've got me. I have learned over the (link-repeat:"screaming years")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I want a poster:", "The storm") (link-goto: "Hang on baby, tomorrow", "Escaping the storm") (link-goto: "will be much worse.", "Ach du lieber") ]] to be resourceful and silly, tough and ...I don't have a word for it. Solid, I guess. Frankly, (link-repeat:"I admire")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Who I am", "Vanity") (link-goto: "Who I hoped to be", "Dried roses") ]] me. I think I would fall apart completely if I were a whiner or one of those martyr types who thinks she must be a bad parent to have children with problems. I don't imagine myself the center of the universe to the extent that I think I am the genesis of my children's realities. Ick! And then, I have you. Literally dozens of Listmates who send me lovenotes and virtual chocolates. And for those who don't like me, I have a little box on the right-bottom of my screen that says (link-repeat:"DELETE*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "delete keys") ]]. Ah, if life were this easy...(actually, I am pretty much without detractors on this List. You really have to work hard to offend some people. I tell my sister she's a lousy mother and she's done everything wrong, and she posts a note telling everybody how wise I am. Sheesh!) On April 3, Bob wrote: > You must want to run away. I want to run away fairly often and Isaac hasn't >bitten me in two or three years and that was truly a nip, nary a tooth mark >to be found. In fact I want to run away just hearing about your one day! I am pro-choice, and I certainly have choices now. Too many people would encourage me to put Laurel in (link-repeat:"residential")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Out of sight,", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "Out of mind.", "Steamed clams") ]] of -any- quality. I'm not trusting enough for that. I could run away. Remembering that, and knowing that I am here because I choose to be, gives me strength. And if I feel that I want to lock her in her room, I do. I suppose that's where I'm better off than many moms of "average" kids; if I turn into Monster Mom, I can always say I ain't givin' anywhere near as bad as I'm gettin'. On April 4, Steve wrote > I have no gentle criticism. Mine is fierce and ferocious and it's at the >(link-repeat:"system")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "People don't kill", "Implement") (link-goto: "people--systems", "The great wall") (link-goto: "kill people.", "Gestapo") ]], it's directed out and beyond. I want to send you baskets of roses, >bushels of oranges or something healthy and wonderfully ripe and chocolates >in perfectly formed wrappers. I wish I could send something luxurious and >indulgant so that for just a little while there was no focus on anyone's >needs but yours. I'm wretched. I'm even farther away than I was and I can't >afford to fly out and even if I could I admit I am terrified of (link-repeat:"violence")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Violence is not what", "Violence") (link-goto: "you should be afraid of.", "MOON SHADOWS") ]] and >so just because of teethmarks and cash I fail you. (So I am trying for some >brevity or I'd burst into tears.) Your words are so warm, they feel like a fierce hug. I am thinking rose-scents and orange pulp bursting in my mouth and the melting smoothness of chocolates, and the passionate embrace of your love. I'm all misty, too. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Out of options") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Panic.", "Alternatives") (link-goto: "I'm doing so much", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "running around in", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "circles that I", "Train's booked solid") (link-goto: "can not think of ", "Then again") (link-goto: "any way out", "Brown vs Board") (link-goto: "for any of us.", "Devices") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Profits at home<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/11/97 01:34 Subject: Kick their feet up Chris Hardy, a true friend whenever I've needed one, has volunteered her home as an alternate school site, and herself as a second staffer. She, of course, is "untrained", and unqualified in the sense that she is someone they would hear of through me, rather than through Some Professional Inc. What's the old saying? "The prophet always has to be from out of town." Something like that. Somebody was just saying recently that they lecture in their own and neighboring states, but their family still treats them like they know nothing. Same basic thing. I wrote up a formal suggestion, with workbook exercises, goals, accomplishments, appropriate data collection. The school board said nothing is stopping me from trying this at this time, but it is still not an approved school curriculum. So if I follow it, get Laurel used to going to Chris' home and (link-repeat:"start a routine")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The only safe things", "OCD") (link-goto: "for Laurel are those", "Broken wires") (link-goto: "she can predict.", "Not working") ]], I will have to end it the minute we find something else–suitable or unsuitable. Or I will be willfully withholding Laurel from an education. Seems I either have to go along with what they want, (which is a nice (link-repeat:"1-2 punch*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "1-2 punch") ]] that strips my custody) or move out of state and try in some other district (which would still have her records and I'd still be in this position.) (link-repeat:"I dont understand their position")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "They aren't holding out", "Profession") (link-goto: "for accredited", "Follow up") (link-goto: "places--because they are", "being paranoid") (link-goto: "content to leave Laurel", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "in my home", "Armor") ]]. After all, the pressure is really on them to get Laurel some services before they run out of time–and if this is acceptable to Mom, costs them less money, and might just work, what is the problem? And Marilyn really wants to work with Laurel again. In any place, in any situation. Mr. Maddox, the principal, tells me that Marilyn has been complaining about how long the days feel. She says, "If you think working with Laurel is hard, you should try //not// working with her." Which is odd, now I think of it, because that is precisely what they are trying to back me into. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Psychic Roses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "circles in", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "When there are no options", "I get the message") (link-goto: "When there are too many", "Laughing meds") (link-goto: "options, or options we", "Video prescription") (link-goto: "just can't take,", "Reasonable alternatives") (link-goto: "When nothing is the", "Med-daze") (link-goto: "answer, the vultures", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "start circling down.", "Disconnecting") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Alternatives") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Alternatives<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> <div class="alt"> <div class="alt1A"></div> (link-repeat: '<div class="alt1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat: '<div class="alt1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Train's booked solid") ]]] <div class="alt2">(link-repeat: '<div class="alt2A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Then again") ]]](link-repeat: '<div class="alt2B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Brown vs Board") ]]]</div> <div class="alt3">(link-repeat: '<div class="alt3A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Damned if you do") ]]](link-repeat: '<div class="alt3B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Devices") ]]]</div></div> "Every option we can think of to treat these children, these unfortunate souls caught in webs not of their own weaving, is held up to the highest criteria: that of modern medicine. We are so fortunate these days, that we can understand the very nature of the (link-repeat:"cellular functions ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we don't understand", "MOON MOTHS") (link-goto: "is as astounding", "My soul") (link-goto: "as what we do.", "in my pain") ]], the very heights of synaptic activity. And we will go on exploring, searching, until we have found the cure for every child. excerpt from Ms. Scratcherd's valedictorian (link-repeat:"speech*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "speech") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Psychic Roses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Anything") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Damned if you do<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/12/97 21:07 Subject: Damned if you don't We seem to have narrowed the possibilities to either Laurel stays or Laurel goes. We (aka the (link-repeat:"doctos and pshrinks")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Ask Dr. Science:", "The father") (link-goto: "He's not a real doctor", "Consultants") (link-goto: "he has a master's degree", "Profession") (link-goto: "--in SCIENCE!", "Social Services") ]]) think that new medications are called for. This is not what Mom thinks,a nd for good reasons, If I must say so myself. But I don't think they are listening right now. Trouble is, I pointed out, we don't want Laurel going on (link-repeat:"meds")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I'm not a doctor, but I", "Med-daze") (link-goto: "play one for my daughter.", "drugs") ]] in a strange environment, where this person is not going to know whether her behavior is better than/worse than/same as before. This would not measure the medicine's efficacy, nor would it help ensure that Laurel would get help if something did go wrong. So I can't see changing meds, school, and "home" all at the same time. So the next option is home. But we can barely keep things together now–what if (or should I say what about WHEN) the medication makes Laurel behavior patterns worse?) And even better, none of us can be sure if any behavioral changes are due to drugs or to subtle changes in environment that none of us see (remember the time Laurel went beserk for five days every time she went into the kitchen? Turned out the refrigerator coil was dying and emiting its dying squeaks. We fixed the refrigerator. No more hum. (link-repeat:"No more beserko")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Does she hear the voices", "disharmonics") (link-goto: "of another dimension?", "Withering choices") ]]. At least for a while). If we cannot do an appropriate data collection and analysis here (too many variables, too many unknown dimensions), how can a residential home possibly do a better job when they know so much less about Laurel than we do? I went on. I waxed eloquent at length. I tore my vocal cords explaining. And they sat, making notes. Until my voice and my words deserted me entirely. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Psychic Roses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Train's booked solid") (link-goto: "FALL SILENT") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Alternatives") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Devices<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/16 19:11 Re: Pavlov, pain, and other panic attacks. At home, I have an alarm on the door that Laurel finds painful. So she doesn't run away any more. That's an aversive, but it beats her getting lost, or hit by a car or I don't want to think what else because I let her out of my sight for a minute. And I'll confess I've grabbed her by the hair to get her to loose her jaws clenched on my arm. And I've smacked her back a fraction of a percentage of the times she's hit me. (Some of you are offended that I would hit my daughter, and some of you think I ought to do it a lot more. And you're both right.) I had told the school about this in the last meeting, as (link-repeat:"another suggestion")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I want a bumper sticker:", "Crypt") (link-goto: "CAUTION:", "After the show") (link-goto: "Wild child on board", "Implement") ]] for keeping Laurel in her classroom there. It seemed like a reasonable idea to me, but Carrie and Marilyn's faces just went white and apparently Mr. Maddox informed (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There are some things", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "I hope the SS", "Emergency 5") (link-goto: "Never find out.", "lucky") ]]. Now I've got a letter on nice official letterhead informing me of the situation (which I think I already knew, thank you very much) and that some minor official or major potentate thinks that this is far too much force than necessary to restrain the child. And the guy with the scrawl I can't read thinks that the child is unrestrainable and poses a definite threat to the neighborhood and community. (I wonder, has Mrs. Macdougal finally called and complained? And if so, what did she say and how did it get through the ranks?) Anyway, they want me to appear on charges of child abuse stemming from the door aversive, and they want to know how I am going to keep Laurel from terrorizing the neighborhood. This on the same piece of paper mind you. Granted, they did separate the two thoughts with a paragraph and a five space indent, but still.. So they want to know what I intend to do about that. And will I reply in triplicate to three separate offices by Monday the 28th to arrange for an appointment for counseling? Such is parenthood. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Psychic Roses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Brown vs Board") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Alternatives") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Train's booked solid<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/13/97 21:14 Subject: Pack up your troubles in an old kit bag Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me. Thank you one and all for your good wishes. Here is what I gave myself today: good news and bad news. The good news is we found a group (? a business? an inc.?) that trains and coordinates temporary respite care providers. They specialize in behavioral intervention, they do training in-home for parents; they use Mandt restraint techniques and do comprehensive behavior treatment, serving those with serious aggression or other behavior problems. They have apparently existed in Colorado for 5 years, and in Minnesota for 20. The director of this place also mentioned Indiana. (Aside; it's peculiar that so many of these places that serve the (link-repeat:"autistic*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Autism") ]] or Developmentally Disabled population specify that they won't take anybody with severe behavioral problems. Like, why else would you need help?) The inc. is called Valerian, Inc. Anybody who's had any experience with working with this organization in any incarnation, please post me. The director of Valerian also said the inc. could teach some of the district people restraint techniques and advanced behavior management. He also says he can teach me. Hooray! Not that I don't do pretty well; but it would be nice to have a few special tricks up my sleeve, and to be telling the truth when I say that I have special training so I know what I'm doing. (For those concerned citizens who question my right to (link-repeat:"try not to bleed so much")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Even when you understand", "blood talks") (link-goto: "the reason, it is far", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "too difficult to explain", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "to anyone else.", "Going on empty") ]] when we're in public.) The bad news is they are booked solid until May. That is May of 2001. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Psychic Roses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "circles in", "Then again") (link-goto: "People monsters", "Anthropophobia") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Damned if you do") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Alternatives") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Then again<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/14/97 2:15 Subject: Residential placement perspectives The residential home might not be entirely bad. I've got to go look for work; we need the money. With Laurel in respite care or a residential school, I could continue leading the two groups of Junior Great Books at Janet's school. And having some (link-repeat:"special time with Janet")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Smooth skiing") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Escapes vetoed") (link-goto: "Atlas.", "Janet's magazine") (link-goto: "Atlas who?", "god's eyes") (link-goto: "Atlas, some time to think.", "attention") ]] would be nice, too. And then maybe I could even get a bit of time in there to get a doctor to look at my aching side. The pain itself might even be persuaded to go away. That could be priceless. But...the district is paying the piper. So Mom has no real voice in whatever they decide to do with Laurel. This person will not know her special rules, her likes and dislikes as I do. So how can we get any sort of consistency - which is what Laurel truly needs to survive here on earth. Also, Laurel is scheduled to start new meds ((link-repeat:"Anafranil, aka clomipramine*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "drugs") ]]) this week. I don't like the idea of her going on meds in a strange environment, where this person is not going to know whether his behavior is better than/worse than/same as before. And none of us can be sure if any behavioral changes are due to drugs or to change in environment. I can't see changing meds, school, and "home" all at the same time. Laurel just walked up to me and put her head down in my lap. Excuse me. I think we'll do some (link-repeat:"zorfs*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "zorfs") ]] now. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Psychic Roses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "circles in", "Brown vs Board") (link-goto: "Place monsters", "For the time being") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Train's booked solid") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Alternatives") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Brown vs Board<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/15/97 3:26 Subject: Separate IS NOT equal! Today, we went to check out a (link-repeat:"segregated*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "in after hours") ]] (read put the handicapped here) school in Lincoln County. It's about an hour minute drive each way. The school has an indoor pool and a nice playground and well-appointed therapy rooms. But they have only Apple IIe's, and "a functional curriculum." The idea of academics for the elementary kids is gluing pinto beans to photocopied "A"s. My buddy Chris peeked in after I'd left the classroom and said the aides were doing the craft projects anyway; none of the kids seemed to be (link-repeat:"doing anything")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Not doing anything would", "Into our own hands") (link-goto: "be a major step down from", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "what we know Laurel", "Yanking") (link-goto: "is capable of.", "Hands on talking") ]]. No work was displayed on the walls above the kindergarden level (which is the oldest class that is integrated with "mainstreamable" kids). She said that they did lots of community stuff: some of the high school kids, up to age 21, were doing things like going to a store and buying one item, or going to the mall and phoning the school (with constant supervision and direction). The psychologist and the social worker and teacher said that Laurel's "behavioral issues" would surely not be a problem for them, but that she would be the highest functioning student they'd ever had, and they really didn't feel that she belonged there. On the other hand, they had no idea of any program anywhere in the state (or even in the country!) that would be appropriate for her. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Psychic Roses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "circles in", "Devices") (link-goto: "Panic", "DOUBLED") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Then again") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Alternatives") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Laughing meds<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/18/97 23:12 Subject: Laughter–Nature's way of saying what is real Hello to all who have written–my e-mail sack grew large and I simply have not felt up to dealing with it. So this is a response to all. My friend Mona, who's child, Brian, is autistic and preverbal, called me from Minnesota for a (link-repeat:"catharsis")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is the modern day", "Aha") (link-goto: "version of purification", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "before the sacrifice.", "at all times") ]] session. I feel much better now. I cried and sobbed and she assured me that I was reacting quite sanely to the insanity of my situation. We laughed at morose jokes. When I got the hiccups from laughing too much, she suggested I put a bag over my head (and then hastened to re-phrase that.) It was hysterical and comforting. The funniest part, to me, was when I was telling her I've written a note to the consumer's advocate/troubleshooter on the local news but I don't have a stamp. Why would that cause me to burst into tears? I was sobbing my heart out and laughing at myself at the same time. (Yes, we we've been to the store a couple of times, but by the time we get to the check-out, I'm not capable of asking for stamps anymore. As Mona says, "I just can't think of any reason why THAT would be." This starts us both giggling and roaring and then I say "Nope, neither can I. Can't think of a thing." And we are off and running again.) We discussed, in rational voices, the relative pros and cons of simply getting Janet in the car and disappearing. (They'd -have- to find someplace for Laurel then, right?) I told her that a father put his severly disabled son in the car up in Boulder a year and a half ago, drove up in the mountains and drove off a cliff. Jennie admired the ability to plan that far in advance. She has a point. You know, the perspective of sane people is counter-productive to people in insane situations. Only another resident of Planet ''(link-repeat:"'Special'")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What did the express", "They say") (link-goto: "train say?", "uneventful") (link-goto: "A. Look Ma, I'm special.", "Special") ]]'' can offer any useful advice at all. I'm overwhelmed by the outpouring of support. Really. It's dropped my armor. Some of you really have sick senses of (link-repeat:"humor")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There are days when", "They say") (link-goto: "I think all my bones", "dramatical") (link-goto: "are funny.", "trip") ]], which are totally appropriate. When one is thinking in unhealthy terms, joking about unhealthy things is the only way to regain balance, if you know what I mean. I am so glad no one has thought of tapping my phone! That sounds weird. You know who you are. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Video prescription") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I get the message") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Video prescription<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/19/97 3:16 Subject: Where your memories come first, to make them last I'm still so scattered I'm not making much sense, but I wanted to respond to Mark's idea: > Maybe you should have this Ms. Bradshaw b***** visit you at home >and then go shopping with you. Or rent a video camera and teach Janet >how to run it and tape some of this for her. Has she seen the >bruises and scratches? Have you called her after one of these rages? >Maybe after each and everyone of the rages? Become a pox upon her house? Interesting notion, except then she could use that to justify keeping Laurel out of any program in the district. She could say that Laurel is a direct threat to herself and others, and (link-repeat:"lock her up for good")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "In Japan, they let", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "handicapped people out", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "for one day a year.", "The answer sheet") ]]. It would be interesting, though, to see her reaction. I don't think that she has any idea how bad this actually is. After all, I would be one of those who heals fast. Bruises barely last a week on me. And I haven't actually gone out of my way to explain HOW violent Laurel is right now. This type of video would be great for blackmailing me, though. (If you demand much more, we'll show this to prospective teachers. The smart ones will turn tail and run...) I think video tapes of rages would be good for the pshrink, and videotapes of Laurel on her good days would be great for Bradshaw, Scratcherd, Maddox and co. If you see her doing math or typing on the computer, or stretching out with the gymnastics coach, she really looks like the sweet darling little girl (link-repeat:"you want")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have been thrown", "The storm") (link-goto: "out of much better", "Scouting") (link-goto: "places than this!", "Unwelcome ants") ]] in Brownies. Video cameras rent for $60 per day at Waxman. =: o </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Reasonable alternatives") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Laughing meds") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I get the message") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>I get the message<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/17/97 0:13 Subject: One last thought My good friend wrote: >I pray for help to find you Sarah. I know you are looking for help so it >must be lost somewhere looking for you. I want to reply to you all: Sometimes (link-repeat:"lifekarmaGoddesstinyfatemoon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Frisbietarianism.", "ALL I REALLY WANT") (link-goto: "When you die,", "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") (link-goto: "your soul flies up and", "moon wants") (link-goto: "gets stuck on the roof.", "MOONBLOOD") ]] puts me through extended chaos until I get motivated enough to move in the direction that ultimately brings me great happiness and good fortune. I wish HeSheTheyIt would just send a post-card, y'know? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "SOLE REMEDY") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Med-daze<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/21/97 10:25 Subject: Medical alert Some of you guys wanted to know if Laurel is seeing a psychiatrist for meds. This, you thought, might help. I thik it might too, but we've been trying so many so fast that I am not sure what is meds, what is outside forces, and what is just Laurel. Anyway, we've been doing different regimes since last year. First was Anafranil (clomipramine) then Depakote, and then the new guy recommended (link-repeat:"Lithium*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "drugs") ]], but I haven't started that yet (and haven't told the pshrink I'm not doing it) because I am waiting to get the DAN! protocol and talk to the ped and the pshrink about how to progress in light of that information. Also, I need to check with the (link-repeat:"PDR*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "PDR") ]] and see if these are contraindicated for Laurel. (And I used to be such a TRUSTING soul, too!) You guys also wanted to know if I did meds. . . maybe something is hereditary and what worked for me will work for Laurel. It is worth a shot, but meds never really helped me. A pshrink did prescribe Lithium when I was a teenager. Lithium made me walk into walls. I found that aerobic exercise and cutting the artificial crud and allergens out of my diet, and a little attitude adjustment worked better and was health-oriented instead of disease-oriented. I know you guys are concerned about my current state of health, and believe you me, I am too. I've been depressed and nearly suicidal lately, but I really think that the way I feel is a (link-repeat:"rational reaction")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why can't my body", "Pain") (link-goto: "wait to declare war", "I will find a way") (link-goto: "on me just until I've", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "fought off everything", "RITUALS") (link-goto: "else?", "Advocrazy") ]] to an insane situation rather than an intrinsic thing. When your flesh and blood is (link-repeat:"determined*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "determined") ]] to make mincemeat out of you and there is no one around to help, even for a moment, it tends to get you down a bit. A couple of you offered some stuff, but you would be mailing it from California, and I'm not altogether sure that that is legal anywhere outside of the Dream State. Further, although pot or crack might help for a very short while, it would probably mess things up in the long while. (Actually, I did coke twice as a teen, and it had no effect whatsoever. So hard drugs are probably a waste of money.) St. John's Wort, on the other hand, or Valerian and Skullcap, these might be interesting. Anyone know of a health food store that does deliveries around here? </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Paranoia") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Reasonable alternatives") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I get the message") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Disconnecting<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/23/97 1:03 Subject: Other places to go Thank you all for your suggestions. I have some positive directions to explore because of you. A couple people suggested the (link-repeat:"Office of Civil Rights")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Been there. Done that.", "My chains") (link-goto: "Got the t-shirt", "Catch 22") ]]. One of you guys even said that they could do something fast. But I couldn't find them last year, and I have had no better luck in tracking them down this year. I think I need to hire a private eye. Or at least write to that one in the paper. I think she takes cases for free. Last year, the number was (link-repeat:"disconnected")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where do phones play?", "OCR") (link-goto: "A. On a party line.", "THE MOON'S PRICE") ]] with no forwarding. This year, I called State Department of Education and the people I talked to had no idea what I was talking about. There was some discussion of the "governor's advocate", followed by some calling back and forth across the office, ("What's that lady's name? The one across the street with the brown hair. You know, what's her name." "You mean the one that takes our coffee?" "No, I mean the one who takes those funny cases." ) before they gave me a number that turned out not to be related to education or the government. Many of you wrote in saying that if the bureaucrats can't take it, I need to learn to take Laurel down. Or with suggestions for learning self-defense, crisis management, karate, wrestling. John, thanks for the cordial offer to teach me how to put a half-nelson on Laurel. I appreciate it. I can't get to Florida right now, but if you can come here, I can put you up. (Probably not in a wrestling hold though ;) ) I can take Laurel down ok. We can stay there indefinitely if we just stay there indefinitely, if you know what I mean. If we have to move (like, we are at the curb of Yale and Monaco, we are in the middle of Safeway's only exit, we are on the playground and the other kids and moms are getting really freaked), it gets tricky. She sometimes takes upwards of ten minutes to de-escalate. Dungarvin, Inc., teaches Mandt humane restraint techniques. I called them last summer and left a message and we never connected. Of course, I'd have to take Laurel with me, since I have no respite. These are other things on my "(link-repeat:"to do")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I know someone who.", "If we do") (link-goto: "does the task first", "enough") (link-goto: "then writes it down", "dancing") (link-goto: "so she can check it off.", "around it") (link-goto: "I'm lucky just to", "we won't") (link-goto: "think about writing.", "see it.") ]] list". </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "End points", "Egress") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Paranoia") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I get the message") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Reasonable alternatives<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/20/97 4:19 Subject: People to call Laurel's really only violent in circumstances she can't handle. If she was in a structured program and I could do my errands during the day, she'd be OK. Many of you pointed out that we only have the major blow-outs outside the house. It's so. School had them because they were stupid, like that fool gymnastics coach who felt that it was critical that Laurel not be allowed to re-trace her path back over the balance beam, even when she escalated to beating me for ten minutes (did I forget to tell you guys about that? That was Friday. It's been, like, man, one (link-repeat:"helluva trippy")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Marijuana provides a", "trip") (link-goto: "cheaper trip than", "this is how") (link-goto: "tickets to the moon.", "BORGES") ]] week.) : -o It really is only in Jan/Feb when Laurel goes ballistic inside and outside the house. It could be something in the air, or maybe the short rations of sunlight, or the overabundance of carbon monoxide or gravel dust from snow sweepers, or valentines day candy, or anything. At any rate, it is something she just can't handle and it send her sailing over the edge. But I've decided - based on your prompting - to contact the staff at Weiland Elem (the school that thinks she is too advanced to get much good out of their program and besides is too full for her now) and see if any of the teachers or interns can sit on a weekend or in the evening. I'm also going to to contact the alternative high school and see if any of the students there are available. They get off at noon, and they all have to volunteer as part of their grad requirements. A lot of them have late-diagnosed learning disabilities and are familiar with what it is to be left out, and be angry about it, and then blamed for your anger. I'm also going to call Ms. Bradshaw, district coordinator, and ask her to sit for two hours tomorrow so I can go to the doctor to take care of the (link-repeat:"raging pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where do mad pains go?", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "A. To an in-pain asylum", "Slipping") ]] in my side and belly. Or find someone to sit. Or do anything. I know she won't, I know she is still trying to get some teacher to help Laurel. But this is an emergency that can't wait for the other emergency to settle down. We'll see. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Med-daze") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Video prescription") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I get the message") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Paranoia<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/22/97 8:29 Subject: Things to do I'm still catching up with you guys. But keep the letters flowing. You don't know how much they mean to me. Again, thanks, one and all. Anyway, a lot of you want the district's number so you can call and take action. It's in the Denver phone book under Cattail Creek School District. But this could be any district, any place. So I don't know if yelling at the district will do any good. At this point though, it is kind of hard to care if they get yelled at or not. If ya know what I mean <;x> I was going to say something about being constructive, or. . . I dunno. I keep thinking about the mother in France who murdered her adult autistic daughter (at her daughter's request) and the way the parents kept talking about how wonderful all the professionals had been. You are all familiar with my constant second-guessing myself: Am I being too demanding? Am I being a pushover? Ms. Bradshaw has a great reputation for being 100% for the kids. She's told me she loses sleep over this case. She gave me a cash settlement for the time I lost from work last academic year, and for driving Laurel to summer school when they couldn't arrange transportation. They've spent tons of money on Laurel. And she is looking. Not fast enough for me, obviously, nor are they finding the people they need. And I have checked the papers and not seen any advertisements - but maybe they're advertising at the colleges or some other way that I don't see. Or maybe - and maybe I just don't want to see it - they've decided that residential placement is THE only answer. Maybe they really aren't following up any other leads. Maybe they are just waiting for an opening - any opening. (I guess, and this is the really scary part, that that is what I would be doing (link-repeat:"If I were them")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I love the sticker:", "Smokers") (link-goto: "Just become you are", "Job description") (link-goto: "paranoid doesn't mean", "Yanking") (link-goto: "they aren't out to", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "get you.", "Frozen dreams") ]]). I don't want to create something adversarial. But this is not good enough. And my (link-repeat:"paranoia*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "being paranoid") ]] is growing by leaps and bounds every second that I don't hear from these guys. Whaddya all think? If Ms. Bradshaw's doing all she can, then I don't want to come down on her with my paranoid fantasies. I mean, this situation isn't terribly reinforcing for her as it is. Let me know if you think I'm really paranoid, ok? I just can't see it for myself right now. I'm not sane yet, but I'm closer to it than I was. You guys are great. That's so weak. Sorry. I'll say something profound later. Maybe much later. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profits at home") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Disconnecting") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Med-daze") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I get the message") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>GLASS ENDINGS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I know why the moon has taken Laurel. She, too, succumbed to the stronger forces of my daughter's alien beauty. Who can resist the translucency of water and glass and glass and water in endless rotation (link-repeat:"until it shatters")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Even the pieces hold", "dandelion blood") (link-goto: "us in their achingly", "us") (link-goto: "lovely light.", "Escaping the storm") ]] into a million, billion stars. Anyone can see that the temptation is too great to resist. One perfect melody played on a strand of light. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>1-2 punch<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Moving Laurel into a residential home (link-repeat:"in another state")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is a totally", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "different state of mind.", "Sending her away") ]] means: 1.) I would have to relinquish custody so the school can declare her a ward and pay for it 2) if I move out to the state, it is no longer the school's problem so they can stop sending her there. If I refuse to accept this, then they can say that I am (link-repeat:"willfully withholding")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When I do it, it's", "Emergency 4") (link-goto: "withholding. When they do", "Yanking") (link-goto: "it, it's staffing.", "Sidestreaming") ]] Laurel from a proper education and can then: 1) Work with Social Services to declare me an unfit mother and take custody (my record at Social Services already shows me as a poor risk factor) 2) Put my case on the back burner as a noncompliant mother who has sought "alternative education." (In other words, if they don't investigate, it doesn't exist. If something happens –well, they simply didn't have the funds to ensure Laurel has a proper education. . . . which is illegal, but believable.) Either way, I get knocked out. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "back", "Video prescription") (link-goto: "back", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "back", "it happened") (link-goto: "back", "Life sparks") (link-goto: "back", "For the time being") (link-goto: "back", "After I") (link-goto: "back", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "back", "OCR") (link-goto: "back", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "back", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "back", "Try outs") (link-goto: "back", "bureaucrazy") (link-goto: "back", "locate resources") (link-goto: "back", "Cast of characters") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>FALL SILENT<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> And I fall silent, unable to tell anyone (link-repeat:"what the moon forgot")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where does the moon", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "keep her memories?", "again only") (link-goto: "I think she, too, has", "NO TURNING BACK") (link-goto: "forgotten the answer.", "moon mind") ]]. And then I (link-repeat:"forget myself")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We forget only what", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "we do not understand.", "MOON CAKES") ]] whom I would tell of my loves. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>speech<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Yep, I stole it out of her briefcase when she wasn't looking. Wanted to add some editorial bits, but decided not to. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Alternatives") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Anything<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/22/97 Subject: All we are saying Laurel is still not in school, and Ms. Bradshaw, the coordinator of Special Education services for the district is no longer (link-repeat:"returning my calls")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have more antennas", "OCR") (link-goto: "looking for signals", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "than NASA does--but", "The answer sheet") (link-goto: "I still get the feeling", "letters come") (link-goto: "no one is listening.", "FALL SILENT") ]]. I have calls in to the governor's office, the Department of Education, PEAK parent center, the Legal Center... Mind you, any arrangement we're now talking about pertains to the academic year which ends in seven weeks. Summer school and beyond? We have not begun to address these things. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Alternatives") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The great wall") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>DOUBLED<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> We are locked in an endless dance, Demeter and her double, Persephone mother and child (link-repeat:"moon and mother")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I do not know which", "DENIAL") (link-goto: "of us is the true", "LULLABY") (link-goto: "embodiment.", "Mama") ]] on the rim of the (link-repeat:"glass harmonica")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The tones of glass", "glass") (link-goto: "come the closest", "GLASS ENDINGS") (link-goto: "to the voice of the moon.", "Broken wires") ]] </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>For the time being<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/5/97 Subject: Where the *??!** is Camp Granada when you need it? Hi guys, you and my list friends have been busy suggesting residences for Laurel - if only to give me a break. Here are some clips from the list and my responses. I guess what I'm really afraid of is that the district is looking at residential only - and that for a (link-repeat:"permanent solution")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why do I keep", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "remembering the first", "Leaving") (link-goto: "victims of the", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "final solution?", "Gestapo") ]]. I wouldn't be adverse to a "summer camp" (or "spring camp") type of thing, if they would teach Laurel and me how to work together, and get Laurel ready for the real world. But that isn't what the school is looking for. Anyway, here are some snippets of ideas: > It might make you less afraid of having Laurel be away for a while > if the goal there is "A while and to return home whenever possible" >so it isn't an all or nothing scenario. We've had nothing but "diagnostic placements" for the past year and a half. Every time I agree to a "temporary" placement, even if I specify the goal to move quickly and assertively to a less restrictive environment, it's just a step further away from a fair, appropriate arrangement for Laurel. I just can't trust the district anymore. That sounds massively pathetic, but that's how I feel. > Please can I have Isaac's New England Center for Autism school people send you >their material. They have temporary placements - goal is to be out in three months. Sure. Do you need my snail mail address again? > You mentioned your district would even send her elsewhere if >options weren't forthcoming. The residential school here tries very hard to keep >kids to a minimum dose of drugs and in some cases off them or not have them >on at all. There are no aversives you haven't done yourself or wouldn't try. >No painful types at all and I'd be near to check if you weren't. If they have the strength of their convictions, they're probably less likely to whap her upside the head than I am. It's not that I am pro-aversive, or less than a saint ;) it's just that I lack the physical resources to restrain or physically motivate her and I have to do things like shoving her, pulling her by the hair or under the jaw, or locking her in her room just to keep her safe. : < Now that I re-read that, it sounds really ludicrous; "I had to beat her; she might have gotten hurt!" (Isn't this just what your parents told you as a kid when they spanked you - this hurts me much worse than it does you? ;> ) > So maybe this is all babble and I'm just throwing out stuff. But if we all >could send stuff your way on good schools for autism in our areas and please >be okay when I say this, preferably residential just for a while so you can rest >and get some peace and remember the brilliant, funny alter ego like the MTV Are you suggesting that I have lost my sense of (link-repeat:"humor")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My chains") ]]!? I had no idea it had gone that far! Yeah, folks, I'm open. what do you know? One of my very best friends of whom I'm passionately fond and whose name I can not remember at the moment (please don't take that personally; it's been a long day\\\week\\\\month) sent me a website for Margaret Anderson/Fodor, but it was really a website for a family with a young daughter who has autism, so I don't know how to contact the person she recommends. Somebody said Judevine in St Louis. Anybody got anything on that? If you read cards or crystals, tell me that stuff, too. I need some divine intervention. I can no longer afford to wait for hindsight. >Maybe you could somehow get out of home respite or temporary >hospitalization for Laurel and bring Janet on the train or plane and even >Kodi if need be and visit NECA (Isaac's school) and me. I would love it. I can't imagine what (link-repeat:"unscheduled alignment of planets")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When Jupiter's moons", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "line up and salute, maybe", "MOON SHADOWS") ]] would make it possible, but... >In all earnestness (Did I butcher the word?) >even if you never moved or move somewhere else it >might help you see what you want and don't want in a program. Y'know, that is probably the scariest thing that's happening. We are shopping for the McDonalds of programs - just anything we can get. We have completely stopped thinking in terms of evaluating Laurel's needs. When I try to remember what went on at (link-repeat:"previous IEPs ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The past neevr goes", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "away--it merely", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "repeats itself.", "Resource letter") ]], all the things I talked about are still true and none of them are being addressed. It all seems so distant now... </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Then again") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "My chains") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>zorfs<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Zorfs, n. pl. A very light touching (link-repeat:"ritual")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Then again") ]], which begins at the ends of the hair, travels around the neck, and ends with a hand running slowly down the arm. A way to say "(link-repeat:"I love you")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why does it take so", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "long to learn what", "Mama") (link-goto: "these words mean?", "On second thought") ]]" </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "back", "Then again") (link-goto: "back", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "back", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "back", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "back", "The calmness of knowing") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>On an orphan train<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/17/97 24:56 Subject: The evil empire strikes back. I called Ms. Bradshaw back after hanging up on her when she told me about the (link-repeat:"New Jersey school")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why is it that the most", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "gut wrenching choice is", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "also the cheapest and", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "easiest for the school?", "Damned if you do") ]]. Apologized for the (link-repeat:"loose wire*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Loose wire") ]]. Somehow, we must have gotten disconnected. Awfully unreliable, these telephone companies. Anyway, we talked a while about the appropriateness of the New Jersey school. She is going to drop by pamphlets. She gave me the (link-repeat:"URL*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "URL") ]] so that I could look it up on the web. Naturally, I got a (link-repeat:"404 error*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "404 error") ]]--there is no such page. I think she'll simply say the server was down and will give me the URL again. I don't think she is going to give up on this place merely because I can't find their website. I think she felt the tiniest bit guilty, because she agreed finally that it really wasn't the mother who is being disruptive. And if we did finally settle on New Jersey, the district would send both Laurel and me out there. The school had a dorm, so I could stay as Laurel got settled in. (I would have to come back, because if I lived out there, then I would not live in the Colorado district, and the State of Colorado would no longer pay for Laurel to be in New Jersey.) It is these (link-repeat:"catch-22s")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Catch as catch can,", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "candyman, you can't catch", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "a catch-22.", "bureaucrazy") ]] that she just doesn't want to see–or maybe that she doesn't want me to see "But my dear, don't you see how free you would be with this?" Ms. Bradshaw asked. I told her that much freedom would kill me. "How would you like to be separated from your daughter for years at a stretch?" I asked. "Oh, sometimes I think I wouldn't mind at all." she replied, and I could just see her tossing her long black hair back from her face and smiling wryly. I said I appreciated the gestures, but that I was still far from convinced that this was the right place for Laurel. I wasn't at all sure about their methods of behavior modification, the fact that they could change meds any time they wanted, etc. The usual shop talk, the pro talk, the (link-repeat:"MOM")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I want a time machine", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "so I can go back to", "Meaning what") (link-goto: "the fifties when", "at all times") (link-goto: "Mom always knew best.", "Profession") ]] talk. Ms. Bradshaw finally said she'd look around. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Anthropophobia") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Chicago") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>SOLE REMEDY<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The dictionary of mythology snatches these scraps of words from the lost ages: When reflected in water, the moon is a remedy for nervous (link-repeat:"hysteria")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why do we pray", "GYNATRISIA") (link-goto: "to our destroyers", "MOON MADNESS") (link-goto: "to heal us?", "HYSTERICS") ]]. And then interprets this as the mirror of our subconscious, as the reflected light of spiritual enfoldment. But this modern patina does nt obscure the truth. The moon's light on the water heals only because the water has given in to the moon. There is no resistance, (link-repeat:"therefore there is no pain.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. When does a window", "Continuous replay") (link-goto: "go to the doctor?", "Attack time") (link-goto: "A. When it has", "my body is in charge") (link-goto: "a pane.", "blood talks") ]]. But I cannot help asking, is surrender the only way to end this endless battle? Or will the surrender itself be an act of unpardonable aggression? </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>PDR<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: The Physician's Desk Reference. A bible no household should be without. Anything you want to know - straight out of the (link-repeat:"drug manufacturer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Your body is merely a", "Consultants") (link-goto: "set of chemicals--drugs", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "just add to the equation.", "trip") ]]'s mouths themselves. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "You plan") (link-goto: "back", "Med-daze") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>determined<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: It is the oddest thing, that when you need your body the most, it decides to (link-repeat:"freak out")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "of course, it helps when", "Continuous replay") (link-goto: "you are a freak already.", "Death wish") ]] under the stress. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Med-daze") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>The great wall<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Stuff to worry about Beyond the summer looms the great wall, the black unknown. If we can't even decide how to finish off the school year, how are we going to plot out Laurel's future? While all the books are off blithely touting the formative years as the crucial years, the never-say-die years, the only-time-something-can-be-done years, the schools are saying we will deal with it when she is 21. In fact, they even offered to tack on a few weeks of a program when Laurel is 21, to magnanimously make up for what they are refusing her this year. How kind. How thoughtful of them to think that Laurel will make it to 21, or that we will put up with their abuses for another decade and more. But things aren't really any better any place else. Every place has extremely long (link-repeat:"waiting lists*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "waiting lists") ]]. The school officials, the doctors, the residential home administrators grasp this knowledge in their craws. Slowly, they squash any thoughts of the future, any dread speculations on the great wall of nothing that looms beyond this school year and billows outward through (link-repeat:"the rest of our lives")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The longer we wait,", "Leaving") (link-goto: "the less we'll have to", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "show for our patience.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Anything") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Beyond anything") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>waiting lists<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Waiting lists for each of Denver's three facilities for autistic adults are approximately 20 years. According to this, if I enroll Laurel now, she will be at least 30 before she can get in. I will be over 50. These are not numbers I like to (link-repeat:"calculate ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Numbers lie", "4 to 1") (link-goto: "intuitively.", "numbers know") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "The great wall") (link-goto: "back", "Going on empty") (link-goto: "back", "Getting down to it") (link-goto: "back", "Smokers") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Aftermath") (link-goto: "back", "let me know") (link-goto: "back", "Hares") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Beyond anything<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Stuff to worry about Is there really anything beyond anything? The wall has gripped me so tightly I cannot think. Late at night I like to imagine the other side of the moon, the other side of time when my body is no longer sprained or broken twice a day. Anyone else would think that that would be heaven. But I have delved deep into their minds, those phantasms on the other side of anything. I know they do not feel anything, even their corpuscles are wiped clean of (link-repeat:"my memories")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Memories are a poor", "Memories") (link-goto: "investment--they fade", "For richer") (link-goto: "quickly and cannot", "CELL MEMORY") (link-goto: "be traded in", "MOON GIRL") ]]. Beyond anything I could not nuzzle my Laurel, feel her fine spun hair in my dreams. Beyond anything I would not know the pain of my love. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The great wall") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "PRAYER") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>PRAYER<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I want to ask the moon if we can try again. I want to do something, anything, other than this macabre dance around the (link-repeat:"absence of beyond")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I am slipping into", "Desperate") (link-goto: "the abyss.", "DOWN TO GRIEF") ]]. But I do not dare. Considering what the moon has done to me already, every cell in my being shrinks from bringing her gaze upon me once again. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Beyond anything") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Panic", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "This is what happens", "My soul") (link-goto: "when you have gone", "is captured") (link-goto: "so deep", "so far") (link-goto: "into the quagmire", "in my pain") (link-goto: "that you cannot", "that I cannot") (link-goto: "free yourself.", "free her.") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>that i cannot<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Instead, my cells hung on so deeply that nothing I could do would ease their clutching. This is not to say I did not try. Still, still the very core of my prison could (link-repeat:"not undo the pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Pain has its own", "intentions.") (link-goto: "boundaries that you", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "learn not to cross.", "Attack time") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "in my pain") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "free her.") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>STICKY SOULS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The moon (link-repeat:"keeps the keys")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I want to believe that", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "the key to my soul looks", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "like a cross between a", "THE SOUL SELECTS") (link-goto: "dragon and a prism.", "SOLE REMEDY") ]] to my soul to herself. I cannot break out of my body. The moon refuses to let me die. My voice finds the walls of the moon, yet cannot penetrate beyond the stone walls of my body. My soul goes on breathing under the moon's sharp pains, yet cannot find the way to shut off my lungs. I am doomed to find the edges of my: (link-repeat:"*Heart capacity")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Show biz") ]] (link-repeat:"*Lung capacity")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Running again") ]] (link-repeat:"*Soul capacity")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Slip-sliding away") ]] </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>in my pain<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I went down and pleaded with my cells to release my soul. Give me the keys, I cried out to them. Open your walls just the smallest fraction of an atom. This is all I can ask of you. (link-repeat:"They refused")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What the goddess would", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "destroy, she first", "The calmness of knowing") (link-goto: "must refuse", "Before the storm") (link-goto: "to acknowledge.", "He declines") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "in my pain") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "that I cannot") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>free her.<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> My soul still lies there, breathless under the moon's weight, trapped like a hunted beast. Now (link-repeat:"my soul's eyes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have never seen", "MOON EYES") (link-goto: "through my eyes", "god's eyes") (link-goto: "other than my own.", "potatoe eyes") ]] follow me with the relentless light of an abandoned fawn. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "that I cannot") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Panic", "that I cannot") (link-goto: "Panic", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "Sarah", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>My soul<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> My soul wandered through the prison of my body, rattling my cell doors, begging my blood for release. Her (link-repeat:"voice")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have never heard", "snowvoice") (link-goto: "the voice of my soul", "RITUALS") ]] once high and imperious, faded colder with each passing breath until it was merely a pleading sigh, soft as unblooded snow. Her thoughts~once scarlet with anger at her jailers, throwing mad visages of murder, of pulling each cilia slowly out of each phagocyte~slowly eased into the nothingness of captured ice. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="PO"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "is captured") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>so far<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> My soul raged, blind beyond the (link-repeat:"boundaries of my skin")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have never understood", "So he knows") (link-goto: "anything beyond", "Continuous replay") (link-goto: "my own skin.", "moon skin") ]]. No one remarked upon my struggle. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "is captured") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "in my pain") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>is captured<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> She coursed like a caged animal through my (link-repeat:"closed veins")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you build the walls", "GYNATRISIA") (link-goto: "high enough, nothing can", "DOWN TO GRIEF") (link-goto: "get out--or come in.", "moon breaks") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "My soul") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "so far") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>My chains<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 1/10/96 21: 47 Subject: Child abuse as usual Hey, I finally found OCR! That is the Office of Civil Rights. And I actually talked to a human being. Now is when the (link-repeat:"fun begins")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If those in trouble had", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "the capacity to fill out", "Disconnecting") (link-goto: "the paperwork to get help", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "then they would not", "bureaucrazy") (link-goto: "need the help", "locate resources") (link-goto: "in the first place.", "All I wanted") ]]. The desk is piling up with paperwork from the OCR and you are supposed to keep a log of every phone call, every thought, every nuance of every person you contact for your daughter. This includes the "that's not my department" and the "Well, I'm sorry they referred you to us but we can't help you, you'll have to go back to them" lines. You are supposed to follow up every lead you can, every clue, like a 24 hour gumshoe without any gums in his pocket. Describe each contact. Date of contact: Who did you speak with? What did they say? What agreements were made: in writing verbally Describe each subsequent follow up, including date, person, and action. Describe the last incident Date of incident: What happened? Who was there? What was the (link-repeat:"aftermath")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Who sweeps up", "Leaving") (link-goto: "all the pieces", "IN THE UNREAL") (link-goto: "and properly disposes", "fades.") (link-goto: "of them afterwards?", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]]? My daughter has not been in school for the last eleven months, doesn't that mean anything? No, because you haven't done the paperwork </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For the time being") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Wrong Residence") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Wrong Residence<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/15/97 Subject: Where we are going Hi guys. Ahh what fools we mortals be when first we bother to assume. I (silly silly me) thought we were talking about Willard Home in Denver Colorado when we were talking residential placement. After all, that would be the cheapest option and I'd be close enough to partake in all counseling, schooling, etc. etc. Well guess again. Those guys can't put Laurel in a residential home in Denver because that would go against one or another or several or any of or something or other of their bleeping rules. Nooo, they are talking about a home in New Jersey, or something. Flying Laurel out to (link-repeat:"New Jersey")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Who can do anything", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "in New Jersey?", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "A. Hoboken (hobo-can).", "On an orphan train") ]] (though (link-repeat:"Chicago ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I can't even get to the", "disharmonics") (link-goto: "grocery store, and they", "trip") (link-goto: "want to send me where?!?", "Chicago") ]]) would be a nightmare. It would be 10 hours of nonstop weirdness. And what if she goes ballistic on the plane and starts biting and hitting me? What's the pilot gonna do, pull up on the brakes, and say "ok lady, you guys hit the road. I think we are half way over Nebraska"?? This is so megaweird and probably bitchin illegal too. But it's the laws that got us here in the first place!! P.S. You guys have got to tell me. Am I paranoid? Should I start bitching my head off? How do I respond? I can no longer afford to wait for hindsight. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "My chains") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sending her away") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Sending her away<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/16/97 Subject: In a galaxy far, far away Actually, it is a little worse than that. They want to send her to New Jersey. There would be a conference about what our goals were, and I could stay for a few days in the guest cottage. But then there would be no place for me. The (link-repeat:"requisite catch-22")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why does the district", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "need dollars?", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "A. Because it can't", "at all times") (link-goto: "make cents.", "Emergency 4") ]] is, of course, if I move out there then Laurel is no longer a client of this district and loses her placement. The contract is with the district - not with Laurel, not with me. And visits are a recreational, family thing, so the school wouldn't pay for that. Mother, they say, is too much of a distracting influence. The child will be a lot calmer if Mom isn't around. I calmly pointed out, over the phone to Ms. Bradshaw that if the district actually believed this, then why did they refuse to put Laurel in school? Why did they insist that she be in my "distracting" company for 24 hours 7 days a week? "The district," Ms. Bradshaw informed me, "has no other alternatives." "Why was New Jersey the only choice?" I asked. "Well, it is the only place that has an opening available right now." Ms. Bradshaw sniffed. "So, let me get this straight. You are telling me that you want to send my child to a school with the sole criterion being that there is an opening." My voice raised (link-repeat:"incredulous")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Incredulous") ]] "Are you telling me that there is not one person in the state of Colorado who can educate my child?" "Well, (link-repeat:"given the circumstances...")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Circumstances. Contexts.", "Emergency 4") (link-goto: "Situations beyond our", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "control. These have full", "Pro re nata, def.") (link-goto: "rein over our lives.", "Out of options") ]] " Ms. Bradshaw's voice trailed off. So help me I couldn't help myself. I hung up. Again. And this time I did not call her back. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Wrong Residence") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MOTHS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON MOTHS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The moon's phagocytes course through my system like rogue eating machines set loose for a sweet chocolate Sunday afternoon. There are far too many, and they are far too invisible to blame, to tell someone, to say here lies the legion of culprits. Yet they are grazing on my soul, feasting on each small memory, tiny triumph, backward glance. (link-repeat:"Consuming the ephemera")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The trouble with memories", "Memories") (link-goto: "is that I am not sure", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "what I have forgotten.", "Life in the good lane") ]], the things far too trivial to matter. Don't worry, the moon laughs lightly at me, telling me that even one of her phagocytes would take a millenia to devour only a microcosm. Do I have the strength any more to tell her my soul is too insubstantial to nourish my own cells, with nothing to spare for hers? </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Incredulous<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Actually, I shouldn't have been so surprised. The board has never really (link-repeat:"been logical")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Logic seems to be", "Pain") (link-goto: "an unknown stranger", "Bruno deconstructed") (link-goto: "in our lives.", "You mean") ]], so why should it start now? Come to think of it, if they did do something halfway intelligent, then I really would be incredulous. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "back", "Uncertain") (link-goto: "back", "404 error") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>404 error<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: There is a 404 error (link-repeat:"around here somewhere")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Cindrella, dressed in", "Disclaimer") (link-goto: "yella, went upstairs to", "Incredulous") (link-goto: "kiss a fella. Made a", "see it.") (link-goto: "mistake and kissed", "Electronic madness") (link-goto: "a snake. How many", "shut downs") (link-goto: "doctors did it take?", "I knew") ]]. Reason not found. Rationale not found. Underlying motivation line is clogged. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "back", "melted?!?") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>URL<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: URL is supposed to stand for Uniform Resource Locator. It's what web sites use as phone numbers. However, URLs have never located what I consider primary resources, like (link-repeat:"money")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Old mother Hubbard,", "enough") (link-goto: "looked in her cupboard", "Money matters") ]], (link-repeat:"time")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "To fetch her poor", "attention") (link-goto: "dog a bone.", "Try outs") ]], or (link-repeat:"sanity")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "But when she got there,", "Electronic madness") (link-goto: "the cupboard was bare,", "Rage") (link-goto: "And so we got none.", "looked very hard.") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "On an orphan train") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Loose wire<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: It's in your head, I wanted to shout at her. In your head, and definitely (link-repeat:"not in mine")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Three little moon-keys", "I knew") (link-goto: "jumping on the bed,", "being paranoid") (link-goto: "one fell down and", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "broke her head.", "So he knows") ]]! </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "back", "this is how") (link-goto: "back", "Flyer") (link-goto: "back", "Withering choices") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Chicago<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/16/97 03:47 Subject: Thinking about New Jersey Hello my patient loyal troopsters. And now it's time for another in the continuing stooooory of a pig that's gone to the dogs. It's PIIIIIIIGGSS INNNNNNN SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE....... Or am I getting those two mixed up anymore? You know, you always wonder if those pigs in that chintzy spaceship ever believe they are going somewhere (even if it's not where no pig has gone before.) Do they think, "yes that star looks familiar - it hasn't changed for five whole episodes"? The reason I'm asking this is (yes, Virginia, there is ALWAYS a reason) I think we have to go through Chicago to check out the New Jersey school. (Or check into the New Jersey school. One or the other. ) Of course, I am saying "we" here pretty darned royally. I'm not sure if the school board will pay for me to accompany Laurel, or if they are just planning on buying her a (link-repeat:"one way ticket")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Does this terrify me only", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "because I know what will", "alone.") (link-goto: "happen when I leave her?", "Death fear") ]] and letting the stewardesses thrash it out. Given the mood that all of us have been in lately, that may well be the plan. Why am I writing this nonsense to you all at 3 am in the morning? Because I just woke up from a dream I can't even remember and tried to think of something - anything positive. Laurel is up too, throwing her sister's teddy bear out of the window, running out the door, picking it up, bringing it back inside, and throwing it again. I should stop here. Any sane mother would, but I keep thinking that maybe if Laurel hears the computer going she will want to type too. . . that does seem (link-repeat:"to calm her a bit")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If I had a bridge to", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "the outside world,", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "it would calm me, too.", "Broken wires") ]]. Hey, I just suddenly remembered the concourse between A and B at the Chicago O'Hare Airport. I went through about 10 years ago - just a bit (link-repeat:"BC*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "BC") ]]. It's some sort of modern art: The Subject: a dark tunnel with fluted stained glass walls, a mirrored ceiling, and bright neon tubes near the ceiling that range the rainbow - from pale yellow to bright magenta and back again. It's something Laurel would have just loved (Or may still love - I'll get us a long layover...) </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "On an orphan train") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "People monsters", "trip") (link-goto: "Is there anything", "I am not") (link-goto: "more to life than", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "false memories", "this is how") (link-goto: "or incoherent", "it happened") (link-goto: "dreams?", "Or if it did.") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>trip<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> (link-repeat:"A real trip")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "In other words, something", "melted?!?") (link-goto: "you really can't", "see it.") (link-goto: "discuss.", "intentions.") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Chicago") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "GLASS HARMONICA") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Or if it did.<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 If the moon took my child, it certainly would not be in the middle of Chicago O'Hare Airport. There would be far too many witnesses. Chicago is relatively sane, unlike - say - New York City. If it were La Guardia Airport, no one would see anything. In Chicago, surely someone would go ahead and say "Yeah, I saw the moon swoop down through the tunnel and snatch that lady's kid. Right, the moon had long neon colored hair and was wearing a milky white gown with green stripes. About 6 foot 4, maybe 140-150 pounds or so. Skinny bitch, the moon." Or at the very least, notify the (link-repeat:"proper authorities")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Who would, no doubt,", "Reputations") (link-goto: "take the appropriate", "Social Services") (link-goto: "actions.", "Advocrazy") ]]. And the moon would never bother the concourses again. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Chicago") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "radio waves", "Night moves") (link-goto: "Sarah", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "HOLD NO HOPE") (link-goto: "End points.", "Egress") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "it happened") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HEBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>this is how<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 All I can remember from that tunnel between concourses is the slowly changing, every-flashing lines of neon, (link-repeat:"mirrored into infinity")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Mirrors only reflect", "Loose wire") (link-goto: "our own madness.", "SOLE REMEDY") ]] from the ceiling. I knew then that if the moon had (link-repeat:"hair")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon weaves her hair", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "from ancient starlight.", "hair") ]] it would be these neon strands, so infinitely reflected in the mirrored ceiling stained silver like the clouds basking in the moon's stolen light. If the moon (link-repeat:"had a voice")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I know only that this", "snowvoice") (link-goto: "is a voice I cannot", "other moons") (link-goto: "find or hear.", "GLASS HARMONICA") ]], then it would be these reed tones growing into the music flowing far from the light. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Chicago") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "circling smoke", "it happened") (link-goto: "radio waves", "Memories") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "entirely sure") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>I am not<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 This was a long time ago, but sometimes I just know it was only the day before yesterday. My friend (this could have been Leah, who used to keep the magic we forgot in a hidden corner on the school playground, or maybe it was Susan, who used to be Megalasourus, who was going to be a palentologist because she understood what it was to be frozen in stone) and I went off to Chicago because she had (link-repeat:"something to show me")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What rights do memories", "DOWN TO GRIEF") (link-goto: "have to interfere", "affair") (link-goto: "with the now?", "No harm done") ]]. I'm not entirely sure when or what we were doing there other than that. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Chicago") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "circling smoke", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "radio waves", "Yesterday") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>entirely sure<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 My friend's sight came in only through frazzled nerves, and the blurred effect, she swore, was the only way she could show me this. She needed me to see through her eyes. She needed someone to understand. So she lent me some weed and an old pair of glasses. Properly blurred, we turned into the tunnel between concourses B and C of Chicago's O'Hare Airport. There ought to be a warning posted: The light show you are about to see could cause (link-repeat:"orgasmic understanding")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why can't anyone", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "describe what", "LULLABY") (link-goto: "an orgasm feels like?", "my body is in charge") ]]. Stay on the moving sidewalk. Do not look up or to the side. But this is what most people don't look around or experience anything anyway, so why bother? The first time through, the neon threads hanging below the ceiling threatened my eyes with their infinite possibilities. So I shaded my eyes and looked only at the fluted walls: the thick milky colors floating past. It probably took four trips and maybe ten more tokes before I could find the courage to stare at the ceiling, with its dragon-cache of mirrored neon rainbows. That's when I knew for sure. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Chicago") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "radio waves", "Rain-blowed") (link-goto: "circling smoke", "this is how") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I am not") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>it happened<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 It did happen. I have the ticket stub somewhere, probably in with the self-generating bunny dust under the refrigerator. But what I'm wondering about now is whether it happened to me or to Laurel or to someone else entirely. If it had been Laurel, then all that stuff about weed wouldn't be necessary. If it had been anyone else, I'd have to tell you to do the Columbian gold, definitely with the seeds. Or else home grown, the kind you spray with sugar water just before you cut it. But would it happen again if I took Laurel to New Jersey? And (link-repeat:"what am I afraid of")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There are more forms of", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "madness in the world than", "Out of options") (link-goto: "we are willing to admit.", "1-2 punch") ]]? The idea that the concourse between A and B in Chicago O'Hare Airport is close enough to the moon that Laurel could be snatched up is ludicrous and just shows I haven't had enough sleep in way too long. </div> </div> <div class="HFBL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Chicago") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "circling smoke", "Or if it did.") (link-goto: "radio waves", "Don't stand") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "this is how") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFBL1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Yesterday<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 When all my troubles seemed not far away. I believe in yesterday. Yesterday. Suddenly, things are precisely what (link-repeat:"they used to be")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Stuck-itarianism:", "clean") (link-goto: "When you mess your life", "Herculean") (link-goto: "up so badly, your soul", "Vanity") (link-goto: "has to repeat it all down", "Dried roses") (link-goto: "to the last detail.", "THE SOUL SELECTS") ]]. 'Cause I've forgotten yesterday. Yesterday. yesterday. yesterday. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I am not") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Rain-blowed") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Rain-blowed<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 Somewhere over the rainbow when I'm high souls die when they are rain-blowed why oh (link-repeat:"why can't I")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Death is the common right", "Death wish") (link-goto: "of moons and women.", "STICKY SOULS") ]]? </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "entirely sure") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Memories") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Memories<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 Memories (link-repeat:"crowd me out")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It seems I am", "LISTEN") (link-goto: "no longer part of", "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") (link-goto: "the equation in", "GLASS ENDINGS") (link-goto: "my daughter's life.", "Advocrazy") ]] of the moonlight Life was much simpler then. I remember the way I fled when happiness was near May the memories fade again. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "this is how") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Don't stand") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Don't stand<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 Moon stands so Moon stands so (link-repeat:"close to me")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where can you drown?", "a cyst") (link-goto: "A. De Nile.", "DENIAL") ]]. She knows I She knows I can't stand her beat. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "it happened") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Night moves") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Night moves<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1984 Watch while the moon in one swift move turns us all into her pawns. Watching and waiting praying for the (link-repeat:"endless night")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I see the bad moon rising", "WILD MOONS") (link-goto: "I see trouble's", "MOON GIRL") (link-goto: "here to stay.", "AFTER A WHILE") ]] to turn into a very sure dawn. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Or if it did.") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "GLASS HARMONICA") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>GLASS HARMONICA<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> It is said that to play it is to go insane. Mozart, of course, could not resist and wrote a quintet for it. Oboe, viola, and cello flirting as always with luna and some extra bubbles for the flute. Glass moistened at the rim and spun in orbits of overtones. The timbre may be what invokes the moon so often. The oboe only makes one a bit strange, not (link-repeat:"totally possessed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon holds all our", "SOLE REMEDY") (link-goto: "souls in the tightness", "Life sparks") (link-goto: "of her fist.", "DENIAL") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Not working<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/30/96 22:39 Subject: School Board entertainment Ahh the early lazy days of summer vacation, when life is full of possibilities. You could be a spelunker and find a thousand caves filled with coins of gold (or at the very least pogs of skull and pirate faces). You could dive from heights unknown to man and land on neatly made beds. Hold it right there. I think the neatly made beds part is a (link-repeat:"mommy fantasy")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These are the sequels", "Somehow") (link-goto: "to the romances", "Mama") (link-goto: "that are never written.", "LULLABY") ]], and one the kids would not appreciate. After all, who would WANT to be the mommy during summer vacation? Jack Cooper came by to play with Janet at a quarter of seven in the evening. It was still plenty light, so I said that they could go outside for a little bit. Laurel toddled along behind them, wanting to be in on the fun. I pulled on some shoes and followed all of them out, with my hair unbrushed and no bra. Laurel immediately took off for the school, and Janet and Jack followed her. Which would have been fine, except that there was an open school board meeting going on, and the doors were unlocked. Jack, curious, threw the door open and in Laurel went, to her old room. She played on the computer, and that would have been fine, except that she decided she needed to go through the window. This, too, would have been fine, except that someone had been revarnishing the window and it would not open all the way. So she was stuck half way through. I spent a good deal of time waiting for her to back out. Laurel refused to move. Finally, I pulled her away from the outside and Janet closed the window. Unable to get back out the window, Laurel pinched me, then knocked my glasses flying along with a handful of my hair. She grabbed a double handful of hair and pulled me to the ground, while she turned onto her back, still holding my hair, and kicked me in the face and stomach. I had to cover her mouth and nose to get her to let go. After she got up, she continued screaming, and wouldn't the school meeting happen to be getting out just then. You should have seen the looks I got from the other mothers. I'm going to hear about the (link-repeat:"looks*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "the looks") ]] later. On the way home, Janet periodically lunged for my breasts, pinching them viciously. Boy, that's effective. I jumped around her and walked on ahead, and she followed. She was pretty much calm by the time we got home. I made her go to her room anyway. She was mad, and screamed and beat on the doors. Her hands were tattered shreds of skin by the time she was calm enough for me to go in. I don't think the Anafranil is working. Her (link-repeat:"OCD*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "OCD") ]] has escalated since she's been on it, and her aggression increased this past week. The psychiatrist (link-repeat:"raised her dosage")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When I have a moment", "Meds") (link-goto: "remind me to ask why", "Consultants") (link-goto: "medication", "drugs") (link-goto: "and meditation", "trip") (link-goto: "are just one letter apart", "Med-daze") ]]. But I just don't think that's it. I don't know what to do. The thing is, it's mostly these breaks in structure that precipitate the problem, so I don't think there would be such a problem in a highly structured environment. How do you explain the summer vacation? Especially when the last time she was out was the long "break" in the middle of last year as the school couldn't get its act together to save its ass. I try for a consistent home schedule. We attempt to wake up at the same time, do exercises at the same time, etc. But it is nowhere near what she can get in a school, with bells, other classes, and all the frenetic yet ordered activities. Face it, I can't guarantee a constant, consistent, highly structured environment outside of school. The boundaries are too vague to really set anything up. Further, the outside errands (grocery shopping, gas, etc.) are low structure, high random events. Going for a walk is a vague sort of thing–even if you do it at the same time each evening. And that's when most of the aggression is happening. I guess what I really want is to abolish summer vacations, weekends, and any other stray aberrations from the schedule. Feedback guys? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Broken wires") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>After I<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Summer 1990 By her third birthday, Laurel had been screaming practically nonstop for ten months. Her vocabulary consisted of: ¤ a high, keening note which meant (link-repeat:"she wanted something")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hush little baby", "doors") (link-goto: "don't say a word.", "filigree") (link-goto: "Momma's gonna buy", "THE MOON'S PRICE") (link-goto: "you a mocking bird.", "Rage") ]]: a bottle, a wheel from the Big Wheels toy car to spin, a clean diaper, a piece of moonlight on the wall. Something, anything. I was never sure what. ¤ a dark, low scream that signified pure terror. I learned to recognize the symptoms and (link-repeat:"causes of fears")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Now I lay me", "papers") (link-goto: "down to sleep", "hands") (link-goto: "I pray the Moon", "water falls") (link-goto: "my soul I keep", "doorlights") ]]: the front door, a piece of paper, my hands, running water. Everything, anything became (link-repeat:"the enemy")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If I should die", "Life sparks") (link-goto: "before I wake,", "First strike") (link-goto: "I pray the Moon", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") (link-goto: "my soul to take.", "1-2 punch") ]] to be slain through her voice. ¤ a ceaseless scale of sound like an operatic banshee that went from a low moan to an inaudibly high squeal. This was (link-repeat:"the ultimate air raid")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hush a bye baby", "DOWN TO GRIEF") (link-goto: "on a moon beam,", "intentions.") (link-goto: "When the wind blows", "to become") (link-goto: "the cradle will rock.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]] that kept everything else at bay and was used whenever the other two were not enough to (link-repeat:"convey her soul")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "the cradle will fall.", "MOON MOTHS") (link-goto: "Down will come baby,", "WILD MOONS") (link-goto: "cradle and all", "alone.") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "had left her") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ALL I REALLY WANT") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>once,<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Fall 1989 Janet's birth was much easier than Laurel's had been. Janet politely signalled with even spaced pains, waited patiently for the ambulance, and made her appearance just under a half an hour after I was prepped. No complications there, and I brought her home quickly. The Catholic charity sent out ten girls in a row to help when Janet was born. They would stream into the house, carrying oversize suitcases of blowdryers, torn jeans, and oversize sweatshirts. They would stream back out of the house carrying earplugs and clutching rosaries. One lasted two hours. Another 5 minutes. After a while, the girls stopped coming. Janet and I learned to (link-repeat:"live around the sounds")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Baby and I", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "were baked in a pie.", "Meds") (link-goto: "The gravy was way too hot", "Sandwiches") (link-goto: "We had nothing to pay", "babysitters") (link-goto: "to the baker that day,", "As the Grocery turns") (link-goto: "And so we crept out", "Beyond anything") (link-goto: "of her pot.", "ok") ]] of Laurel's screams. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I knew") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BONES KNOW") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>had left her<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Summer 1989 I tried everything I could to handle Laurel's screams. She had (link-repeat:"no words")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Words are the only", "pre-verbal") (link-goto: "power the soul has", "books") (link-goto: "over her world", "Mama") ]], no other language to communicate her anguish. After she had cried nonstop for over a month, I made an appointment with Doctor Jacobsen, the pediatrician the insurance company recommended. I told the nurse I wanted to speak with the doctor over the phone first. She sounded a bit odd as we made the phone appointment, but Dr. Jacobsen called on the dot and did not flinch at the background of screams. He said to bring her (link-repeat:"in after hours*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "in after hours") ]] so no one else would be disturbed. I thanked him. When we got there, he took his time. Slowly Laurel accepted the stethoscope he had warmed in his hand. He listened for gas, for breathing, for heartbeats. Tested her reflexes. Felt for any tender areas. Held her carefully and told her that he was going to draw blood. Laurel never stopped her scaled screaming, but she never modulated into the (link-repeat:"tones of terror")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "On a scale that only", "After I") (link-goto: "the moon could understand", "The storm") ]] either. After making notes, we set up a phone appointment for the results. He called back, promptly on the dot with the news that nothing seemed to be out of place physically. We talked about the asymptomatic weeks that had led up to this sudden onset, the slow development beforehand. I had not realized that at fifteen months Laurel should have been able to speak a few words, understand and comply with complex directions like "turn off the tv" or "come into the living room." Laurel had done none of these things. She had seemed content to lie in her crib, staring at her iridescent mobile of the cow, the fork, and the spoon jumping over the moon. He asked if there had been anything emotional that might be causing this, any outside stress. I told him, there had been some marital difficulties, and actually my husband had left for good the week before this and probably wasn't coming back. He asked if this final breaking point was from the child's screaming. I said, no, there had been (link-repeat:"other issues")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "No nothing spectacular", "credit cards") (link-goto: "Just the everyday", "clean") (link-goto: "terrors of life.", "affair") ]], too. He said there wasn't much he could do and recommended we both see a psychologist. Gave me some sleeping pills, and nodded when I said I couldn't take them - there was (link-repeat:"no one to watch")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If it takes a village", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "to raise a child, what am", "she asked") (link-goto: "I doing in the suburbs?", "Out on a limb") ]] Laurel while I slept. Gave Laurel some children's aspirin just on the off chance it might be physical. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "once,") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "STONES UNDERSTAND") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>leave her again<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Spring 1990 When I got back to town, I rushed over to the Oak Ridge Institute and demanded to see my daughter. I had to talk with her, if only to make reparations for my poor mothering behind glass, like a prisoner apologizing for her sins, touching the glass as if it were the fingers of the one she has murdered. I was led into a small cement waiting room, with a demarcation line painted firmly on the concrete - white on the top and a dark khaki underneath, as if this stark contrast was all that was needed to fend off the ill winds of feeblemindedness (or whatever terms they were using at the moment). I opened the door, waiting. A nurse in a white cap shuffled back over the yellowed linoleum tiles and brought out a limp bundle, wrapped tightly against the cold. She carried her bundle stiffly, arms outstretched, hands clawing in like the rails on a crib - there only to keep things from falling out of line. She placed the bundle on the seat beside me. I opened it slowly, lifting the face from the edges of the starched white sheets. A thin parody of Laurel's face lay in the depths of the cloth, her image smudged with silence, with tears. I could not tell if the tears were mine or hers. She opened her eyes, struggled to get her arms free of the sheets, and held onto my hand. Her arm clenched mine, her face still impassive, still unmoving. I held her. She struggled free, still silent. Walked over to the door and started to pound on it with her fists. I opened it. She walked out into the hallway, tugging at my arm in the way she always did to lead me to whatever it was she wanted. I followed. We went to the front desk, where she pounded her way along the railing. Over to the double front doors, which she pounded. I stopped her, showed her how they opened outwards. She stepped through and pounded the sidewalk. Dropped my hand, ran over to the car, and pounded on the passenger side. We left. I called later, explaining what had happened, and told them we would not require their services. Naturally, there was a lot more to it than that. This was the first of the many (link-repeat:"Social Service")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These people know that", "Social Services") (link-goto: "in loco parentis means", "Gestapo") (link-goto: "that parents are loco.", "Leaving") ]] visits, explanations, and reports. But I don't want to get into that right now. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MOTHER") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>NO TURNING BACK<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files Only the pale shadows of things survived outside of the words written in the moon's blood. Dimly, the shadows sensed that they were not what they had once been, and the shadows wrote their own words of a golden age which none of them could remember. The moon read their words and wept. Seeing the (link-repeat:"shadows' longing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do shadows", "SCATH GEALACH") (link-goto: "want most?", "MOON SHADOWS") (link-goto: "A. To be-long.", "moon cd") ]], the moon tried to make things right. She erased part of a scroll, the one that talked of the ways people understood the universe, conversed with the stars, and kept faith with themselves and the animals. But as she erased the words, these things were not strong enough to reappear in the world, and so they fell out of existence altogether. The moon tried to breathe life into the words. But the words had lost the ability to breathe with her. They stared, lifeless, on the page. And the moon could not reach them in their (link-repeat:"tombs*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hecatomb") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "AFTER THE FALL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HIDING THE REAL") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>I could never<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Spring 1990 I put Laurel in the Oak Ridge Institute on a "trial basis." Dr. (link-repeat:"Graybill")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "leave her again") ]] got around the waiting list by saying it was an emergency, temporary placement. We would find the way to pay the bills somehow. Dad said it was the best thing for all of us and presented me with a (link-repeat:"prepaid hotel stay*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "prepaid") ]] at the Red Mountain Inn in Glenwood Springs. Janet and I stayed for six glorious days. I called the Oak Ridge Institute twice a day, asking about Laurel. They said she was fine, that she was doing well, and had stopped screaming about thirteen hours after I left. They said she was eating. They said she was not making eye contact, but that would come in time. I took some of the time for myself. I had a shower that was over an hour long, treated myself to a hot oil treatment, an actual hair cut, and long sessions in the two olympic size pools of natural hot springs. As I lay in the hot water and looked up at the newly green mountains, I wondered if I should have done this a long time ago. After all, I told myself, the experts did in thirteen hours what you failed to do in thirteen months. Maybe I really am a bad influence on my daughter. Maybe I did cause this. I looked over each of my actions with a magnifying glass for the (link-repeat:"seed crystal")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Predestination.", "You plan") (link-goto: "When the moon thought", "The final shot") (link-goto: "she knew what", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "she was doing.", "Before the storm") ]], the action I could hold up and say, this was the catalyst. This was the cause of the whole thing. Had she heard our whispered fights? Had I tried to toilet train her too soon? Given up too soon? Was it being pregnant with Janet? Had I rubbed my belly where she could see me? Breast fed her too long? Not long enough? Fed her the wrong breakfast cereal? My mind raced faster than the wind in the pine trees. The bubbles streaming up from the chair as I lay there did nothing to calm my nerves. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "leave her again") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "SCATH GEALACH") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>I knew<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Fall 1989 Dr. Jacobsen tried antibiotics, then taking her off all solid foods and rotating from one formula to another until we'd covered every brand on the market. He had me giving her enemas twice a week, until she turned up anemic. Nothing worked. At his insistence, we went to a psychiatrist, Dr. (link-repeat:"Graybill")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I could never") ]], a sweet lady who each session first drank a full diet Doctor Pepper and then smoked four Virginia Slims, using the empty can as an ashtray. Laurel was fascinated by the way the ash settled into the rim of the can and would tip the can slightly to see how far the ash would move. At first, I tried to prevent this, but Dr. Graybill smiled and explained that she wanted to see how Laurel reacted on her own. I smiled back and relaxed–as much as we could. Laurel started with her frightened moaning but gradually relaxed into her scaled screaming. I rocked Janet and talked over the screams, telling her how lonely I'd been, how difficult it was to see anyone, how no one would stay to help and how I could not find (link-repeat:"the resources I needed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hey, no, nobody home.", "messed up financially") (link-goto: "Meat, nor drink", "Try outs") (link-goto: "nor money", "locate resources") (link-goto: "have I none.", "The great wall") (link-goto: "Hey no, nobody home.", "Resourceless") ]] to survive. She asked me how I was making it, and I said, one second at a time. She asked why I hadn't sought help, and I showed her the file. She asked why I hadn't simply let Laurel go into an institution where they could help and I told her Laurel needed me, that I hadn't seen (link-repeat:"an institution")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Institutionarianism.", "Unsafe") (link-goto: "When you die,", "Isolation") (link-goto: "someone judges that", "Implement") (link-goto: "your soul cannot survive", "Leaving") (link-goto: "on its own.", "Smokers") (link-goto: "So your soul is locked up", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "for its own good.", "On an orphan train") ]] that could help. She asked me if I had (link-repeat:"looked very hard*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "looked very hard.") ]]. We went for four sessions, each a month apart. At each session, I showed her the results of my searches, the societies, the doctors I had called, the bills I had not been able to pay. I told her I could not pay her bill, either, that we would have to work something out. On the fourth session, Dr. Graybill said she had the answers. All Laurel and I needed was a break from each other, she said. A short vacation for both of us would do (link-repeat:"wonders*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "wonders") ]]. I could sleep, catch up on my humanity. Laurel, freed from my grasp, could become normal. And she had found the very place. Oak Ridge Institute would take Laurel on a trial basis, just so we could have the breathing space we needed. I was too tired to do anything but agree. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I could never") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "SCATH GEALACH") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>eccentric lunch<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: This is Laurel's recipe: In a medium bowl, stir in two cups of water, three tablespoons cornstarch, and a quarter cup Dawn dishwashing detergent. Swirl gently. Dip hands in and blow. Catch the sunlight if you can. Keep trying if you cannot. Eat the Sunlight when you have it. I am not sure if it is lunch or bubbles. She eats it anyway. And seems fine for the moment. I join her. The soap (link-repeat:"sunlight")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Daffy-down-dilly", "Leaving") (link-goto: "in her yellow petticoat", "After the child") (link-goto: "and her green gown.", "MOON SHADOWS") ]] is almost tangy, almost a darkened silver. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "eccentric lunch") (link-goto: "back", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "back", "For poorer") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>ALL I REALLY WANT<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> All I really want is one silent moment. Then I would tell my Laurel (link-repeat:"I love her")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "dramatical") (link-goto: "knowing that my world", "LULLABY") (link-goto: "is only complete", "On second thought") (link-goto: "when you are with me.", "Rain included") ]]. In spite of or because of everything. But the moon in all her wisdom gets in the way, somehow. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>STONES UNDERSTAND<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Moonstones know they are the moon's (link-repeat:"shattered bones")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "bones") (link-goto: "Pulling the pieces", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "out of the dust.", "Broken wires") ]]. They know what the moon has forgotten to tell even herself. They know that I whisper in Laurel's ear she is my sweet moonchild. They know that sometimes I tiptoe over to Laurel and lay my head next to hers on the pillow, listening for her breath. How long will it take, I wonder, for them to call the moon back and tell her where her moonchild is? I shudder at my thoughts. At night I lie awake, too exhausted for sleep. I watch the moon as she steals back across my bedroom window. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>in after hours<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: This was the first time that someone had asked me to take Laurel in when no one else would be around. It was far from the last. I speculated on the motives behind this: * Good policy--it is easier on Laurel when no one is around and the doctor can see her in more "normal" circumstances. * Good timing--Laurel can take up far more time than a normal child, so seeing her at the end of the day will not make everyone else wait. * Good business--who would want to go to a doctor who has screaming, uncured children in his waiting room? All the same, in the back of my mind, I keep thinking about segregation. Do we have (link-repeat:"unofficial Jim Crow laws")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Does the saying:", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "Out of sight,", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "Out of mind", "Yanking") (link-goto: "have more than", "show and tell") (link-goto: "one meaning?", "I knew") ]] for the disabled? </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "had left her") (link-goto: "back", "Two camps") (link-goto: "back", "Brown vs Board") (link-goto: "back", "sidestream") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>BONES KNOW<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Bones know. You press everything inside them until the weight devours all the (link-repeat:"secret places")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "Dedication") (link-goto: "Making sure", "any place") (link-goto: "that hiding places are", "carpet knows") (link-goto: "plentiful and safe.", "hideouts") ]]. You know then there are no more calcium crannies to hide what you cannot face. The bones cannot hold your atoms in place any longer, and they shatter under the weight of what you have never said. Their shards pick at your skin late at night, saying we knew. We knew. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>wonders<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Actually, I am not sure that these are her words. Perhaps they come from another (link-repeat:"layer of memory")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There is rosemary,", "The air") (link-goto: "that is for remembrance.", "GLASS HARMONICA") (link-goto: "Pray you love, remember", "HYSTERICS") ]], another form of my own subconscious. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I knew") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>CELL MEMORY<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> But the memory of my sweet Laurel was locked too carefully within the moon's bones. Slowly, the (link-repeat:"arthritic memory")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "a cyst") (link-goto: "remembering everything", "ARKENSTONES") (link-goto: "without remorse.", "moon mind") ]] stole over her bones, wakening in the cold fog air. Her calcium caves remembered my Laurel dancing in her green and yellows . This vision turns the moon inward, cell by cell, like sap stealing out of the aspen, coloring the hills with my memories. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>looked very hard.<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: They all thought I was crazy, but I finally convinced all doctors Laurel had seen to join in one conference call. At long last, we could talk about Laurel, and not Laurel's behavior separate from Laurel's digestion separate from Laurel's tactile sense separate from Laurel's neurons separate from Laurel's left big toe. Or so I thought. I hoped we might come up with some novel way of thinking about Laurel. Dr. Jacobsen finally suggested, "Perhaps Laurel is (link-repeat:"not really in pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Pain is of the mind.", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "The mind does not", "to become") (link-goto: "acknowledge pain.", "Show biz") ]]. Perhaps she (link-repeat:"merely perceives*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "merely perceives") ]] that she is in pain." Well. (link-repeat:"Isn't that novel")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Have it your way") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "Olga", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "Olga who?", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "Olga crazy if I have", "Flea Training") (link-goto: "to think this way.", "Can't say 1") ]]? </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "I knew") (link-goto: "back", "Profession") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "URL") (link-goto: "back", "so far") (link-goto: "back", "URL") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>prepaid<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: I told (link-repeat:"Dad")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Stubbornness runs", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "in the family.", "Cop-sickles") ]] that I would really rather have the money to pay the bills. He said that this was better for my health and sanity in the long run and not to worry about it. I said that my health would be better if I didn't have to worry about the collection agency. He said it was this or nothing. I took it. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "I could never") (link-goto: "back", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "back", "When you knew") (link-goto: "back", "MOON CAKES") (link-goto: "back", "Cast of characters") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>SCATH GEALACH<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The harvest moon hangs low, gravid, almost below the horizon. The night air is too still to hear the crickets. We stand, hands tight against the rail on the deck, just staring at her, waiting for clouds to cover her. You can feel (link-repeat:"her children")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Nothing is free from", "MOON GIRL") (link-goto: "the darkened moon.", "MOON SHADOWS") ]] from here, I whisper to Laurel. We know them. The deep red fullness of the moon's body clings to me. Why can't the moon (link-repeat:"find her own children")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "MOON GIRL") (link-goto: "Knowing when to", "MOON PRINCESS") (link-goto: "hold on tight", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "and never let go.", "MOON FALLEN") ]], I wonder. Sometimes she seems ready to burst with child. Or is it then that I wake up, knowing her moon child has lost its way and found me? </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON MOTHER<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Old Moon, I need to tell you. You have twisted the ancient legends so far (link-repeat:"from the truth")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "Underlying truth") (link-goto: "knowing when", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "the truth will", "MOONBLOOD") (link-goto: "set you free", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") ]] that we can no longer recognize our creator. You, with your endlessly changing faces, your silvering but never aging body, are the mother to the fates. Virgin, mother, crone all spin their entrails and cut their threads from your template. I understand this. I see you so clearly, the full eye between clouds that change from laughing lights to burning dragons in a heart's moment. Now that I have divined (link-repeat:"your secret")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you write", "desire rises up") (link-goto: "your secrets in blood,", "moon closets") (link-goto: "expect them to", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "wash away.", "leaving only") ]], I can only ask once again, knowing this time you will hear me: Give her back. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>the looks<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: The looks always mean something like "I would never let my daughter out in that condition" (as if the autism or the bare feet or the tousled hair and torn, stained dress were catching). Or "Well, it is obvious she got what she deserved" (as if this could not happen to anyone decent, to anyone they know, or god forbid, to them.) Or, worse yet "We are (link-repeat:"throwing away")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "How easy is it", "attention") (link-goto: "to throw away a life?", "Time costs") ]] our scant resources on her?" This one is hard to answer. Yes, you don't have enough money. No, Laurel is a human being and deserves as much an education as your children. But as the looks are silent, so are my replies. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "back", "environments") (link-goto: "back", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno") (link-goto: "back", "Mama") (link-goto: "back", "Not working") (link-goto: "back", "being paranoid") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>OCD<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Insisting on (link-repeat:"rituals")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We have communicated", "practice") (link-goto: "in rituals from", "RITUALS") ]] or repetitive actions - a common sidekick to autism. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Not working") (link-goto: "back", "Flyer") (link-goto: "back", "Credits") (link-goto: "back", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "back", "Thursday coffees") (link-goto: "back", "Random mixup") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Broken wires<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Retreats Date: 12/22/96 24:26 Hello again. This is definitely one of those times when I hope that this message finds you in much better shape than it left me. Hope your holiday preparations are going well, festivities and joyous celebrations planned and executed with all deliberate joy and goodwill of the season. As for this home front, things are a bit warped. I think we will put off celebrating anything for a while, and wait until Laurel calms down a wee bit. Laurel has been moody all day (?) all week! all month! (link-repeat:"Winter break*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Winter break") ]] confuses Laurel - she has dressed herself, grabbed her books, and stood waiting for the bus every day this week. She will wait on the corner for as long as I let her and then pushes away as I lead her inside. Stomping her foot and shaking her whole body, she will retreat to a corner and mutter. I explained that this was Winter break, that it was temporary and she would be going back to school soon. Janet tried to play school with her, going over the workbooks and giving out starbursts for just being there. I dragged out the materials we had had so much luck with this summer and tried to get Laurel interested in putting the banana card over the banana, the walrus card over the stuffed walrus. None of this worked. Laurel just put her hands over her ears and hummed at us. Even the muppets have lost their appeal. This morning, I tried one more time to get her interested in (link-repeat:"her comm book")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What are invisible", "Into our own hands") (link-goto: "yet rule the world?", "Real words") (link-goto: "A. Words.", "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]]. I took out the paper and cut out icons (a Christmas tree and a (link-repeat:"pine wreath")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The most terrifying", "pine secrets") (link-goto: "things are those that", "papers") (link-goto: "surround us every day.", "doors") ]]) that I thought she might like. Something new, something different. This was, of course, a massive mistake. When I put the icons on the "This is what is going to happen now" page, Laurel freaked. Her eyes grew big, her mouth puckered in on itself, and she started to rock. Needless to say, we did not go out for a tree. Janet had already brought out the ornaments, and Laurel took each ornament and carefully smashed it against the window. I tried to stop her, holding her in my arms and pressing against her belly. She wriggled free and started her keening screaming. I tried to tie her down, but she struggled too hard for me to get a good grip and leave a hand free to restrain her. Janet grabbed the comm book and shoved it at Laurel. With her hand covered in (link-repeat:"blood and glass shards")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We use blood and glass", "Just another day") (link-goto: "to stitch our souls", "blood talks") (link-goto: "back together.", "PRAYERS UNANSWERED") ]], Laurel grabbed the comm book from my hands and started tearing it. Blood covered every bit of the pages. When she found she could not tear the fabric and velcro of the book itself, she pushed me aside, wrenched open my desk, and pulled out the scissors. Her hands were still full of glass shards, but she stabbed the book with the scissors until nothing was left but rags. Then she ran into her room and locked the door. I could still hear her wailing hours later, her hands still pounding on the door. I stayed on the other side of the door for those hours, slumped over. There was nothing else I could do. She came out about a half hour ago. The skin on her hands was shredded, and there were several long bruises on her arm. But the blood had dried. We took a shower together and I cleaned up as much of the wounds as I could. I thought about going in to the emergency room, but I don't think either of us can handle that at this point. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Not working") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Glimpses") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Winter break<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: The politically correct term for the Christmas holidays. Heaven forfend we should mention any (link-repeat:"religious mumbo-jumbo")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Once, merely living", "free her.") (link-goto: "through each day was", "PRAYERS UNANSWERED") (link-goto: "religion in itself", "LULLABY") ]] in connection with our schools, so we call it Winter break - as if it were winter itself we were trying to break. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Broken wires") (link-goto: "back", "Bible stack") (link-goto: "back", "OTHER list") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Glimpses<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/28/96 Subject: Walking a mile in the other guy's army boots Reading a really depressing book right now, which just about fits my mood. I've actually been reading it for the past month or so. When I can. I picked it up because of the title, Children with Emerald Eyes: Histories of Extraordinary Boys and Girls. I would like to think that Laurel is not alone, that the emerald green of her eyes means something to someone. Any way, before I get too awfully maudlin, I wanted to show you what I found on page 197. The author has spent the time up till now teaching autistic and developmentally disabled kids, and has just taken one, Danny, home for a month. Here is her report back: "Then I learned to have respect for the parents of such children. To live with these kids is at times beyond the (link-repeat:"realm of imagination")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There is something more", "if you understand") (link-goto: "terrible than dragons", "Slipping") (link-goto: "at the outer edges", "THE SOUL SELECTS") (link-goto: "of old maps.", "Doubletake") ]]. It is at times a test of human endurance. And at times a ripping of one's guts, a tearing of one's frazzled nerves. It was then that I learned, at least a tiny bit, what the parents of these children go through. It was then I learned what it means (link-repeat:"not to have a life")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "someone could make", "I") (link-goto: "a fortune renting", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "out old lives.", "Out on a limb") ]] of one's own. It was then that I learned some compassion for parents. It was then that I learned some humility. And for that I shall always be grateful to Danny and his parents." (page 197) See?? Someone understands at least a little. But only because she had to care for Danny (an autistic boy–or rather "a whirly fleeting thing that was a boy" (p. 158)). She had only a month of this never-ending-life-sucking mania, and she wrote that. Cool. Wonder what I would write if I could have time to write. Because I am such a nice person (and I may want to find this book again: it is a library book and I wouldn't mind it being on my shelf, hint, hint) here is the other info you might need: Mira Rothenberg, 1960, 1977 The Dial Press, New York. 1 Dag Hammerskold Plaza New York, NY 10017 </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Broken wires") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Herculean") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Herculean<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Unanswered Files Dateline: Too tired to care Towering in the sink are bowls and more bowls crusted with oatmeal, pea soup, spaghetti-o's. Papers for Laurel's IEP, her meds, her therapy litter the floor. Bills spill over from my desk onto old dog droppings Laurel brought in from somewhere. I would scream but then Laurel would join in and we would never stop. I cannot remember how Hercules cleaned the Aegean stables. I seem to recall something about a maiden crooning to him, singing while floods cleared the stench of a thousand years. He has a nice relaxing day, wakes up refreshed, and claims his reward. I want (link-repeat:"someone to croon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Where is", "Forget-me-nots") (link-goto: "Frank Sinatra", "He declines") (link-goto: "when you need him", "affair") ]] for me. I cannot croon for myself. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Glimpses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Ach du lieber") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Ach du lieber<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/25/96 Subject: Merry Christmas My mattress smells like dog barf. I want a double bed, with a frame, and bedding... (link-repeat:"Laurel's hand")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This has happened", "Broken wires") (link-goto: "more than once.", "glass") ]] is infected. I haven't had my hair done in over a year and it looks it. The world is a shitty place. And my kitchen is the epicenter of cruddiness. There are moldy spaghetti stains on the wallpaper. Really. I have an attitude problem. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up to something else. Waa. Poor me. : *< </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Herculean") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RITUALS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>RITUALS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> These are the tributes the moon requires. She bends the tides into her majestic dances, so slow and so large that she alone can fathom their complexity. She commands (link-repeat:"the blood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I will drain my heart", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "to the dregs for my child", "moon flesh") ]] in our bodies, figuring each corpuscle into its own quadrille. Fashioning our breath into her being, she shapes each action, requires each reaction. Thus are we powerless before her. Thus we go out as we came in. This is the terror in the necronomicons, this the hidden horror under the instructions to turn three times in the moonlight and say our Ave Marias and (link-repeat:"paternosters")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "do not leave us.", "Meaning what") (link-goto: "who art in heaven,", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "Our father,", "The father") ]] backwards. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>merely perceieves<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Perhaps he merely perceives that I will pay him. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "looked very hard.") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>THE MOST PRECIOUS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files Nothing would hold the words of the moon but the moon herself. She tore open her skin and dribbled her hands into her flesh. She drew the ink from (link-repeat:"her own blood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Blood is what carries", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "our souls.", "blood talks") ]], still heavy from giving birth to the entire universe. She made her pen from (link-repeat:"her own hair")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hair is what carries", "hair") (link-goto: "our thoughts down", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "to our souls.", "Doubletake") ]], long and silver strands that rested on the sea, billowing with the breath of the waves. The parchment she stretched from her (link-repeat:"own fair skin")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Skin is a thin", "moon skin") (link-goto: "boundary between", "moon flesh") (link-goto: "us and reality.", "so far") ]], sacrificing swaths of her thin covering, revealing the bone-white stones beneath. Thus she made ready to write. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IT MUST BE WRITTEN") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Hands on talking<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 7/16/96 22:19 Subject: Water in the desert LIke Helen, we wish to announce an epiphany. This has been an incredible summer, but once more, Houston, we have (link-repeat:"contact!")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. How do cabinets", "Into our own hands") (link-goto: "communicate?", "Real words") (link-goto: "A. With contact paper.", "Mama") ]] We have lift off! Lemme explain. Last night, I went to a Facilitated Communication Workshop put on by the Colorado Chapter of the Autism Society of America. When I got home, I told Laurel I'd found a great way for us to communicate. I would learn to help her and we'd be able to talk to each other. She could ask me questions and tell me what she wanted. She immediately began to make more direct eye contact, smile, and respond to my voice. She hummed loudly and began to rock with my hand. I got her desk and chair and put a photocopy of an IntelliType keyboard in front of her. I said, (text-colour:navy)["Come here and sit down."] And she came right over and sat by me, her hand searching for mine again. I asked her to find (text-colour:navy)["A,"] holding my right hand over hers to isolate her index finger. Laurel pushed the power button several times, but I told her it was just a (link-repeat:"paper copy")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What paths do", "papers") (link-goto: "bookworms leave? ", "letters come") (link-goto: "A. Paper trails.", "shut downs") ]] and if this worked we would get a real one. I said again, (text-colour:navy)["Find A."] Her finger hovered gently over the left of the center row (where A would be on a computer keyboard). Janet was hovering too, wanting to get in on this new type of game. (text-colour:red)["You're so slow Laurel,"] she said and grabbed Laurel's hand, dragging it over to the (text-colour:red)["A."] After a short break, I asked Laurel to spell her name. She pushed "L." I praised her and put an orange starburst on the keyboard by L. She typed (text-colour:green)["LA" "LA" "LA"] and vocalized (text-colour:green)["LO, LO, LO"] (which when you say the first sylable of her name makes a certain amount of sense. I wonder what she makes of phonics!). Then, wonder of wonders, she smiled and looked at me. I said, (text-colour:navy)["Okay, now 'U.'"] and she pressed "UR" and said, "LOR." After about a minute, she pressed "LLLLLLLLLLL" and sang, quite clearly, "Peanut, peanut butter." She pushed back the desk and ran over to the refrigerator. She said, "wa, wah," and then said "peh, peh." I got out the Pepsi, but she really wanted a grape popsicle. She flopped on the couch as if exhausted, and Janet went to croon over her. But Laurel kept returning to the desk and her paper. She pressed "L" and several other letters. I facilitated. She left after a few minutes and I did not pursue it. Before bed that evening, Laurel had (link-repeat:"said more")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why is what you", "Can't say 1") (link-goto: "say more important than", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "what you mean?", "pre-verbal") ]] than she had said all summer: "dog," "I want," "shower," and even "good." (she had never before attempted "good" needless to say, I was thrilled). She made unusually direct and frequent eye contact and appeared happy and excited. She even "ahhhed" along when Janet sang "Somewhere Out There" at bedtime. A good night was had by all. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For richer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Real words") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>When you knew<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/8/96 23:17 Subject: When did you know? Somebody on the autism list asked the subject question. One mother remembered thinking, "If I just love her more, she'll love me back." Here's a copy of my answer. Laurel was born in June 1987, a couple of months after Psychology Today had this big anniversary issue covering the life cycle. It stated that a baby only a few days old would imitate facial expressions. So when I brought Laurel home from the hospital, I made faces at her. She'd smile and giggle but never made any attempt to imitate me. I thought this was odd. I mentioned it to a doctor, who sarcastically said, "Well, I would believe everything you read in Psychology Today." Laurel was so terrified of the blow dryer and vacuum cleaner noises that I didn't use them at all; I put thrift store sheets down on the floor, gathered and washed them when they got dirty. She could work the VCR and stereo independently since she was able to crawl. She didn't like the music I selected (Beethoven, classic rock) but kept tuning in a country station which I hate! At one year, Laurel was playing peek-a-boo with everything like she invented the game. She never spoke, but she would stay up for hourse in the night, playing (link-repeat:"peek-a-boo with the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I knew before this.", "peanut butter") (link-goto: "I think I knew", "MOON MADNESS") (link-goto: "before I was born.", "say nothing") ]]. But she didn't reach to be picked up, (link-repeat:"speak*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "pre-verbal") ]] any words clearly, point or wave, and she had no discernible word for "(link-repeat:"mama.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When Laurel speaks,", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "the wind steals her voice", "Flyer") (link-goto: "I'm never sure I hear her", "Mama") ]]" I remember commenting to someone that babies were said to be loving, but really, at that age, they just saw parents as tools to deliver food and warmth and entertainment. Children just develop at different rates, my pediatrician said. At seven months, Laurel was riding on my shoulders and accidentally scratched my eye. Tthe opthalmologist flipped a console switch that lit up a toy monkey in the corner. This was supposed to keep her occupied and quiet while he looked at my eye. The monkey chittered and banged cymbals. Laurel didn't look. The doctor switched the monkey off and on again. Laurel looked at the switch. The doctor did not say anything, but I could hear him thinking that something was not right with this child. Laurel was "(link-repeat:"kicked out")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Does Laurel know", "The storm") (link-goto: "she failed at", "leave her again") (link-goto: "the earliest age possible", "regular classroom") ]] of day care" when she was 26 months old. One day, she simply started screaming. And didn't stop screaming for about two years. We went to Dr. Jacobsen, who at first put it down to colic, then said it couldn't be that bad. Then he sent me to a psychiatrist, Dr. Graybill, who convinced me to put Laurel away for a week at Oak Ridge Institute, just to get "Mom's" head in the right space. Obviously, the problem was a faulty mother/child bonding and (link-repeat:"going away")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the difference", "Not working") (link-goto: "between jeans and sleep?", "Bruno") (link-goto: "A. Levi is in our jeans ", "I knew") (link-goto: "and leaving is only", "leave her again") (link-goto: "in our dreams.", "Leaving") ]] would simply fix the problem. I was so desperate for anything that I did this. I came back nine days later to a silent stranger. And I walked out of there with her in my arms. Surely anything I did was better than sucking the soul out of her. This was a disaster. But seeing Laurel crushed that way gave me the strength to stand the noise. We got used to it and called it normal. I could not get a job, nor leave the house. I got back together with Laurel's father, and things were semi-ok for about two days. About nine months later, Laurel's sister Janet was born. Not only did Laurel keep on screaming, but she refused to change any of her ways. Laurel simply didn't recognize Janet in any way, shape, or form. I mean, Janet might as well have been a shoe. She didn't step on her, but neither did she acknowledge the baby in any way. (text-colour:red)["Sibling rivalry, of course,"] my friends said. (text-colour:navy)["Yeah, just like (link-repeat:"marrige is necrophilia")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why do people laugh", "Before the storm") (link-goto: "in taverns?", "Escaping the storm") (link-goto: "A. It's an inn joke.", "any place") ]],"] I said. They didn't get the joke. If there was one. I took Laurel to pediatricians, audiologists, neurologists, psychologists, etc. The audiologist said that results were inconclusive. Three pediatricians said, Wait and see. The neurologist said it was a worried mother syndrom and suggested I see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists ranged from schizophrenic to severly retarded (and their diagnoses went with them)--Badump. Ching. I arranged for Laurel to be in an extraordinary day care led by the wife of the principal of the demonstration school (the public school that tries out new curriculum and teaching techniques). Laurel simply didn't see the adults or other kids. She might hold onto someone as she maneuvered the step into the back yard, but it was as if they were objects and not people. While the other children colored or listened to stories, Laurel played with the dishwasher and the vertical blinds. When I came to pick her up, she never heard me. I would call for her at the door and continue calling for her as I walked through the house, until I was standing right next to her. Eventually, she would look up, and her face would fill with joy. Yet at home, she would come running in from the bedroom when the opening music of her favorite video played ever so softly. And when I hummed to her, she'd match my tone. I took her to an audiologist. She was diagnosed, "not deaf." Wait and see. I took her to a pediatric neurologist. Laurel was again diagnosed "not deaf. Does not play appropriately with toys." But I couldn't find work and the divorce played havoc with our finances. When Laurel was three and a half, I made an appointment with the Children's Hospital's speech and language lab for evaluation. My Dad said, "Fine, do it your way," rolled his eyes. This is my (link-repeat:"Dad's way of saying")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Meaning what") (link-goto: "Father.", "prepaid") (link-goto: "Father who?", "painted") (link-goto: "The more you know", "Patriarchy") (link-goto: "the father you go.", "Take me for a ride") ]] that whatever I am doing is idiotic and any fool can see that. So I said, "No. If you've got something to say to me, say it." He told me that Laurel was not just delayed in speech; the way she related to people, the way she played, even the way she looked at things were different. I called Children's Hospital and asked for a more complete evaluation. After two weeks of testing (optical, audio, OT, PT, SLP, psych workups, genetics, fragile X, blood, urine, I don't know what all), Dr. (link-repeat:"Mollie O'Malley")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Mama") ]] (doesn't that sound like a Dr. Seuss character?) sat across a table from me and, with eyes moist with concern, somber face and halting voice said, "Did you ever think it might be. . . autism?" I was in shock. Dr. Malley recommended I see Dr. Kathleen Frawley for a second opinion. So a few days later, we went to see Dr. Frawley. Laurel didn't want to draw dots and circles. She wanted the necklace on Kathleen's neck, and she grabbed for them nearly choking the good doctor. Kathleen silently handed over the string of bright yellow beads, and Laurel lowered them slowly up and down, just at the edge of her vision. Kathleen said, "Yep, she's autistic." And she might as well have been saying, "She's two" or "She has brown eyes." And that quickly, I realized that autism was just a word; it meant what I believed it meant. Life-consuming tragedy or just another trait and Laurel was still the same sweet, beautiful little girl she was before I'd ever heard that word. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For richer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Mama") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>delete keys<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Whatever did people do before computers made it possible to erase all of (link-repeat:"our mistakes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do computers", "I could never") (link-goto: "eat for dinner?", "desire rises up") (link-goto: "A. Mis-steaks.", "So he knows") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Bruno deconstructed") ]]? </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Real words") (link-goto: "back", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "back", "MOON MADNESS") (link-goto: "back", "Helpfulness") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Real words<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 7/31/96 24:39 Subject: Manna on the ground Chris and I have been working nonstop with Laurel--almost around the clock. Like a chimerical butterfly, she goes from comm book to facilitated typing sessions to workbook to calm walks to the gas station. This has been the most (link-repeat:"fantastic summer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do unicorns,", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "griffins, and depression", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "have in common?", "Merging") (link-goto: "A. They are all", "Bake sale") (link-goto: "mythical beasts.", "god's eyes") ]] I have ever had. I got the Intellitype facilitated communication keyboard and program and hooked it into my Mac, and we have been using it every day. At first, Laurel was upset when she made a mistake (either in typing or capping or spacing. Everything had to be perfect, and if she hit the wrong key, then she would howl and keen and rush off to bang her head against the refrigerator. We never got an entire word out. Finally, today, Chris played facilitated typing with Janet, and Janet (having been coached very carefully ahead of time) made several mistakes. Each time Janet made a mistake, she said "ok, hit delete, hit delete" and would make a BIG deal of going over to the (link-repeat:"delete*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "delete keys") ]] key, with Chris' hand supporting her finger. Laurel watched this from the kitchen out of the corner of her eye, wary of these people who were in her space, taking up her talking board. Then she rocked very carefully and deliberately, holding Chris' hand and pressing nonexistent keys on the refrigerator. After Chris got her a grape popsicle, Laurel put the popsicle on top of the monitor and grabbed Chris' hand. They started to type. I didn't even dare to rescue the monitor from sure stickiness. Laurel typed in "i" then hit the delete key and held down the cap lock for "I" then released the cap lock and typed in "lov3e". Went back and erased the "3" and the "e," made it "love" and went on for the "you." When she had this, she tried to take up the grape popsicle (but this had melted into the computer long before). She howled. I gave her a new popsicle, and she touched the back of my hand, blowing into my face. Chris stood back and watched. The tears in all our faces were just (link-repeat:"too much to bear")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is what gives us", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "strength when we have", "Before the child") (link-goto: "nothing left.", "LISTEN") ]]. So we put the swing icon on the "This is what is going to happen now" page in Laurel's comm book and went out into the sunshine. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Hands on talking") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "School success!") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Bible stack<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Not literally, of course. These (link-repeat:"haven't been allowed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Political correctness", "Winter break") (link-goto: "reigns supreme.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]] in the classroom for at least 20 years. And they would have been offended, anyway. But she did swear. And nice words, too. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "School success!") (link-goto: "back", "OTHER list") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>School success!<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 8/4/96 22: 28 Subject: Validation/Valid-diction. Hey gang. We had Laurel's first (link-repeat:"IEP")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "IEPs are a lot like", "Isn't that special?") (link-goto: "Indian treaties--each", "Profession") (link-goto: "means something", "Consultants") (link-goto: "completely different.", "On an orphan train") ]] (Individualized Education Plan) meeting of the year. Nope, they haven't actually hired the teachers, yet, but they are playing telephone tag as we speak. Nope, they don't actually have a room yet, but we may be able to convert one of the storage closets on the lower level. I asked them for something better. They said they'd try. I'm gonna look into a trailer and a space heater. Not that anyone should confuse the two. Yet, for the first time in a long time, I came away from an IEP meeting higher than a kite! No, they didn't snort anything there, you silly people with your so-eager-to-corrupt-little-minds. (Although, as a total aside, they really should. . these meetings are worse than a incompetent phlebotomist digging inside your vein, barely missing your soul, and all the while asking, well, MOM, have you stopped irrevokably harming your child yet?) And then they wonder why we get so annoyed sometimes. Anyway, I am soaring high because they actually crawled out of their (link-repeat:"tiny comfy mind shells")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the clearest", "show and tell") (link-goto: "kind of shell?", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "A. A see-shell.", "Advocrazy") ]] and did something right for once! Anyway, the good news is (And there actualy is a lot of good news at least as far as I am concerned, thrilling news, and I should probably let you have it without all this build up, but I like the theatrics...) DRUM ROLL PLEASE We actually convinced them to do facilitated typing. On my rusty old MacClassic. Isn't this incredible? To actually convince a school professional to try something a little new? We must be doing something right in their eyes. I gave them the whole background, carefully explaining the theories behind what (link-repeat:"Chris")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Little miracles") ]] and I have been doing this summer. Our nonstop work has paid off in spades. and trowels. and flowers. The comm book is almost, but not quite, the natural order of things. (I will make a comm book for the school so we can both have one Hooray for consistency!) We've been stimming (repeating Laurel's spinning, or head nodding) along with Laurel just to provide a safe atmosphere. (They will not be doing this as it reinforces negative socializaton behavior patterns. Hooray for inconsistency!) Then we told them about the facilitated typing we started. We have progressed rapidly from "yes" to "I wanna Pepsi" and now onto some truly interesting stuff. Laurel almost says "I wanna" and then types. Then she says "Stop" and ends. Almost always on a period. With incredible grammar. And very few typing errors usually just hitting a key next to the one she wanted. She will go back and hit the delete key, and retype she seems to be fastidious about this. I showed the school her latest one today. They were convinced I'd done it. And were wondering about my medication. But Chris swore on a stack of (link-repeat:"Bible*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Bible stack") ]] that this really did work. We showed the old ones to demonstrate Laurel's typing progress. They said no one could learn that fast. So I said, (text-colour:navy)["OK. Why don't we do the exercise just because it is something she likes to do and one of the few things she'll sit still for for 20 minutes at a time? We can call it a reading readiness exercise or something."] They said, (link-repeat:"ok*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "ok") ]]. Hooray for peace and quiet! So they wrote up their own rationale. Which is just fine with me. Hey, whatever works, works. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Real words") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Little miracles") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Laurel is still staring quietly into the moonstone she hides from me at night under her pillow. I look at her. She looks through me. In my daughter's world, I think light transfigures everything. There she sees into the (link-repeat:"dust of dustmotes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I once knew dust was", "Underlying truth") (link-goto: "made from moonlight.", "dust") ]], into the atoms of atoms. For her, light is made flesh and dances in a thousand intricate (link-repeat:"prisms")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where do you", "moon cd") (link-goto: "keep bad lights?", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "A. In prisms.", "GLASS ENDINGS") ]] through the air. This is (link-repeat:"what is left")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is left when", "moon cd") (link-goto: "you turn out the light?", "alone.") (link-goto: "A. The dark.", "NO TURNING BACK") ]] after the moon's light slips off the horizon. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOST PRECIOUS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Little miracles<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/18/96 19:45 Subject: The names are longer than the message Hello dear friends! I am tempted to fill up this post with nothings so that the message is at least longer than the "To" field. But I will let it stand for itself: Yesterday, Laurel tied her shoes (link-repeat:"all by herself")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. How do centipedes", "Credits") (link-goto: "tie their shoes?", "MOON BLESSINGS") (link-goto: "A. Very carefully.", "Memories") ]]. Best of miracles to you and yours. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "School success!") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>pre-verbal<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Laurel is a preverbal child. We say pre-verbal in the hopes that there will be a verbal component sometime, that the (link-repeat:"shipment of speech")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What has a tounge", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "but cannot speak?", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "A. A shoe", "snowvoice") ]] has simply been delayed.] </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "When you knew") (link-goto: "back", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "back", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "back", "she can't talk") (link-goto: "back", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "back", "Yanking") (link-goto: "back", "Directions") (link-goto: "back", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "back", "had left her") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "The final shot") (link-goto: "back", "ADD") (link-goto: "back", "Directions") (link-goto: "back", "MOON GIRL") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Mama<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/16/96 22:19 Subject: Another thing I just thought of I think I've told you this one before. But I hold it to my face like the beloved edge of a soft blanket, worn thin with companionship. My dad, who doesn't talk much (he prides himself on being "stoic"), suggested that Laurel's behavior problems (like her grandmother and probably mother) are largely due to her being spoiled. He thinks I let (link-repeat:"Laurel get away")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "No-Guilt itarianism:", "Take me for a ride") (link-goto: "When you die, yout soul", "Death wish") (link-goto: "gets to eat as much candy", "As the Grocery turns") (link-goto: "and junk food as it wants", "Crypt") ]] with more than I would an ordinary kid, because she's disabled. The fact of the matter is that decades of research have shown that paying attention to undesirable behaviors reinforces them. Punishment may seem like the reasonable thing to do, but really, it just makes the behaviors more durable, and increases the child's tolerance of punishment. Especially in a case where the child simply has no other way of expressing needs, punishing bad behaviors quickly erodes the child's self-esteem (The child sees it as, "You have no right to protect yourself. You have no right to express yourself.") which leads to a host of other problems, such as mistrust, SIBs (self-injurious behaviors), low frustration tolerance, and unwillingness to try new things. I can point you to Lovaas or Durand or any number of other respected scientists to back that up. So it's not like I haven't done my homework. OTOH, I can hardly say that I'm doing an acceptable job, in light of her (link-repeat:"continued behavior problems")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Then again, no one else", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "seems to know how to", "Consultants") (link-goto: "cope, either.", "Out of options") ]], so I can't afford to dismiss anybody's suggestions out of hand. And besides, he's my dad; any criticism from him makes me feel like a stupid six year old playing at grown-up. (Which makes sense, because (link-repeat:"when they divorced")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Looking back, I", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "think I did rather well", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "as a grown-up.", "The final shot") ]] when I was six, he said to me, "So now you're the grown up in the family. Behave like one!") So, we're over at Dad's house a couple of years ago, and Laurel thwumps Janet over the head with her fist. I can't remember now just why. And Dad gives me (link-repeat:"this wordless look")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "When you knew") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "Loki.", "Before the child") (link-goto: "Loki who?", "Bruno") (link-goto: "Loki, Loki, I spy on you!", "the looks") ]] that translates in my manual to, "I'm not going to get involved, but you're handling this all wrong." I firmly order Laurel to sit down on the sofa. I make sure Janet is OK, then head over to give Laurel a talking to. She looks into my grim face and says, "Mama." I gather her into my arms and say, "Yes. Mama." and rock her. Dad says, "Got out of that one." With fire in my heart, I say, "Damn right. I've been seven years to hear that and I deserve it!" </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "When you knew") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Rain included") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Rain included<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/18/96 24:38 Subject: Special stuff Laurel came up to me today as I sat on the couch in the (link-repeat:"loving room*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "loving room") ]]. She gently, slowly touched her finger to the back of my neck, tracing (link-repeat:"the edges of my hair")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Her hand in my hair", "Not working") (link-goto: "is as real now", "Beyond anything") (link-goto: "as it ever was.", "Or if it did.") ]]. I didn't move. I didn't even breathe for fear I'd break the spell. And just like the chipmunk who steals up beside you for those half-forgotten M&M's you left, she ran once she'd grasped her treat fully. Do you remember in Rainman, when Charlie (Tom Cruise) tries to hug Raymond (Dustin Hoffman) and Raymond screams as though in pain? And Charlie near-sobs, "I just wanted to hug you. Just a little hug" or words to that effect? Later, Raymond touches his forehead to Charlie's, not even looking him in the eye, and strokes him awkwardly, more like he's wiping his effect away? And almost at the end, Raymond touches his forehead to Charlie's, not even looking him in the eye, and strokes him awkwardly, more like he's wiping his hands, and it's so incredibly touching. Even the most tacit acknowledgment that someone else exists represents a great vulnerability for these people. It means, "My world includes you. If something happens to you, my world will be broken." They are (link-repeat:"excruciatingly fragile")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why do kids break", "alone.") (link-goto: "easily? A. Because kids", "Random mixup") (link-goto: "have an i in them", "moon breaks") ]]. I keep thinking about that critique of Stone Moons, saying that you never see the affection between mother and child. It's true. Maybe the inability to express the love makes it that much more fierce. I have conversations with (link-repeat:"Laurel in my mind")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Once laurel typed to me", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "thoughts. you know", "say nothing") ]], and do things with her in my fantasies that we cannot do in "real life." I bet she has similar fantasies. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Mama") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profoundly simple") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Profoundly simple<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: dlarsen@acm.org, jtempleton@scruz.net, clarsa@aol.com From: Sarah Date: 9/23/96 19:45 Subject: Reaction to critiques of Stone Moon Been thinking about that critique you forwarded to me from your class you took this summer. (Ye zooks! Call out the cops, the woman actually has time to think!) Anyway, the bit about how can the mother love that child really bothered me. "How will you show the love," the guy asked. I dunno. How does anyone show it? I think my tender, intimate moments with Laurel are not (link-repeat:"dramatic*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "dramatical") ]]. They are the quiet minutes or hours on a Sunday morning when we have nothing to do but lie in bed, snuggling, tickling and (link-repeat:"zorfing**")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "zorfs") ]]. Nothing "important" happens. The intimacy of a relationship with an autistic person is a profoundly private thing. Last night, Laurel stayed up late (until 10:30 at night.) She sat next to me on the couch as we watched The Muppet Christmas Show. Next to me. Not three inches away from the tv screen, staring slantwise. Her fingers were only two inches from me. Laurel got up at 6:30 the next morning (about an hour to an hour and a half early). She scooted up next to me on the bed and leaned her head on my shoulder. Nothing more. How will you put these practical demonstrations of love into your book? How do you define those three enigmatic words, ''(link-repeat:"I love you?")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These are the words", "Mama") (link-goto: "that Humpty Dumpty", "You mean") (link-goto: "must pay the most", "He means") (link-goto: "they mean too many", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "things under too", "PRO RE NATA") (link-goto: "many circumstances.", "Pro re nata, def.") ]]'' They are defiantly simple. The intensity of emotion is in what is not displayed and in their brevity. How can you put a loving into a book when it is (link-repeat:"antipathetical to word")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The important words", "pre-verbal") (link-goto: "are the ones that", "books") (link-goto: "cannot be said.", "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]]s? Nyah, nyah. That's your problem. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Rain included") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "On second thought") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>On second thought<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/26/97 23:09 Subject: Run for your lives, she's thinking again. Actually, on second thought, maybe love is a (link-repeat:"dramatical*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "dramatical") ]] kinda thing. Even the (link-repeat:"wisps of her touch")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I will feel these wisps", "pine secrets") (link-goto: "when I am dead", "The air") (link-goto: "and can feel nothing else", "again only") ]] behind your back, the nights you wake up and see her hanging on the bookshelf by your bed just staring at you are worthy of a trot upon the boards. You don't stage moments like that. No one whispers any prompt. There are no scripts, no words to follow. But I whisper the words anyway. Well, I mean to whisper. But I shout them so they will pierce the ceiling and find the sky: (link-repeat:"I LOVE YOU LAUREL")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love understands", "Real words") (link-goto: "no matter what", "Mama") ]]. I LOVE YOU (link-repeat:"JANET")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Special") ]]. Of course, Janet shouts back. (link-repeat:"I LOVE YOU MOMMY")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Does love mean more", "understands this") (link-goto: "when it can be", "Meaning what") (link-goto: "expressed in words", "Escapes vetoed") (link-goto: "we both understand", "Janet's magazine") ]]. And this is good. We run slow-mo to each other--she from the back yard and I from the porch, and hug. And giggle in the grass. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profoundly simple") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Special") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>dramatical<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: And what is love if it isn't hurling yourself onto an eighty-pound terror, trying to keep her from hurtling into the (link-repeat:"Yale and Monaco")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Whhat has more strength", "Disconnecting") (link-goto: "than a desperate mother?", "Special") (link-goto: "A. Nothing.", "Rescue party") ]] intersection? This, I think ranks up there with the (link-repeat:"heroic")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We are the two", "Cast of characters") (link-goto: "locked in one.", "DOUBLED") ]] love of Demeter, searching the world over twice for her daughter, and plunging into hell when she had to. I do these things because I want my daughter. As she is, as she has been, and as she will be, whatever. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "For richer") (link-goto: "back", "On second thought") (link-goto: "back", "ALL I REALLY WANT") (link-goto: "back", "Laughing meds") (link-goto: "back", "HARM") (link-goto: "back", "uneventful") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Rain included") (link-goto: "back", "Profoundly simple") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>uneventful<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: You know you're in a "special" family when you describe a Sunday walk which (link-repeat:"involved a police officer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It's a good thing", "Special") (link-goto: "911 doesn't charge", "Normalcy") (link-goto: "by the hour.", "Rescue party") ]] officer pulling over to help stop your daughter from crawling into a busy street and get her back on the sidewalk as "uneventful." </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Special") (link-goto: "back", "Laughing meds") (link-goto: "back", "They say") (link-goto: "back", "Sandwiches") (link-goto: "back", "HARM") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Special<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/29/96 23:19 Subject: Life's little regards Let me tell you about another (link-repeat:"uneventful*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "uneventful") ]] Sunday--just to give you guys the perspective. I suppose you don't want to hear Laurel ran out into Colorado Boulevard again. But she did it anyway, with so little regard for your kind ears...or mine, for that matter ;) . Now, now, before panicking... I'll just commence a tellin' it, k? About 7 o'clock this morning, I feel a tug on my hand. Laurel had her (link-repeat:"comm book")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The more we rely on", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "something, the weaker", "Life in Laurel's lane") (link-goto: "it becomes.", "Broken wires") ]] out, and put a candy bar and a swing in the "This is what is going to happen now" page. So she waited patiently as Janet and I got dressed and found the wallet, shoes (one tennis shoe, one high heel), dog leash, and car keys. Properly equipped, we walked to the playground. Janet and I played ring around the rosy by ourselves as there was no one else around on that frosty morning. Laurel swung happily for about 15 minutes, and even looked at me, playing peek-a-boo under her legs. I laughed. She hummed, grabbed my hand, and we were off again. The gas station was open and Laurel led the procession inside. She got her package of (link-repeat:"Starbursts")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Starburstarianism:", "Just another day") (link-goto: "When you eat one, your", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "mouth understands where", "Life in Laurel's lane") (link-goto: "your soul cam from.", "Cop-sickles") ]] with "her" money from her own fanny pack. This time, she actually pulled the money out of the pack before handing the whole thing over to the clerk. A very large incremental improvement! He laughed. I laughed again. Laurel hummed. Grabbed my hand and before you know it, she was struggling out into the intersection. I ran after her, grabbed her by the middle, and pulled. She strained her entire 80 pounds against me, writhing from my grasp. I told Janet to go get help, and Janet went back into the gas station. I turned Laurel so she was on the sidewalk and I was on the street. (I just did this, I didn't think before or after, but it is nice to know maternal instincts still just kick in and adapt to modern technology.) Anyway, a cop came by (summoned by the trusty gas attendant) and saw immediately what was going on. I yelled at him to help (link-repeat:"save my daughter")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Am I strong enough", "No harm done") (link-goto: "to be a hero", "HARM") (link-goto: "in my own mythology?", "Death wish") ]] from going in the street. He came over and stopped traffic with one hand while pushing Laurel with the other. With one terrific heave, Laurel ran out of our grasps and into the front seat of the cop car. Buckled herself in. Gave her whole fanny pack to the officer. He offered us a ride, and I gathered up Janet from the gas station and climbed in back. Hey, I didn't even lose one hair on the top of my tinny tin head! We did good. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "On second thought") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LULLABY") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>LULLABY<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Laurel From: Sarah Re: Hush a bye baby Date: Forever Starlight, moonlight Midnight soulflight Beltane, spring rain Magickal rite Mother, daughter (link-repeat:"Grow in my soul ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The goddess of growing", "Surgery aftermath") (link-goto: "things has", "a cyst") (link-goto: "two faces.", "more interesting") ]] Sister, (link-repeat:"Love")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]r, Woman made whole Hear now; chanting Beating of drums Longing vigil Thy life light comes Earth wakes, ripens Calls to the sun Joins her gently New life begun Weaving, dancing Joining of two The moon and my soul Something made new Vigil keepers Claim thy own soon (link-repeat:"Share the gift of")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon's gifts are", "MOON GIRL") (link-goto: "as inconstant as", "MOON SHINE") (link-goto: "her face.", "MOON FALLEN") ]] The Lady your moon Seed grows, time shows Cycle maintained New life bearer I am ordained I am Goddess Priestess and Earth Promise ripening (link-repeat:"Awaiting thy birth")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Touching your life", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "in my body.", "Before the child") ]] Mother, daughter Grow in my soul Sister, Lover Woman made whole (link-repeat:"(Clarsa McElhaney*)")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Acknowledgements") ]] </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOST PRECIOUS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>You meet<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall Semester 1985 You meet in Farrand Hall at the University of Colorado. You are down in the basement commons room watching Star Trek reruns because everyone in Libby Hall, where you live, insists on watching Three's Company. He comes in too, shy, tall, blond hair with just a hint of a down moustache. Acne on his forehead, but combed over with lanks of extra hair. At first, you just talk about the show. Share tidbits. Encourage each other to GET A LIFE PEOPLE, just like William Shatner has one. Right. This talk of course, segues. He's premed, majoring in chemistry with a minor in linguistics because they like that human interest stuff. You compare Chomsky to acid, stumble over fricatives, and then leave the subject entirely. He knows nothing about early preCambrian history, which you tease is your major. But it isn't really. Just English. And so you talk a bit about Adrienne Rich and skiing, (link-repeat:"Borges")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Like him, you have no", "BORGES") (link-goto: "idea who you are,", "any place") ]] and hang gliding, Emily Dickinson and dorm food. These conversations take longer than the shows. So you go out for midnight coffees at Penny Lane in his beat up Ford station wagon ((text-colour:red)["My mother's,"] he says. You nod.). Listen to bad poetry and beatniks droning on about something you cannot possibly fathom or want to. This turns to other things, and later you find yourself in his dorm room, learning his (link-repeat:"roommate's schedule")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You both understand the", "You mean") (link-goto: "rules without the words.", "He declines") ]], fingering the (link-repeat:"glass")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You know he feels", "Chicago") (link-goto: "the edges of the", "glass") (link-goto: "shatters, too.", "GLASS ENDINGS") ]] prisms he has strung up across the whole of the window, trying to impress him. But the prisms are genuine lead Austrian glass, and both of you can see right through them. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Somehow") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He leaves") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>After the test<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: December 1986 (link-repeat:"It's definite")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is the kind of panic", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "that settles in the core", "I") (link-goto: "of your being--and stays.", "Before the child") ]]. You wait until your (link-repeat:"Thursday coffee*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Thursday coffees") ]] to tell him. The coffee cups at the Almond Cafe are impossibly thick. You hold your cup, waiting for the warmth to penetrate. It doesn't. You tap the waitress, who is tugging at her lanky long brown braids, and signal for more coffee. You wait, staring at the posters on the newly painted walls, the free mags on the thick window shelf. You stare, (link-repeat:"any place*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "any place") ]] but him. He asks you what is wrong. You tell him. He stares out the window. You want to stroke his hair, shining in the sunlight, but you keep your hands busy playing with the sugar packets, tapping the sweet grains to the bottom of the paper. You wonder if they would understand your voice. You begin to babble a bit. You say things like "I always said that although I think anyone should be able to get an abortion, I could never tear out my own flesh like that. Even though it isn't my flesh really, it is me, it is inside me. And it is mine." Neither of you is listening. He says things like: "Christ, goddamnit. I have 2 more years of med school. Plus residency. There is (link-repeat:"no way")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Happy is the man who", "Job description") (link-goto: "knows his limitations", "LIFE FEAR") (link-goto: "for he will never have", "come to think") (link-goto: "to exceed them.", "Beyond anything") ]] I could take care of a child. Or you. Look at you. You're nothing but a child. And put that straw down." You have never seen his brow furl this way. You want to tell him you need a straw because the coffee is too hot this time. But you say nothing. After all, you think, there is really nothing you can say. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Somehow") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the knowing") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOONBLOOD<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> <div class="CP"></div> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files It seems the stories I've been collecting are no more than (link-repeat:"shattered, misinterpreted fragments")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why did Humpty", "glass") (link-goto: "Dumpty fall down?", "BLOOD DROPS") (link-goto: "A. He couldn't keep", "GLASS ENDINGS") (link-goto: "a solid grip", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "on himself.", "Hieronymo") ]] of the truth. I have known this all along. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="PO"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ARKENSTONES") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Vanity<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: dlarsen@webcom.com, clarsa@aol.com, jtempleton@netcruz.com From: Sarah Date: 7/9/97 19:20 Re: How do I look? And a vain part of me asks, when you write about me, what will you say? She was a strong, sturdy mother who could lift 110 pounds in a pinch? That I would stay up all hours clipping pictures from (link-repeat:"grocery shopping")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where do monsters shop?", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "A. At a gross-are-we.", "Putting stuff away") ]] ads to try to teach my daughter to point to "chicken" or "potato chips," but rarely took the time to wash my (link-repeat:"hair")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knoc.", "Violence") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "FLOOD OF WORDS") (link-goto: "Hair.", "Just another day") (link-goto: "Hair who?", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "Hair you insane yet?", "Electronic madness") ]]? Who is this person I have become? And who will play me in the movie? ;) I used to be Pia Zadora. I was planning to be Sigourney Weaver when I grew up. Unlike Kevin Bacon, now I'll never dance the night away. Now I'm Roseanne. On good days. Sometimes I'm Al Pacino. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Somehow") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Forget-me-nots") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>any place<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: You want to be any place but him. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "You meet") (link-goto: "back", "After the test") (link-goto: "back", "When you knew") (link-goto: "back", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>After the knowing<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: January 1987 You end up getting married anyway. This is what you decide before you leave the table, ending the discussion. It's the best choice and you won't back out. You stare at the counter. He pockets the bill. As she clears the table and takes your now cold coffee, the waitress swings her lanky braids and says congratulations. You are not sure if she is telling you congratulations for convincing him that this is the right step, that you will be a great wife, that he needs this marriage as much as you do. You do not know how much of the conversation she has heard. Maybe she is telling him congratulations for not dying, for not killing you. You can not tell how well she knows him. You speak with your father. He tells you that this is exactly what (link-repeat:"he expected")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You have never lived", "Before the child") (link-goto: "up to his expectations", "painted") (link-goto: "before now, so why try", "prepaid") (link-goto: "at this late date?", "Dead parakeets") ]] from you. The finances are arranged. You'll keep your job, just take a few months maternity leave. Your father has a new partner in a real estate venture. Your father will find the house. A wedding present. Without rent, you two can probably make it through the rest of his residency, and then things will work out just fine. He does not tell you about his family. Not even if any will come to the wedding. Your sister Kelly embroiders two samplers: one with the wedding date and a blank one for the child. She puts the moon and stars on the one for the child. "Your favorite," she says. She puts a (link-repeat:"yellow rose*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Yellow roses") ]] on the wedding one. "It looks cheery," she says. "Hopeful." You do not tell her what the old books say (link-repeat:"this means*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Her meneutics is the", "Book of Thoth") (link-goto: "most dangerous of all", "MOONBLOOD") (link-goto: "the sciences.", "HYSTERICS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the test") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Before the child") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>disuse<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Something like this happens to every New York cabbie--or broken down cowboy. Dis here town (link-repeat:"ain't big enough*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "come to think") ]] for the both of us. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Forget-me-nots") (link-goto: "back", "MOON CYCLES") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>He leaves<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall and Spring Semesters 1986 He graduates a semester before you do, settling down at CU Med school. He rooms with four other med students in a tiny house on Capitol Hill. You cringe when you have to walk up the broken cement steps, and just look at the (link-repeat:"brown grass, never cut, never watered")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You will get everything", "Out on a limb") (link-goto: "you despise.", "Ach du lieber") ]], a broken tooth in this neat, trim neighborhood. Because it is always somebody else at the door. You look at the old lion knocker in the middle of the door and not into their faces. You mumble his name. They say he isn't home. You thank them. You can never keep their names straight, and in fact, you think the names change. When he calls you back, he says, (text-colour:red)["Don't meet me at my house. The (link-repeat:"neighborhood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This whole path is", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "far too dangerous", "Emergency 3") (link-goto: "to follow.", "Electronic madness") ]] is too dangerous."] Every time he calls you, you wonder if he says that to his mother. You think about the alleys that lead up to Colfax, the dank puddles on the streets when everything else is dry. The lingering remains of drunks and sex. Then you stop thinking about it. Two years, and you have still never met his mother. He tells you about her, shows you the cotton caftan she wove him for Christmas. And you stop thinking about that, too. You go down on weekends when you can. If he isn't there, well it isn't all that far to the Denver Public Library and you needed some stuff there anyway. Then you get an internship at Quantum Software in the Republic Building on the downtown mall as a junior tech editor. This way, you can get your classes and all the studying in on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and go to Denver to work and have coffee with him afterwards on Tuesdays and (link-repeat:"Thursday*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Thursday coffees") ]]. He does not invite you over. He does, however, return your phone calls faithfully every Wednesday and Friday. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You meet") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He leaves") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Forget-me-nots<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 8/12/96 Subject: Whatever happened to good old what's her eyes? An old high school friend named Bob Spanish just wrote for a new series on MTV called Empty Happiness. He said the title character was modeled on me, but we haven't even talked for ten years. What I seem to be getting at is reconciling (link-repeat:"who we were")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Shadows of the past", "You meet") (link-goto: "are never real.", "Abandon-mints") ]] with who we have become. It's an issue for everybody, especially for women, because the changes of time are more critical to how we are perceived by ourselves and others. But having a child with special needs makes such a dramatic, profound, pervasive difference, and so quickly--not just standing naked before a mirror, thinking of what my breasts and belly and butt used to look like before the stretch marks, before spaghetti and frosted flakes became household staples and sushi and aerobics became selfish indulgences. But thinking about what's happened to my mind since I stopped watching French films and settled for "Beauty and the Beast" over and over and over. What's happened to my voice since I stopped discussing Sartre in coffee houses and singing folk songs in stair wells and started demanding my (link-repeat:"daughter's right")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Rights are hard", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "to come by", "Leaving") (link-goto: "when your body", "Death fear") (link-goto: "has overfilled its", "numbers know") (link-goto: "quota of lefts.", "regular classroom") ]] to a free appropriate public education across a white laminate table under bright, flourescent lights. What's happened to my conversation skills since I stopped the witty, flirtatious banter at crashed cast parties and learned to reduce my words to slow, clearly enunciated instructions, repeated and prompted until Laurel finally manages to understand "put... shoes... on." Men used to write poems about my eyes, my voice, the way my nose crinkled when I laughed. Now, no one sees me, no one hears me sing. I am dusty and creaky with (link-repeat:"disuse*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "disuse") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Vanity") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Dried roses") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>come to think<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Come to think of it, this must be why he (link-repeat:"left")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Going has many reasons", "He leaves") (link-goto: "and one result.", "leave her again") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "disuse") (link-goto: "back", "Forget-me-nots") (link-goto: "back", "After the test") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Dried roses<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 8/12/96 Subject: The scoop on life As the UPS guy rang the doorbell, Kodi ran through the house and flung what little clean laundry I had into the layer of chocolate frosting Laurel had just smeared all over the living room couch, Janet dropped a hammer on her toe and started to scream, and the radio (link-repeat:"blew a fuse")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Other types of", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "fuses leave no", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "time for roses.", "Psychic Roses") ]] ( a quite natural reaction from being left on in a full bathtub). Thus, it was a very good thing that the package was from Bob Spanish, my old MTV beau. The brown box was taped over and over again, so naturally I took out the carving knife and went at it. When it exploded, the living room was covered in pine curls and dried rose leaves, all coated over with frangipini scent. To say the least, it was like nothing the living room had ever seen before. And with it was a simple note: This is what you are to me now. Mind you, I still have not seen this guy for ten years. At the very least. But I like the imagery. I am dried roses smelling of frangipini. I am a soft, clean wood scent. I am what Janet, what Laurel, need me to be. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Forget-me-nots") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "DENIAL") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>DENIAL<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I am nothing like (link-repeat:"the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have explored", "MOON BLESSINGS") (link-goto: "every crater of", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "my soul, and I", "WILD MOONS") (link-goto: "can swear to this.", "Underlying truth") ]].. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONBLOOD") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Somehow") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>You follow<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: June 1986 Your internship paves the way for a full time position in Quantum the day you graduate. You like the people, the pay isn't bad, and you have your very own grey cubicle in a warren of other cubicles on the fifteenth floor. On a clear day, if you go over to Sue's desk, you can see the Front Range from Mt. Evans to Long's Peak. Congratulations, your clasmates say enviously. It is so damn hard to get a job with a B.A. in English. Lucky damn stiff, they whisper to each other. Sold out, some say. (link-repeat:"You ignore it")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You never look luck", "Routine") (link-goto: "in the mouth.", "lucky") ]]. Or just shrug to acknowledge your luck--which it is even if it isn't what you want to do for the rest of your life. You get an apartment in Denver, right in the thick of Capitol Hill, about two blocks from his house of crazy med interns. (We rotate beds, he tells you. Two of the guys are residents and only need the one bed. You probably don't believe him.) It's a studio, in what used to be part of the servants quarters in what was once a snappy neighborhood. But that was back way before 1920, as the art deco ceilings and thick plastered ivy mouldings on arched entryways proclaim. Now, it is nothing. Still, you feel a sense of the snaz as you write the address: Emily Dickinson, Apt. 208. The names have probably been around since the origin--or so long that no one finds it humorous that Emily is a tiny white stone building scrunched in between the heavy brick pillars of Nathanial Hawthorne and the black marble slabs of Mark Twain. You call him from work, even before your own phone is set up. "Come over and see my new place," you try to purr. You want your voice seductive, sweet. It sounds like you have just finished a hog calling contest. (link-repeat:"And lost.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Don't worry. There are", "Ach du lieber") (link-goto: "plenty more battles", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "to loose.", "NO TURNING BACK") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He leaves") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He declines") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>He declines<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Summer 1986 You go out with other guys. There is Charlie from the Wynkoop you met while you took that Denver Free University Class, the Art of Barhopping. Or Benny who talked poetry but took most of it straight out of the Tao of Pooh. Tim, the guy you had a crush on all through junior high, took up singing raucous Irish songs in bars and fishing boats and cruises in Alaska. And (link-repeat:"Bob")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Old loves have both the", "Forget-me-nots") (link-goto: "past and past dreams.", "Dried roses") ]], your high school dates back, actually made it big on a screenplay and hightailed it out to Hollywood. You told him to look up your mother. Surprisingly enough, he still calls occasionally. Any of these guys would be thrilled to go with you on a picnic in the Lair of the Bear, or hike Beaver Brook Trail from start to (link-repeat:"finish*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "finish") ]]. But no. You would rather call him. You don't understand why. You think it is his eyes, the dark green flash of them. You think it it more likely the way his (link-repeat:"chest ripples")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you stroke his chest", "If we do") (link-goto: "you can understand", "You mean") (link-goto: "nothing else.", "First strike") ]] in the sun as he studies in Cheeseman Park. You think it is the way he talks around his anatomy books. (link-repeat:"You don't think")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is what you can't", "desire rises up") (link-goto: "forgive yourself for late.", "You follow") ]]. He is busy, he says. Each and every time you call. You think again of the way the sun played with his long gold hair, tied in a black band. You think about his long delicate fingers brushing across your wrists. Your body thinks for you. You are swamped too, you say. (text-colour:navy)["Can't we just meet anyway?"] (text-colour:red)["OK"] he finally says. (text-colour:red)["(link-repeat:"Thursday evenings*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Thursday coffees") ]]. A standing date. That way, I can have my peace and the weekends to study."] You agree. The Almond Cafe, you say. You know the service is slow, and it is not too far from your house. He knows this too, but he agrees anyway. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You follow") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You beckon") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>finish<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Of course, you aren't really sure you'd make it to the finish on Beaver Brook trail. You haven't finished anything from the day you were born, is the way your (link-repeat:"father")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "He declines") ]] would put it. You'd probably hit about halfway, past that third rockfall, and suggest a slight detour to that meadow ringed with aspen and the soft ferns. By the time you were done there, you would both be a little to weak to walk up to Chief Xosa. So you would find an excuse just to turn around and walk back down the trail, hand in hand. If nothing else. Let alone (link-repeat:"finishing anything")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you finally", "Mama") (link-goto: "make up your mind", "My chains") (link-goto: "to do something,", "around it") (link-goto: "you fail.", "Frozen dreams") ]] for the rest of your life. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He declines") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>You beckon<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Summer 1986 You try on first the red sundress, then the blue. Settle for the green one with white flecks, the neck just a bit too high, the waist too low. But that is the fashion just now. A simple gold necklace. No. The pearl one you got from your mother for graduating. The pearls with the ersatz gold figurine - the dali-like one. You switch back to the necklace. You add the faux mother-of-pearl shell you got from Bob last year. You think of (link-repeat:"Venus rising")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You know Venus' beauty", "MOON SHADOWS") (link-goto: "is only truly visible", "MOON FALLEN") (link-goto: "in the moonlight.", "PRO RE NATA") ]] and giggle. This is what I always wear, you think. There won't be (link-repeat:"anything different*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "anything different") ]]. You shrug, wishing for the coral necklace your roommate had and lost the first year of college. This is who you have become. You meet him at the Almond Cafe on the corner of Washington and Colfax. You pretend to get there right out of work, breathless and still full of the proper business decorum and make up. He saves a table by the window. The evening sun shines in white shafts over his high cheekbones. Your fingers can almost feel the short, sharp fuzz underneath. Your breasts ache in your new lace scalloped bra. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He declines") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Start love", "You plan") (link-goto: "Philology", "He means") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>anything different<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: The dress is the same, your hair the same. He will not be able to tell there is (link-repeat:"anything different")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Telling yourself nothing", "Leaving") (link-goto: "changes is the easiest", "Forget-me-nots") (link-goto: "way to go mad.", "HYSTERICS") ]]. He will (link-repeat:"never know*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "never know") ]] how much you need him. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You beckon") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>never know<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE Then again, he probably (link-repeat:"does anyway")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "He knew what you needed.", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "And this is why he", "affair") (link-goto: "never gave it to you.", "credit cards") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "anything different") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>King Soopers<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: They really call it the Queen Soopers because there are so many gay guys and lesbians in Capitol Hill, but no one has ever (link-repeat:"looked at you with longing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "there are a million", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "ways to look.", "Can I help?") ]], more's the pity. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You plan") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>He means<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Unanswered files DateLine: Summer 1986 When he presses your hand into his, and you finger his skim milk blue veins, an incongruous delicate color against the swirls of grain in the table top, and he sets down his coffee gently and says "I love you", what does he really mean? Is it: "I want you, I think about you all the time, and I would do anything if we could live together happily ever after." "I like you so much, I like being with you too terribly much to stop, but I have to cram and I don't want you to go away so I'll say whatever I have to say." "I want something else to think about besides carpals and metatarsals and tiny filaments of bone. And so I think of you." "I need something to say to spackle over the conversation gaps and this is as good as anything." "Perfect eyes, teeth, skin. You just need breast augmentation and I know the guy who can do that." "Your apartment is so clean all the time. You would make me a perfect housewife." "If this works with you today, I'll try it on Trudy tomorrow." "I just want to have sex with you because you are available and then I can stop thinking about it and go back to the books." This is probably a (link-repeat:"multiple choice quiz")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If you could stand", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "outside your life and see", "Routine") (link-goto: "everything at once--would", "Hecatomb") (link-goto: "you close your eye?", "stones") ]]. These, you think, all probably echo his thoughts. But you are never sure about his thinking pattern. You don't want to be. You have always been quicker, always a little surprised he hasn't read the latest, or thought seriously about the crazy things that are always fleeing through your mind. Then again, you don't really know of anyone else who would think about these things. The only person you ever told was that guy in tenth grade, who you showed your journals and thought cities and confessed you dreamed entire coherent movies every night, told you that you scared him. And dropped out of your Algebra 3 class just to stay away from you. So now you hold the hand in front of you and don't bother filling in the quiz blanks. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You beckon") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You mean") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>You plan<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Summer 1986 And so on the whim, you go to your apartment. Actually, it isn't really a whim, because you have done this before. And the first time wasn't a whim either, or else you wouldn't have gotten the burgundy percale 200 thread sheets and matching towels from Walmart the Wednesday before. You told yourself that you needed it for the apartment and it was a great deal at $22.99. You also threw your grandmother's quilt over the unpacked boxes to make a homey table. And the flowers you bought at the (link-repeat:"King Sooper*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "King Soopers") ]] were definitely not for you. Anyway, you tell yourself each time you go up the steps, you are only thinking about the inconsequential. Not the consequential feel of his shoulders over your arm as you navigate the narrow turn on the second landing. Not the (link-repeat:"consequences")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If consequences came", "The father") (link-goto: "first no one would ever", "Try outs") (link-goto: "do the actual deed.", "After the knowing") ]] of what comes next. Each time, your mind agrees with the admonition, and then runs off to rummage through your cabinets. This time, will it be the Grand Marnier left from when you made chocolate cheesecake? Or the Absolut Vodka you bought for the first time (there is about half the bottle left)? Is the 7-up you bought last week still good? Or should you bring out the Light-Dry Cruzan Premuim Rum from the Virgin Islands? You settle on the vodka and orange juice. After all, he knows you are not a virgin. He comes over. Nothing is as you planned. He asks what you have done to the place since he was last there. You tell him. He smiles without commenting. His is a mess, he says. Too many roommates studying too many books. No privacy. Besides, he says, somebody pinched my (link-repeat:"PDR*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "PDR") ]] last night. This is all he says. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You beckon") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He says") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>now and forever<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Till death or something (link-repeat:"more sinister")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Pessimisarianism:", "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") (link-goto: "when you die, your soul", "letters come") (link-goto: "tells the devil things", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "could be a lot worse.", "FALL SILENT") ]] do us part. But you know he isn't thinking this. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You mean") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>needed this<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Yet, when you think about it, you really do. You are your mother's progeny, her little helper, and your greatest fear is that (link-repeat:"her dependancy")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What does a fish need", "dramatical") (link-goto: "more than a bicycle", "The final shot") (link-goto: "A. A man.", "Uncertain") ]] will rub off on you. Then you, too, will resent the hell out of it and try to get out of Dodge, too, and end up burning your life away. Then you think about it -- what is there really to burn? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "You mean") (link-goto: "back", "charges") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>You mean<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Unanswered files DateLine: Summer 1986 When you lean over the shiny (link-repeat:"false wood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It's only a paper moon", "Vanity") (link-goto: "sailing over a paper sky", "DENIAL") (link-goto: "And I should know this.", "After the child") ]] tabletop in the Almond Cafe, your knees pressing against his, just missing that sharp sliver of a leg holding the whole table together, what do you mean when you say back: "I love you too?" Is it: "You're definitely the best (link-repeat:"I'll ever get*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "ever get") ]] and I'm so damn glad you said that." "I think you are kind, sweet, gentle, and perfect enough to be the person I spend forever with, or barring that, at least a hell of a lot of my life?" "If I ever want to be (link-repeat:"messed up financially*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "messed up financially") ]] by anyone, darling, it would definitely be you." "I need to be loved by someone, you said it, and I'll say it back." "I thought you'd never say that! Finally, someone to validate my entire existence, just like in the fifties. Thanks God, I need this*." "What is it about doctors that I want to love one? You'll never be there, we'll have no future, but my mother would be so happy." "Your hands are so soft, and while your body is not quite drop dead gorgeous, you feel so good with me that I couldn't bear it if you went away." "My mind is not in gear right now, but (link-repeat:"my body is*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "my body is in charge") ]]. I'll just let it have a night on the town for once. I might check for messages in the morning." "Great! I'm horny as hell and now I have a chance to do something about it." "I need to have you touching me, covering me, all over again." "I need to know you love me now and (link-repeat:"forever*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "now and forever") ]]. Or at least for as long as I need to know this." This, too, is probably a multiple choice quiz. You love him, you love him not, and it means just about as much as pulling the (link-repeat:"wings of daisies*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "wings of daisies") ]]. So you lean back in the wood chair, you shoulders just missing the bevelled edges on either side, and stare at him. In the harlequin (link-repeat:"romance")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "PRO RE NATA") ]] you devoured as a kid, this is called staring up at him lovingly, or gazing longingly into his dark green eyes, except in the books the eyes almost always border on purple and you have never really seen this. So you just stare and wonder. And tell your mind to go take a hike. And only come back when you don't see the tie on the door, ok? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He means") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "PRO RE NATA") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>my body is in charge<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: After this, you vow. I will never let my (link-repeat:"body dictate")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Due to unavoidable", "Aha") (link-goto: "technical difficulties,", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "we are unable to fulfill", "intentions.") (link-goto: "your vow right now.", "DOUBLED") ]] my actions. After this. After just this once. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "You mean") (link-goto: "back", "More storms ahead") (link-goto: "back", "SOLE REMEDY") (link-goto: "back", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Your apartment") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>messed up financially<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: What could (link-repeat:"money possibly matter")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Money: you can't", "Time costs") (link-goto: "live with it, you can't", "The great wall") (link-goto: "live without it.", "Withering choices") ]] when your heart is at stake? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "You mean") (link-goto: "back", "I knew") (link-goto: "back", "if you understand") (link-goto: "back", "Resourceless") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>wings of daisies<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Saying it this way makes it sound a lot crueler than it really is, you think to yourself. Would you be so ready to (link-repeat:"tear the flower")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we love more,", "cold sun") (link-goto: "we destroy more.", "Leaving") ]] apart if you knew its pain? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "You mean") (link-goto: "back", "Leaving") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>ever get<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: This is what your father has told you all your life. You know what he means. When you brought home all Bs and he said, yes, that is the best you can do. When you made that first dinner by yourself and served him burnt casserole and salted strawberries, he said, yes, that is the best you'll ever have to offer. So take what (link-repeat:"you can get")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "After all dear,", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "it's for the best.", "Ach du lieber") ]]. Because you don't deserve even that. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "You mean") (link-goto: "back", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "back", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "back", "MOON CAKES") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Pro re nata, def.<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Pro Re Nata, adv. According to circumstances. Medical term for prescribing medication. (link-repeat:"Obsolete")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The more things change", "For richer") (link-goto: "the more they remain", "For poorer") (link-goto: "the same.", "THE MOST PRECIOUS") ]]. The inconsistency of the circumstances, of the waning moon. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "PRO RE NATA") (link-goto: "back", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "back", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "back", "huffily") (link-goto: "back", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "back", "Social decision") (link-goto: "back", "First strike") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>PRO RE NATA<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Has the moon ever used the words "I love you"? Are these the sounds the moon whispers to the clouds as they caress her? It is the cryptic language the moon would embody, would take to herself as lovers, drawing them about her as she does thin lengths of revealing clouds in a (link-repeat:"dark")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]ly clear sky. This is what she would mean as she changes her face in the night. This would be (link-repeat:"her gift")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Under all the wrappings,", "MOON FALLEN") (link-goto: "what is there for me?", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]] to me. Here have these (link-repeat:"three words")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I know these words", "Pro re nata, def.") (link-goto: "must mean something", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "more than sounds.", "Profoundly simple") ]]. Have anything you want them (link-repeat:"to mean")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When I find out what", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "these words mean, you'll", "Mama") (link-goto: "be the first to know.", "LULLABY") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONBLOOD") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>He says<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1986 Things settle into the routine: the Almond Cafe for Thursday coffees, your apartment after that, the perhaps I'll see you next Thursday. As long as the words stay the same, you are safe. Over the (link-repeat:"Thursday coffees*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Thursday coffees") ]], he simply holds your hand. Which is odd, because he certainly has held more than that in (link-repeat:"your apartment*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Your apartment") ]]. And you both know that that is where you will end up again that night. But right now, you think only about running your hands over his smooth legs. And you have lost the conversation. You think he says (link-repeat:"he loves you")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It is what you don't", "You mean") (link-goto: "hear that matters.", "He means")]]. But you aren't sure because his hand is over his mouth and he is staring back at the waitress, trying to wave her over for more coffe. You nod. But his back is to you, there is no one to see you nod. You fiddle with the empty cream containers, putting them back into each other like russian dolls. Putting everything in place. You think he says there is no one else but you. He is drinking his coffee though, and may be muttering about something else. You tell yourself this is what you have heard. He says he is too busy right now with med school to think of settling down. You nod and go off on a tangent, talking about the office politics and Sue's new haircut. You, too, are busy. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "You plan") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He executes") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Thursday coffees<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: The Thursday coffees were the only ritual we shared. We knew what to expect, when to expect it. But I always wondered, what does it take to create (link-repeat:"tradition")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Here comes a candle", "Chicago") ]]? When does it seem the right thing to do? The appropriate thing? For me, I think, if it is something I want, only once. I didn't ask him. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "He declines") (link-goto: "back", "He says") (link-goto: "back", "After the test") (link-goto: "back", "He leaves") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Your apartment<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: At your apartment, he massages your shoulders until you are both, somehow, merely skin glistening in your lamplight. His long fingers hit the pressure points. Your skin relaxes into (link-repeat:"his touch")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sensitarianism", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "when you die, your soul", "Routine") (link-goto: "feels everything.", "moon skin") ]]. You stroke his back, lingering down the spine. You try to keep from shuddering. And cannot. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "He says") (link-goto: "back", "More storms ahead") (link-goto: "back", "my body is in charge") (link-goto: "back", "The calmness of knowing") (link-goto: "back", "charges") (link-goto: "back", "First strike") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>desire rises up<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: You know what you (link-repeat:"are getting into")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is not true.", "Attack time") (link-goto: "If you knew even half of", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") (link-goto: "if you would run as far", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "and as fast as you could.", "After the child") (link-goto: "But you are stuck fast.", "Ach du lieber") ]]. And you still want it. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "He executes") (link-goto: "back", "Routine") (link-goto: "back", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "He declines") (link-goto: "back", "delete keys") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>He executes<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1986 You sit on one corner of the couch (the other corner is perfectly good, unused, and more balanced, a part of your mind cries. You silence it.) You feel the soft nubs of the blue velour under your fingers. Slide over to the contrasting rough pale blue of his denims. Lightly know the solidity encased inside. His fingers find the soft sweat flannel of your sundress. Press into your thighs. The cells (link-repeat:"rise up*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "desire rises up") ]] to his grasp. They always do. There are so many things you do not talk about. Everyone knows by now that AIDs is not just a disease for homosexuals. Yet the topic never reaches the periphery of possible conversations. You do not have an iud, and you are not on the pill. Yet the conversation stays as far from the contents of your bathroom cabinet as it does the (link-repeat:"woman in the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Freedom means never", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "wondering why you", "THE SOUL SELECTS") (link-goto: "do this.", "other moons") ]]. He doesn't believe in condoms, he told you once as you stroked the long-ago facets of those prisms in his dorm window. He still doesn't. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He says") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Routine") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Routine<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Winter 1986 The anticipation becomes the routine. You keep thinking about how his skin feels, the mottled (link-repeat:"blue veins")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The bloods want to", "LULLABY") (link-goto: "mingle forever.", "Emergency 2") ]] under the pale cream back. Now the Almond Cafe is a prelude, a wonderment where you can stare into clear the rose petal of wine outlined on the table cloth and tense in anticipation. Each time he tells you this is the last time. He is busy, he says. He no longer says he loves you. You aren't really what I want, he means. You know this. But (link-repeat:"your belly")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Your belly knows", "Life sparks") (link-goto: "what your mind can't", "desire rises up") (link-goto: "understand.", "BONE KNOW") ]] tenses of its own accord. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "He executes") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "AFTER A WHILE") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>AFTER A WHILE<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> You (link-repeat:"miss a month")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The cells of your body", "After the test") (link-goto: "have known your future", "not born") (link-goto: "long before you even", "More storms ahead") (link-goto: "thought to ask.", "once,") ]]. You have always been prompt--right at the start of the new moon. When you can see the dark hulk of the moon hiding beside the tiny curved opening of light, you always think to yourself: I am shedding the (link-repeat:"dark blood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon knows where", "FLOOD OF WORDS") (link-goto: "each drop of her blood", "SCATH GEALACH") (link-goto: "is at all times.", "moon skin") ]] of the moon. She keeps herself clean while I bear both our pain. You always see the moon laughing at every slow tide of blood rolling down into pain on the shores inside your body. You always tell yourself this is nonsense. And, after the moon has established herself, you forgive the dark hulk behind her. Until the next month. But this time, the moon has dismissed you. The first night of the new moon is cloudy. You do not notice. The second is clear. (link-repeat:"You wait")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You can tell the future", "everything waits") (link-goto: "only if you wait for it.", "waiting lists") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONBLOOD") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Somehow") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Yellow roses<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Yellow roses, n. pl. In the courtly language of flowers, yellow roses stand for (link-repeat:"unfaithfulness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "affair") ]], adultery. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the knowing") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Before the child<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: May 1987 You keep the house clean, bright, new. Hang (link-repeat:"rose wallpaper")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is the way you", "Somehow") (link-goto: "have always dreamed", "hideouts") (link-goto: "it would be.", "Success") ]] in the living room. Every night when you come home from work, you cook for him, plan for him. Scrub the plastic runners on the carpet before he comes in the door. You plant flowers and spring bulbs–the baby will be here next year, you think, to see them. You plan a nursery. He asks only that his room be kept quiet. For studying. You understand. And make the basement over into a child's paradise. You (link-repeat:"paint*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "painted") ]] the walls silver before you know if it will be a girl or a boy. You want the child's first vision to be as wide as possible. So you paint the ceiling the pale blue of a winter twilight. Hang moonbeam mobiles over the crib your neighbor gives you. Paint tiny slivers of moons on each newel post. Kelly comes over to paint the cow jumping over the moon just where the baby will see it beyond the bars of the crib. On Saturday afternoons, you go to thrift shops to find baby clothes and bottles, toys and bibs. You scour the (link-repeat:"Salvation Army and Goodwill*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Good will") ]], looking for what you don't have. (link-repeat:"I*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I") ]] want Laurel to know these things. I want her to know how she felt in my body as she breathed under my belly. I want her to know (link-repeat:"she was loved")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "I am blessed", "MOON BLESSINGS") (link-goto: "understand fully what", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "love is now.", "LISTEN") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the knowing") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the child") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Good will<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: These places never live up to their names. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Before the child") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>painted<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Dad says it is the painting that caused (link-repeat:"the problems")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "In the ideal world", "Emergency 2") (link-goto: "everyone has one cause", "water drowns") (link-goto: "and one effect.", "Broken wires") ]]. He is wrong, I know this. But I do not tell him. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Before the child") (link-goto: "back", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "back", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "back", "When you knew") (link-goto: "back", "Cast of characters") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>I<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Notice the change to first person here. This is where I diverge: (link-repeat:"Before the child.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Children always forget", "Before the child") (link-goto: "you used to have a life.", "Forget-me-nots") ]] (link-repeat:"After the child.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "But children know", "After the child") (link-goto: "their existence is far", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "more important than this.", "LISTEN") ]]. (link-repeat:"BC.*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "BC") ]] (link-repeat:"AD.*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "AD") ]] </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Before the child") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Glimpses") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "After the test") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>BC<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: In the years of (link-repeat:"our moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Our ancestors knew", "HARM") (link-goto: "what to fear.", "IN THE BEGINNING") ]], before creation. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "I") (link-goto: "back", "Chicago") (link-goto: "back", "Going on empty") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>AD<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: In the years of our Lord, (link-repeat:"Death")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Deaditarianism:", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "When you die,", "Stubbed out") (link-goto: "your soul knows", "alone.") (link-goto: "it is dead.", "Death fear") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>After the child<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Summer 1987 Laurel was (link-repeat:"not born*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "not born") ]] like an iris unaware–first a thick bud, now a full fledged flower. I was aware of her at every moment. Of course, I was aware of precious little else, like (link-repeat:"the affair*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "affair") ]] he was having or the (link-repeat:"bills*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "credit cards") ]] he wasn't paying or the house that was not as (link-repeat:"bills*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "credit cards") ]] as it used to be. I slept by her crib in the basement so I would hear her, let her tiny fingers hold onto mine, filled her ears with the softest talks. Told her about daffodils in sunshine, dragonflies over the stream, swift black scaled snakes hidden under rosebushes. Held her up in the moonlight to see the Malaysian hunchback sitting under a banyan tree of clouds, weaving the fishing line. Sang to her about the rat that eats the line as fast as the hunchback makes it, so that he cannot fish for mankind. Whispered lullabies, narrated (link-repeat:"sweet dreams")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "To this day, I don't know", "again only") (link-goto: "if Laurel has ever", "grass talks") (link-goto: "dreamed of anything.", "wash over me") ]]. Told her not to cry. And she didn't. At least, not then. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Before the child") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The calmness of knowing") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>credit cards<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Credit card companies are fascinating. They don't take "I'm still in med school, we just had a baby, my wife isn't working right now" as legitimate excuses. They don't see the words "We will pay next summer when she goes back to work, when I get my residency, when things get better" as substitutions for payments or even (link-repeat:"promissary notes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Promises are like soap", "Emergency") (link-goto: "bubbles-- they too, break", "PRAYER") (link-goto: "in too strong light.", "The father") ]]. They do, however, offer 4.9 percent APR financing for the first two months on any new balance. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "After the child") (link-goto: "back", "if you understand") (link-goto: "back", "The calmness of knowing") (link-goto: "back", "never know") (link-goto: "back", "had left her") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>not born<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Laurel was not born in a kind, gentle way. Laurel screamed her arrival a full 37 hours before she came. The labor pains ceased to become separate events and merged with the facts that he was busy taking exams and could not be there, that the doctor was in a lecture about the importance of natural childbirth and could not be there, and did I have my insurance forms with me? Laurel was not born in a natural way. After the hours of labor, hours of the lung-bursting breathing exercises and urges to push, I felt nothing. The doctor put me out and took over the contractions himself. Somehow, we (link-repeat:"both survived")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These are things", "once,") (link-goto: "it is probably best", "a cyst") (link-goto: "not to remember", "BORGES") ]] that night. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "After the child") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "back", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>clean<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Laurel's paraphenalia–the bottles and diapers and safety pins and baby suits and baby seat and swing and toys– deluged every room of the house until I could no longer hold back the waves. Everything was (link-repeat:"flooded")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If the law of entropy", "Herculean") (link-goto: "if true, why haven't I", "Reputations") (link-goto: "we collapsed before now?", "melted?!?") ]] with stains and spills and unmade beds and undone dishes. Even his study. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "After the child") (link-goto: "back", "If we do") (link-goto: "back", "Yesterday") (link-goto: "back", "had left her") (link-goto: "back", "she asked") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>affair<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: This had, of course, been going on for quite some time. It's easy to make excuses to be somewhere when you are in med school–you need to study, research, write a paper. But when the library closes at midnight and you come home at two am, something is probably up. This I pieced together later, particularly after I found the love notes that were (link-repeat:"not addressed to me*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I did not want to", "Desperate") (link-goto: "know who they were for.", "MOON PRINCESS") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "After the child") (link-goto: "back", "Herculean") (link-goto: "back", "Before the storm") (link-goto: "back", "never know") (link-goto: "back", "Yellow roses") (link-goto: "back", "I am not") (link-goto: "back", "More storms ahead") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>The calmness of knowing<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Summer 1987 I tried to explain to him what was going on. To relate like human beings, in the same universe, if not in the same house. I massaged his back, (link-repeat:"reminded him of the touches")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "He doesn't recognize", "zorfs") (link-goto: "your touch", "He executes") (link-goto: "anymore.", "Your apartment") ]] we shared. Then I tried to share my soul. I dreamt I was auditioning for a place in his life, and I had to sing a song that would move him to tears before he would open up his soul and let me in. Grabbing a guitar and this song from the air around me, I began crooning this and he cried. Not able to fulfill the import of his tears, he disappeared in a shaft of moonlight. I woke up, the song burnt into my mind. His body was still there on the other side of the bed. But I could not see his soul. Lost Voices I know you're thinking 'bout a working day I know you're bustin' it to make your way And you're trying to take care of me. I know you're very good at what you know, I know that everybody tells you so, But there's something you don't see. Chorus: Deep down inside (link-repeat:"there's a place I can hide")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The trouble with", "I am not") (link-goto: "hiding places is", "moon closets") (link-goto: "that they are not safe.", "Continuous replay") ]] That is not meant for anyone else. I don't care if it is wrong, when the music is strong. This is something I do for myself. You know it's easy laying out your hand Only loving what you understand And pretending to be strong. It's harder stepping out of what you know; Loving even when you're letting go Knowing you can't buy my song. I found your safety but I lost my voice. If I could go back, would I make that choice? Would I still want to belong? Our bodies know each other but our souls Got lost in (link-repeat:"credit cards*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "credit cards") ]] and career goals And there's no time for my song. Who were you before the baby came? You had a different face, a different name. Do you miss the you that's gone? I can't be what you want, A shadow in this house I haunt And I can't find the strength to pretend. ((link-repeat:"©Clarsa McEthany*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Acknowledgements") ]]) After I wrote this, I knew (link-repeat:"it was too late")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The time to determine", "THE MOON'S PRICE") (link-goto: "if he understands", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "your song is before", "NO TURNING BACK") (link-goto: "you get pregnant", "The father") (link-goto: "with his seed.", "AFTER A WHILE") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the child") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Before the storm") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Before the storm<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Summer 1988 I (link-repeat:"said nothing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If you can't say anything", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "safe, then say", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "nothing at all.", "say nothing") ]] about his (link-repeat:"affairs*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "affair") ]]. He said nothing about the child, so I guess this was only fair. He came home late, undoing the deadbolt on his study door, slipping inside, turning the light and hot pot on. He left early, leaving pots of cold coffee and dishes in the sink. I went back to work, leaving Laurel at the Wee Care daycare next to my office building. Laurel never looked up as I went away, never followed me with her eyes or called after me as she was left in the hands of the teenage, flat faced girl who nodded and held her exactly right. We went on in peace. The air deadened (link-repeat:"around us")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The birds are still", "4 to 1") (link-goto: "before a storm because", "Autism") (link-goto: "they know what's coming.", "RITUALS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The calmness of knowing") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The storm") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>The storm<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Fall 1988 Running in from an overdrawn meeting and slipping in the early fall snow, I was late picking Laurel up from the Wee Care that Thursday afternoon. The girl stood in the doorway without Laurel, her ears stopped with toilet paper, her jaws furiously chewing gum. I asked her where Laurel was, told her I was sorry I was late, that it (link-repeat:"wouldn't happen again")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If we knew how false", "Emergency 4") (link-goto: "our worlds were, would we", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "ever speak again?", "Aftermath") ]]. She said that Laurel was in the bathroom, screaming. And that it definitely wouldn't happen again, because Laurel had been screaming for the second day in a row. They simply couldn't go on like this. I said Laurel hadn't been screaming last night, that it must be (link-repeat:"something in the air")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What blows and blows", "The air") (link-goto: "and never breaths?", "clouds") (link-goto: "A. The wind.", "Alternatives") ]] at the day care, something in the formula, maybe one of the other kids set her off. She said, no, that Laurel started to scream about a half hour after I left and was still going strong. I could hear her in the bathroom, a high, keening note like the baying at the moon. I took her home. She did not stop. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Before the storm") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Escaping the storm") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Escaping the storm<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: Winter 1988 Laurel is still screaming, as she has been for too long to count now, her head bandaged from where she bangs it over and over again against the bedstead. This bandage has held on for an hour or so. I hope it lasts longer than the last time. I am so tired. I remember bandaging the last time, but not the time before that. I think I remember (link-repeat:"peace")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The problem with peace", "Before the storm") (link-goto: "is that it is too elusive", "Credits") (link-goto: "to remember in war", "For the time being") ]], but it is so far away I have forgotten what silence sounds like. She lies there, staring at the night sky, her voice the only thing moving. I touch her. She does not flinch. Her voice does not change. I hold her. Her voice grows louder. I put her down, cover the window, cover the crib. Her voice grows softer, but I can still hear the unending keening. He has left for a hotel. He cannot take the noise. I ask Kelly to come over just for a few minutes. An hour or so. I tell her I am (link-repeat:"desperate")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The problem with", "Desperate") (link-goto: "desperation is that the", "to become") (link-goto: "boundaries keep shifting.", "that I cannot") ]]. When she comes, I put my burgundy lace underwear under my wool slacks. And hurry to him. I need to have his arms around me. I need to know he will not leave me. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The storm") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "More storms ahead") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>More storms ahead<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: February 1989 It has (link-repeat:"happened again")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Some people just", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "never learn.", "After the test") ]]. As the life quickens in my belly, I tighten inside, wondering how to tell him. Dear, I have a very special graduation present for you. It'll come just about three months late for your graduation, but I'm sure you won't mind that. Hi, honey, remember the (link-repeat:"condoms we didn't use")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Do they call them Trojans", "He means") (link-goto: "because of what they", "Your apartment") (link-goto: "deliver?", "affair") ]]? Or maybe just the simple, straightforward, I'm knocked up again. What do we want to do about it? Laurel continues to scream, day and night. I think I will have to find someone to sit for the night so I can tell him. In a quiet coffee shop, the Almond Cafe perhaps. Of course, I can't find a sitter even for the evening. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Escaping the storm") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "What I know") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>What I know<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Keep in Mind He left because he said he couldn't handle another child like that one. Because he didn't want to find out if the baby were going to turn out like Laurel. These are good reasons (link-repeat:"for leaving")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Strength is what you", "Leaving") (link-goto: "have after the weak", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "cells have run away.", "TRIUMPHS") ]], he said. I can't handle the zoo any longer, he said. He will pay child support, of course. Of course, I said. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "More storms ahead") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "All I wanted") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>All I wanted<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files DateLine: March 1989 When he left, Laurel went for two weeks without sleeping and simply rocked on the bathroom floor, her hands grasping the toilet lid. She did not stop screaming the entire time. Kelly refused to come over. She said she couldn't handle it. I said I understood. My boss said my job was no longer waiting for me. I said I understood. I could not pry Laurel off the toilet lid. I fed her there, sitting on the lip of the bathtub, my knees drawn up, my feet cold on the floor beside her. We stayed there, Laurel and I, unmoving, uncomprehending. When Laurel finally fell asleep after the sixteenth day, she sighed like a cat leaving off its purr. Slumped to no-longer white linoleum. I carried her to my bed. Brushed her curls away from her face with my finger. I still listen for that sound–sometimes for endless nights that stretch into uncountable days. When she sleeps, I stare at her. Trace her thin brown eyebrows above the smooth curved lashes. (link-repeat:"Love")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "WHAT I DON'T KNOW") ]] her closed eyes. I want to do this just once more. Once again. I need to (link-repeat:"bind her to my soul")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do you see", "Into our own hands") (link-goto: "to bind up minds", "Rage") (link-goto: "A. Crazy glue", "alone.") ]], in the wordless, mindless way cats do when they rub their scent into where you have been. I knew that this is far too much to ask. Laurel slept for about 15 minutes and rose again, (link-repeat:"screaming")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Where can I lock up", "once,") (link-goto: "my soul for safekeeping", "had left her") (link-goto: "until it is over?", "GYNATRISIA") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "What I know") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "WHAT I DON'T KNOW") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>WHAT I DON'T KNOW<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Why he left. Or rather, why the moon (link-repeat:"let him go")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "How could she leave", "DOWN TO GRIEF") (link-goto: "him out of the equation", "if you understand") (link-goto: "and only pursue me?", "Rage") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONBLOOD") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>IN THE BEGINNING<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files Once the moon was all powerful, (link-repeat:"all knowing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon has forgotten", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "more than anyone", "moon mind") (link-goto: "will ever know.", "MOON CYCLES") ]]. All the seas flowed into her; all the seas flowed out of her. She inhabited the lungs of every creature; she worked the bowels and hearts and tongues. Everything lived in harmony with the moon. No one could wish for more than what the moon had given, what she had created. The moon saw this, and it was good. She would come down to earth and the people and animals would feed her. All would rejoice mightily in the great white light as she came ever closer, ever stronger. After the feasting, she would rise back across the horizon and take her place, lighting the stars from her own pale light. Her light grew dimmer as the stars grew brighter, and the people marvelled at the dances of the stars. And all would partake (link-repeat:"in the dance")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dancing is the most", "MOON BLESSINGS") (link-goto: "ancient way of knowing", "Mythic origins") (link-goto: "your bodies are made", "dancing") (link-goto: "from the same cells.", "Visigoths") ]]. This then, was primordial happiness. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat: '<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ARKENSTONES") ]]] (link-repeat: '<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IT MUST BE WRITTEN") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>As the Grocery turns<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/20/96 18: 46 Subject: Tissue lifelines So right, I'm standing there in the cold wide entrance of Safeway , having wrestled Laurel out that far. She is still deftly dodging carts, defiantly overturning the newspaper stands, even kicking at the new coke machines and old penny gumball machines (now demanding 25 cents) and trying to squirm out of my arms, kick my shins, and bite me at the same time. I kept thinking of the Taz monster on tv, the whirlwind of destruction, the abu jinn of the arabian mythos. Strange where (link-repeat:"one tends to go")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. When is a mind", "her own society") (link-goto: "not a mind?", "Continuous replay") (link-goto: "A. When its's a land mine.", "LISTEN") ]] in those split seconds. One of the ladies at the customer service and video checkout counter looked at Laurel screaming all over the place. Gazed slowly at my bleeding arms. Solemnly offered me a tissue. Naturally, I couldn't take it, my arms filled with hysterical child. She didn't walk out from the counter with her offering. Of course not. Rather, she carefully looked at me, looked at the tissue, and said, "No dear, you probably (link-repeat:"need more than this")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My needs have always", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "outstripped my resources.", "WARNING LIGHTS") ]]." And walked off to help some other customer. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Grocery shopping") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Putting stuff away") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>TOS<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: totally off the subject. off the wall (link-repeat:"offing something")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We kill because death", "Violence") (link-goto: "is closer to life", "Video prescription") (link-goto: "than we know.", "GLASS HARMONICA") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Grocery shopping") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>We take our destiny<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/30/96 12:38 Subject: What hath man wrought? I can't rely on the school for anything. They promise classes; they give (link-repeat:"closet space")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. When is a closet", "Yanking") (link-goto: "an animal?", "Isolation") (link-goto: "A. When it's bare.", "Brown vs Board") ]]. They say they plant tomaters, but all I gets is weeds. Aack, sorry. Not doing so well on the accents today. So I'm reading Doug Biklen's and Rosemary Crossley's stuff about facilitated communication and I decide to try it mine own self. Jus' little ol me and let's not bring in the system this year. Chris has generously offered to be my second in command whilst I teach. With the trusty aid of her Singer sewing machine, we put together a communication book for Laurel. The book is made from 2 blocks of 8 by 17 inch dark navy upholstry cloth. We cut out the pages, sewed down the middle, et voila, a book. We then bought out the local supply of velcro strips. We sewed the fuzzy edges in just like lines in a primer, and then cut up the hard plasticy edges into one inch strips. Then we pasted pictures on the one inch strips: Pepsi, Doritos, starbursts, Applebees, feet, arms, dresses (yellow only), shirts and socks (green only). All the things in (link-repeat:"Lauel's world")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Is that Laurel's world", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "is insane, or just more", "Cat's eyes") (link-goto: "distant than other worlds", "grass talks") ]]. Of course magazines don't have pictures of (link-repeat:"zorfs*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "zorfs") ]] or (link-repeat:"shattered glass")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Glass is that magic", "glass") (link-goto: "state halfway between", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "solid and liquid.", "Out on a limb") ]], or (link-repeat:"moonbeams")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We are only", "STONES UNDERSTAND") (link-goto: "what the moon forgot", "moon closets") ]], but we made do. Now we have a place in the book for what is coming up, what has happened, what is happening. So the book (and the plastic bag of velcro'd concepts) go with us. We actually got Laurel to take it and velcro for an aggregate total of 15 minutes out of 5 hours trying the first day. Not so bad, eh? When you consider that home schoolers just need to be in educational status for 4 hours a day (the educators themselves figure the rest is lost in (link-repeat:"administrivia*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "bureaucrazy") ]].) When you subtract out class distractions and get to the individual attention, you probably have about what we got. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Grocery shopping") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Into our own hands") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Into our own hands<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/23/96 9:34 Subject: And now, for something completely different You will never in a million billion trillion quadrillion years guess what happened. So I will tell you. Before I burst out in tears of rapture. In smiles, using muscles my face didn't know I had. YES!!! Today is more than a red letter day, it is a rainbow, a (link-repeat:"Laurel*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Laurel") ]] wreath, an oscartonygrammypulitzernobel day. Chris and I had been working with Laurel and her comm book all morning. Just when we were going to quit for lunch, Laurel put a Pepsi icon in the "(link-repeat:"This is what is going to happen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Blessed are the young--", "Leaving") (link-goto: "They can fortell anything", "us") ]]" page and got (drumroll here.....) a Pepsi! Dah did did dah! yes!! all right!! She took the Pepsi, opened the top, slugged it back like a pro, slammed it on the table in an end zone hike right on the Pepsi icon. While Chris and I were high-fiving, Laurel went off and put in the Muppets Go to New York video. She put her hands on her ears and hummed while we ostentatiously moved the Pepsi icon from the "This is what is going to happen" page to the "(link-repeat:"This is what happened page.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It is memories that give", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "us strength to go on", "When you knew") ]]" She didn't look at us, not even out of the corners of her eyes. None the less, never the more, it didn't really matter. We made contact. Repeat, Houston, we have contact! Liftoff!! Chris went home to her long neglected family. Laurel rocked back and forth in front of the tv, mesmerized by Kermit. I snuggled with Janet for a while, and we giggled over Candyland. After the muppets finished making havoc of New York City, I put a bath/shower icon on the "this is what is going to happen page" and all three of us piled into the shower. I left the spilled water and soap on the floor as our icons of triumph. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "We take our destiny") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "And rejoice") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>And rejoice<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/29/96 22:44 Subject: Progress you can taste. I don't want to imply a connection where one may not be, but we started Laurel back on Evening Primrose Oil last night (I'd run out, but I got some more) and today was much, much better. I have also (link-repeat:"bombarded her")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The only thing I haven't", "attention") (link-goto: "tried are pomegranates--", "diets") (link-goto: "I do not want to lose", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "her like Demeter did.", "eccentric lunch") ]] with Vitamin B, and am doing a regimen of (link-repeat:"zorfs*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "zorfs") ]]. We are working with Laurel, getting her to find a banana and put it on the word "banana," find an orange and put it on the word "orange" (She does amazingly well at this, actually. When she does put an object on the word it is right. The only difficulty comes when she puts the object on the couch or the table, and cannot understand that this does not count in the strange game we play.) Laurel began to walk away and try the front doors. Rob just put another complicated switch on it so she can't get out without an alarm going off and she has yet to figure the new one out. Chris gave her the communication/icon book that we've been developing. Laurel took out the "Safeway" (grocery store) icon and put it on the velcro strip on the first page the area that says "this is what is now going to happen." Bless Chris, she agreed to stay and greet Janet when she came home from day camp at 3 (it was about 2:30) while I jumped in the car to take Laurel to Safeway. Wandering up and down each aisle and examining the floorboards very carefully, she was extremely quiet. She chose Doritos and Pepsi and candy, located in widely different areas in the store. Then she strode purposefully up to a lighted counter. There were a few people ahead of her and she waited in line, holding the Pepsi bottle like a baby and crooning to it. When the clerk got to us, she gave the bottle to him to see it, and then snatched it back. Then she rooted through my purse, got my wallet, handed it to the clerk. The clerk handed me back my wallet; I gave Laurel cash to give to the clerk (reinforcement behaviour). But Laurel tried to find a slot in the checkstand machinery to put it in. You can kind of understand her dilemma surely there can't be more than one way to pay at the grocery store. Everything has to go through the slot and back into her purse. Except that the clerk wants to keep the money. We finally got it clear. What a cutie! We got home and things were fine. Thus today, I was on a cloud. Nah, on a roller coaster of clouds. Screaming up into the soft floating air, flying like nothing was holding me on the ground, dreaming of true weightlessness. I waxed ecstatic to Mrs. Cooper four doors down when she came out to sweep the walk. I rhapsodized over Laurel's appropriate use of her comm book. Not to mention her appropriate use of my arms, legs, etc. I kissed my (link-repeat:"healing bruises")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What herb heals", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "everything?", "Emergency 2") (link-goto: "A. Thyme.", "at all times") ]] I was so happy. Mrs. Cooper cracked a smile and shook my hand. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Into our own hands") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life in the good lane") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Life in the good lane<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 6/2/96 20:21 Subject: Progress you can taste. Life has been really great this week--which is why I haven't written. (This is sort of like the way the Japanese treat fortunes at their temples--if you get a good one, you leave it at the temple so the gods remember, and if you get a bad one, you leave it at the temple so the gods forget. ) So forgive me for not writing when there is good stuff happening--and when there is bad stuff. But right now, there is only good. Laurel can communicate. She knows what she wants. I can see the person inside, like the first tips of pale yellow color swelling from a tight furry green rosebud. This evening, Laurel decided to take a walk. She dumped all of the icons out for her comm book and frenetically searched through them. Finally selecting the slide, Pepsi, book, tree, and starburst icons, she slathered the whole mess on the this is what is about to happen page in her comm book. Then she gathered up the book and walked out the door with it, cradling it in her arms. She didn't let me see the book of course, but as I was hovering just in front of her, I could see what was going on. I darted back into the house a half dozen times, getting money, Kodi's collar and leash, my shoes! And Laurel waited out front, (link-repeat:"amidst but not with")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We don't need scarlet", "Isn't that special?") (link-goto: "letters to shun anymore.", "the looks") ]] a bunch of neighborhood kids. We walked up to the school and she tried to get in. Alas, it was locked up tight. She pointed to the book icon on her comm book and then the school. Yes! (link-repeat:"COMMUNICATION")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Communication isn't alway", "School success!") (link-goto: "what you expect it to be.", "Catch 22") ]]!!!! NO! I don't have the KEY!!! Communication does not quite yet grasp Sundays in summer. Luckily, on one of my half dozen trips back to the house, I'd picked up Jane Eyre, and Laurel was content to take the book over to the merry go round in the playground. She lay face up, holding the book like a fashionable fan and flipping the pages--upside down. So we played on the playground. Every time I glanced at Laurel, (link-repeat:"Janet urgently needed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Who answered the phone", "attention") (link-goto: "at the zoo?", "Janet's magazine") (link-goto: "A. No one.", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "The lion was busy.", "god's eyes") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Life in the good lane") ]] me to watch her. Janet did cartwheels, loop-the-loops, and (link-repeat:"sunnersalts*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "summersalts") ]]. So Laurel pretty much wandered about and did whatever without supervision. When the sun was kissing the mountains, we made our calm egress through the dust-pink light. Anyway, I just had to tell you guys. I am still so thrilled! I want to just grab this feeling and part it and lock it up in the refrigerator like the friends sourdough starter. And (link-repeat:"have it forever")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Forevertarianism:", "free her.") (link-goto: "When you die in ecstacy--", "Pigeon blood") (link-goto: "and God hits the", "For richer") (link-goto: "continuous replay.", "Rain included") ]]. I cannot keep my hands on the keyboard! Good night. Really, really good night. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "And rejoice") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life in Laurel's lane") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>summersalts<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Janet's spelling -- she says you can only do these in summer, because then you can sweat to get the salts. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life in the good lane") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Life in Laurel's lane<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 6/10/96 18:14 Subject: Another quiet day Celebrate with me! As someone said, "the best is yet to be!" The comm book is still working. Laurel actually gave me the book with the icon for starbursts (a little starburst wrapper) and store on the "This is what is going to happen now" page. Then she handed me my shoes, coat, wallet, and dog leash. These, she has evidently decided, are the primary requisites for any venture on the outside. This is one (link-repeat:"ritual")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Rituals are the only", "zorfs") (link-goto: "ticket we have to", "Flyer") (link-goto: "travel from the profane", "Running again") (link-goto: "into the sacred.", "RITUALS") ]] I can definitely live with! I got the car keys, but Laurel took them out of my hand. So we walked. Laurel chose to head for the Safeway about four blocks away. She even passed up the little (link-repeat:"gas station")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Gas stations are today's", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "equivalent of water holes", "Rescue party") ]] that she likes better. She selected a six pack each of Pepsi and Coke, decided against Doritos and chose a box of Fruit Loops. Shock City! If I've ever bought them, it's been years. We don't shop the cereal aisle at Safeway; Chris gets the bulk cereal at Wild Oats and brings it by for us. So this really was some heavy flexibility. Choosing the least crowded aisle (the one with no cashier), Laurel lay down her basket and headed for the candy machines, leaving me to pay for it all. Surprise! I made sure Laurel brought her fanny-pack, and I gave her her allowance before we left the house. I waited, and coached her to take the basket over to the cashier. She wasn't sure exactly what was expected, but after some prompting, she handed over her wallet. (Oh well, close enough.) She had $5 and change and the tab came to $8 and change. Her attention was waning quickly as she moved toward the beckoning colored gums, so I asked the cashier to take off the Pepsi. She did, gave Laurel the change and receipt (and wallet), and her bag. Laurel waited by the gumball machines, her fingers tracing the long slide inside the clear tube. I led her away. She lunged back inside (for the Pepsi? for something else we'd neglected?). I grabbed her and told her she didn't have enough money. She did not appear convinced, but conceded to the inevitability of my irrationality. Several times, she asked me to carry the bag. I declined. She carried it all the way home after that, even offering it to me and snatching it away, offering and snatching. Janet held my hand and we swung up and down, up and down, in tune with Laurel's antics. At home, Laurel put her things away by herself, and sat down to enjoy "The Muppet Movie." She hummed the rainbow song over and over through the whole thing even before the movie began! I took it as a good sign and hummed right along with her. Ignoring, for the moment, that we were pretty much entirely on Laurel's agenda, and I made almost no demands on her aside from those directly leading to her getting what she wanted, this was a pretty terrific evening. Y'know, no blood and stuff. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life in the good lane") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Money matters") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Janet's essay<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mstegall@cattail.elem.edu From: Janet Murphy Date: 11/26/97 19:19 Subject: My Class Essay Dear Mrs. Stegall, Here is my essay. Having an Autistic Sister Sometimes I do stuff that Laurel my sister does not like. Then she gets upset. These are things I don't know about sometimes like going through the door first when we get home from something. I don't even know she's going to get mad, but she starts chasing me and trying to hit me. She starts crying and yelling. She seems really frustrated. Sometimes she claws me. One of the worst things about having an autistic sister is that sometimes, when they're really mad, (link-repeat:"they'll start going nuts")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What nut is the most", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "dangerous?", "Emergency 2") (link-goto: "A. A cashew.", "As the Grocery turns") (link-goto: "Why?", "once,") (link-goto: "Cashew never know what", "moon skin") (link-goto: "they will do next.", "Can I help?") ]] and clawing and pinching and pulling hair and hitting. And kicking. When she claws me, the way it feels to my mind is like kissing a cat and a dog at the same time ~ while they're both growling. It's yucky and scary. You think the animals are going to get in a fight. So you're scared. When she claws me, I usually try to break away. I either run or I hit her because I am afraid. Later I say I am sorry I hit you. Laurel doesn't say anything cuz (link-repeat:"she can't talk*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "she can't talk") ]]. It's humiliating when Laurel gets mad in public. Sometimes at the store, it's especially humiliating cuz we know a lot of the people there. There have been times when I felt very proud of myself because, when Mom had to deal with my sister at the grocery store, I got to take over the paying and getting the stuff on the list. (link-repeat:"I felt so old and responsible ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Some of us are born old.", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "And some just grow old.", "Grocery shopping") ]] - not like forty years old, but like a big kid. (Even if I was already seven. Seven is big, too. ) A lot of the time, I feel sorry for her because she can't talk; she can't get her message across and so she gets frustrated cuz people don't know what she wants. Sometimes kids say, "At least I'm better than your retarded sister!" I try to say, "She's not retarded!" But they say, "She can't talk and she's dumb. That's retarded." There's one thing they don't know that she does. When they say that, they're actually saying she can't talk, twice, cuz dumb means "can't talk". Sometimes I'm sorrier for them than for Laurel, cuz they don't know what they're saying! Laurel isn't mean. She's very sweet . She blows bubbles at me in the bathtub and we laugh. Whenever I really need (link-repeat:"attention*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "attention") ]], my mom is there. It's just that Laurel needs it more often than I do. I pretty much accept that, but sometimes it's very difficult. One of the best things about having an autistic sister– it's also a bad thing, too–is when you have friends over, they have an excellent time with her, and that feels good because you want your friends to have a good time, but it's bad because you invited your friends over to be with you and it feels a little bit like they're ignoring you. The other day, my best friend (link-repeat:"Carina")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Success") ]] came over and she and Laurel were running around, playing chase, and they were having a great time. I ended up playing video games for about half the visit cuz Carina was too busy playing with Laurel. Sometimes, when I'm on the phone, Laurel starts playing with an extension and pressing the buttons. It's really annoying, cuz my friends think it's me, and hang up. I haven't lost a friend over it yet. Sometimes I have to call my friends back, and I pick up, but he's playing with it, and I think someone'susing the phone, and my friends get mad again. Sometimes, when we're at the pool, (link-repeat:"Laurel really scares me")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. How can you stop", "Running") (link-goto: "from drowning?", "Running again") (link-goto: "A. Stay out of the water.", "Fear") ]] by pushing Mom underwater, then not letting her up. I'm afraid she'll drown. Once she even dunked me! I was so afraid, I almost hit her! </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Smooth skiing") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Success") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Money matters<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 6/29/96 Subject: The cost of raising a child is over $100,000 Is THAT all? You would think it was higher. Sort of like the IRS tax forms: Line A. How much money did you make last year? _________ Line B: Write a check for Line A and send it in. Anyway, this morning, (link-repeat:"Janet")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Normalcy") ]] and I discussed all the work that needs to be done to keep the household working smoothly. (More of a forced discussion, actually. If I could have tied her to the chair wihout (link-repeat:"getting it from the SS")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Whenever the state", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "get's involved, our souls", "Getting down to it") (link-goto: "go out the window", "Catch 22") ]], I would have.) I've informed her that these are not things she gets paid for; she gets money for the things she needs. She cleans her room and looks after her things because she is a person. She helps with the laundry and the dishes because she's a member of this family. She will do what she needs to do to be a member of her school and community. Ahh the lectures in this household. We sat down and figured out what her expenses are: if she were to put one third of her income into savings and donate ten percent to a worthy, charitable organization, and pay for her own goodies and outings, and presents for friends and family, and half of any special classes she wants to take, like karate or dance or drama, and her miscellaneous needs such as hair accessories, bike locks and what not that works out to about $20 per week! I've told her also that I will buy her clothes, but if she paints or cuts or otherwise ruins them, she must pay to replace them. Also, I'll pay for toothbrushes and toothpaste and routine dental attention, but _ she _ pays for cavities. She asked me, "Does this mean Laurel pays for stuff?" I said, well, "Laurel isn't ready to understand the real world yet, so we have to be a bit patient." Janet said, "I like Laurel's world better." Ya know, I almost had to agree! Laurel is treating the comm book like a normal part of everyday life. She got it out and we went to the store again. I tried to go past the convenience store, but Laurel wanted to go in. She selected a Pepsi, some Doritos, and some LifeSavers gummies, and almost walked out the door with them. I signaled to the clerk, who quickly got out of his bulletproof case and stood at the door. (Thank whatever deity is currently in vogue that the store was empty and he could do that!) So Laurel stopped, staring at brightly colored package in her hand and the imposing denim blocking the door. She turned around and handed the clerk her wallet. This, I must say is vocational progress. But she spent a total of $5.06 there today. Another hefty allowance, and she is not doing her own saving, presents, classes, etc. Oh me...I'm not sure I can (link-repeat:"afford Laurel's world")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "A penny for our daily", "Flyer") (link-goto: "bread/ A penny for a", "Then again") (link-goto: "needle/ That's the way", "Out of options") (link-goto: "the money goes--", "Surgery aftermath") (link-goto: "POP goes the weasel.", "Fear") ]]. G'night. I'm going to bed. G'night. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life in Laurel's lane") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Normalcy") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Credits<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 7/4/96 23:08 Subject: Independance Day Muse Happy fourth to all, and to all a good night! Any how is it, life has certainly calmed down in the last month or so. Dad took care of Laurel while I went to work for a couple of hours (a stop-gap, (link-repeat:"temporary driving")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON BLESSINGS") ]] job for a friend...) The comm book is working. We add about four new words a day--Laurel peruses the paper's ads like a pro. We have a watch picture that she sets to match the hall clock (and I thank god every day it is the old fashioned hands and seconds, the numbers would be just too fast to change). The sun gods have smiled down upon us--we have gone for walks on the Highline Canal every day for the past week and have crossed Colorado Boulevard without a single incident. Janet has a new toy--someone showed her how to use an old vaccuum tube to suck crayfish out of the creek without getting any of the water on her or in her. So she sucks them out, touches the claws, says ooooh, tries to get Laurel interested, and then carefully puts them right back in the water. Laurel has gone to Safeway every day this week to buy Pepsi and Doritos. She does not eat them - or rather, she tears open the plastic, places three (link-repeat:"Doritos")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There are some foods", "moon wants") (link-goto: "that even goddesses", "blood talks") (link-goto: "will not touch.", "Somehow") ]] in her mouth, hums "Peanut, peanut butter" with more enthusiasm than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and chomps down hard. Then she leaves the package on top of the refrigerator. And who is to thank for this wondrous interlude? Dr. Morgan credits the (link-repeat:"Risperdal*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "drugs") ]] he prescribed to replace the Clonidine, Ms. Bradshaw thinks it is the good weather, Mrs. Macdougal thinks Social Services has finally gotten to my case, and me, I'm afraid the fragile structure of this peace would collapse under scrutiny. I point blank refuse to analyze. Under no threat of anything. Laurel is going through a bed smoothing phase right now. She takes the sheet and smooths it over her bed, gently rubbing out every single wrinkle. When she gets finished, she (link-repeat:"does it again")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These are the basic", "RITUALS") (link-goto: "patterns in our lives.", "OCD") ]]. She is occupied in this for hours at a stretch. I even bought bath salts the last time we were out. And used them. Morning Mist. And had time to notice something. I am not even bruised anywhere right now. For the first time in ages of months. (Ages of monks? How old are monks, anyway?) Even better - Laurel is not cowering over the cherry bombs and stink crackers resounding in the street. She is simply avoiding the windows. Hoorah, an action to control her environment, as the (link-repeat:"shrinkspeak")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We make our argot to keep", "Sandwiches") (link-goto: "outsiders out.", "Profession") ]] says. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Normalcy") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON BLESSINGS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Normalcy<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 6/29/96 Subject: A chicken in every pot, and a boy for every girl... Hello friends: ) Prepare for yet another installment in the actual (and thus placidly boring tah dah! lives of the silver girls (I could have chosen golden, or platinum, but those were already taken..) This ongoing series is brought to you live via the Internet (What did we ever do without (link-repeat:"e-mail")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Electronics zooming", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "across the country", "the bullshit") (link-goto: "carry far more than", "For the time being") (link-goto: "they realize.", "Social Services") ]]? I can no longer remember...larger phone bills, probably...) Around three today, Laurel decided she wanted to go for a walk, but Janet went into the garage barefoot and got a glass sliver in her foot. After a soak in the tub, Janet allowed me to douse it with Orajel and work it out with a needle and cuticle scissors. (Where do all the tweezers go?) She hummed and bit her thumb while I worked and barely felt a thing. Janet hopped on her bike, and we allowed Laurel to lead us out. It is noteworthy that Laurel chose not to go out until we were ready. She stood at the door with her comm book and pounded the "This is what is going to happen" page against the doorknob, but she didn't actually touch the doorknob until she saw us. When she did, she started off down the street, looking back over her shoulder and coming back when she saw we weren't following. Janet rode her bike, and we brought Kodi on a leash. Laurel walked up Kearney to Yale, then east and into the gas station on Colorado Boulevard when she saw (link-repeat:"we weren't following")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Laurel goes to so", "BORGES") (link-goto: "many places we", "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") (link-goto: "can't follow", "alone.") ]]. Laurel led us across Colorado Boulevard to the park. As we were going across the busy driveways at the shopping center, she(linked arms with me or placed her hand on my elbow. She pushed the button for the walk light at the intersection. Yelling wildly, Laurel made for the slide. She pushed three different kids down the slide. Not violently, just sort of helping. One didn't complain, and the other two complained so constantly about everything that their parents kind of dismissed them. She played a bit, accepted that Kodi did not want to go down the slide...after only fifteen minutes of pushing that poor patient dog up the slide ladder. Then she went off to her large elm in the northwest corner of the playground and spread sand into the knothole, watching it spill down to the ground. When the sun left the tree, Laurel indicated that we would leave by heading back a bit and then waiting for Janet and me to scramble after her. While we were at the playground, Janet met a younger man, a kindergartner, though he was her height. He quickly rushed his hands through his dark cowlick and offered the resulting grime to Janet. They held hands and promenaded around the merry-go-round and finally settled on the seesaw. They exchanged crabapple blossoms before he left, and he drew a heart in the sand. Janet (link-repeat:"raved")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is somehow better", "You mean") (link-goto: "in the abstract", "He means") (link-goto: "not the concrete.", "PRO RE NATA") ]] about his dark blue eyes, thick lashes, and gorgeous nose and informed me he would be back next Saturday. Oh my... Laurel asked for a shower, and actually let me trim her hair for about ten minutes before she took the scissors from me, wrapped them in a wet washcloth, and put them carefully back on the bathroom cabinet shelf at right angles to the cuticle scissors. Her hair is a bit longer on the front/right quadrant, but there's always tomorrow. What interested me is that Laurel was quite resistant until I started talking about how Jack (link-repeat:"Cooper")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Credits") ]] (also a younger man a first grader down the street) thought she was cute. Then she calmed right down. Oh my.... </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Money matters") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Credits") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>comes up<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Today, even (link-repeat:"emergencies")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Panic just isn't", "Emergency placement") (link-goto: "what it used to be.", "Emergency 5") ]] wait in line. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Putting stuff away") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Putting stuff away<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/20/96 23:32 Subject: All the groceries of our lives Getting back to the keyboard to finish up my story. Things are calm now. Laurel is spinning plates in the kitchen, just where I can see her. She looks up at the ceiling and grins about ever three minutes, and her shoulders shrug back into a laugh. Reliving the moment, no doubt. Janet went to bed after the ninty-nth showing of Beauty and the Beast. She wants to be just like Beauty when she grows up, and she keeps putting her hair in that thick-sided ponytail. Her primary goal in life? Not to read and get ahead. Oh no. To sprinkle bird seed and have birds come down on her head. She is all for practicing right now, but I told her Mrs. Pots had already put Chips to bed. And she believed me. For once. Right, back to the tale at hand. I have (link-repeat:"mixed feelings")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If feelings were crimes", "Herculean") (link-goto: "we would all be on", "Beyond anything") (link-goto: "death row by now.", "Death wish") ]] about confessing that, upon our arrival at home, I took Laurel into her room and spanked her. Laurel locked her door herself and stayed in self-imposed exile for about 6 hours. I put away groceries. I called the Dr Morgan, our latest pediatric neurologist, who has had extensive experience with autistic kids. Or at least as much as anyone. And at least he understands that each kid is different. Got the Ellie, the new nurse practitioner. She suggests giving Laurel a higher dose of the (link-repeat:"Clondine*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "drugs") ]] prescribed (at an already ridiculously high dose) last spring. We agree that Laurel is in distress and needs help. They have an opening for an emergency appointment next week, and will call if something (link-repeat:"comes up sooner*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "comes up") ]]. Laurel went to sleep on the kitchen floor, and I just put her soft blanket near her so she can cover up if she wants to. She is sleeping the slep of the dead, the truly exhausted. As I will be in a few minutes. First, I want to wash off my arms and take a long bath the first I have had time for in a long time. I have about 3 dozen bleeding scratches and bruises that won't show fully for days. My arms looked like violent rejects from an octopus-lover. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "As the Grocery Turns") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Doubletake") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Doubletake<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/23/96 20: 04 Subject: Take two. Cut. Retake. I want to write happy and sweet cause it's just nearly dawn, and the birdies are hardyring away wondering where they are going to go this fall, and some idiot ghost of a past voice is singing morning has broken. I think it was my voice. I dunno. I haven't had any sleep--Laurel is still up and I haven't dared sleep while she is raging. The door alarms have gone off twice in the last three hours. So far, I've managed to beat her to it. Typing seems to calm her, although I am not sure about the hum of the computer. So I'll sit and 'splore with you guys. If you've heard it all before, don't bother with the rest of this. The background goes something like this. Laurel is definitely an aborigine from the (link-repeat:"moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You pays your money", "MOON PRINCESS") (link-goto: "and takes your chances", "MOON GIRL") ]]. We all know this, but I give just a couple more recent examples to illustrate my point. The child is one frustrated walkabout. But if I could just figure out why (or even have a half-second warning ahead of time) we wouldn't be so damned stymied. Let me explain. It's the only fun I'm gonna get today. Sunday, Laurel walked up to the (link-repeat:"gas station")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What gas is worst?", "Death wish") (link-goto: "A. Re-gas. (regress)", "Rescue party") ]] and I followed (what choice did I have?) I had no way of knowing where she was going, and I had not had time to grab my purse. Also, Kodi-dog was with us, without a leash. I managed to tackle her and sit on her while holding the dog, but I only managed this at the last possible minute so we were at an awkward place, laying in the doorway, tasting the greasy metal, and blocking all paying customers. Couldn't even call for help, let alone get Laurel anything she wanted. I sent a pleading look at the clerk, asked him to call my buddy Chris. The clerk cheerfully phoned from inside his bullet-proof case. My buddy Chris sent her husband in his spiffy new Jeep, who picked up Laurel and dragged her screaming into the Jeep. To calm her a bit, we shouted the first line of Peanut, peanut butter, which anyone who knows me knows really well. An hour or two later, she walked out again. This time I grabbed my purse before following her. It had been raining, so I sent Janet back to get her raincoat and catch up to us on her bike. She let Kodi out in the process. Laurel took a shortcut, ducking through a gap in a fence too small for the bike. I told Janet to lock it up and join us on foot, but she lost us in the delay. So there I was with Laurel wandering around in a cold muddy field and my unleashed dog, and my seven year old daughter missing. I tried to get Laurel to go back, and she simply wouldn't. She sat on the muddy ground (it had rained hard, with some occasional sleet) in those intervening two hours between trips) and kicked at me. I finally put her in a half-Nelson (as I understand it -- I was never an athlete) and lifted her essentially by her head. She would move forward a few feet before struggling away. We progressed about thirty feet that way before she figured out how to keep my near frozen fingers from getting a purchase on her mud-slippery limbs. Then I grabbed her by the hair and led her, which worked for another twenty feet before she began grabbing me by the hair, ripping off and flinging my glasses. Fortunately, Janet arrived in the car of our cross-the-street neighbor, whose name I still don't know. When she couldn't find us, she had returned home and summoned adult help, directing our neighbor to where she last saw us. By an exhaustive process of pushing, pulling, lifting by the jaw and dragging, I got Laurel into the back seat. It took many minutes. During the whole ride home, she kept snatching at me, ripping out handfuls of my hair. I can deal with the pain, but I really hate that sound. (link-repeat:"Janet told me")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Kids think everything", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "their fault-- this is the", "Escapes") (link-goto: "way they can seize control", "Escapes vetoed") ]] she thought it was all her fault, for letting Kodi out. I told her no way. Laurel goes off sometimes and it isn't anyone's fault. I did ask her to think next time there was a crisis, though, and try to keep Kodi from following as that is just one more distraction. Whew. Talk about mixed messages! Who was it who noted the aggression happens when Laurel ventures anywhere away from a narrowly defined comfort zone (her small classroom, her backyard, her room, her kitchen)? "Tis true. I truly feel that Laurel rages in her walls of frustration at her inability to communicate, and her perception that her needs are being unreasonably denied. C'est trop vrai that she doesn't often get her way, mostly because I don't know what her way is, but often for other reasons--like I haven't brought my purse, or I need to look after Janet, or the dog is with us or some such. I don't think Laurel is aware enough of money or of other's needs and various rules to know more than just "Mom's being mean." When we are home, Laurel can get almost anything she wants. When she needs help with something, she (link-repeat:"can say")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. When is a voice", "After the show") (link-goto: "not a voice?", "My soul") (link-goto: "A. When it's void.", "Can't say 2") ]] "Guh" to ask me to come with her, and show me what is wrong. Fights are nearly always about wanting to go somewhere, and I don't understand. I'm gonna quit typing now and put some calamine lotion on my cuts (No peroxide left, I gotta get stock in a medical company, or at least stock up more) and then wash the mud out of what's left of my hair, see if Laurel is calm enough to go to class so I can get to the preschool and teach. Wonder if they'll ask about the pink stuff? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Putting stuff away") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Just another day") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Just another day<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/19/95 Subject: Once more into the breach, my friends This is being typed right in the wake of the storm, so by the time you read it and get all distressed, I'll probably be fine. We went shopping. I got Laurel everything she wanted until we came to the candy aisle. She wanted Reese's (link-repeat:"peanut butter")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "A. Which nuts make the", "Credits") (link-goto: "best batters?", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "A. Peanuts", "First strike") (link-goto: "(Peanut butter)", "peanut butter") ]] cups. She's violently allergic to peanut butter, but no matter, obviously the thick sweet stuff has nothing to do with the belly-rendering and scream erupting tornadoes later. I offered her Rolos, I offered her Snickers, I pointed out Mars bars and (link-repeat:"Starburst")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Doubletake") ]] and Milky Ways, but I signed our "no" to the Reeses. So she began attacking me. Ham-fisting me in the face over and over. Pulling my hair. Kicking me. She scratched my face up and I was bleeding. She had my blood smeared on her face. (I was afraid I had been so angry I'd hit her without realizing it, in kind of a mini-berserker rage. But it was ok--it was only my blood.) So I told Janet to ask for some tissues and a wet clean up and gave her the credit card to pay for what we had. I hoped wildly it wasn't the maxed out one. You think of the oddest things in the arms of the storm. My plan was to get Laurel out of the store as soon as possible. But Laurel decided she wanted chips and Pepsi, so we were going through the checkout line, period. She still kept roaring and attacking me every minute or so in the check-out line. You'd think the people would have offered to let me go on ahead, but they were kind of busy not staring, I think. Janet handed me back the credit card. Laurel intercepted and threw it at the clerk, barely missing his eye. The clerk calmly took it, noted the numbers, handed Laurel the chips and Pepsi, and I scrawled something out on the piece of paper. You would think this was an everyday occurrence for this guy. Which, I dunno, it might be. I guided Laurel out, all the while she was screaming and throwing herself on the ground and hitting with the Pepsi cans and grabbing my hair or hitting my face. A man came up behind us and said, "(link-repeat:"Your mother loves you")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is just another way", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "of saying there's", "Tobacco shards") (link-goto: "nothing left to lose.", "Death wish") ]]" I have not idea what he looks like or who he was. I couldn't drop my shields for long enough to look at him. I couldn't even wonder at the time why he didn't just get us a damp rag or a pair of cuffs or a circus elephant or something useful like that. We got home and Laurel jumped out of the car and went for me again. I knocked her on the ground, grabbed her hair, pulled her head back and smacked her. I know. Now you all know what an ogre I am. I put her in her room. Then I went and got a cup of cold water, and then unlocked her door. She threatened to come after me, but every time, I'd hold the cup up, and she'd back away. She spends hours a day in the shower, but she does not like getting splashed. God, am I feeling melodramatic and sorry for myself. I want to say I'm sorry for alarming everybody, but I'm not capable of being sorry for anyone but me right now. Nobody's terminally ill. We have a place to stay and food in the cupboard. And, of course, I have all of you, but it's not the same as a real flesh-and-blood shoulder to cry on, or better yet, (link-repeat:"babysitter,")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What did the baby say", "babysitters") (link-goto: "when it was sat on?", "Smokers") (link-goto: "A. Nothing.", "If we do") (link-goto: "Babies can't talk", "dancing") ]], is it? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Doubletake") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "No harm done") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>No harm done<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/25/96 23:10 Subject: Venting. Yesterday, Laurel went walkabout and I followed. I physically kept her from walking out into Colorado Boulevard for about 15 minutes, until Mr.(link-repeat:"Cooper")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Just another day") ]] drove by, recognized the situation, and pulled over. He and I grabbed Laurel by both arms and one foot and shoved her into the car. Then we dragged her into the house, where she pulled my hair, punched and kicked me. I pushed her into her room and locked her in. I owe that couple. Massive major. And I don't even know their first names. But still I am pawing the ground. Snort snort snort, heavy breath, heavy breath, heavy breath (and not all of it from the (link-repeat:"bone-murdering trauma")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This isn't what", "Emergency placement") (link-goto: "Emily meant by", "moon mind") (link-goto: "zero at the bone.", "Rain-blowed") ]] of keeping Laurel from running into a highway at the thick of rush hour). Mostly, I'm mad about the people who honked and swore at me like I was killing my child--and yet offered not their one little pinky to help me save her. Rationally, I suppose what they all saw out the window was a mean mother grabbing any convenient part of an unruly child's anatomy for some ill-tempered venting. They didn't see the age-old drama of mother putting herself in physical danger to save the life of the child. These are the same folks who would applaud a mother bear mauling a host of enemies to save her cub, or a woman shooting an intruder to save her child. But they don't extend that to someone restraining a wild child from hurtling into a highway. Oh, no, if things get that bad, they may reason to themselves (if they reason at all behind the smug little wheels of their Mercedes) then just throw the child away. Don't save it, put it into an (link-repeat:"institution")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Out of sight,", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "out of mind.", "Leaving") ]] and forget about it. After all, once it's there, it won't come back to ask why. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Just another day") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HARM") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>HARM<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The moon never shows the same face twice. She gathers the clouds into veils, concealing her intentions. Or she hangs high after the sun has risen, never relinquishing her place, never content to remain in the bright shadows of the sun. But I know her. In all of her disguises, I know her. And I will brave more than (link-repeat:"Colorado Boulevard")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There are more", "ARKENSTONES") (link-goto: "terrors in this world,", "clouds creep") (link-goto: "Horatio, than are", "No harm done") (link-goto: "dreamed of in your", "dramatical") (link-goto: "moon's philosophy.", "Slip-sliding away") ]] in rush hour, more than the (link-repeat:"OCR")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "OCR is definitley not", "My chains") (link-goto: "akin to CPR", "OCR") ]], more than the (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There are the enemies", "Gestapo") (link-goto: "I have learned to fear.", "Social Services") ]] themselves to ensure that the moon does not conceal my child as she does her face. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IN THE BEGINNING") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Take me for a ride") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Two camps<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: There are political factions among parents of autistic kids. On the one hand, you have the Inclusionists. The platform is basically "Inclusion, period. Forget available therapies, forget reasonable accomodation, forget appropriate curriculum. Inclusion." My kid deserves (link-repeat:"the same rights*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "in after hours") ]] as everyone else. The advantage here is that your child is always in the spotlight, always demanding and getting (link-repeat:"attention*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "attention") ]]. Then you have those parents who say, "My kid can't handle inclusion. Why torture him with noise and activity that overburden his senses? Why mutilate his self-esteem by forcing him to be in an atmosphere where he can never, ever succeed?" This second party dreams of a self-contained environment, designed and furnished for their child's specific needs, with at least two trained staff people to coach specific, functional skills in a time-structure tailored for their child's optimal learning. I guess you could call them the Intensives. The disadvantage is that it is easier to (link-repeat:"shut your child up")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "As my single friends", "Yanking") (link-goto: "say, children should be", "Brown vs Board") (link-goto: "shot and not heard.", "Damned if you do") ]] and never think about her again. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "back", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "back", "show and tell") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Resource letter<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: What I really want to say, I can't. Date: 1/12/97 4:47 –-–-–-–-–-–-–-–– I'm gonna give this to Ms. Bradshaw, district coordinator of Special Education. Then I'm gonna give it to the State Department of Education. Then I'm gonna publish it in a paper–if they'll take it. Your comments, please? To CCSD 4/96 from Sarah Murphy Subject: Laurel Murphy I wish it noted for the record that I feel Laurel's educational program has been driven solely by what resources the district can readily find–not what is appropriate or what could be done with a little effort. There has been no attempt to address Laurel's current level of functioning. She has not been observed by any qualified school staff since 10/16/96. The most appropriate environment has not been questioned. The only question has been, "Who will take her and not do significant damage?" I have contacted everyone I could think of and followed every lead, trying to (link-repeat:"locate resources*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "locate resources") ]]. (link-repeat:"I've found nothing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What always gets lost", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "and never found?", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "A. Time.", "The answer sheet") ]]. I believe that Ms. Bradshaw has made more than the minimum reasonable efforts to identify resources, with the same results. With the prevalence of autistic-constellation disorders dramatically on the rise, this concerns me. I also find it disparaging as to the likelihood of finding appropriate services for Laurel in the future. Either we (and all those we have contacted) have failed to identify the needed resources, or they simply do not exist. The latter possibility should be of great concern to the district. I agree that the minimum immediate requirements are: 1. A school atmosphere with individually designed curriculum, well-trained and supported personnel. 2. Attention to developing communication, social, physical and academic skills. 3. Behavior management programming with least possible use of restraints and aversives, and maximum focus on teaching functional communication, with appropriate reinforcements. 4. Behavior charting by qualified staff, with the goal of recommending less restrictive placement, as appropriate. 5. Transportation to and from educational setting. 6. Opportunity to participate in increasingly integrated settings. 7. As much consistency in staff and routine as possible. Other necessary supports, to be determined may include but are not limited to computer hardware and software, other curriculum materials, other alternative communication devices, and consultation with specialists. Laurel must participate in a loosely structured, integrated environment in her own neighborhood. This will continue the (link-repeat:"critical association with her neighborhood peers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Makes you wonder", "Unwelcome ants") (link-goto: "how many mothers", "Scouting") (link-goto: "fight for peer pressure.", "Bake sale") ]], and provide the peer role-modeling that Laurel needs and deserves. The school may set definite objective criteria for the progression of this component. I would suggest that she be accompanied by a trained one-on-one, and that her readiness to participate be recommended by two observers acceptable to the district, who should also be involved in the training of the integration assistant. Participation should be for no less than four hours each week, in two or more sessions per week. I submit the (link-repeat:"following facts")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do phones", "Yanking") (link-goto: "say to lady cops?", "Profession") (link-goto: "A. Just a fax,", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "ma'am. Just a fax.", "bureaucrazy") ]] for consideration: 1) In Fall of 1993, as a condition of my agreement to have Laurel removed from the neighborhood school (Cattail Elementary) to a center-based program, I specified that Laurel must have some semi-structured interaction with the neighborhood children. Ms. Bradshaw said there would be "no problem with that." There was no follow-up. Laurel was in a room by herself and in fact she did not see other children her own age at any time. 2) In Fall of 1994, the district recommended that Laurel remain in the integrated setting while working on behavioral issues. The school rejected this recommendation. I conceded the need for intense behavioral intervention and allowed the restricted "diagnostic placement" with the proviso that an aggressive plan for rapid re-integration be developed placement" with the proviso that an aggressive plan for rapid re-integration be developed and implemented. This was included in the IEP. No plan was implemented. Laurel again had no contact whatsoever with her peers. This two years without peer contact seriously undermined efforts to improve social skills. 3) In Fall of 1995, Carrie Abbott and Marilyn Lincoln had identified and documented the behaviors that made integration impractical. Programatic facilitation was available, and medical (pharmaceutical) intervention was deemed necessary by all parties, to alleviate the remaining obstacles to Laurel's ability to be successfully integrated. Pharmaceutical intervention was initiated in Feb. 1996. Both Carrie and Marilyn have since documented improvement and have been discussing plans to integrate Laurel into some classroom activities. I submit that the unfortunate change in availability of staff does not reflect on Laurel's ability, need for, or right to integration. 4) Marilyn Abbot has documented that Laurel 's primary mode of learning is imitation. Pro-active planning is critical. We must begin immediately to identify placements for the summer, next school year, and beyond (and, if applicable, additional instruction days to compensate for the lack of programming in the traditional year). The plans must necessarily be more fluid, the further they are in the future; however, these past months have provided ample evidence that availability of suitable programming and qualified staff are not obtained readily or quickly. Moreover, such attention to the long- term will help us focus on Laurel 's progressive goals. I require that Laurel's summer program address the following: 1) Peer integration. 2) Maintenance and improvement (because of lack of traditional year programming and to help prepare for integration) of academic skills. 3) Recreational skills (I suggest an informal survey of the recreational habits of typical 3rd and 4th grade girls: to truly integrate with peers, should Laurel be able to ride a bike? play Nintendo? play Barbies, jacks, football? What do 9 year old girls do?) To ensure Laurel's future, I would like to evaluate the suitability of BD and/or Speech Disorder programs, with an emphasis on skills acquisition rather than correction (reactive programming.) All of the research I've encountered indicates that behavioral problems are largely reduced in such an environment, and that more inclusive settings are more likely to be so oriented. I realize that this is mostly "resource driven", however recent experience leads me to believe that this will be more practical than relying on availability of individuals qualified to create an appropriate program especially for Laurel . Because of the district's failure to identify and provide an appropriate education for my daughter, I was forced to give up my job. Not only is this damaging to my emotional well-being, my social network and my employment record (making it more difficult to obtain future employment), it is also financially devastating. Moreover, it was legally and ethically unconscionable. In addition to loss of wages, I no longer had any time to do errands, and was forced to pay a respite provider whenever I needed to do those things I normally did when Laurel was in school (e.g., groceries, doctor appointments). This also made it necessary for me to (link-repeat:"transport Laurel")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Ladybug, ladybug,", "Job description") (link-goto: "fly away home", "Take me for a ride") (link-goto: "Your house is on fire", "Show biz") (link-goto: "and your children", "No harm done") (link-goto: "are alone.", "WILD MOONS") ]] without another adult in the car, which posed serious hazards because of Laurel 's behaviors, and actually resulted in injury to Laurel and myself on several occasions. In partial recompense, the district will either: A. Compensate me for lost wages, at the rate I was formerly earning: $8.75 per hour for 20 hours per week for each week that the district denied services to Laurel. (I won't claim compensation for the hours I missed when I was called to pick up Laurel early, or the four days during which she was suspended; only a due process hearing would resolve whether it was a permissible suspension, and I'm saving my fighting instincts for more important things) through the date she is returned to an acceptable program. Please note that I do not ask the district to compensate for the time it takes me to find a new job, or for the fact that the need for additional research and development of programs covering the period after the end of the traditional school year severely compromises my ability to seek employment even after Laurel is in programming. In short, I am being almost contemptibly generous even after Laurel is in programming. In short, I am being almost contemptibly generous in this request. B. The district will hire me, retroactive to the date of nonservice and continuing until such time as Laurel is placed in an appropriate program, at the rate of $8.75 per hour for six hours per day, for every instructional day on the traditional CCSD calendar. I submit that the district had already recognized the need for two-on-one staffing for Laurel. Also, that I was called upon to develop and implement a program beyond my qualifications, and certainly beyond what would be reasonable to require of any parent. This partially redresses the damage to my future job qualifications, as it provides an employment history. I might be willing to forgive certain legal violations on the part of CCSD if this arrangement were honored. In any event, I believe that this is the just thing to do. I have researched legal precedent in three states, though I have found no precedent in Colorado. It would be nice if a qualified person from CCSD could evaluate the program I have established for Laurel and provide me with a letter of recommendation for future employment as well as a pat on the back. (I have human needs as well as legal and financial ones, after all.) I wish to acknowledge that the district provided a finances for an aide, Chris Hardy, not technically qualified but familiar with Laurel and psychologically suited to the job, beginning on March 18th. She has acted not only as aide, but as secretary, researcher, and general drudge, working far more than her allotted six hours per day. Without her perspective, social contact and moral support, I can only guess as to what my mental state would be by now. The program suffered for our trial-and-error approach for the first several weeks, and it could not be said to constitute the "least restrictive and most appropriate environment" by any stretch of the imagination. It was not "home-schooling" because it was forced and not voluntary. And it was not "home-bound", because it was not overseen by a teacher. But it was as appropriate to Laurel's needs as we could contrive, under the circumstances. I look forward to meeting with the school representatives so that we can discuss the most appropriate place for Laurel. -------------- Ok guys, should I go on or stop while (link-repeat:"I'm still mad?")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "That the moon", "My soul") (link-goto: "is mad,", "MOON SHINE") (link-goto: "I swear it,", "Hieronymo") (link-goto: "Tis true, tis true", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") (link-goto: "Tis pity,", "THE SOUL SELECTS") (link-goto: "And pity tis", "HYSTERICS") (link-goto: "Tis true.", "GYNATRISIA") ]]? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Aftermath") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "OCR") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>correct reference<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Kinnell, Galway. 1980. "Wait" in Mortal Acts, Mortal Words. Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Going on empty") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>IN THE UNREAL<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files The people were happy with the extra light, and believed that this was all that had been missing. Everything was restored. So they went on, happy with the (link-repeat:"husks of things")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If the shadows of", "Cast of characters") (link-goto: "shadows are merely", "BLOOD DROPS") (link-goto: "points of darkness,", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "what are husks of husks?", "if you understand") ]] that had once been and were no longer. The moon gave up her quest to restore the words to life. Yet she could not give up completely. Someday, somehow, she would find the answer. To safeguard the precious words, she wrapped the moonskin parchment carefully in a silver box and welded the locks shut so it would not open. Then she put the silver box into a slightly larger golden one, then the golden one into an oak box studded with amethyst, then an ebony box studded with sapphires, and finally a box carved from moonstones and lined with the bark of the last moontree. She placed this in the bottom of the deepest sea, so that no one would notice it. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HIDING THE REAL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RESTLESS SEAS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>locate resources<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: I found some great stories though. One woman (link-repeat:"fought the system")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The only thing the system", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "has to fear is", "Video prescription") (link-goto: "the system itself", "1-2 punch") ]] for years not to institutionalize her cerebral palsied, developmentally disabled child. She had six other kids and no job. Finally, she did give in and send the child to an institution. The straw that broke the camel's back? Her washing machine broke and she could not afford to replace it. And the washing by hand was far too much with the child. Social services was willing to pay the $40,000 a year to institutionalize the child, but not the $600 for a washing machine. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "back", "I knew") (link-goto: "back", "Flyer") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "bureaucrazy") (link-goto: "back", "My chains") (link-goto: "back", "Whatcha gonna do") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Going on empty<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: grever@ibr8smtp..archives.org From: Sarah Date: 3/12/97 21: 33 Subject: Need that name again Hi. Remember that poem you sent me about twelve years ago (link-repeat:"bc*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "BC") ]], when I kept thinking I was really depressed and (link-repeat:"desperate*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Desperate") ]] - the one about waiting because second hand gloves and buds out of season and pain will become interesting again? I just shared that with a friend whose daughter did not quite succeed at commiting suicide. I can tell you every word and every line in it, but for some reason I can't remember the author's name. Would you please give me the (link-repeat:"correct reference*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "note on correct name", "correct reference") (link-goto: "back", "Going on empty") ]] so I can credit it appropriately? I think if I were that guy, just knowing how many lives that poem has saved (or how many times it has saved mine) would be enough to keep him completely happy for the rest of his own life. By the way, the (link-repeat:"Depakote")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why did the chicken", "The father") (link-goto: "cross the road?", "drugs") (link-goto: "A. To get better drugs", "Consultants") ]] is not working and the doctor wants Laurel on Lithium starting tomorrow. I need to re-apply for Medicaid because of the possiblity of (link-repeat:"institutionalization")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah, Sarah, pumpkin", "Implement") (link-goto: "eater--had a girl and", "Leaving") (link-goto: "couldn't keep her.", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "Put her in a pumpkin", "Train's booked solid") (link-goto: "shell, and there she", "waiting lists") (link-goto: "kept her very well.", "Smokers") ]], and I need to get in touch with Ms. Bradshaw at the school to go over their special education options one more time. I also want to call the pediatrician tomorrow and ask to have Laurel checked for yeast metabolites and for gliadin anti-bodies. Her behavior is just about as bad as it's ever been. The only way she'll communicate right now is through pain: hitting her head against the wall, pushing me backwards into the wall for a shower, pulling my arm for Doritos and chocolate snack puddings, biting my leg for walks. The back of my head is so matted with blood I haven't brushed my hair in about a week: I just keep pouring peroxide on it. My arms are bruised, dyed to a hideous purple that would just match that bridesmaid dress from Karen's wedding. I can still walk, but the pain lately has begun to spring small little sideshows all on its own. I don't know what to do. I'm numb. Sorry I keep missing your calls. I like you a lot and am not avoiding you. Promise. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Aftermath") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Pain") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Pain<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever Since before I was born, I have dealt with pain in precisely the same way. It's a logic function, really. When you believe premise a, then premise b causally follows. The conclusion stems from the tautology: a = b, b = not c, therefore not c. (link-repeat:"The logic")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It isn't anything", "Mythic origins") (link-goto: "of the sort,", "Bruno") (link-goto: "said Alice,", "Out on a limb") (link-goto: "tossing her curls.", "Profession") ]], my friend, has always been inescapable. Pain is of the mind. The mind refuses to acknowledge the pain. Therefore, there is no pain. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Going on empty") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Continuous replay") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Continuous replay<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever (link-repeat:"Pain is of")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Three blind mice", "Attack time") (link-goto: "see how they run", "Frozen dreams") ]] (link-repeat:"the mind the mind")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "They all run away", "moon mind") (link-goto: "from the moon tonight", "THE SOUL SELECTS") ]] (link-repeat:"refuses to acknowledge")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "who cut off their traits", "Stubbed out") (link-goto: "with a carving knife.", "WILD MOONS") ]] (link-repeat:"the pain therefore")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Did you ever see", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "such a sight in your life", "LOOSE SOULS") ]] (link-repeat:"there is no pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "as three", "Little miracles") (link-goto: "blind mice?", "BORGES") ]]. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Pain") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I will find a way") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________ Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain.

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>I will find a way<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever But sometimes the logic finds a tiny crack in the bars and slowly, grain by grain, escapes into the deep wide wildernesses, leaving only a thin shell of itself behind to guard the pain. And of course, the pain, freed from its (link-repeat:"overly pedantic jailor")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The most secure", "Escaping the storm") (link-goto: "prisons are those", "Isolation") (link-goto: "we make ourselves.", "Just another day") ]], goes on holiday. It cannot afford the south of France, so it settles for a wild beer bash, hauling down keggers filled with hopped up spasms, glugging down warm fire gulps of cheap gallows wine. Then I come in, knocking heads, and bellow: The pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain, therefore there is no pain. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Continuous replay") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "to become") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>to become<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever Chastened, the pain cowers back in its cell for a few moments only. Then it thinks seriously about the situation and decides it is time to become my enemy. It seeps into my body, draping itself sensously around my belly like a diaphonous robe. It settles softly, caressing me, probing for its point of entry. Finding (link-repeat:"the broken spaces")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Fixitarianism:", "If we do") (link-goto: "when you die,", "TRIUMPHS") (link-goto: "your soul understands", "More storms ahead") (link-goto: "thought was broken", "dandelion blood") (link-goto: "worked after all.", "Laughing meds") ]] on my skin, the pain cinches itself into a wire-bound, scarlet silk corset, the kind with the holes taken out to leave room for the nipple clamps and chains. It knows how to ring my body in fire. I have become its slave. The only key I hold is my words, repeated now until the fabric of the sound tears with repetition: Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I will find a way") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "more interesting") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>more interesting<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever We never follow this macabre scene to its inescapable, logical conclusion. Rather, something else becomes far more interesting. Janet finds a butterfly and needs to know if the tiny feathers are what holds it together. Laurel decides that now is the perfect time to make a sand castle using all the salt from the salt shaker, which isn't quite enough, so then she has the sugar and the cat litter on the table too. Laurel spins in the living room, weaving yellow and green streamers into the sun, laughing at the light. Janet wants me to join her in a game of Old Maid. Laurel smiles at the air as she watches me watching her. Our smiles join in over the chorus (link-repeat:"we pretend not to hear")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If you ignore", "The calmness of knowing") (link-goto: "disaster, you can", "Attack time") (link-goto: "at least have fun", "other moons") (link-goto: "until it hits.", "Or if it did.") ]] in the background: </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "to become") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "again only") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________ Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain. Pain is of the mind the mind refuses to acknowledge the pain therefore there is no pain.

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>again only<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever Slowly (link-repeat:"the mantra fades")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What has songs", "Pain") (link-goto: "but can't be heard?", "Continuous replay") (link-goto: "A. A cd without", "GLASS ENDINGS") (link-goto: "a cd player.", "LULLABY") ]] as we snuggle down to watch the Muppet movie again. The pain surfaces occasionally, only to fade at the thicket of words now on continuous replay. It retreats into a darkened den I don't usually think about. We both know, somehow, that it will return. But Gonzo holds Janet's face fast as she sings along with the lyrics: This looks familiar, vaguely familiar. Almost unreal, yet it's too soon to feel yet. Laurel watches, nuzzling my back like a stray fawn, waiting for shadows she can't (link-repeat:"quite remember")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "CELL MEMORY") (link-goto: "Trusting that what", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "you remember", "Memories") (link-goto: "really did happen.", "Anthropophobia") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "more interesting") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "if you understand") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>if you understand<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever If you don't want to be religious, you simply manage to forget that everything has an origin. If you (link-repeat:"can't afford")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When will you pay me?", "messed up financially") (link-goto: "say the bells of", "Money matters") (link-goto: "Old Bailey.", "Time costs") (link-goto: "When I am rich", "credit cards") (link-goto: "say the bells of", "Resourceless") (link-goto: "of Shareditch.", "The great wall") ]] to spend the money on a doctor, or even the two hours it would take for the exam, then you simply manage to forget that pain has an origin. If you understand this, then everything is just hunky-dory for the moment. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "again only") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "pain's true") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>pain's true<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever Because the entire point of pain is to briefly doff its cap to the notion of fair play. Ok, buddy, you had (link-repeat:"plenty of warning.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Wee Willie Winkie", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "runs through the town.", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "Upstairs and downstairs", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "in her nightgown.", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "Rapping at the window", "Social decision") (link-goto: "crying through the lock.", "I knew") ]]. I tried to tell you. Now I can do whatever the hell I want to you. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "if you understand") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "intentions.") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>intentions.<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Memory files Dateline: forever Ignore the pain at your peril. Dance around the problems without admitting that something is seriously wrong, and you will pay the piper in coins you cannot possibly imagine-let alone afford. For pain's entire intentions are to exact the ultimate (link-repeat:"sacrifice")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Brokeitarianism:", "The answer sheet") (link-goto: "When you die", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "your soul cannot", "Rage") (link-goto: "afford the toll.", "Hecatomb") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "pain's true") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "WARNING LIGHTS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>WARNING LIGHTS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> You could invite (link-repeat:"serious trouble")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The touble with rouble", "Death fear") (link-goto: "is its wicked", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "sense of humor.", "fades.") ]] this way. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IN THE UNREAL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Aftermath") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>OCR<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 2/9/97 12:09 Last year, when Laurel was out of school for 7 weeks because no classroom was available, I tried to call the Office of Civil Rights. The (link-repeat:"number was disconnected")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This life has been", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "temporarily disconnected.", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "No further information", "The answer sheet") (link-goto: "is available.", "see it.") ]] and no further information is available. Then I tried to call the Colorado Department of Education. The phone number the Federal agency gave me was incorrect. No further information is available. If you wish to make a call, please hang up and try again. I have an intimate relationship with the disconnect voice recording. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Resource letter") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Resourceless") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Resourceless<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Government debt concept Date: 2/12/97 I got all your good wishes. Thanks guys, for getting those groceries. And all your help. I sent that letter demanding resources in over a month ago. I gotta call and bug them, but they seem to be waiting until the meeting day itself. Also, I am too preoccupied with caring for Laurel to insist on care for Laurel right now. If you know what I mean. It's gonna be a long haul. Needless to say, I have had no income while all this is going on. I had to quit my job. I have been spending quite a bit on academic materials and transporting Laurel to her community activities, and I've had to pay a lot more than usual for respite care (when and if I can get it at all), since I don't have the school days to do my errands. (link-repeat:"Something will provide")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What does the moon", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "invest in?", "MOON SHADOWS") (link-goto: "A. Moonshine.", "MOON SHINE") ]], I'm sure. Janet is doing pretty well. She wants (link-repeat:"an increased allowance")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Deficits are easy to vote", "Money matters") (link-goto: "for, and hard to pay.", "messed up financially") ]]. I explained to her the difficulties we are in. She said, well, the government does it, why can't we? Smart kid. I think I'll send her over to the President for some budget lessons. (Then again, given his rep, maybe not). </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "OCR") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Resourceless") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Isn't that special?<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 2/17/97 15:43 Subject: IEP Vocabulary I'm reading over Laurel's IEPs and other forms. Just to see if there is any way we can get help NOW, this year, this minute. Every other word in this thing is "special." Special needs, special education, special considerations. Most of us have learned to hate the word "special." It's kind of like the takeover of the word "gay." Remember when the gay nineties meant the boating parties, the Degas and Renior strokes of lovely, wealthy people enjoying the innocent sun, the happy flowers, the blushing water? Now all gay means to those scared people is the spectre of death by AIDs, of alternative lifestyles they don't want in their neighborhood cafes. Special once conjured up images of scrapbooks, crushed roses from special nights. Then it traveled into the realm of blue plate specials and sank even further into the (link-repeat:"euphemistic depths")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Words search desperately", "ADD") (link-goto: "for meaning,", "Autism") (link-goto: "but finding sound,", "books") (link-goto: "rest content.", "Sandwiches") ]]. "Special" now means "we don't want her here." Or am I (link-repeat:"being paranoid*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "being paranoid") ]]? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Resourceless") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "They say") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>ROTFL<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Roll On The Floor Laughing Roll Over The Falls Laughing Run Out of The (link-repeat:"Fricking Looney-bin")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the difference", "leave her again") (link-goto: "beween a loon", "Leaving") (link-goto: "and a lunatic?", "being paranoid") (link-goto: "A. Loons eat too much", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "grass, and lunatics", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "smoke too much grass.", "Smokers") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "They say") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>They say<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 2/19/97 13:09 Subject: Somebody get a doctor–my sense of humor is terminally ill. A couple of us were chatting in the AOL chat room the other day and someone typed in that handicapped kids were handicapped because their parents were weird. He/She/It went on to say that this was so obvious, because these parents would do things like laugh hysterically into answering machines, pull their kids out of school for no reason whatsoever, and etc. and etc. This would have probably gone on for a long time, but we were all so busy typing in (link-repeat:"ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "ROTFL") ]] as fast as our giggling fingers would carry us that we paid him/her/it no mind. Every one knows it is the other way around. Handicapped kids come with your choice of menus: either take the world seriously and crack up from the insanity juxtaposed upon reality or develop an extremely macabre sense of humor. Unfortunately, every example of humor that struck us as funny struck him/her/it as extremely weird. Sigh. Some days you can't (link-repeat:"win for losing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why did the chicken", "4 to 1") (link-goto: "cross the road?", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "A. Because someone said", "Night moves") (link-goto: "You can't get", "Sandwiches") (link-goto: "there from here.", "uneventful") ]]. (Or doesn't anyone else find that remotely funny?) </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Isn't that special?") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>WHAT THE MOON FORGOT<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The moon once revelled in her creation of water and glass that circled like soap bubbles in an endless dance of chaos ~ reflecting the moon's beauty in the silvery prisms of infinite light. This dance continued for uncounted eternities, until the moon tired of her reflection, and wanted something new. She stared at the dance until (link-repeat:"everything shattered")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Humpty Dumpty", "PRAYERS UNANSWERED") (link-goto: "sat on a wall.", "Continuous replay") (link-goto: "Humpty Dumpty", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "had a great fall.", "bones") (link-goto: "All the moon's horses", "glass") (link-goto: "and all the moon's men", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "couldn't put Humpty", "MOONBLOOD") (link-goto: "together again.", "shut downs") ]] into a million, billion stars, each pulling at the tiniest particles, making their own myriads of microcosms. The fragments went on dancing, and the moon watched until (link-repeat:"she had forgotten")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Lethetarianism:", "moon cd") (link-goto: "When you die, your soul", "MOON GIRL") (link-goto: "forgets everything.", "Memories") ]] that her creation had once been whole. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IN THE UNREAL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Aftermath") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>being paranoid<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Is it really that people want to shut Laurel away and throw away the key? Is it that (link-repeat:"they stare")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "How can I know people's", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "motives when I can't peel", "No harm done") (link-goto: "inside their heads?", "the looks") ]] because they don't know what else to do or that they are truly affronted by Laurel's existence? I don't know, does this happen to other people or (link-repeat:"am I just me? ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Are they walking up to me", "Vanity") (link-goto: "or are they avoiding me?", "Who can she be") ]] </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Isn't that special?") (link-goto: "back", "ROTFL") (link-goto: "back", "ADD") (link-goto: "back", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "back", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "back", "Loose wire") (link-goto: "back", "MOON GIRL") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>RIDING THE FLOOD<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files And the flood of words spilled out from the moon in great joyous torrents, sweeping over the world in cascades of the dark secret moonblood, the sacred red life seeds. And then the blood came crashing in on wave upon wave. The people understood everything, from the tiniest charmed particle to the largest quasar, from the humblest diatom to the grandest galaxy. And everyone cheered as the moon shared her knowledge freely. And the words would (link-repeat:"be there forever")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Words contain the", "Once again,") (link-goto: "illusions of substance,", "REPETITION") (link-goto: "the dream of meaning.", "bridges") (link-goto: "But the sound is fleeting.", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") ]] ~ showing each generation what it was to live in the world. What it was to be. And the world rejoiced. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "AFTER THE FALL") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Thin bridges<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> From the Autism Web, 6/1/97 23:17 >Sarah, I hope that things might slowly...slowly fall into place >and maybe Laurel and the autism folks could make a miracle, they >could make it so she could either come back home or even live there, but >be happy visiting and be better equipped to cope with all that bothers her >What a run on sentence. > I'm sorry. I hope I made some tiny bit of sense. I'm tired and I almost >feel a little overwhelmed and a bit helpless. I read Jackie's tale of woe about the >troubles with her son's school--they are sure the problem is parental and refuse > to continue any programs until Jackie gets help-- today and I feel helpless >there too. I hate (link-repeat:"helplessness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Helplessness is...", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "needing more", "As the Grocery turns") (link-goto: "and finding nothing.", "Running again") ]]. > With Love... Answer: Me too. Helplessness is the suckiest thing. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Leaving") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Can't say 1") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>AFTER THE FALL<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files And as the flood abated and the sea of words resolved itself into the regular ebb and flow of waves on the rocks, it became apparent just what the moon had done. For the words held the substance of what was once the world ~ and the world was drained of its joy. For nothing can be in two places at once. The choice is between the (link-repeat:"shadows of words")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we know are", "wash over me") (link-goto: "only the things that", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "we can't communicate.", "Into our own hands") ]] and the things themselves. And the (link-repeat:"moon's blood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The trouble with blood", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "is that you never", "moon flesh") (link-goto: "know whose it is.", "Frozen dreams") ]] was so powerful that the things became words alone and left only the dead shadow husks of themselves behind. The people saw that they had (link-repeat:"lost something precious")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It is the forgetting", "MOON SHADOWS") (link-goto: "what you are looking for", "MOON CYCLES") (link-goto: "that makes you loss", "MOON PRINCESS") (link-goto: "irrevocable.", "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") ]], but could not remember what it was. So they sacrificed to the moon, once and then one hundred fold. Still, the moon could not return the lost substances. And the moon wept. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RIDING THE FLOOD") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Electronic madness<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/2/97 23:25 Subject: Unfinished electrons I keep meaning to keep you guys informed, but watching Laurel takes every second I have right now. For instance, I finally took a shower for the first time in about three weeks. Laurel was actually asleep (or near enough, I think I told you that right now she sleeps with her eyes wide open. She will lie still for about a half hour before bolting upright in bed. After that, she'll either get up or lie there some more.) Anyway, yesterday noon Laurel had been down for 15 minutes, so I figured I had time for a 10 minute shower. I get the shampoo in my hair, lathered up through my fingers when I hear the door open and close. I ran out of the shower, grabbed a towel and the car keys and headed down the street. Mrs. Macdougal came out and threatened to call the cops for my indecent exposure, but I ignored her, gathered up Laurel about two houses from the witch's yard, and came back. I still have the shampoo (link-repeat:"in my hair*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "hair") ]]. Anyway, this is the fourth time I've written this letter. And I think the last six letters I actually finished went somewhere off into the netherworld of cyberspace. (I didn't get any answer, at any rate.) Serious question folks, where do the squiggly little lines go when they die? Do words have souls? Or is it the word itself that has a soul and not the specific instantation of it? Funny how we cling to the Internet like a lifeline just because it is possible to snatch a few minutes and write something when snatching a few hours to see you is so far out of the orbit of questionable reality. And then when the lifeline snaps, it doesn't even have the decency to tell you or to look at all shame-faced. Capricious little things, these boxes with telepathic green men that have invaded our lives without full disclosure and consent. Anyway, what I wrote, what is missing, isn't something I can readily call back. It was all my thoughts and understandings and little tidbits of an earlier version of (link-repeat:"reality")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Reality is for those", "After the show") (link-goto: "who are allergic", "HOLD NO HOPE") (link-goto: "to drugs.", "Advocrazy") ]]. Can y'all go saddle up the horses and round them up in the vast lost reaches of the cyber frontier? I'd be mighty obliged to ya. You'll know the ones I want because they were all shiny new, with odd-shaped edges. Nothing at all like tears. Which are round, and not so shiny, in case anyone out there forgot. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bad circuits", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "Bad circuits", "Once again,") (link-goto: "Bad circuits", "shut downs") (link-goto: "Bad circuits", "wash over me") (link-goto: "Bad circuits", "leaving only") (link-goto: "Bad circuits", "to return") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>ARKENSTONES<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files The stories skirt around the issue; they do not name it. And then the tales came to me in a dream, or maybe a time that was not a dream. I approached an altar, and I saw a (link-repeat:"book")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "note on Book of Thoth", "Book of Thoth") ]], worked in silver thread, written in the moon's own blood. I knew it then. This is the stone treasure the dragon kept watch over, waiting lest anyone approach. This is what all men (link-repeat:"search for")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If we admit we do not", "You follow") (link-goto: "know what we are", "Memories") ]], though they call it different names: the grail, the golden apples, the ark of the covenant, which disappeared in the destruction of the temple. This is what Laurel needed, the thoughts she was (link-repeat:"so frightened of")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we understand most,", "moon skin") (link-goto: "we fear most.", "blood talks") ]], at the end. With this gift, I understand. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat: '<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONBLOOD") ]]] (link-repeat: '<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IN THE BEGINNING") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Emergency 2<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis city part 2 Date: 1/7/97 17:34 When we got into the room, the janitor, Mr. Samson, had Laurel in a head/arm lock in her chair. The veins in his arms stood blue against the white smooth ivy skin as he held her tight. Samson's face was a cold mask. He tried to speak, and just sputtered for a minute. Then he stood up slowly and started, "I've been a (link-repeat:"punching bag")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is black and red", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "and light all over?", "blood talks") (link-goto: "A. The moon after", "Emergency") (link-goto: "she's been hit", "Any other questions?") ]]." He walked out of the room stiffly, looking back at us at all times. "I'll..." But that was all he said. I have no profound closing comment. I needed to tell someone. If someone out there (link-repeat:"has answers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "FinalExamitarianism:", "Mythic origins") (link-goto: "When you die,", "Out of options") (link-goto: "your soul finds out", "Uncertain") (link-goto: "all the answers", "The answer sheet") (link-goto: "were wrong.", "Alternatives") ]], or questions, or sympathy, or even criticism, I'll take it gratefully. (Not quite as gratefully on the criticism.) </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 3") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>HANDING DOWN DOOM<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files And so the moon kept on giving her words, her world to person after person. Each would go mad in their fashion ~ until people no longer gave any credence to madmen. The people hid themselves from the moon's touch ~ afraid of remembering what they once knew, afraid of knowing what they missed. So the moon decided to create her own daughter, who might have the strength she lacked. So she took my blood and fashioned Laurel. She mingled our cells together, sculpting the crescent nose, high arched eyebrows, long brown hair that shone (link-repeat:"Dark")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") ]] in the moonlight. She played with the ganglia, the nerves from in each part of her running together in cloud patterns to mirror the sky. And waited while I (link-repeat:"gave birth")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Only through Laurel's", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "birth could the moon", "Before the child") (link-goto: "give substance to", "After the child") (link-goto: "her shadows.", "not born") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>IT MUST BE WRITTEN<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files And the moon revelled in the rhythm of the seas. She rejoiced at the people's happiness--at the splash of the whale's tail, the flick of a cat's eye. She knew, however, that nothing lasts forever~the rapture came from nothingness and would go back to nothingness sooner or later. So she vowed to write it all out~to keep it for posterity. She tried first to describe the world in a single word~but the word became too powerful. So she carefully excised it from all memories--even her own~and began again. This time, she wrote on (link-repeat:"pages* of pure light")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Book of Thoth") ]], using the tips of passing clouds to press the words quickly, quietly into sky. But the words melted as the earth shifted below her, scattering the light. The moon decided to look for something a little (link-repeat:"more substantial")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Substance is in the mind", "is captured") (link-goto: "--and the flesh--", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "of the beholder.", "Underlying truth") ]]. She tried first one plant, then another. First one ink, then another. First fire, then wood, then rocks. Nothing held the words. The writing was nothing like what she had envisioned. It was merely a shadow of the way things were. But she could not give up. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "THE MOST PRECIOUS") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "IN THE BEGINNING") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "Into our own hands") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "IN THE BEGINNING") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOST PRECIOUS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>FLOOD OF WORDS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files Words flowed from the moon's blood onto the neatly cut pieces of skin. And the moon thought of everything ~ from the soft brush of moonlight on the tip of a gulls wing to the wide curving lips of the earth as it met her each night. She followed rivers to the sea, chronicling each facet on each water-polished rock, each silvered scale on each slippery hidden minnow. She sent the wind to count, and the wind ruffled through each person's hair, numbering the strands. Her pen marked the curves in each branch, the way each sparrow bounced up and down on its claws ~ first curling to face one way and then with a feather flick facing the other. All these things the moon wrote. (link-repeat:"And more.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "water falls") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "water drowns") (link-goto: "Water", "MOON CYCLES") (link-goto: "Water who", "BLOOD DROPS") (link-goto: "Water you want", "wash over me") ]]. Until the words themselves outnumbered the grains of sands on the beach. Until the moonskin parchment overflowed and the moon's blood flooded the land. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOST PRECIOUS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RIDING THE FLOOD") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Can I help?<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Reach out and touch someone Date: 3/20/97 12:32 We had been inside for about two weeks solid. I finally scraped together a loan from a friend when we started to eat flour and water pancakes spiced with oregano. The cupboards offered nothing else. So Laurel and I ventured out to Safeway. The trip in the car was fine. No worries. We managed to get a TON of groceries, Laurel held my hand and protested only once, when I passed up the Pepsi. She put it in and we went on. I thought it a small price to pay for peace. It was only as we were heading for the car that Laurel started in. I'm not sure (link-repeat:"what sin I committed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It is the sins", "Bruno") (link-goto: "of the mothers", "The storm") (link-goto: "that do the", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "most damage.", "Death wish") ]]. It was heinous, though, and Laurel was protesting for all she was worth. We got about 20 feet out of the main Safeway entrance - where everyone who was anyone seemed to be that day. Laurel wrenched herself out of my carefully-tutored hold and threw herself in a writhing, shrieking mass on the ground. My attempts to regain a hold cost me some hair and a chip off one tooth. I simply could not get her up. I determined that my best option would be to back off, signal the traffic to drive around her, and wait until she calmed down. (link-repeat:"Everyone stared")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why did the freezer", "the looks") (link-goto: "need ear plugs?", "Or if it did.") (link-goto: "A. Because the eyes were", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "screaming (ice cream).", "show and tell") ]]. That's not a trite statement; I mean at a rate of twenty drivers and maybe sixty pedestrians a minute, every single person bar none stared. They whispered. They pointed. My eyes burned. My stomach churned. My brain felt like it would split with all the things I wanted to say. And then I heard the voice. "Can I help?" it said. The woman stood not two feet away. I have a vague impression of a slight, blond creature, her hair making a halo around a face I couldn't see through a haze of unfallen tears. I imagined the damage my precious tazmanian devil would do to this small naive creature. I couldn't risk the lawsuit. But somehow my voice found the courage to ask, "Could you please just stand here with me? So I don't have to be alone?" We stood there, on the asphalt. And I let out all those things I'd been aching to say to the staring faces: "She's big for her age, and she's autistic. She's not a brat. (link-repeat:"She's frightened and she can't explain why")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. How does the moon", "Flyer") (link-goto: "like her eggs?", "other moons") (link-goto: "A. Terri-fried.", "bones") ]]. The world doesn't make sense to her. She just needs to feel safe. . . ." And slowly, an amazing thing began to happen. The staring faces stopped looking judgmental and condemning and cold. Each and every one of them was thinking that they wanted to help – they just didn't know how. They were afraid they'd embarrass me, or get in the way. This angel had the grace to speak for the good heart in all humanity, and to let me hear them. After eight and a half minutes - it sounds like no time at all, but believe me, it's forever when your kid is lying in the middle of a busy intersection – Laurel calmed down and I walked her to the car. The angel went into the store. She only said those three words. And I wouldn't recognize her face if I saw her again. I'd rather hear "Can I help?" than "I love you" any day. Those are the three most beautiful words in the world. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social decision") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Flyer") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Success<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: My braggy Christmas letter Date: 11/18/97 19:45 Dear folks, This is one year that I can follow in the sacred tradition of crowing and boasting at this time of year. Mrs. Stegall, Janet's second grade teacher, asked Janet for a special essay on "her special sister." I almost gagged, but let Janet come up with something and send it in. Mrs. Stegall is going to print it in the school newsletter and use it as a shining example of student writing. She even suggested putting Janet in a gifted and talented class. She says that the (link-repeat:"regular classroom*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "regular classroom") ]] won't allow Janet to reach her full potential. Janet says she wants to go to it because her best friend Carina is in it. I said fine. Janet can write quite well when she puts her mind to it - she would write a paragraph or so, go out to jump rope, come back in, go hang out on the tree (even in this frost - I think she talks to the (link-repeat:"snow gods")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Who do snowmen", "snowvoice") (link-goto: "pray to", "PRAYERS UNANSWERED") (link-goto: "when they melt?", "Death wish") ]] or something and they keep her warm). Then she would write a bit more. I asked her where she learned this piecemeal approach to writing, and she said, from you mommy. Which, when I look at (link-repeat:"things around here")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What did the needle", "BLOOD DROPS") (link-goto: "do for the quilt?", "Hieronymo") (link-goto: "A. She kept the pieces", "Tobacco shards") (link-goto: "in stiches.", "BONES KNOW") ]], is nothing less than the absolute truth. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Janet's essay") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Escapes") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>she can't talk<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: There are advantages to having a (link-repeat:"sister who can't talk")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Whoever said", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "Talk is cheap", "After I") (link-goto: "obviously never paid", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "a speech therapist.", "pre-verbal") ]]. When Jane was three, I asked her, "Who wet your pants?" and she said, "Laurel did it!" </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "back", "babysitters") (link-goto: "back", "First strike") (link-goto: "back", "MOON GIRL") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>regular classroom<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: I've got two kids. Neither one fits with her regular class. The difference is: Laurel is labeled "autistic", so she is (link-repeat:"failing the school")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "After a trying year,", "Video prescription") (link-goto: "Janet brought home a", "Reasonable alternatives") (link-goto: "report card full of O's.", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "She said that the teacher", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "ran out of stars and", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "was substituting moons.", "Emergency 4") ]]. Janet is labeled "gifted", so the school is failing her. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "When you knew") (link-goto: "back", "Success") (link-goto: "back", "Forget-me-nots") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Sidestreaming") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>disappearing from view<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: When I took (link-repeat:"Janet")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Escapes") ]] to her schol after I dropped Laurel off, I asked her what she thought when Laurel was so violent. Was she scared? "A bit," she said. "It means you have to pay a lot of attention to Laurel, it means that you could get hurt worse sometimes if I am there. So I run downstairs and watch tv." We were quiet for a moment, watching the traffic pass us. When we stopped at a red light, Janet added: "I try to be the person on the tv. I try to pretend that what is going on upstairs is just another channel. It is just more and more fake blood. I watch a comedy and pretend that I have changed the channel upstairs, too." I reached over and squeezed her hand. "(link-repeat:"I do that too,")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Remotecontrolitarinism", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "When you die,", "again only") (link-goto: "your soul gets to play", "Rain-blowed") (link-goto: "with the universe's", "people") (link-goto: "remote control.", "DENIAL") ]]" I said. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Escapes") (link-goto: "back", "Aha") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>understand this<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: I was snuggling with Janet on the loving room couch and asked her what she felt when I had to spend so much time with Laurel. Was she mad? "I dunno," she said. We snuggled more in silence. I picked up Little Women and started to read the part where the Alcott sisters give up their Christmas breakfast for the Hummels. Janet put her arm on my hand, preventing me from turning the page. "No, I can't be mad. Laurel's sick and she needs you. If I were that ill, (link-repeat:"would you still love me")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "Rain included") (link-goto: "Always being there--", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "No matter what.", "On second thought") ]], too?" Her eyes grew big and she turned her head up to me. "Janet, I will love you and Laurel no matter what happens." I vowed. "Good then." she said. And we kept on reading. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Escapes") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "On second thought") (link-goto: "back", "god's eyes") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Escapes<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Looking for ways out Date: 5/15/96 19:45 Laurel's escalating violence in the grocery stores, parks, and cars has made me desparate not only for her safety, but for Janet's. Janet is great about (link-repeat:"disappearing from view*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "disappearing from view") ]] when her presence is just another threat on the horizon. Her uncanny sixth sense lets her appear just in time to take over some of the necessary functions of life (like paying the cashier for our groceries or answering the door and keeping our sanctity safe from random Jehovah's witnesses, newspaper collections, and Amway distributors). Still, I can't help thinking she'd be (link-repeat:"better off elsewhere")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What goes and goes", "The final shot") (link-goto: "and stays at home?", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "A. A river", "On an orphan train") ]], especially right now. It can't be good for any child to see her mother holding down her sister (no matter what the provocation, and believe me, I have much more provocation than most). It is also probably pretty frightening to see me with blood running down my neck and shoulders or missing chunks of hair. (At any rate, if I saw someone looking like me, I'd be terrified). To put the final cap on it, I can't give Janet (link-repeat:"the attentions")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "attention") ]] she needs. I think she (link-repeat:"understand this better*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "understands this") ]] now that she is older, but I feel horribly guilty when I can't spare the time for her. (link-repeat:"Who can she be*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Who can she be") ]] if she grows up like this? I called my sister, Kelly, last night and asked if she and her husband and her 8-year-old daughter would take Janet for a while. She said they'll talk it over and get back to me. But now they live in Riverside, CA, which is gang-ridden and smoggy, and 1,200 miles from here. I'm not sure what I feel. I think she would be happier. I'm not sure I would be. This may be the temporary answer we all need. But somehow, I can't see sending my kids away. Not either of them. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Success") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Escapes vetoed") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>attention<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: How many children do I have? I'm going to have time for Janet. But Laurel needs me right now. I keep hearing about how urgent Laurel's situation is, how intensive, early intervention is the only hope for her. And there is hope, I am assured. But it takes a lot. Either it's expensive, or it takes every waking moment, or both. But (link-repeat:"she'll get better")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Is hope our only", "Little miracles") (link-goto: "saviour--or is it", "Real words") (link-goto: "the true enemy?", "We take our destiny") ]]! Just do the Lovaas program every waking moment for a year! Just put her on Super NuThera, and DMG and melatonin... and inositol. Just find an opthalmologist who prescribes Irlen lenses! Just get AIT! Just spend $4,000 on neurobiofeedback! Just do the SonRise program! Just find a doctor who'll prescribe Secretin... or Ritalin... or Risperdal. Do a (link-repeat:"rotation diet*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "diets") ]]. Learn to cook without any wheat or dairy products. Just do this for a few months, or a few years, and she'll be fine. Then you'll have time for your other child. And maybe that happened for other kids. But it never happened for Laurel. And all Janet's ever known is "just wait. . .just wait. . .just wait. . . ." </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "back", "Escapes") (link-goto: "back", "Janet's magazine") (link-goto: "back", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "back", "Smooth skiing") (link-goto: "back", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "back", "the looks") (link-goto: "back", "Two camps") (link-goto: "back", "URL") (link-goto: "back", "Then again") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Who can she be<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Janet and I were walking out by the Highline canal, and Laurel was peacefully running in circles beside us. I asked Janet who she was, (link-repeat:"how did she define herself")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Whom the goddess", "Vanity") (link-goto: "would destroy,", "Forget-me-nots") (link-goto: "she first would define.", "Dried roses") ]] at school? She said that sometimes at school she would say she was Laurel's sister, because everyone knew Laurel. The teachers would say, well, you certainly are as pretty as Laurel. (link-repeat:"One old witch*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Old witch") ]] told her that she was so much better behaved that there was no way that she and Laurel could be related. I asked Janet again, who she was. Who would she be without Laurel? Janet shrugged and waded into the shallow part of the canal, reaching for a cattail. Snapped it off with a force that left half of the roots exposed. Twirling it like a baton, she came back to me. I define myself as Janet Murphy that's all I can say, she said, and twisted the cattail very slightly, so a velvet explosion of seeds emerged and spilled off her hand. I asked her who Janet Murphy was. She blew the seeds toward the sun, toward Laurel. I dunno, she said. Maybe just: Spelling bee champ. The girl with the purple toenail polish. The kid with the best time on the 50 yard dash. The kid that Amanda always picks on. Laurel watched her as the millions of seeds blew out from the single stalk, fascinated. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Escapes") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "being paranoid") (link-goto: "back", "Cast of characters") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Old witch<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: She must obviously be related to (link-repeat:"the moon herself")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The blood madness", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "of the moon", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "runs in all of us.", "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Who can she be") (link-goto: "back", "Can't say 1") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "DENIAL") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "darkness") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Escapes vetoed<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Burning the escape hatch Date: 5/16/96 19:45 I talked it over with Janet last night, long after her bedtime. My sister Kelly would be happy to take Janet for the summer, maybe even for next year. This would ensure that Janet doesn't get hurt in the cross fire, and that she can do (link-repeat:"normal things*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "normal things") ]]. Janet flatly refused. "I can't live without you, Mom" she said, crossing her arms and frowning back into her pillows. I asked her why. "I can't sleep without a hug at night from you. I need your protection." Janet wriggled around until she could lay her head in my lap and look up at me. I asked her from what. She thought about it for a while, her eyes closed. "From everything. From mean Mrs. McDougal down the street. From the ghost trees in the park. (link-repeat:"From the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The most dangerous things", "TRIUMPHS") (link-goto: "are the ones you", "MOONSISTERS") (link-goto: "have never dreamed of.", "Hecatomb") ]]." I held her close. Looks like we aren't going anywhere, folks. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Escapes") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Janet's magazine") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>normal things<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Normal things, like collect beanie babies, play Power Rangers, put on pink and purple nail polish, dye her hair magenta and green. You know. Everyday kid stuff. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Escapes vetoed") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Random mixup<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Introductions Date: 11/18/96 23:27 I picked Janet up from first grade the other day. It had been an aggressive day for Laurel, so we were just taking it easy and mellow, walking around slow. I walked Laurel into the playground as I was just a bit early and we both waited for her class to come out. As Laurel had the playground all to herself, she went up the slide and back down, up the swings and back down, on the see-saw and back down, in a regular, monotonous circuit. Each step was precisely the same length, each action precisely the same - (link-repeat:"a playground ritual")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Rituals are the only", "OCD") (link-goto: "way we can keep", "Life in Laurel's lane") (link-goto: "change from moving in", "Running again") (link-goto: "and destroying our life.", "RITUALS") ]]. The kids came streaming out of the double doors and Laurel got frightened. So she quickly completed her last circuit and came over to me, trembling. She started to flap her arms and hum loudly, tapping her forehead into my upper thigh. Janet and a few girls from her class walked over to us. "Who is that?" a girl asked, twirling a strand of her peach and grape colored hair. "That is my sister, Laurel" Janet said, her arm on Laurel's possessively. "What's wrong with her?" was the next query. Janet launched into the whole spiel: "There is nothing wrong with her. She just has (link-repeat:"autism")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the difference", "Autism") (link-goto: "between the Mad Hatter", "Flyer") (link-goto: "and autism?", "When you knew") (link-goto: "A. One is always in the", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "middle of tea, and", "I knew") (link-goto: "the other always has", "Unwelcome ants") (link-goto: "T in the middle.", "Video prescription") ]]. Autism is when someone takes out your brain, puts it in a blender and tries to put it back in and connect everything up, but gets it all wrong." I couldn't have said it better myself. The girls said, ok and wanted to know if Laurel had any of the latest Power Rangers or Pogs and if so would she share them. I said no, but offered to bring in cookies. This was acceptable to all concerned. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Janet's magazine") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Helpfulness") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Janet's magazine<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah From: Sarah Re: Memory files Date: They tell you kids learn to love to read if they see their parents reading. Janet almost never saw me without a book or magazine in my hands. I read everything the library had on autism. Then I subscribed to the Autism Society newsletters, and the Autism Research Review. Janet would ask what I was doing, and I'd tell her about the (link-repeat:"fascinating book or article")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "attention") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "Rita", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "Rita who?", "Train's booked solid") (link-goto: "Rita my book, or else!", "SOLE REMEDY") ]] I was reading. One summer day, Janet came up to me as I sat reading on the steps. She pulled something invisible out of the imaginary pocket of her diaper and commanded, "Read this!" "What is it?" I asked. "A magazine," was her calm reply. "What's it about?" "ME!" (link-repeat:"I got the message.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why do we need to", "I get the message") (link-goto: "be conked over the head", "Real words") (link-goto: "to listen to each other?", "MOONSISTERS") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Escapes vetoed") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Random mixup") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Helpfulness<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: With help like this, who needs enemies? Date: 11/18/96 23:27 Laurel is finally (link-repeat:"out of the cast")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Will anyone ever", "Show biz") (link-goto: "take off the cast", "After the show") (link-goto: "on Laurel's soul?", "lucky") ]] and her leg is fine. She twirls around in the middle of the loving room floor until she is too dizzy to stand. Then she plops down anywhere and sits quietly. I think I can still see her eyes spinning sometimes. Anyway, Janet has taken a motherly interest in seeing that Laurel stays healthy. She has devised an exercise program. At first, I thought this was cute and sweet and utterly harmless. It seems I still have a lot to learn about children (and here I thought I was in the advanced class). Janet is teaching Laurel how to climb walls. You start with one foot on the air vent, put both hands on the walls, put other foot up on the wall, use that to prop yourself up, and presto! all four digits are on a vertical surface. From there you can climb over to the sofa, bounce a couple of times, and come down on the other side of the wall. If you push yourself off the sofa at just the right angle, you can safely propel yourself to the floor and declare yourself a champion wall climber. If you (link-repeat:"miscalculate the trajectory")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Do steaks cost so much", "we won't") (link-goto: "because they are", "delete keys") (link-goto: "related to mistakes?", "the truth") ]], you will not have the breath to say anything. I told Janet that climbing walls was probably not a good thing to do until at least a month after you were out of a cast. She took me seriously and marked the date that Laurel could climb walls on the calendar. I think I am hoping she will just forget about it by then. And that the adventure du jour then is not quite as haphazardly dangerous to flesh and furniture. How much do padded rooms cost, anyway? And are they cheaper if you buy two? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Random mixup") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONSISTERS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOONSISTERS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Once at three in the morning, I woke to the sound of distant thumping. I crawled out of bed. Janet and Laurel were jumping up and down on Laurel's bed in the moonlight, their skins shining an alabaster pale in the darkness. I asked Janet what game they were playing. Moonsisters, she replied. Monsters like Dracula, werewolves, or yeerks I asked, hoping I had misheard her. No. Moon sisters. Laurel is from the Moon and (link-repeat:"I am her sister")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Interplanetary Janet,", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "she's a galazy girl.", "Money matters") ]], so we are moonsisters. Moonsisters eat jelly sandwiches and smear jelly all over their chins so they can taste the blood in the earth. Moonsisters hide under the curtains so they can jump out and take you when you least expect it. Moonsisters (link-repeat:"never let each other go")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Now I know that", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "we will both", "in my pain") (link-goto: "fight to be death.", "GYNATRISIA") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RIDING THE FLOOD") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Smooth skiing") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files The night Laurel was born, the moon came for her. The moon drifted toward her as she lay sleeping in the hospital bed that first night. She was next to the window, in a little isolette, her tiny hands waving as she struggled under the oxygen. The moon crept across her pillow. Whispered in her ear ~ what promises of hers held truth and what held merely echos of echos, the moon herself did not know. The moon took the box covered in moonstone, locked five times, and then welded shut. Shook it in front of Laurel, who probably giggled and reached for it ~ just as she now reaches for anything shiny. The moon pressed her box of words, the whole wisdom of the universe, to Laurel's breast. And the cells of my Laurel entered the atoms of the box. Together, (link-repeat:"she and the moon understood.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is the kind of", "BLOOD DROPS") (link-goto: "understanding that", "us") (link-goto: "surpasses both", "moon wants") (link-goto: "speech and horror.", "moon mind") ]] </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>hair<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: It is my hair that makes me the most selfish. I can go days without a shower if I cannot spare the few seconds from watching Laurel. But after a while, the lank, limp grease strands running down my back tell me I am less than human. And I wash my hair. This is when (link-repeat:"I get into trouble")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Trouble, trouble,", "sidestream") (link-goto: "boil and bubble.", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "Sink and shimmer,", "Running") (link-goto: "there's your dinner.", "Running again") (link-goto: "Run and catch it!", "After the show") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Electronic madness") (link-goto: "back", "THE MOST PRECIOUS") (link-goto: "back", "this is how") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Yellow and green<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/26/95 19:29 Subject: The Emperor's clothes And yet another story in the continuing saga of...you guessed it. Laurel's clothes. You know how difficult it is to get Laurel to wear anything, and I cheered and hurrahed and champagne-celebrated (without the champagne, of course) when she finally decided she actually would wear clothes. And so she will now keep her clothes on just as long as they are bright lemon yellow and kelly green and made from 100 percent cotton or silk (she does have taste, my child). Even her underwear has to be yellow or green. Usually I can persuade her to wear both yellow socks or both green socks but she can be stubborn about that, too. So finding clothes is extremely difficult, but luckily I have such great friends who are willing to fire up their idle sewing machines. Thank you one and all. Anyway, I didn't really just want to tell you about the clothes but about what they mean to others. My (link-repeat:"mother")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Abandon-mints") ]] flew in from California for the holiday and brought with her a veritable palace of great clothes from Rodeo Drive etc. Janet was in seventh heaven as she tried on practically everything and begged her grandmother to fix her hair differently for each outfit. And then came Laurel. And you got it. Not a yellow and green outfit in the bunch. We are talking high fashion here, and apparently (link-repeat:"yellow and green")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The only fashionable", "Scouting") (link-goto: "colors dandelions", "Leaving") (link-goto: "will wear these days.", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") ]] did not make the list of top ten colors for the year. Maybe next year, but not this one. And for fashion, apparently, this is the only year that counts. So at any rate, my mother threw the fit. She couldn't believe that Laurel was so selfish not to want any of (link-repeat:"these great clothes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do trees wear?", "clothes") (link-goto: "A. Bark-en-stocks.", "Thin bridges") ]], that surely even an imbecile could understand high fashion and what it meant. I asked my mother, very politely, to leave. There were no chain saws involved. Not even the barest hint of a threat of metal and/or any other substance indicating bodily harm. She said she'd be happy to leave this broken down nuthouse. And so she did. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Abandon-mints") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Abandon-mints<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/26/95 19:33 Subject: Thanks for your support My mother hasn't come back. And it's been about 12 hours. I don't know if she will take her money-green Jaguar and just go directly to the airport, or if she will come back and act as if nothing had happened. If she goes to the airport, will she at least drop a postcard? Something with those naked little kids on the ski slope looking back at you through dark, too old sunglasses, with a scrawl on the back "Wonderful visit, hope to see you soon?" or "Come out to California after you've placed the child" (or will she actually say, dumped the kid?) Will it end with a "love and kisses" and a row of x's at the bottom, or will she even have time for that, waiting for her plane in the smoker's lounge, sipping her third vodka and coke? With my mother, you never know. Which is probably, as some shrink or other, would say, the cause of this whole mess. Not hysterics, not the moon madness we bleed through each month. Just the fact that in my family at least, abandonment is a regular thing. Like the times she would walk out on me and my little sister (link-repeat:"Kelly")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Kelly and I") ]]. But you guys don't want to hear about that right now. So I will wish you all a very merry Christmas, and thank you for stopping into cyberspace and sending cards and mints and the goodies. Thanks guys, for being here. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Yellow and green") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Kelly and I") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Kelly and I<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Unanswered files DateLine: Spring 1972 The second time and every time after that my mother left us, we settled into a routine. After she would leave, we would straighten the house. We shooed the shouts and dark noises into the back corner of the closet. I would take the broom, because I was a little taller, and we would (link-repeat:"sweep the hurts")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It's been great", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "but now I really", "Ach du lieber") ]] into a dustpan and carry it outside, Kelly holding the edges tightly, carefully, so nothing could spill. And we would be ok. If she didn't come back that night, I would get us up, dress us in something clean, and fix sandwiches out of anything edible in the refrigerator. I would tell Kelly not to say anything, because someone from (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It's amazing how easy", "Social Services") (link-goto: "it is to kill people", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") (link-goto: "when they aren't human.", "show and tell") ]] was always listening to little kids, ready to pounce on them and take them off to reform school or something if they thought anything at all was wrong. Kelly would nod solemnly. We both knew that (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Gestapo") ]] people only looked human. Really they were vultures, which you could always tell by the fleshy folds at the front of their throat, the last vestiges of scavengry that they could never quite hide. Somehow, looking back, I guess what was funny was that Kelly and I believed implicitly in the horror of the Social Services, yet discredited completely notions of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Once, when she had been gone for three days, I pasted up a poster I stole from the home ec room of a woman with a short-sleeved frock dress - the fifties kind with the stuffed skirt, cut off at the knees. This is our mommy now. I told Kelly. No it isn't, she said. She doesn't have any legs. How can it be a mommy if it can't walk out? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Abandon-mints") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The final shot") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>The final shot<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Unanswered files DateLine: Spring 1979 My little sister Kelly was thirteen when our mother moved out for the final time. Unlike the others, she explained just exactly where she was going: but not why. Someone out in Orange County had come all the way to Denver looking for a lady, she said. He found one. And I am definitely not going to let this fish get away, she said. "Best of luck," I told her. Kelly asked her when we were moving to California. "You're not," she replied. "You're going to stay with your Aunt (link-repeat:"Florence")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "DOWN TO GRIEF") ]] in Cripple Creek. Mountain air will do you both some good." "We'll be (link-repeat:"better off without you")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The origins of guilt", "Yesterday") (link-goto: "are like dandelion roots", "Leaving") (link-goto: "impossible to pull out", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "completely", "WHAT I DON'T KNOW") ]]," I told her. "I know," she said. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Kelly and I") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "DOWN TO GRIEF") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>DOWN TO GRIEF<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Abandonment hurts most when they come back. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Leaving") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Gestapo<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Later, in high school history, I got a 99 on the World War II quiz. The point I missed? The Gestapo's SS, I was informed, did not stand for (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "back to Kelly and I", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "SS", "Yanking") ]]. In fact, I still can't remember what the real words were behind their acronym. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "back", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "back", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "back", "Life sparks") (link-goto: "back", "leave her again") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "back", "Getting down to it") (link-goto: "back", "Follow up") (link-goto: "back", "sidestream") (link-goto: "back", "Reputations") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Once again,<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The (link-repeat:"text")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Words are mere", "leaving only") (link-goto: "placeholders", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "for what can't", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "be said.", "say nothing") ]] flickers at me~ showing the moon's shadow in a deep well. Grinning like the will o the wisp, it (link-repeat:"disappears")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What you have left", "wash over me") (link-goto: "when there is", "water falls") (link-goto: "nothing left", "Stubbed out") ]] again. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="PO"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "shut downs") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>shut downs<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Liquid crystal displays splatter. Screen lights (link-repeat:"shatter")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When voices shatter,", "leaving only") (link-goto: "what do they", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "leave behind?", "dust") ]] in the grey ice ~ pieces of frozen time. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Once again,") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "leaving only") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>wash over me<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Writing these words is like writing on water in my private tidal pool accustomed to the waves (link-repeat:"drowning")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Drowning is easy--", "water drowns") (link-goto: "its the coming back", "to return") (link-goto: "that is impossible", "Somehow") ]] its heartbeat. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "shut downs") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "leaving only") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>to return<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Losing these words is nothing compared to reliving them. The text flickers back in the moon's shadow And (link-repeat:"drowns itself again")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "RIDING THE FLOOD") (link-goto: "AFTER THE FALL") (link-goto: "HANDING DOWN DOOM") (link-goto: "RESTLESS SEAS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>leaving only<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Losing has become as much me as breathing has (link-repeat:"become you")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I want my possible", "Dried roses") (link-goto: "selves back--earth", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "and every one of them.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]] </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "wash over me") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "to return") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Hieronymo<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: This is (link-repeat:"madness, again madness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "HYSTERICS") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "see it.") (link-goto: "Disaster.", "REPETITION") (link-goto: "Disaster who?", "Bruno") (link-goto: "Disaster be the", "carpet") (link-goto: "insane asylum.", "moon flesh") ]]. And the fragments I have shorn up are no defense against my ruin. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "THE SOUL SELECTS") (link-goto: "back", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "back", "THE SOUL SELECTS") (link-goto: "back", "Success") (link-goto: "back", "MOONBLOOD") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Can't say 1<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: When you need it to go wrong Date: 11/9/96 23:16 >Laurel was incorrigible today. >Laurel was (link-repeat:"a little witch")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the difference", "Old witch") (link-goto: "between a witch and", "darkness") (link-goto: "a watch?", "DENIAL") (link-goto: "I am.", "Mythic origins") ]] today. >Laurel's attitude needs adjusting. This is what I keep on getting from the school. So I went down there the Monday before last and said, ok, let's actually examine one, just one of these incidents. Luckily, her teachers are the kindest, sweetest beings with hearts of 38 karat (64 karat? 128 karat?) gold. And Marilyn and Carrie let me watch the whole day from the one way mirror. Nothing of course happened. Wouldn't you know kids would turn out just like cars or computers - when you want something to go wrong so you can (link-repeat:"diagnose")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Labels will get you", "Violence") (link-goto: "everywhere you", "Getting down to it") (link-goto: "don't want to go.", "Profession") ]] it, obviously it won't. Murphy's 3rd or 4th law, I forget my inlaws, let alone my physics. That twilight, Laurel was out playing and a dog came up to her. She doesn't like strange dogs, and started to sway back and forth (her little channel surfer, Carrie likes to call it). The dog bit her on the nose despite her feeble protection. She came running in, took her shoes off, and snuggled a toy cat up to her nose. The next day, Carrie called to tell me she was being impossible, screaming at some puppets. I came down. The class was doing a puppet show on dogs. Laurel was crouched in the corner, her back arched over her shoulders higher than any cat, her fingers out like cruel claws, hissing madly to herself. Just shows to go ya. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Thin bridges") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Can't say 2") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Can't say 2<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Silence on every level Date: 11/10/96 22:19 Actually, this is kinda scary when you think about it. Actually, everything is kinda scary when you think about it, which is probably why I don't try to think about this. If the unspeakable happened to Janet, she would tell me. She knows just what parts of her body are her property - and hers alone. She can point to the appropriate places and name them: not wee-wee and down there like the girls in the 50's, but mons (link-repeat:"veneris")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If this is venerated,", "You beckon") (link-goto: "why do we pierce it?", "MOON MOTHS") ]], vagina, genitalia, like the girls in second grade health in the 90's. We have done the talk about good touching and bad touching, about loving and hurting. Her short stubby fingers fly in my face when we practice "No, No, don't do that!" and "Ewww, go away, I'm calling the cops on you!" Her whole body knows 911. Of this there can be no doubt. Laurel cannot tell me when a dog bites her, when a car runs over her, when she is in so much pain inside she cannot breathe. What will she say when someone enters her world? Will she even know the difference in pain between disturbing her (link-repeat:"pure-color lights")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "pure lights", "doorlights") (link-goto: "pure darks", "darkness") ]] and disturbing her tight-budded flesh? The abuse rate in institutional settings for non-verbal children is over 90 percent. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Can't say 1") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Frozen dreams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Frozen dreams<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Dream files DateLine: May 1997 Every night for a week I have had the same dream. I am lying in an alley with my head back against dark red bricks. It is about dusk, and I can see the horizon at the end of the long, silent alley. The (link-repeat:"harvest moon rises")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What you see", "WILD MOONS") (link-goto: "when you don't", "moon flesh") (link-goto: "want to.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]], slow and gravid like a blood orange. I watch the moon, and as the light travels through the alley, it touches me. I see the blood that has run down my legs and congealed in dark, shiny strips. I look completely dispassionately at my ripped open belly. Beside me is a baby, but the cord is dried, brittle with age. I turn the baby over, and it is Laurel, the first time I saw her. Only I am not holding her. I am not touching her. Her legs, like mine, are splayed. Blood flows freely from her torn mons. Too much blood from a child. A sudden torrent of (link-repeat:"desperation*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Desperate") ]] fills me. I try to touch her. To breathe all of my blood back into her. Anything to have her live, to have her untouched. Her broken body disappears in a sudden shaft of moonlight, leaving only a ghostly outline of pain. She has (link-repeat:"said nothing*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "say nothing") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Can't say 2") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "OICHE DHUIBHRE") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>OICHE DHUIBHRE<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I (link-repeat:"say nothing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Our silence is large", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "enough to fill anything.", "say nothing") ]]. The moon (link-repeat:"says nothing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This silence is all", "AFTER THE FALL") (link-goto: "we can understand.", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Somehow") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>say nothing<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: These are things Laurel and I tell no one. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "back", "Once again,") (link-goto: "back", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "back", "Smokers") (link-goto: "back", "Rain included") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Show biz<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 3/17/95 22:10 Subject: Just like a normal kid This started out to be a bright and beautiful March Sunday. The kids and I slept late, but instead of going straight to the sugar cereals and videos, both Janet and Laurel got dressed and went outside to play in the brisk, calm air. Janet kept running in with this new blade of grass, a possible sighting of a robin, and reports of crocuses in Mrs. Cooper's yard. Things looked great. I had a few moments to me and I was planning my spending spree of time. I was going to take a long shower, watch "Roseanne", read some Piers Anthony, play a coupla games with the babies. But first I went to check on Laurel. She was on the roof. Her hands were artistically splayed above her head, her feet in a classic ballarina's pose (the fifth position, I think). And she was leaning way too far to the other side. You know how in those moments everything is supposed to go in slow motion? Well, it didn't. Laurel took a flying leap, chortled, and jumped off the other side of the house. I made record time getting to her, throwing old tricycles, pop cans, half a lawnmower, and other urban detritus out of the way. She was sitting quite still, (link-repeat:"stunned")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Out on a limb") ]], with her arms wrapped around her chest, which was unusual for her. She let me kneel by her side and help her to her feet, but she couldn't put any weight on her left foot. She had that peculiar, jagged breathing that makes me think of broken bones. Dad sped over to sit on Janet. Chris shoved her husband, Rob out the door to help me take Laurel to the Emergency Room. I suggested we take two cars, but Rob said there was no chance he was leaving until the last paper was signed, so we just took mine. Laurel adapted beautifully to maneuvering herself from the car to a wheelchair. She didn't want to lie down, didn't trust that big machine that the radiology tech said, "won't hurt." But with the help of a little tylenol and codeine, and an inflated surgical glove, she decided she could hang out for a little while. The x-rays didn't show any breaks, but the ER doc said that kids' breaks often don't show, especially not within the first hours after the injury. Nonetheless, ER doc said that the degree of pain Laurel is showing indicates (link-repeat:"a probable break")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do bones weigh?", "bones") (link-goto: "A. A skele-ton.", "BONES KNOW") ]]. The nurse announced she was going to put a splint on Laurel's foot. Laurel shook her head "no" so hard her hair whapped her chin. I explained that this probably wasn't the best idea, as if Laurel didn't want it, she certainly would have it off in about two nanoseconds flat. The nurse muttered under her breath that she could certainly understand that, but asked if we could just keep an eye on Laurel so she wouldn't tear the cast off. After all, it would only be for about three weeks. Chris, Rob, and I started (link-repeat:"laughing hysterically")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Laughter is the body's", "Laughing meds") (link-goto: "final defense against", "For the time being") (link-goto: "madness.", "HYSTERICS") ]]. It had taken all three of us to keep an eye on her in the emergency room how did the nurse think we were going to do it after we got her home??? After we calmed down a bit, the ER doc said that if she didn't have at least a splint, then the bone would not heal properly and we would probaly have to rebreak it and reset it. I asked if we could create some sort of bandage that would keep the bones together and still be impossible for a very active, highly adept seven-year-old to take off. The doc, bless his heart, came up with a steel cage-like thing that he locked around Laurel's shin and ankle. Then he put the plaster on top of that. There was no way that she could get her hands under the plaster and steel. So this worked out well. We applauded. He bowed. Laurel tolerated it 'til we got to the car. Then she started screaming and banging her leg on the front seat. Chris and Rob climbed in back to hold her. Laurel clopped Chris on the chin with the cast a heavy clomp. We thought we'd have to go back into the emergency room, but Chris announced that she'd survive. After we got home, Laurel needed to "undo" the imbalance of having gone out the back and off the front of the house. On her one good foot, she found it necessary to climb over the fence. Twice. Rob completely disapproved. And helped. I carried Laurel through the back yard and into the house. Then she was fine, and allowed me to carry her to the shower where she could just wet her upper body and good leg, to the kitchen for a bedtime snack, and into her room to bed. I am one pooped puppy. I'm going to look into borrowing a wheelchair for her. But right now, I'm going to bed. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the show") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Slip-sliding away<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/28/94 19:29 Subject: Houdini's end. Laurel ran off again today. While I was washing dishes, she planned her escape. The child has been watching David Copperfield, or maybe old movies of Houdini (I don't know, did they really make old movies of Houdini?). She must be emulating someone, surely this couldn't come out of one innocent child's own head! She left the water running in ythe sink, and the noise hid the slight noises as she dragged the chair to the door, clambered up, and de-activated the alarm Rob installed for me just last week. Mission accomplished, she slipped out the door, left the house barefoot and ran out into the ice and snow, making a bee-line for the grocery store and Colorado Boulevard . I noticed a green flash outside the window and instictively ran to the door. This day, my (link-repeat:"self-preservation genes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These genes, however,", "Getting down to it") (link-goto: "often forget to", "babysitters") (link-goto: "preserve themselves--", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "and suicide then becomes", "leave her again") (link-goto: "an attractive option.", "Cop-sickles") ]] were kicking in--I stopped to get shoes. By the time I looked up (5 nanoseconds later, I am really getting to be a fast-change artist), she was nowhere to be seen. So I ran out to the car, which wouldn't start, natch. No one else was around (it was about noon-thirty, and Janet had gone off with the Coopers for a day trip to Keystone--the Coopers paid for her day skiing and sledding as a Christmas present-but I digress). So I ran after the (link-repeat:"foorprints in the snow")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The snow makes", "Running") (link-goto: "everything easier", "snowvoice") (link-goto: "to see and understand.", "My soul") ]] (we'd gotten about 4 inches the day before this). I saw her green dress in the snow just this side of Colorado Boulevard, and ran like hell to get to her. But I slipped on the ice and skidded. Pain surrounded me with its sudden, final dictatorship. I could not get up off the ground. I could not move. I could only watch with horror as she sat down and slid into the busy road. I knew no one would see her. I knew this was the end. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Death wish") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Running again<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 2/8/94 Subject: A haunting tale I probably should tell you guys all this because you are my friends and you care and besides I just like to babble on hearing about my own voice. It doesn't really matter that you are all so far away from me, and that the only lines of communication we have are these little plastic boxes and silver lines. I have felt and appreciated and sent virtual hugs to each one of you... and I do so need your hugs now. Now that it is all over of course. Let me begin at the beginning of this sordid little tale. Laurel and some other kids go swimming every Tuesday at the Y. She loves the water, and I love just watching her little yellow cap bobbing up and down through the chlorine green. This is the one and only time she will stand for anything on her head--I think she follows the electorial philosophy of suffering the lesser evil--a thick plastic cap or water in her ears and eyes. Her (link-repeat:"rituals")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These touchstones are", "RITUALS") (link-goto: "what keep her form", "zorfs") (link-goto: "drowning", "alone.") ]] are worthy of a choir spot on Ethel Merman's shows, supposing the lines of time and space could be warped enough to bring that about. Laurel swims in a four foot circle in the shallow part, her head barely below the water, her arms holding her knees as she kicks silently. When the water sprays, she stops circling and stands for a moment, letting the water just lap into the kelly green top of her one piece. The other kids form rings around the rosy, stick their feet up through the air in the shallow part, and hunt monsters down as long as their breath holds them together. Laurel ignores them entirely. She is much more interested in her own little pockets of posy, her poses and pirouettes. Anyway, I really am getting to my point, because I always have at least one. Anyway again, last Tuesday Laurel must have gotten tired of swimming and got out of the pool early. I hadn't looked at her for about 3 or 4 minutes, and she was just gone. This was deeply scary. I took a breath and ran into the ladies room. No Laurel. Went into the men's room. No Laurel. Lots of strange looks, and even one wolf whistle, but no Laurel. Then I ran out barefoot in 30-degree weather trying to catch her. I ran forever, and finally my lungs filled with fire and air refused to move through me. Then I saw Laurel--only a block and a half away, the yellow bathing cap jumping up and down like the little jump stick dolls they used to have when everybody who is older than the hills grew up. (which just dates me, but anyway I'm getting to the scary part here, so just hold your breath folks). This is the scary part: My side cramped so badly I could not move. And (link-repeat:"no one would help me")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why are we always", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "alone in the midst", "Out on a limb") (link-goto: "of a crowd?", "Out of options") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Fear") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Crypt<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Our local BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Sado-Masochism) store. The people there are incredibly friendly, extremely knowledgeable about every possible type of (link-repeat:"safe restraint")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If it works,", "Devices") (link-goto: "usue it!", "Armor") ]]. They are beginning to know me quite well, actually. I keep recommending them to other moms, school districts, and friends, but no one can quite get up the courage to enter the shop. I will admit that the chain bikinis and nipple clamps in the window are a wee bit intimidating. Nonetheless, if I can brave a roomful of administrators, educators, and psychologists for my child, I can (link-repeat:"brave")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "No one will keep", "THE MOON'S PRICE") (link-goto: "me from my child.", "in my pain") ]] anything. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "After the show") (link-goto: "back", "Mama") (link-goto: "back", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "back", "Uncertain") (link-goto: "back", "Devices") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>echololia<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Echololia is a repeating sound. The child might say something she heard before in that spot or in another location. For example, if a teacher said "Let's go for a walk" three months ago and then proceeded to get a drink of water, the child might say "Let's go for a walk" when she really wants a drink of water. Needless to say, this repetition creates (link-repeat:"more of mystery ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hush baby bunting", "The storm") (link-goto: "don't say a word.", "After I") (link-goto: "Momma's gonna cry.", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") ]] than it solves. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "After the show") (link-goto: "back", "Flyer") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>After the show<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 3/22/95 22:10 Subject: Encore, encore Hi Friends! Laurel has been using a rental wheelchair for the past five days. I managed to get her one the morning after she (link-repeat:"jumped off the roof")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Show biz") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "lucky") (link-goto: "Bonsai.", "bones") (link-goto: "Bonsai who?", "trees") (link-goto: "Bonsai broken", "Helpfulness") ]]. The cast is still on, but she doesn't seem to feel the pain when she walks. So she has walked a bit, been surprised when her leg does not work, sat a bit, forgot about it, and walked a bit more. To combat this, I went down to the (link-repeat:"Crypt*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Crypt") ]] to get some restraints and tie her into the chair. Unfortunately, I got only the buckle kind, not the lock and key kind. Today, as I was working on a business letter, not ten feet from where I'd tied Laurel to the chair, I realized I hadn't heard from her for about ten minutes. I looked at her chair. Nothing there. I pulled my heart down from the ceiling and went outside--merely to find the little bugger climbing back onto the roof! Expletive deleted! I rushed up onto the roof before realizing that I am terrified of heights. The rolling in the stomach. The pressing behind the eyes as you realize two totally separate, simultaneous states of reality: 1. It is high up here. 2. There is no phone on the roof. I choked back my screams and started toward Laurel, crooning in my most comforting (link-repeat:"voice")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Merging") ]], "peanut, peanut butter, peanut peanut butter," over and over again. This helped some. At least, I felt calmer. Laurel stayed just a few inches away from me during all of this, slowly and steadiy climbing higher on the tarry, grey-and-red pebbled shingles. Her cast made scratchy noises, light scraping against my nerves. The sandpaper roughness was just enough to catch the edges of my fear. Laurel, of course, felt none of this. Finally she reached the apex of the roof and straddled it like a horse. Then she patted the roof and said "Gee go," which is what I say when I let her on the penny-a-ride horse in the front of the Super KMart. I wasn't sure if the (link-repeat:"echololia*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "echololia") ]] was good right here or not. In any other circumstances, I would have been wallowing ecstatically in the sound of (link-repeat:"Laurel's voice")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "A child's voice has a", "snowvoice") (link-goto: "lot more meaning if you", "Glimpses") (link-goto: "haven't heard it before.", "Mama") ]]. The vertigo in my stomach kept my mind on the current matter. I didn't dare get any closer, as Laurel was only two feet from the edge of the roof. She looked back at me and giggled. I shouted for Janet and bless her, she came running in from playing with her friend Carina about two doors up. Carina ran to get her father, Mr. (link-repeat:"Fisher")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Merging") ]]. Mr. Fisher came over in his bare feet and terry cloth robe. That is the great thing about my neighbors, they know that when I call, it really IS an emergency. Laurel and I sat up there for about fifteen minutes while Mr. Fisher, on my instructions, set up the ladder. Janet climbed up (I didn't want to risk anyone who wasn't a family member), and set out a trail of orange Starburst candies--one for every two shingles on the shortest way down to the ladder. Hey, don't knock bribery. It worked! Laurel was mostly crawling once she got back inside, but the cast seemed to hold up pretty well. With that steel lining, it should hold up against practically anything--up to and including a nuclear disaster. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Show biz") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Merging") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Fear<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Heart files You have to run after your child and you cannot run. You have to lift her up and you cannot lift her up. You have to find the (link-repeat:"money")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "LIFE FEAR") ]] to feed here and there is (link-repeat:"no money")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. How do cows", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "get their money?", "Surgery aftermath") (link-goto: "A. They churn it", "The great wall") ]]. In one horrible, lung-fire-filled instant, every idea I had about keeping her safe for her whole life (link-repeat:"vanished")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "And then she vanished", "Leaving") (link-goto: "softly and suddenly away,", "CELL MEMORY") (link-goto: "as the snark was a boojum", "moon breaks") ]] from every known universe. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running again") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LIFE FEAR") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Death wish<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Winter 1994 I did not want to get up from the ice to save my child. My hip was on fire, my face flush with gravel. And in that second, I could see Laurel's funeral. Could feel the relief. There would be time for a shower, time for a sit down meal, time to read more than 2 pages of a book. I could work, get some money in a retirement account, send Janet to college. In short, a life like anyone else's--a life which seemed so far out of reach now. And all I had to do to get it was give into the throbbing pain and simply not get up. I closed my eyes against the guilt this brought out. This was surely the right thing to do. Surely no one would have to suffer anymore. I cried as if she were (link-repeat:"already dead")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My little girl", "LIFE FEAR") (link-goto: "dressed in blue", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "died last night", "fades.") (link-goto: "at half-past two.", "MOON FALLEN") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Slip-sliding away") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Rescue party") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Merging<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Heart files I knew I could do this. I began to know the strength of my cells when my child first formed and my cells took everything to nourish her cells. When my blood spilled out from the birth pains, when my body heaved and every muscle, every tendon bore down to force my child into the light, I knew. From then on, my body would do anything to protect my child. My cells would take (link-repeat:"power from beyond")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Do not go gentyly", "so far") (link-goto: "into that good birth,", "Desperate") (link-goto: "rage, rage, against the", "Don't stand") (link-goto: "taking of her life.", "dramatical") ]] themselves, gather it, and save it for when my child cried out. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "After the show") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "TRIUMPHS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>TRIUMPHS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I do not remember when I first realized this was a fight to the (link-repeat:"death")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Everything important has", "REPETITION") (link-goto: "always been to the death.", "SOLE REMEDY") ]]. I think perhaps I have known this from the moment of my own conception. Yet I do not tell Laurel this. I tell her I am not ready for the moon to have her. I tell her she is safe with me. My fingers press against her flesh as we struggle, as I hold Laurel back from the moon. My fingers (link-repeat:"cause pools of blood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is the price", "HARM") (link-goto: "I am willing to pay", "blood talks") (link-goto: "and my child.", "Any other questions?") ]] to gather under her pale skin. And we both know the sacrifices demanded to keep her here. I tell her I have the strength to hold her and I clutch at her chest, holding her tightly against me. Sometimes she clutches back. Sometimes she wanders away, her eyes caught in the moonlight. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ARKENSTONES") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Grocery shopping") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Rescue party<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/28/94 23:41 Subject: Cliffhanger ending Sorry about that cliffhanger there. While I was typing, Laurel had gotten out of her room and was decorating the hallway in a tasteful shade of peanut butter and broken glass. This would have been ok, except that the floor had to be decorated to match, and she was barefoot. We got the glass out of her foot and she insisted on putting the (link-repeat:"bloody glass")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Glass is the one", "Running") (link-goto: "medium that slides", "glass") (link-goto: "easily into flesh", "GLASS HARMONICA") ]] onto the wall-where it belonged. I will wait until she falls asleep to clean up the mess. So, needless to say, Laurel is still very much alive. The gas station attendant on Monaco knows us pretty well. Luckily, Laurel was in his line of sight (about 50 feet away). He saw what was going on, left his store, and ran out to grab Laurel. Laurel bit him. He held on and grasped her shoulders. Laurel struggled. He pulled her up off the sidewalk and dragged her into the gas station. Not daring to let go because he feared my darling daughter would bite again, he yelled at a customer to call 911. The customer, a big burly guy about 6 feet 6 or so grabbed Laurel's legs, which were kicking faster than a helicopter's propellers and doing just about as much damage to the gas station attendant's snow-caked legs. Another customer, a small black-haired lady, saw only a small portion of what was going on, drew her own conclusions, and called 911 to report a burglary in progress. In the meantime, I was still on the ground about 100 yards away from the gas station, trying to get up. My hip was simply not cooperating and was perusing (link-repeat:"travel brochures")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My body wants to land", "I will find a way") (link-goto: "a life very far away", "enough") (link-goto: "from my soul.", "is captured") ]] for the Caribbean or maybe even Tahiti. So I started to crawl toward the gas station, calling out that Laurel was autistic and was not going to hurt anyone. I could not see what was going on. The cops came when I was about on the 60 yard line and crawling for the tackle. I was still sliding on the snow, and snow had come in through various convenient portions of my jeans and was melting/freezing other unmentionable parts of my anatomy. I called out as the cop entered the store, but he was much too interested in the burglary. I don't know what was said in there, but I can imagine, as the cop was out in about a minute, scouring the street for me. I called out again and he came over. He said not to move, and he called the paramedics. I told him my daughter was autistic, and could not speak or reason (which is a bit of a lie, but under the circumstances was the easiest thing to say). He said that everything was under control there and not to worry. (link-repeat:"I kept crawling forward anyway")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have gone beyond", "First strike") (link-goto: "the beyond", "Merging") (link-goto: "so many times", "SOLE REMEDY") (link-goto: "that I can do anything", "Beyond anything") ]]. He sighed and said, "Well, if that's the way you want it, lady." and gave me a hand up. We covered the last 50 yards and when I got into the store, I could see Laurel was calming down. So I said that I could hold her and took over from the burly customer. Laurel immediately wriggled out of my grasp, grabbed a Pepsi from the display, and started chugging it. At that point, I found I had forgotten my wallet. The gas station attendant said, "Don't worry about it, lady. I'll catch you next time." I tried to tell him how grateful I was and he just said, "Merry Christmas, ma'am." The paramedics checked out my hip, pronounced it merely bruised, and left without a bill when they figured out what was going on. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Death wish") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LISTEN") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>LISTEN<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Listen. Please just listen. How can sparing one small soul, one tiny child even matter to you~ you who have (link-repeat:"created the universe?")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Those whom the", "MOON CYCLES") (link-goto: "goddess would destroy,", "IN THE BEGINNING") (link-goto: "she first must create--", "HOLD NO HOPE") (link-goto: "and make them understand.", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]] It matters so much to me, and can mean so little to you. Let me have my child. Leave us trifles alone. Listen. Just for once, listen. I'm begging the (link-repeat:"mother in you")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Now that I have your", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "attention, I can't", "MOON CYCLES") (link-goto: "find any words to", "MOON SHINE") (link-goto: "convey my need", "personal sentiments") ]] who is the mother in me who cannot stop wanting her child. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ARKENSTONES") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>LIFE FEAR<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I think I will think until I am dead that nothing holds more fear than finally knowing that your body (link-repeat:"will not save")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Misertarianism", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "When you die, you get", "Leaving") (link-goto: "everything you saved", "moon hole") ]] your child. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ARKENSTONES") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Grocery shopping") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Meaning what<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 7/21/96 24:06 Subject: Follow up After I asked Dad why he hadn't told me (link-repeat:"that story.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These are the stories to", "Take me for a ride") (link-goto: "frighten our children.", "MOON CAKES") ]] Just being curious. Dad said he thought I had other things on my mind that day and didn't need to hear that story. I explained to him that it meant a lot to me to know that he knew some of what I went through. He said he admires (link-repeat:"the commitment")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Yet under it all,", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "I wonder if he wants me", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "commited.", "OCR") ]] I have to my kids, and the patience I show with both of them. : *) I hung up the phone and hugged Janet. She asked me what that was for, and I told her that I appreciated, loved, and admired her. I told Laurel the same thing. She hummed and took my hand over to the refrigerator for a Pepsi. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Take me for a ride") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cop-sickles") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Book of Thoth<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Of Thoth, scribal god of the Egyptians. Writer of the world, creator of the moon. At Hermopolis, he is the moon. Thoth's book of wisdom comes closer to (link-repeat:"the moon's book")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This book is now the", "MOONBLOOD") (link-goto: "only true thing", "NO TURNING BACK") (link-goto: "in the universe.", "RIDING THE FLOOD") ]] than practically any legend cycle. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "ARKENSTONES") (link-goto: "back", "IT MUST BE WRITTEN") (link-goto: "back", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "back", "respite bible") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Cop-sickles<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/21/95 19: 16 Subject: How to get arrested without really trying Ooo, I wish this was a funny story, like the Monty Python sketch. Then I could shout the punchline at the top of my lungs and everyone would laugh along with it. OTOH, you may find new appreciation for your folks... Dad asked me to look after his three tanks of fish (a beta, some neons and some discus) and two parakeets while he was out of town for three weeks. Dad didn't call to check in at any point during his trip. He hadn't actually left me a key to his house. (No, no! That's just what they'd be expecting!) I could practically hear desperate little fish voices crying for food as I circled the place, pushing windows, sliding my library card along door cracks, the girls trailing behind me with a rising murmur that bespoke louder protestations to come if something sensible didn't happen soon. So I finally broke a small window in the side of the house and climbed in, leaving Janet and Laurel out in his backyard. Janet found a compost heap and started digging, while Laurel hummed the tune for "(link-repeat:"Peanut, peanut butter")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Peanut, peanut butter", "Unwelcome ants") (link-goto: "and jelly! (and AGAIN!)", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "I do not know where", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "she caught this song.", "Credits") ]]" at the top of her lungs. Naturally enough, the next door neighbor called the cops. After all, who would break into someone's back window at seven o'clock at night, yelling idiotic lyrics? Obviously, it had to be someone who was (link-repeat:"mentally disturbed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "Q. What do you call", "HYSTERICS") (link-goto: "the moon's clock?", "REPETITION") (link-goto: "A. A luna-tick.", "MOON MADNESS") ]], at the very least. It's a great neighborhood; by the time I let the girls in, there was a knock at the door. I open up the front door, and the cop has his gun partway drawn. (I guess you never know what you're going to find with a call like that.) Laurel, eagle-eyed child that she is, saw the glittery flash and dove for it. Bless the guardian angel on duty, I caught her before she could grab the pistol or I don't want to think what would have happened. Her momentum spun the two of us around in a complete circle, which confused the cop for a moment. The cop, a big burly man who resembled nothing more than an overgrown cigar, gave out in a deep, gruff voice, "Ma'am, we've had a report of a disturbance here are you the owner of the house?" I say, "No, I'm his daughter." The guy shifted on his heels and said, "Can I see some i.d.?" I tell him its in the car. He thinks it would be just spiffy if he went with me to get it. On the way, he notices the window, which is backlit from the light in the hallway. He says, "What happened here?" in a voice that said he was likely to cart all of us off at any moment. I told him the story, showed my i.d. He called in on his computer, matching my license. Then he said he'd escort me through the house to see if we could find some verifying evidence. I said ok. We went back in. While we'd been so pleasantly chatting outside, Laurel had discovered art supplies and gone waltzing through the house decorating Dad's priceless oriental rugs with tastefully applied tessalations of Ked prints in Colgate. The cop looked ready to add vandalism to my obviously growing list of crimes. How we got through all that, you don't want to know. Neural defenses are blurring the details in my mind even as I write. I seem to recall a toppled file cabinet, a broken toe (the cop's, not any of ours), several packages of orange (link-repeat:"starbursts")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dead parakeets") ]] (to get Laurel into the shower so she would stay there while I cleaned up the rugs), and two late-night trips to (link-repeat:"Rug Doctors*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Rug Doctors") ]]. The cop was back outside when we finally finished cleaning and feeding and leaving. He was writing me a ticket for an expired emissions sticker. Apparently, my sense of self-preservation had also expired, because I explained to the cop that this was a shitty thing to do to an (link-repeat:"obviously-frazzled mother")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "That amazing thing is", "They say") (link-goto: "how you find the strength", "it happened") (link-goto: "to go on after you have", "Resourceless") (link-goto: "spent it all.", "Beyond anything") ]] at this particular hour, and that protection and service would be better defined by arresting drunk drivers than by exercising a personal vendetta for his fractured toe and bruised ego by abusing his authority to make people's lives miserable by picking on minutia. This was a mistake. We all piled in his car and went down to the station for disturbing the peace. I decided I might as well relax and enjoy the relative safety. My head dropped back. My eyes closed for just a moment. Laurel saw her opportunity to bring out the kidnapped Colgate and add some needed artistic flare to the partition. This particular cop does not appreciate fine art. He was able to add vandalism of a state vehicle to the list of (link-repeat:"charges*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "charges") ]]. They tried to take the girls into another room, but Laurel started slamming her head into a wall, so they brought her back to me. The cop apparently had noticed the odd behavior he never quite commented on, and a representative of the (link-repeat:"Child Protection Gestapo")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Only in America can", "Reputations") (link-goto: "they take your kids and", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "your money without", "bureaucrazy") (link-goto: "a trial or arrest.", "Advocrazy") ]] was sent for. She glanced over the papers, tossed a cat-like smile in my direction and told the sergeant, "We are aware of this family. We don't want these children." And she left. I'm not entirely sure whether I feel relieved or appalled. Ok. Ok. To make a long story even longer, we got home around 3 am. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Take me for a ride") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cop-sickles") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Rug Doctors<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Yes, Virginia, there is a 24 hour RugDoctor on Sheridan and Colfax. Not a neighborhood to venture in late at night. Janet wanted to know what the pretty ladies were doing by the Bugs Motel. I told her that they were trying to get someone to pay them for being pretty. Why? she asked. They need money for food, I tried to explain further. And the (link-repeat:"only thing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What happens when you", "this is how") (link-goto: "sell your soul instead.", "Night moves") ]] they have to (link-repeat:"sell is their bodies*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "charges") ]]. She immediately informed me that she wanted to do the very same thing. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cop-sickles") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>environments<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Kind of like Laurel, she said. I told her (link-repeat:"Laurel was human")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It's only when you", "show and tell") (link-goto: "take time to know", "the looks") (link-goto: "them you find out", "Isn't that special?") (link-goto: "who they are.", "potatoe eyes") ]], too. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Dead parakeets") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Dead parakeets<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/14/95 20: 20 Subject: This parrot is deceased. DEAD. Passed on. Remember the housebreaking incident? Loud and clear, I am sure. I shall remember it every other Saturday for the next two months, as I have to go in for probation -- dragging the girls along with me. I pleaded guilty to (link-repeat:"disturbing the peace")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What he really should", "gravy") (link-goto: "have charged me with", "Escaping the storm") (link-goto: "is disturbing the world.", "LULLABY") ]] in return for them dropping the vandalism. They didn't press the child-abuse suspicions, but it must have been in the report because I got the feeling the judge wants the probation officer to observe us for any further signs of insanity. To sum up the rest of the horrors, Laurel delighted in dumping out the bird seed and water. She managed to do it just as we were leaving, so I didn't notice that the parakeets had a wet cage. The green parakeet developed tracheitis, clicking and wheezing, and I spent $81 at the vet. The kids also managed to break three feeder tubes at $3.50 each. I guess we won't get us any birds anytime soon. Further three of the discus (discusses? disci?) died, after Janet turned the thermometer down. ("But I thought they might be hot in the water and would want to cool off," she told me. I told her that fish like different (link-repeat:"environments*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "environments") ]] than humans.) and I had to replace them at $45 a pop. The lady at Pet World told me I was lucky they were not larger--these fish can run up to $150 to $200 for the pancake-sized fish. Dad came back from his trip around midnight, and came over straight to our house for the key he left with us. I told him, wiping sleep out of my eyes, that he hadn't left one. He pestered, (text-colour:red)["Are you sure?"] and proceeded to look through the house, flipping on lights and clanging around so that Laurel woke up and started howling in her room--as if we would lose something like that on purpose. I told him,(text-colour:navy)["Yes dammit!"] As he was telling me not to swear, he looked in his briefcase--where his keys had been for his entire trip. He said nothing. I told him about having to break into his house and about the cops. He said (text-colour:red)["You should have just called them in the first place."] (This is true, which totally pisses me off.) (text-colour:red)[ "Did you get the window fixed yet?"] When I admitted I had not, he said, (text-colour:red)["Well, you can take care of it tomorrow."] I handed Dad the veterinary paperwork (the doctor's diagnosis, care instructions and the bill). He also said that, as for the green parakeet, (text-colour:red)["I would have (link-repeat:"let it die")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Under the circumstances,", "Pro re nata, def.") (link-goto: "he thinks this is the", "Job description") (link-goto: "right thing to do.", "Death wish") ]], and hoped it was contagious. I didn't tell you to go to the vet, so I won't pay for that."] I told him that was just fine with me. He left. This is a man who volunteers for the library and ships the left-over books from the annual book sale to third world countries. He sponsored an immigrant family from Cameroon. He goes to the Philipines once a year to do surgery in back-woods communities with no medical facilities. He invests in real estate and gives me a home to live in. But...(link-repeat:"he is such....a jerk!")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The sins of the fathers", "ever get") (link-goto: "are what trap us", "painted") (link-goto: "in the long run.", "Patriarchy") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cop-sickles") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Pigeon blood") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Pigeon blood<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/16/95 22:02 Subject: An afterthought Dad had neatly labeled his discus tank with their colors: turquoise, cobalt, and pigeon blood. The fish turned in the water, their scales shimmering iridescent in the fluorescent light. Laurel stayed far away from the tank--the humming of the lights, I think, hurt her ears. (link-repeat:"Janet")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "BORGES") ]] and I watched for a while, fascinated. The pigeon blood one caught our eyes and held them tight. She swam up to the top, light shining through the red-blood of her scales, gasping for air with a thin open mouth. The blood rushed down to feed on the orange-and blue stones, then back to the light with a single minded ferocity. We watched for what must have been forever, our whole beings caught in the flame of her (link-repeat:"captive blood")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If you have been captive", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "all your life, how can", "moon flesh") (link-goto: "you ever know when", "MOON MOTHS") (link-goto: "you are free?", "THE SOUL SELECTS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Dead parakeets") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BORGES") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>BORGES<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To paraphrase: Actually, I am not sure if we (link-repeat:"freed ourselves")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Death is merely", "My soul") (link-goto: "another form of", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "imprisonment.", "STICKY SOULS") ]] that night~or not. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IT MUST BE WRITTEN") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "For richer") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>charges<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: While we were waiting on the paperwork, Janet saw some of the same ladies we had seen up on Colfax brought in. She asked in a very loud voice: (text-colour:green)["Mommy, how come those ladies were brought in?"] I told her (text-colour:navy)[they were trying to sell their bodies so they could eat.] Janet asked me why (text-colour:green)[they were arrested if all they were trying to do was eat? ] I told her (text-colour:navy)[we weren't going to talk about it right there, but I'd explain it later.] She said, still pretty loudly,(text-colour:green)[ "Ok. But I don't want to sell my body for food if a (link-repeat:"policeman")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Capitarianism: When you", "Your apartment") (link-goto: "die, your soul is charged", "needed this") (link-goto: "with reckless driving", "is captured") (link-goto: "and speeding.", "Devices") ]] can just come up and stop me."] I told her (text-colour:navy)[to go to sleep. ] </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "back", "Try outs") (link-goto: "back", "Rug Doctors") (link-goto: "back", "dancing") (link-goto: "back", "Scouting") (link-goto: "back", "Reputations") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Getting down to it<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Psych files DateLine: Fall 1993 The funny thing was when this all started, I thought I could count on people. Obviously, I reasoned, the Social Services, those (link-repeat:"boogy monsters")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Mental health is", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "castly overrated.", "Advocrazy") ]] of my childhood, were really reasonable (although slightly overworked) human beings. They could direct me to places to get training, help for Laurel. After all, dear, they are professionals, some nurse or other told me. But they didn't know. When I called upon (link-repeat:"the power of social services ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "Social.", "leave her again") (link-goto: "Social who?", "Gestapo") (link-goto: "Soc'll get you if", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "you don't wantch out!", "waiting lists") ]], the hydra came alive - each head spitting a different venom: (link-repeat:"* Abandonment")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "After I") ]] (link-repeat:"* Censure")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sidestreaming") ]] (link-repeat:"* Helplessness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Thin bridges") ]] (link-repeat:"* Freudian Blame")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Bruno's legacy") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profession") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>4 to 1<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: There are 3 kinds of people in this world--those who count and (link-repeat:"those who don't")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Herculean") (link-goto: "Q. How do birds", "Flea Training") (link-goto: "demonstrate their", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "natural superiority?", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "A. By crowing.", "Profession") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Social Services") (link-goto: "back", "Before the storm") (link-goto: "back", "They say") (link-goto: "back", "waiting lists") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Bruno<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Research files DateLine: Summer 95 Buried deep within Bruno Bettleheim's Etiology and Treatment section in the (link-repeat:"Empty Fortress*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Empty Fortress") ]] is a grudging acceptance that "it serves no good purpose to make the parents of autistic children feel guilty as having caused the disturbance." (page 403). But his next (link-repeat:"words betray this")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Words are ghosts", "Once again,") (link-goto: "of meaning that", "Follow up") (link-goto: "have long since", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "outstayed", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "their welcome", "Smokers") ]], as he so fairly points out that he cannot be sure that the parent's attitudes (read mother here) were enough by themselves to cause the problem. On the next page, he magnanimously declares that "While we believe it [parental attitudes] to be a precipitating factor, this makes it only a necessary but not sufficient condition" So, to interpret this, we work backwards. The simplified logic here goes like this: 1. Something is wrong with the child 2. As children interact with their environment, something is wrong with the environment 3. Children interact most with parents. 4. Therefore (link-repeat:"something must be wrong")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Mother, Mother,", "They say") (link-goto: "I feel sick.", "I could never") (link-goto: "call the doctor", "the looks") (link-goto: "quick, quick, quick.", "TRIUMPHS") ]] (the necessary condition) with the mother's attitudes and actions. 5. This may not be enough to cause the problem, but it is obviously there (Conclusion from 1 - 4) This logic has embedded in it a course of treatment: "...find out what experiences may have caused or contributed to infantile autism" (page 404). The path is quite clear: "whether we learn to understand infantile autism depends on whether or not we treat autistic children in ways that parallel Freud's" (page 405). Of course, we can't do that at home, because home is where the problem is. We take the defective child, subject it to intense psychotherapy. At the same time, we take the mother on a pyschoanalytical hunt through her past to determine what went wrong. Ironically, Bettleheim boasts that this way is the only way to promote hope for if we believe (like some of his colleagues) that autism is an innate disorder, we will give up. Maybe in the sixties we did give up, we did keep children with spina bifida and cerebral palsy and other physical ailments in institutions. Things won't get any better, so warehouse them while you still can. But do we (link-repeat:"still give up so easily")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]] in this more enlightened age? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bruno deconstructed") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Sidestreaming<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah From: Sarah Re: Memory files Date: Fall 1993 I need to remember how Laurel got (link-repeat:"sidestreaming*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Yanking") ]]. It is important to understand each step, each stage of the fall. Kindegarten. No. Kindegarten went well. Laurel learned to play with other kids and to take turns. She even made a few friends who came over for her birthday party. It was first grade. Yes. After Laurel's delightful success in kindegarten, I anticipated a smooth first grade year. I had not yet developed the art of cynicism. The first grade teacher was wonderful. She was 62 years old and had been teaching forever because she loved it. She was animated and gentle and cheerful. But, she confided in me (in the parking lot - not in the conference room, of course) she had never had an autistic child in her class and (link-repeat:"didn't want one now")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "That's ok,", "Yanking") (link-goto: "I told her.", "It's no picnic") (link-goto: "If you don't want her,", "regular classroom") (link-goto: "the moon will.", "Out of options") ]]. "They should have told me a year ago that she would be here so that I could take special classes and learn how to teach her. But I don't want to spend a year learning how to teach her. If I did," she said, sealing the logic of her argument, "I'd have been a different kind of teacher all along." I went in to observe. Laurel ran through that class like a bull in a china shop. She played with the kids' hair, untied their shoes when they sat in "circle time". Decorated them with hats from the dress-up area. The teacher didn't tell her, "No." After all, the teacher did not know how to say "no" to an autistic child. She could only teach non-disabled children. The poor children looked to her for guidance, and she instructed them to ignore her. So they did. It was hard, when she was actually touching their feet and faces, but they managed. Such was the trust this teacher inspired in her charges. I spoke to her about Laurel being frustrated because she could not communicate. I asked about the computer in the classroom. I told her Laurel could at least point and click to an activity they were doing or to a color she wanted. She told me, with evident pride, that Laurel was treated just like every other child; she was not allowed any more computer time than anyone else. I stopped short of asking her how much time each child got in a wheel chair, if one child needed that equipment. The teacher complained about Laurel's disruptive presence to the principal. The principal spoke to the district special services coordinator, and the special services coordinator engaged an expensive behavioral consultation firm to observe Laurel's program and recommend a plan of action. The consultants came and took their notes. They wrote up a report recommending that Laurel remain in the classroom, since that was the only environment in which she could learn the skills for success in the classroom. The district rejected this recommendation. They suggested instead that Laurel be moved to a self-contained classroom where two staff people would be assigned to her and only her at all times, and would work intensively on teaching her the skills she would need for "secondary inclusion." This appears to be a hot buzz-word for ''(link-repeat:"you can have your rights...later.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Saying later is like", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "Saying you can have", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "jame every other day--", "Aftermath") (link-goto: "yesterday and tomorrow.", "1-2 punch") ]]'' I am trying to remember why I agreed to this. Most people (link-repeat:"in the community*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Two camps") ]] would not. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Yanking") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Bruno's legacy<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Research files DateLine: Summer 95 Bruno's work, along with others at the time, gave people an easy out: fix the mother, and you will fix the child. Naturally, this involves expensive psychotherapy for both the mother and child. With a preverbal, nonresponsive child, and a mother who wants her child to improve (minimum goals, like stop the round the clock screaming, eat, use the toilet), this can take time. (link-repeat:"Mothers are cold and remote")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have always wanted", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "to chat with", "at all times") (link-goto: "Freud and Bruno's mothers", "again only") (link-goto: "over a nice cup of tea", "For richer") ]]; children are spoiled. Mothers are nonresponsive; children shut out the world with self-stimulation or blank, unresponsive staring. The more painful the psychotherapy, the more we know it works. The more marriages suffer, children suffer, the better--we are getting to the heart of the matter. It took a long time to disprove this without a doubt. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bruno deconstructed") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Freudian blame", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "Freudian blame", "Bruno") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Patriarchy<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Bruno Bettleheim is the patriarch of the autistic treatment and research family--before we do anything, we must (link-repeat:"deny our fathers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Bruno's legacy") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "back", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "back", "When you knew") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno deconstructed") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Empty Fortress<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Bettleheim, Bruno, 1967. The Empty Fortress: Infantile Autism and the Birth of the Self. The Free Press, New York. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Bruno") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno deconstructed") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Bruno deconstructed<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Research files DateLine: Summer 95 These are a layman's notes, so perhaps it is all wrong. I certainly am not going to give this in a conference or to the AMA, so it is not vetted. But so what? I can deconstruct (link-repeat:"Bruno")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why are we still so", "Bruno") (link-goto: "worried about what", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "a dead man thinks?", "Bruno's origin") ]] pretty easily. Much more easily than I can construct him. First off, why does he assume that these illnesses are caused by an emotive disorder? This is akin to assuming that quadruplegics or Down's syndrome or any number of ailments are caused by our emotions. And while I know some people think they are, I think we have enough evidence that if you treat the physical body you can cure or prevent the physical ailments (look at polio, smallpox, etc.) Second, why is it the mother's fault? What happened to the other members of the family who were in the same environment and who did not develop autism? Third, why draw the parallel between the averted gaze of an autistic child and the averted gaze of a concentration camp prisoner? Or a parallel between "(link-repeat:"the disregard of reality")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Reality is for", "it happened") (link-goto: "people who can't", "again only") (link-goto: "handle what's", "disharmonics") (link-goto: "really going on.", "MOONBLOOD") ]] and the withdrawal into fantasy life" ((link-repeat:"page 67*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Empty Fortress") ]]). This is obviously a personal inference: Bruno saw both, and therefore both were related. The idea that autistic children see too much of the world that sounds, sights, taste, smell are too overwhelming as their organs are too highly developed is just as valid (and this is corroborated by accounts from "high functioning" autistic people). Of course, beating up on Bruno is easy to do. We all do it. We have to to (link-repeat:"keep our sanity")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Whom the goddess would", "Patriarchy") (link-goto: "destroy, she first", "MOON MADNESS") (link-goto: "must drive mad.", "HYSTERICS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bruno") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Freudian blame", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "Freudian blame", "Bruno's origin") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>So he knows<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Donna Williams wrote "Nobody Nowhere" in an attempt to understand herself. She felt most comfortable with the label "autistic." Anyway, she saw the same drawing from the autistic child that Bruno describes as a missing breast in the Empty Fortress. She knew better--she had drawn the same picture repeatedly. For her the picture showed her trap, the black distance between her world and the real world. The hole was herself and the black space the (link-repeat:"impossible distance")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I think Laurel knows", "They say") (link-goto: "how different her world", "show and tell") (link-goto: "is from others--", "It's no picnic") (link-goto: "and how alone she is", "people") ]] between her understanding and the world's expectations (page 101). Williams, Donna, 1992. Nobody Nowhere: The Extraordinary Autobiography of an Autistic. Times Books, Random House, New York. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "back", "delete keys") (link-goto: "back", "Loose wire") (link-goto: "back", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "back", "so far") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Bruno's origin<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Research files DateLine: Summer 95 Bruno Bettleheim's work stems from his survival in the German concentration camps. He admits this: "Through (Anna, a patient), the phenomenon of the camps which had long occupied much of my personal and theoretical interest became somehow(linked with my daily work, the treatment of severly disturbed children." ((link-repeat:"page 7*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Empty Fortress") ]]) He is concerned with the loss of humanity that he sees around him--first in the camps, then in the eyes of the lost children (those he (link-repeat:"pins a label on")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Labels are our most", "Autism") (link-goto: "prized possesions.", "ADD") ]]--infantile autism). Naturally, the causes of absence are the same. The souls who fled before their bodies died in camps were fleeing the horrors of men who could kill. Men to whom caring and love were words they had no time to remember, and to whom other human beings could be vermin to be extinguished. Bruno could not find the souls within the autistic children he treated. So he deduced that these souls, too had fled. And whose inhumanity could these innocents have feared? Only that presented at the mother's breast. (link-repeat:"So he knows*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "So he knows") ]] that the children's drawings represent the bizarre inhumanity of a mother's missing breast ((link-repeat:"Figure 8, page 150*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Empty Fortress") ]]). So he knows that the only way to treat these children is to take them from the (link-repeat:"obviously demented mothers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Insanity is hereditary", "LISTEN") (link-goto: "You get it from", "I knew") (link-goto: "your ids", "Cop-sickles") ]]. So he knows that he can save the children lost in this safe prosperity as he could not save those lost in the camps. Thus the (link-repeat:"SS")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "In my dreams,", "Gestapo") (link-goto: "I feel the numbers", "Social Services") (link-goto: "etched on my arm.", "Kelly and I") ]] strikes again. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bruno's legacy") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Mythic origins") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Mythic origins<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Research files DateLine: Summer 95 I need to get a book, Harding, M.E., 1971. Woman's Mysteries. Putnam, NY. I've been reading "The Riddle of Autism". In this introduction, he explains the emotional logic behind blaming the mother for autistic child. He carefully tracks the ancient (link-repeat:"myths of mothers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It takes eons for", "MOON MADNESS") (link-goto: "something to", "TRIUMPHS") (link-goto: "become the truth.", "leaving only") ]] destroying their children to the medieval scourge of witches and misogyny to the present day Freudian based psychology that lays the blame for the child at the mother's breast. He says: "If traits incorrectly attributed to autistic children are derived from herioc myths, the same may be true of traits attributed to their mothers...According to Harding, these mothers were the moon goddesses of various cultures, and the sons whom they destroyed were their favorite children." I want to believe that this is all nonsense. I want my neon lights, my television and computer screens to illuminate the dark corners of the past and tell me it is all some misguided superstition. Yet I know there is some truth that has survived the interminable passage of generations. Somehow, I know that the (link-repeat:"moon mother")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where do you find", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "a lost moon?", "LISTEN") (link-goto: "A. Where you left it.", "MOON MOTHER") ]] still lives after all these millenia. Her hatred or her desperation (I am not sure which) still forces us to devour our children. It is this trait, long suppressed by the science of Freudian analysis and encephalograms that comes to the fore when we least expect it. I must be on guard. I must get this book. Remind me to do this. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bruno's origin") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "REPETITION") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>REPETITION<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> This has happened more than once. I have fought the moon for a hundred centuries, a thousand millenia, an infinite number of eternities. I have been the one to burn out witches, stamp out the ever smoldering scourge of hags who would undermine the true order. The only difference is this time I know (link-repeat:"what I am fighting for")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If I win, I will have", "Rage") (link-goto: "the moon's soul.", "darkness") (link-goto: "If I lose, she will have", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "all our souls.", "TRIUMPHS") ]]. And (link-repeat:"the price of losing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon cannot", "SCATH GEALACH") (link-goto: "afford to compromise.", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "It is our universe", "THE MOON'S PRICE") (link-goto: "or our souls.", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>The father<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 10/18/95 22:54 Subject: Psych-out You guys are gonna love this one. I got a call from Ivan Newchurch, the new psychiatrist the school assigned to Laurel. He doesn't want to see her, doesn't want to know her background or her signals. He thinks (link-repeat:"Buspar*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "drugs") ]] is the answer and then told me I wasn't serious about helping Laurel when I wondered about the target symptoms and interactive side effects. I quoted the Autism Research Institute's summary of parent ratings of behavioral effects of drugs and nutrients, which showed 27 percent of those on Buspar were rated worse for behavior. I suggested Nystatin instead, a 4 percent rating of worse. He looked out the window while I fumbled through my papers. The window didn't enthrall him as much as his pencil did, as he twirled it through his fingers and asked (link-repeat:"where Laurel's father was")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The father here", "You meet") (link-goto: "was anything but", "More storms ahead") (link-goto: "a mythic figure.", "What I know") ]]. Out to lunch is what I wanted to tell him. Just the same as you are now. There are some moments though, that I do manage to hold onto my shreds of sanity, and for which I am duly grateful. "What difference does it make now?" I asked him. My voice was modulated, radiating righteous indignation at the question, but playing the game so he couldn't call me a non team player. "No," he said. The pencil found its way back to the desk as he leaned toward me. "Seriously. Where is the father?" "We separated about six years ago. He is now happily married, a stay-at-home father with two kids. His wife sends me child support payments every other week. Both of the kids speak English," I told him. "(link-repeat:"No one is from the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the difference", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "between Laurel", "After I") (link-goto: "and a chimpanzee.", "HOLD NO HOPE") (link-goto: "A. One is a monkey and", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "the other is a moon-key", "MOONSISTERS") ]] in his new family." I leaned back in my chair and crossed my legs. No signals here, pal. "And you seem to resent this," he said. "No," I told him. "This is what you seem to want to hear." Then he prescribed some Buspar for me, too. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Profession") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Any other questions?") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Any other questions?<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 10/17/96 18: 43 Subject: Mother love Ever notice how people will invariably ask for things they don't really mean? The other day, Dr. Joseph Elnor (the tenth or twelfth in a long line of people called in by social services) examined Laurel. There were (link-repeat:"bruised")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What's black and blue", "TRIUMPHS") (link-goto: "and invisible?", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "A. Laurel's soul.", "Frozen dreams") ]] on Laurel's arms and back, and Social Services thought it was probably Mom who caused them. I told them that I most certainly had not bruised my daughter, but they were welcome to examine her. Which they did. The guy was actually pretty sympathetic, joking about how we'd come a long way from the 50's diagnoses of cold mothers. He didn't subscribe to (link-repeat:"Bruno Betleheim")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why didn't Bettleheim", "Bruno") (link-goto: "drink beer?", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "A. He was a brew-no", "Mythic origins") ]]'s theories, he said, although they were still taught in the med schools as best practice. "But we all know better now," he said. And patted my knee. It only took about three interns to hold Laurel down while he looked at her. The interns wore gloves, and you could see the latex marks like a blue delft china pattern on her pale skin when they finished. When Dr. Elnor took his gloves off from the inside out and washed his hands thoroughly in the metal sink, he turned his face to the wall and said I needed to do a much better job of supervision. Laurel's bruises were pretty much self-explanatory, (in fact, he couldn't tell what were original bruises and what were added from the examination) but these little accidents were simply too much. Obviously, letting a kid in a cast (link-repeat:"climb back up on the roof")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "lucky") ]] was bordering on negligence and quite possibly abuse. But given the circumstances, he really didn't think it would be a good idea to report my case to Social Services as neglect. Was there anything he could do to help? I asked "Do you know a good babysitter?" He walked out. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The father") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "lucky") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>lucky<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 10/17/96 18: 49 Subject: P.S. lucky me Actually, I was pretty lucky , getting Dr. Elnor. Thanks to Colorado's code requiring mandatory reporting of child abuse, he had to take some pains to explain that it was not child abuse, and that I was an ok mother. There is no room for error in the system anymore. We won't have (link-repeat:"children starving in closets")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Laurel is incommunicado.", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "Which is definitely", "Yanking") (link-goto: "note the same as", "Isolation") (link-goto: "being in a closet.", "moon closets") ]] in the good old US of A, no sireebob. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Any other questions?") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "babysitters") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>babysitters<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... Date: 10/18/96 17:12 Subject: Conniving lil ole me I feel so Machievellian at times I even frighten myself. And nothing ever frightens me. Except of course the Mafia. But then I am so briliant a strategist that I could probably think circles around them. Of course, you guys are totally lost without a clue about what I am (or am not, as the case may be) talking about. Babysitters, of course. You think Calvin's mother had problems?? At least her babysitter kept coming back (demanding mucho mulah in the process, but nonetheless...) I have a stopwatch to time (link-repeat:"how long my babysitters last")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I need someone with", "once,") (link-goto: "the patience and strength", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "Horton the elephant had.", "dancing") ]]. The shortest time is 2.8 seconds. As my favorite editor-type friend used to say, out of a "slush pile" of 100 babysitters, 2 or 3 are good for an afternoon read, and 1 perhaps out of a 1,000 are good for actually being able to step out of the house and read. Of course, I would have much better things to do with my spare time than read babysitters. The Machievellian part is coming in here now, so watch out. I have started to take Janet and Laurel to the local high school hangout. These are carefully planned trips on days when Laurel is the most amiable. I wash every part of her body, comb out her butter soft blonde hair, get her into a yellow and green dress with a little Peter Pan collar on it, and we go off for a Root Beer Float with Peanut Butter. These words are usually enough to guarantee pretty good behavior - as long as the Root Beer Float lasts. (link-repeat:"Janet is such a cute little talker")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Someone in this family", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "needs the skills", "she can't talk") (link-goto: "of the Blarney stone", "Success") (link-goto: "to talk for us all.", "Random mixup") ]]. She'll charm the fries off of anybody. And so she reels them in while Laurel and I sit quietly. Then while the bait is staring politely at Laurel's porcelain skin, pixie green eyes, and lithe dancing body, I pounce. So, do any babysitting? No late nights, just a couple of Saturday afternoons so I can get some urgent errands done. Yes, as you can guess, Laurel is disabled. She's autistic. She doesn't communicate or live really on the same world we do. But I'll pay you six times the going rate. And I'll stay in the house with you the first time. What do you say? So far, I've gotten one kid who stayed for the entire first day. But refused to come back. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "lucky") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "PRAYERS UNANSWERED") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>PAYERS UNANSWERED<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Moon, I have pleaded with you to no avail. The volume of my tears now surpasses any measurement of your pain. My feet (link-repeat:"bleed in the snow")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock", "Running again") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Running") (link-goto: "Snow.", "Slip-sliding away") (link-goto: "Snow who?", "Death wish") (link-goto: "It's snow good to cry.", "snowvoice") ]] where your light no longer lives. My ears will harden into (link-repeat:"shattered glass")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sticks and stones", "glass") (link-goto: "May break my bones,", "Broken wires") (link-goto: "But glass will never", "Normalcy") (link-goto: "hurt me.", "BLOOD DROPS") ]] unless you surrender~ and leave my child to me. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Flea Training<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: If you put a flea in a jar and screw on the lid, the flea will jump up and bang itself on the lid. It will jump again, and again discover that, not only can it get no higher, but it will get hurt if it tries. After a while, you can take the lid off the jar. The flea will continue to jump up just below the lip of the jar. It will starve to death before it dares to jump that little bit further (link-repeat:"it would take to be free.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The problem really is", "BORGES") (link-goto: "that we cannot measure", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "beforehand what it", "I will find a way") (link-goto: "would take to get us free.", "leave her again") (link-goto: "And we do not", "RIDING THE FLOOD") (link-goto: "know what that", "Smokers") (link-goto: "freedom would entail.", "Egress") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "looked very hard.") (link-goto: "back", "ok") (link-goto: "back", "4 to 1") (link-goto: "back", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "back", "HIDING THE REAL") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>sidestream<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Sidestreamed. V. As opposed to mainstreamed. Segregated. Separated out. The first step to (link-repeat:"becoming a nonhuman.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sidestreaming") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "back", "a cyst") (link-goto: "back", "hair") (link-goto: "back", "MOON GIRL") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>huffily<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Huffily. Is this a word I should use here? Sounds like an elephant on its last legs. As if elephants even knew they had last legs. Anyway, it probably isn't a word I want my child to catch. Not (link-repeat:"under the circumstances")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "But the circumstances", "PRO RE NATA") (link-goto: "are never right, anyway.", "Pro re nata, def.") ]], anyway. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Yanking") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Yanking<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 11/10/94 23:45 Subject: Mothering is now a crime I am going to be calm about this. I am going to put it down from the beginning. Take a deep breath. And scream later. I agreed to go along with the school's plans again this year to keep Laurel in an intensive private setting - with the stipulation that an aggressive plan for re-integration, with a specific time-table, be included in the IEP. She was to have recess, P.E., and lunch with other kids. Laurel started the year in the big, sunny, special ed room. She had two staff members assigned to her at all times, so that, if she were aggressive to one, the other could move in to intervene - and also, I suspect, so that if (link-repeat:"she ever did start communicating")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "More than anything", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "else, communication is", "Real words") (link-goto: "in the mind of", "After I") (link-goto: "the beholder.", "pre-verbal") ]], or if her behavior worsened or she started playing with her genitals, they'd have a speaking witness to testify that their staff members never abused her. That's okay by me. I believe in the old saying that, "conscience is that still, small voice that tells you someone might be watching." I checked back periodically to see how the re-integration time-line was going. I was told things were going "really well". I never saw anything in writing. I was informed that my frequent visits communicated a lack of faith in the staff. They also said that my presence was disruptive to Laurel, who had "developed certain behavioral expectations" in my presence. I was asked not to come by for at least a month. I continued to volunteer my time at the school - since I couldn't look for a real job and needed to be on hand anyway. One morning, after doing a two-hour shift in the library, I decided to just peek in the door to see Laurel without her seeing me. I had brought in cookies for Janet's class, and since they were a kind (link-repeat:"Laurel could have*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "diets") ]], I wanted to bring her one. She didn't see me. She wasn't there. I asked where Laurel was, thinking I'd be told she was in P.E.. as that was what she was scheduled for. Oh no, they told me. "She's in private therapy." They needed the big room for other things, so Laurel had been moved to a "private classroom." I asked to see the room. Laurel was in what had been a storage closet. Sandwiched between the inner hallway and the special ed room, the ten by six foot space had no external doors and one non-opening window, permanently covered. When I poked my head in, the only functioning door had been closed for some time. The aide had hold of Laurel's wrist, swirling her fingers in menthol shaving cream on a mirror. The smell was overpowering, with no ventilation. Laurel was completely limp and unfocused, clearly (link-repeat:"escaping the sensory assault")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "How do you know when", "bridges") (link-goto: "someone else's senses", "moon hole") (link-goto: "have had enough?", "disharmonics") ]] the only way she could. I took Laurel in my arms and carried her up to the principal's office. She was still groggy, unfocused. Waited outside his door while he met with a student. Then I barged in politely and asked for a minute of his time as it was an emergency. I said (link-repeat:"huffily*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "huffily") ]], "Legally you need to give me ten days warning before substantively changing Laurel's education. Her IEP says that between two and three (it was 2:15) she will be integrating with the P.E. class. Keeping Laurel in a room without ventilation and using toxic substances looks like a substantial change to her health, let alone her education. Why isn't her IEP being followed?" Mr. Maddox replied that "The school (link-repeat:"did not have enough staff")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If bread is", "Out of options") (link-goto: "the staff of life,", "Time costs") (link-goto: "then teachers are", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "the staff of mind.", "at all times") ]] to do the IEP as it was written, so we made a few minor changes." I took a deep breath and said, "I will come here and work, full time, every day, in any capacity that you need, so that you can make available the staff to do my daughter's program as it is written in her IEP." The principal left the office. A few minutes later, the social worker walked in. She said, " I'm really sorry, but I've been told to tell you that you are being disruptive and you have to leave or (link-repeat:"you'll be arrested")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Society is", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "what is arrests.", "Advocrazy") ]]." It took a while to sink in. Arrested for rescuing my daughter from noxious fumes? Arrested for volunteering my servitude? Disruptive for offering to give up my days so that they could be in compliance with the law? So I left. And I took Laurel with me. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sidestreaming") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Withering choices") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>drugs<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Nystatin (or Ketoconazole), Clonidin (or Catapres), Naltrexone (or Trexan), Beta Blocker (or Propranolol, Corgard), Cogentin, Deanol (or Deaner, DMAE), Ohenergan, Anafranil ( or Clomipramine), Fenfluramine (or Pondimin), Tegratol, Lithium, (or Eskalith), Mellaril, Buspar, Prolixin, Benadryl, Depakene (or Valproic Acid), Prozac, Atarax/Vistaril (or Hydoxyzine), Stelazine, Haldol (or Haloperidol), Zarotin, Tofranil (or Imipramine), Dilantin, Thorazine (or Chlorpromazine), Chloral Hydrate, Valium (or Diazepam), Ritalin, Cylert (Pemoline), Amphetamine (Dexedrine), Phenobarbital (or Luminal), Mysoline, Fenfluramine (or Pondimin), Tegratol, Lithium, (or Eskalith), Mellaril, Buspar, Prolixin, Benadryl, Depakene (or Valproic Acid), Prozac, Atarax/Vistaril (or Hydoxyzine), Stelazine, Haldol (or Haloperidol), Zarotin, Tofranil (or Imipramine), Dilantin, Thorazine (or Chlorpromazine), Chloral Hydrate, Valium (or Diazepam), Ritalin, Cylert (Pemoline), Amphetamine (Dexedrine), Phenobarbital (or Luminal), Mysoline,Fenfluramine (or Pondimin), Tegratol, Lithium, (or Eskalith), Mellaril, Buspar, Prolixin, Benadryl, Depakene (or Valproic Acid), Prozac, Atarax/Vistaril (or Hydoxyzine), Stelazine, Haldol (or Haloperidol), Zarotin, Tofranil (or Imipramine), Dilantin, Thorazine (or Chlorpromazine), Chloral Hydrate, Valium (or Diazepam), Ritalin, Cylert (Pemoline), Amphetamine (Dexedrine), Phenobarbital (or LUminal), Mysoline, Fenfluramine (or Pondimin), Tegratol, Lithium, (or Eskalith), Mellaril, Buspar, Prolixin, Benadryl, Depakene (or Valproic Acid), Prozac, Atarax/Vistaril (or Hydoxyzine), Stelazine, Haldol (or Haloperidol), Zarotin, Tofranil (or Imipramine), Dilantin, Thorazine (or Chlorpromazine), Chloral Hydrate, Valium (or Diazepam), Ritalin, Cylert (Pemoline), Amphetamine (Dexedrine), Phenobarbital (or Luminal), Mysoline,..................................... Be afraid. Be very afraid. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "back", "The father") (link-goto: "back", "Putting stuff away") (link-goto: "back", "Credits") (link-goto: "back", "Med-daze") (link-goto: "back", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "back", "Underlying truth") (link-goto: "back", "Not working") (link-goto: "back", "enough") (link-goto: "back", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "back", "Meds") (link-goto: "back", "Going on empty") (link-goto: "back", "Then again") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>diets<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> (link-repeat:"It is a very simple formula: add: codliver oil, molybdenum, multiple vitamins, folic acid, cyanocobalamine, branch-chain amino acids, pancreatic enzymes, MuscleMaker©, calcium, Vitamin C, Folic Acid, Vitamin B6, zinc, Dimethylglycine, essential fatty acids (Evening Primrose Oil), inositol subtract: food dyes, additives, preservatives, white sugar, corn, gluten (that's wheat, barley, oats and rye), lactose and casein (milk sugar and milk protein, respectively), beta-carotene, lycopene, chloropyhll (natural pigments in foods), beta-cryptozanthin, sulphur, carnosine, phenols")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "And rejoice") ]] </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "back", "attention") (link-goto: "back", "Yanking") (link-goto: "back", "Surgery aftermath") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Withering choices<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 10/28/96 17:12 Subject: Which road to take? When? How? There are so many choices offered, so many types of hope. Every few months, the Autism Society of America's Colorado Chapter Quarterly comes out, with everything from calls for research participants for neuropsychological studies to causes (is it genetic? allergens? early antibiotics? reactions to vaccines?) to cures ((link-repeat:"drugs*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "drugs") ]], (link-repeat:"diets*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "diets") ]], occupational therapy). Take this drug, do this aversive, try this behavior mod. The Loovatz method boasts an 80 percent rate of cure - the Loovatz method is debunked. A newspaper article shows a child "reunited" with his family on the xyz method - the next paper shows a child was killed at the xyz clinic and the method is shown to be ineffective. What to do and when to do it is my main concern for Laurel. Have I completely blown her chances for communication, for an independant life because I did not go to New Orleans for the abc method? Or in not going, did I save her life? This is more than a 64,000 dollar question. This is her life. But then of course, (link-repeat:"insurancefatekarmamoon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "However, the message", "I get the message") (link-goto: "is usually hidden.", "MOON CAKES") ]] keeps conspiring against me on this one. Let me just take one example. Auditory Integration Therapy, has a couple of offshoots, but the main idea is to strengthen the hairs in the inner ear and recharges the "channel to the brain and nervous system." It is thought that autistic children have (link-repeat:"hypersenstive hearing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Yanking") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "disharmonics") (link-goto: "Noise.", "snowvoice") (link-goto: "Noise, who?", "After I") (link-goto: "Don't you understand", "had left her") (link-goto: "what no is?", "Loose wire") ]] - a refrigerator sounds to them like standing next to an airplane ready for takeoff would sound to us. (Thought, hell. PROVEN. Laurel makes such a fuss when the air conditioning goes on in the next room that we use her reaction to determine whether or not the air conditioner is actually working.) So the first question is, which branch? The Tomatis method takes 75-120 hours of listening and the Berard takes 10. Each claims success, each claims different methods, each claims different theories behind the success. The second question is, where will the money come from? It's $100 an hour, no matter which method you take. This is of course, experimental, so my insurance won't pay for it. (Mind you, I pay about $300 a month for this insurance, as I am not currently employed with a legitimate employer to kick in any insurance benefits.) Then we fight that battle. Well, insurance will pay for it if a psychiatrists on the preferred provider list refer Laurel to the program. So I spend three days going down the insurance provider list. This one is not doing any referring, this one is out of town, this one is retiring. I finally find a psychiatrist that does referrals, but he won't work with autism. So then I get the school to try to buy into it, but they need the scientific data, which the Auditory Integration Therapy centers aren't giving out. So I get around that, we get it into the Individualized Education Plan somehow, and then both centers close in Denver and the nearest one is in Montreal. Which the district will not stand for. So,what to do really does become the question. I follow up one tantalizing lead (step right up ladies and gentleman, see the dead brought back to life! See the (link-repeat:"preverbal*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "pre-verbal") ]], aggressive child take biology and calculus in high school! Witness a miracle!) only to work through the dead ends and find the choice withering away. Should I have spent that time and money chasing down a different pipe dream? Or would I be better off to do nothing at all? This is what I do not know. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Yanking") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Consultants") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Consultants<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Cognitive Consultants, P.C. 1893 Old Golden Road, Suite 304. Lakewood, CO 80215 Matthew Ames, Ph.D., John J. Alfred, ED. D, Mark Lucas, Psy. D. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sarah Murphy (Laurel) Diagnosis and Recommendations I recently completed my review of the extensive records provided by the mother and school district. I have reviewed the situation with Ms. Bradshaw, Ms. Scratcherd, and Dr. Morgan. I believe we agree that given the signs of episodic (link-repeat:"physiocological hyperarousal")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What is physiocological", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "hyperarousal to some", "Emergency") (link-goto: "is a perfectly understood", "potatoe eyes") (link-goto: "reaction to others.", "moon skin") ]], and barring any cardiovascular contraindications, and in the absence of a definitive co-existing medical or psychiatric problem, a trial of Clonidine would probably be a relatively benign, conservative, and possibly effective treatment. However, I should emphasize that we are talking in terms of estimates of relative probablities of sucess here, and that (link-repeat:"trials of several different medications")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Does anyone know", "Laughing meds") (link-goto: "any good medicine", "Med-daze") (link-goto: "men who can put", "trip") (link-goto: "Laurel's soul back again?", "And rejoice") ]] may be necessary before we arrive at the most efficacious, optimal solution. What is crucial here is that (1) Each different medication is given a "fair trail" and (2) we are taking very good data to determine the effects of each medication. By a "fair trail," I am referring to the extremely consistent administration of each medication as prescribed, at a therapeutic level (which may require several increases in dosages) for a minimum period of time as determined by Laurel's physician. We can set up an appropriate data collection system for you and the school. This is likely to be a long process involving a period of several months or years, and patience is critical. We should avoid discontinuing any medication before a fair trial is completed, except of course in cases where there are significant and unmistakable negative impacts. Even in these cases, continue the medication until Laurel's physician and I have consulted. Please contact me if you have any questions, and please give my regards to Mr. Morgan, the principal, who has been a (link-repeat:"pleasure to work")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Birds of a feather", "Out of options") (link-goto: "are known for their", "Social decision") (link-goto: "ability to", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "preen each other.", "Paranoia") ]] with. Sincerely Yours, John Alfred, EdD. Licensed Psychologist. cc. Dr. Morgan, M.D. Ms. Bradshaw, Special Education Coordinator, Cattail Creek School District </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Withering choices") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Try outs") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Try outs<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 10/18/97 18:54 Subject: You can't get there from here, lady. I applied for a job today. It's a $6.50 per hour, data-entry at home job. But after driving out to Westminster and taking the typing test and the IQ test and filling out the application, they gave me a list of "policies" that says you can't have children at home while you're working. Me, being the honest person I am, told the receptionist that my 7 and 9 year olds would be home some of the time. Me, being the simple, straightforward, and dishonest person that I am, did not explain about Laurel's handicap, the times they take her from school, or anything else about the matter. I figured the simplest explanations were all the receptionist could handle. Apparently, she could not even handle this. Her face fell about a thousand miles and she inched back in horror that I would come looking for an at home job and actually have kids at the same time. She said that would disqualify me for the job. And pursed her lips. I told her that, if I could get child care, I wouldn't be working for $6.50 an hour. She said she'd bring it up with the boss and turned back to her paperwork. I was definitely dismissed. I've been looking for a way to keep food on the table and electricity in the computer so I can have a lifeline to you guys and the autism list. All I saw yesterday for at-home work was the old "stuff envelopes at home" trick and the even older profession -(link-repeat:"phone sex*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "charges") ]]. Obviously I took advantage of neither one. We'll see. Something has to turn up - after all I can't live my whole life in a (link-repeat:"catch-22")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Now I understand why", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "the richer get richer", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "and the poor get children", "Damned if you do") ]], now can I? G'night. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Consultants") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Out on a limb") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Out on a limb<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 11/29/96 18:12 Subject: Without a tree. One of my neighbors came over today to ask me why my leaves still weren't raked. And for that matter, why I hadn't bothered to mow the lawn* all summer long. He said that my inexcusable laxness was driving down the property values for the whole neighborhood. And he didn't even want to look inside. I tried to explain that I was a single mother trying to raise two kids, and one of these kids needed 12 hour a day therapy. He said that in this day and age that was no excuse. So I thought I'd let him see the world from my point of view. Only he wouldn't stay long enough to listen. So I typed out a morning for him anyway: The dog is barfing in the kitchen because she ate some sugar Laurel sprinkled on the floor. Janet wants to find her pink and purple tee shirt and meanwhile Laurel is putting her hands through the glass windows and clutching the (link-repeat:"sharp glass edges")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Glass is the prism", "glass") (link-goto: "that separates our", "Running") (link-goto: "souls into their", "Slip-sliding away") (link-goto: "deepest bands of light.", "GLASS ENDINGS") ]] so that there are glass shards in her hands that go nearly through to the other side. So you go to the emergency room. There is (link-repeat:"no one to watch")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I like the old idea", "babysitters") (link-goto: "of trying a child", "Electronic madness") (link-goto: "to a leash", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "in the front yard.", "Reputations") ]] Janet so off she goes with you, only you forget Smiley, her stuffed rat, and you have to drive the car, make sure Laurel doesn't faint, and explain to Janet that you simply cannot turn the car around and retrieve Smiley and Smiley will be there when you get back. Laurel is white faced, her eyes slowly widening as she says nothing but holds the hand out in front of her without waving. You wait in the emergency room and try to comfort Laurel who is now rocking and dripping blood over the emergency room carpet as each rocking motion drives the glass shard deeper into her hand. You try to keep your eye on Janet who is hopping up and down on one foot, trying to read "Place your insurance information here" and coming close to stabbing her face with a pencil she has picked up from god knows where. When you get to see the doctor, he asks what happened. You explain that you don't really know, and are not sure how deep the glass shards go. He puts in stitches without telling Laurel or you what is happening, and Laurel jerks her hand away. This time you ask a nurse to explains exactly what is going on and she does a great job, so you feel like a jerk for being mad at the doctor. Then you explain to the doctor that Laurel will rip out the stitches before you get to the car. The doctor tells you as he is walking away, "Well, don't let her." "Who do you think is driving?" You ask his back. He turns back to you, "Can't someone else pick you up?" You rack your brain and go through your address book. Dad is out of town, the Hardys are on vacation, and that exhausts your entire repetoire of a support network. There is no one else available. In the entire Metro Denver phone book, there are (link-repeat:"no friends to call")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "How do you reach out", "Anything") (link-goto: "and touch someone if you", "she asked") (link-goto: "don't know they are there?", "All I wanted") ]]. You shake your head. The doctor leaves. You try to wrestle the steering wheel out of your daughter's bound hands. The wound starts to bleed again and the stitches catch on the gearshaft. You return to the emergency room and ask for a different doctor. And go through the whole thing again. Right, well, this is about as far as I can get in the scenario--not that I couldn't go on indefinitely, but Laurel just woke up and I need to make sure she doesn't try to take a shower with her bandaged hands. Donations to the Massachusetts State Home for the Bewildered would be welcome as long as they contain a one-way ticket for me. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Try outs") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Catch 22") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>mowing grace<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Note: Actually, I can't just leave on that note. I gotta add that Mr. Cooper has just come over and is mowing the lawn as I type. I guess Mr. Cooper must have heard this guy going on about my lawn and is doing something about it. It makes my heart soar to know there are still people like that in the world. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Out on a limb") (link-goto: "back", "Cast of characters") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Catch 22<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 3/08/95 21:47 Subject: (link-repeat:"Flea training*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Flea Training") ]] So many of you have asked why Laurel is not receiving Social Security disability payments. These would pay for some of the medical treatments, food, etc. I have tried, believe me. I will probably try again very soon. Just as quickly as we recover from (link-repeat:"the last battle")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sometimes, you eat", "My chains") (link-goto: "the moon.", "Yanking") (link-goto: "Sometimes, the moon", "leave her again") (link-goto: "eats you.", "Leaving") ]] with the red-tape breathing dragon. About a year ago, I called up the local office. They set up an appointment. As it was summer vacation, had to take Janet with me. I couldn't take Laurel because I knew she'd tear the place apart. So I got Chris to watch Laurel and off we went. We sat in a hallway with orange plastic chairs until forty-five minutes after our appointment time. Then the worker, Ms. A, has something to say about how she's sorry to be late; she forgot to schedule herself a lunch, so she's going to have to make all her afternoon appointments wait. I say, "These things happen." I'm sincerely ready to blow it off. Then she says we need to begin by going over my form S-1375/B or something. I tell her I don't have a form S-1375/B. She says, "Well, you can't apply unless you have an S dash one three seven five stroke B." She stares at me accusingly for a minute. Trying to be helpful, I say, "Could you give me a form S dash one three seven five stroke B?" She says, "No. You're supposed to have it." I say, "Where was I supposed to get it?" She says, "From us." I say, "I don't have it." She says, "Then you must have lost it." (Her voice is getting snippier by the minute.) I say, "I guess I must have. May I have another?" She says, "No." And she leans back and just stares at me, looking smugly contemptuous, as if she has taught me a lesson for my irresponsible ways, and I won't ever take HER for granted again! I ask to speak to her supervisor. She demands to know why. I tell her it appears we have reached an impasse. She says that we would not have if I would just give her the form. We go around a little while. Janet bursts into tears. I excuse us and go to the front desk where I demand to see the woman's supervisor. I hold Janet as she sobs on my shoulder. Janet tells me she is so afraid that the lady is going to take us away because we don't have the form. I tell her I am going to fix it. After fifteen minutes, the supervisor, Ms. B, calls us back into her office. I explain the problem about my not having and apparently having no right to obtain a form S dash one three seven five stroke B. She pulls up Laurel's case on the computer, peruses it for a moment and says, "Oh, you don't need that anyway." She gives me a list of the documentation I do need, and enters the follow-up appointment herself, with a different worker, Ms. C. The next available appointment is six weeks away. She tells me not to worry; eligibility for benefits is calculated from the date of first application, so Laurel will be receiving benefits retroactively to that date, even though we had a "miscommunication" about the paperwork needed. Six weeks later, I arrive for my appointment, documentation in hand. I inform the people at the front desk that I have an appointment with Ms. C. The receptionist says actually, my appointment is with Ms. A. I say there must be some mistake. Ms. A was extremely antagonistic to me last time -- actually drove my child to tears -- and Ms. B told me I could see Ms. C. The receptionist informs me that Ms. B is no longer with the department. Moreover, all cases are assigned by the first letter of the applicant's last name. Our case belongs to Ms. A and no one else. So fine, here I am. I go see Ms. A. Ms. A sits down at the computer and says that today will be my initial application date since it's the first time I have come into the office. I tell her it isn't; the first time was six weeks earlier. She says that can't possibly be true, because if it were, we would be in the computer. She says, "There's no way for that to be erased unless somebody deliberately went in and erased it." (Smirk) I say, "But I met with you. My daughter was with me." She insists she has no recollection of having met before. I return to the front desk and ask to speak to the supervisor. I explain the situation and ask to see a different worker. She says, "What would happen if everyone was allowed to choose their worker?" I respond, "I guess you'd find out in a hurry who's good and who's a smirking bitch." The supervisor responded that I had the option of using the Social Security office the next county over. She added, helpfully, that they would send over my paperwork confirming that today should be preserved as the initial application date for calculating benefits. I said, "Yes, thank you." Took her name and left. Eight weeks later, I have the earliest available appointment in the next county. The worker wants me to bring Laurel with me. She says this will circumvent a lot of the documentation. I explain that Laurel does not wait well and becomes violent. I ask for the very first appointment after her lunch break, so she should not be running late. After a thirty minute drive, we arrive. Laurel is soooo good. I am really proud. We play games: "Touch your nose." "Do this." "Clap your hands." "Tickle, tickle, stop." After twenty-five minutes, Laurel is getting antsy. I stall for time. We walk around the building. We go to the bathroom. I take off her shoes and massage her feet. Then, a miracle! Laurel signs "all done"! Spontaneous communication! (link-repeat:"Such things must be honored")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Getting what you want", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "involves more than", "Life in Laurel's lane") (link-goto: "communication.", "Doubletake") ]]. But no. We have been waiting forty-five minutes. The worker will call for us any moment. Well, if words don't work, Laurel knows what will. She begins rocking, humming, rubbing frantically at her nose. I try to touch her. The humming becomes a screech as she lashes out at my face. She jumps out of her seat and runs for the door and the busy parking lot. I restrain her. She screams and rocks hard into my chest. I take her down to the floor, wrapping both our arms around her. Her frantic rocking connects the back of her head to my eyebrows. I'm seeing lovely, violet flowers blooming before my eyes. She bites at my hands. I am vaguely aware that everyone is staring. Light as a cat, I spring around in front of Laurel, saying and signing, "All done?!" Laurel emphatically imitates the "all done" sign. I say, "OK! Good talking! Let's go!" And we are out the door. When I get home, there is a message on the machine. The worker says it was less than five minutes after I left that she came out to get us; there had been an emergency. Everyone told her what had happened. She would give us the next available appointment. And I didn't have to bring Laurel this time. By the way, she had called the other office, and they had no record of my having been in. But not to worry; she would make sure that today was preserved as my date of initial application, for calculating benefits. I never went back. It's my fault, I suppose, for not pursuing my resources. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Out on a limb") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Follow up") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Follow up<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 9/30/96 Ms. Peggy Somebody or Other up at (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Social Services") (link-goto: "Gestapo.", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "Gestapo who?", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "Gestapo or I'll shoot.", "Gestapo") ]] called wanting to know why Laurel had not been in school from November 10 to January 19th of last year. Now I want you to note that this is an entire year later and the SS neglected to say anything about this last year when I called. Apparently, they don't have any records of my calling the Colorado Department of Education every single day of those 2 months. Even the Office of Civil Rights doesn't have records of bouncing me back and forth. She briskly implied that this was neglect on my part and really didn't want to hang around on the phone for an answer. So I told her that I yanked Laurel when I discovered that they had her in that (link-repeat:"storage closet")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hi, I'm not a", "Yanking") (link-goto: "professional. But I", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "play one in the meetings.", "Resource letter") ]] 6.5 hours a day, with untrained staff, doing peg boards and playing with shaving cream. She thought that this was a very unprofessional thing for "Mom" to do and that if I couldn't cooperate with the school board, they really shouldn't cooperate with me. I asked her if she had been listening. She said she had been. Every word. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Catch 22") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Smokers") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Smokers<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/17/96 23:59 Subject: I know education is supposed to hurt, but this is ridiculous. Hey guys, ever put your foot down only to have it go through a wall? Crazy spaceship earth where anything can happen. And it usually does. I think I need a ticket off this planet. And yet where would I go? Ahh, the typical vacationer's dilemma. So happy am I that something in my life is typical. Anyway, anyway, anyway. Laurel is having her "little Christmas frenzies," as Mr. Maddox so quaintly put it, so we agreed to try a day program. I had to say ok, because they weren't giving me any other choice. So agree I guess I did. This is what it says on the papers. Consent given. After only four weeks on inaction (such speedy gonzales they said they were for me, most people take eight to twelve weeks for (link-repeat:"emergency placements")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency placement") ]].) It is a lady willing to babysit/teach and her daughter. Which is cool - I mean I'm all for free enterprise. Just look at how I get (link-repeat:"babysitters")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Snookering babysitters", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "is not as easy", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "as you might think.", "waiting lists") ]]. So the lady comes up to the door, reeking of cigarette smoke. (Have I mentioned before that whenever Laurel is exposed to cigarette smoke, she develops large hives and starts coughing? The coughs usually end up long and deep, keeping us all up nights for weeks on end.) And it is too late now to do anything, the school says we have to do this for a minimum trial period. (A stray thought wandered into my mind: Wonder if they would force other kids to endure a classroom on top of a powerplant stack for a minimum trial period. . .but I banish this wispy thought immediately as unworthy.) I ask her if she smokes in the house. She says "Yeah, gotta problem with that?" (link-repeat:"I can say nothing--")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Where do our words", "Can't say 1") (link-goto: "go when we are too", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "angry to voice them?", "say nothing") ]] I am so mad. So she assumes I don't and leaves. Laurel's green and yellow ruffles droop slowly as she walks behind the lady. She brings Laurel back, and I can see the rash starting on Laurel's chin and down under the neckline of her dress. She says "The cutest thing happened. My daughter had a candy cigarette and said she was going to chill out with a smoke and gave your daughter one too. Your daughter held it just right." And the lady smiled and left. I called the school and said no more, no more. They said I was refusing recommended treatment and would not pay for anything else. Laurel is coughing now, and bringing up great hunks of blood. Already. Next year had better be better. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Follow up") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Aha") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Life sparks") (link-goto: "Canoli", "Tobacco shards") (link-goto: "Canoli who?", "Rage") (link-goto: "Hang on baby,", "Stubbed out") (link-goto: "it canoli", "Imbibe") (link-goto: "get worse from here.", "Death fear") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Emergency placement<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: The longest time for an emergency placement that I ever heard about (and it could be apocryphal) was five years. Which makes you really stop and think about just (link-repeat:"what an emergency means")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "A panic attack", "Emergency") (link-goto: "on your part does not", "Attack time") (link-goto: "constitute an emergency", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "on my part.", "melted?!?") ]] nowadays. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Smokers") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Aha<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Once I figured out that my life is a cigarette, (link-repeat:"the whole thing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Life is like a cigarette-", "Ach du lieber") (link-goto: "It doesn't matter", "disappearing from view") (link-goto: "what you put into it,", "Vanity") (link-goto: "as long as itwill burn.", "Undercoverings") ]] fell into place. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="PO"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life sparks") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Life sparks<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The spark of my life flies down the fragile white paper, consuming fragrant shards of old leaves. Its intensity frightens the air around me into waves of smoke, agitating our leaves into consciousness, forcing them to flee under threats of social services, into patterns of (link-repeat:"catch-22's")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Every pattern", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "has its own", "Gestapo") (link-goto: "reason for being.", "Catch 22") ]], between the knives of accusations and counteraccusations. And the spark burns brightest between them as the moon takes a deep drag, holding our soul smoke in her lungs before letting us out of her nicotine ecstasy. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Aha") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Tobacco shards") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Aha<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> So what happens when I am no (link-repeat:"longer here")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I have never figured out", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "the crucial difference", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "between life and death", "BORGES") ]]? I do not try to fool myself. I know Laurel will be warehoused, left unprotected to live or die, or some mixture of the two. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Imbibe") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOON'S PRICE") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Imbibe<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The smoke of my death lingers through my thoughts, infusing every breath of my being with (link-repeat:"nothing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I know that nothing", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "lies beyond death.", "My soul") (link-goto: "But I do not know", "Slipping") (link-goto: "what nothing is.", "shut downs") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Stubbed out") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Death fear") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Stubbed out<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Then I will be stubbed out, leaving the orange filter behind, lifeless. (link-repeat:"Laurel will be left")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Which fear is greater:", "doors") (link-goto: "That she will die first,", "Leaving") (link-goto: "or that I will?", "alone.") ]], smoldering in some ashtray, her soul swept out with the gray fine ash. Will her soul leave a residue? </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Rage") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Imbibe") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Tobacco shards<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Laurel, like the thin soft shards of tobacco, exists only because she is so tightly packed into that cigarette, her life warmed through my spark, (link-repeat:"burned through")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Most people burn their", "My soul") (link-goto: "candles at both ends.", "personal sentiments") (link-goto: "I burn mine the right", "SOLE REMEDY") (link-goto: "through the middle.", "LIFE FEAR") ]] with my soul. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Life sparks") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Rage") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>Rage<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Sometimes I think that when I die my soul will turn into smoke, infesting the lungs of all around me. Then Laurel will feel me tickling through her bronchioles, carressing her alveoli. My essence will infuse the walls of her smallest capillaries, breathe into each platelet, cascade though her red blood, coursing into the depths of her being. My smoke will take refuge in her, leaving her without a refuge. Will she understand this? Will she be aware enough to feel her rage when my soul smoke dissolves (link-repeat:"her soul's protection")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Choose", "Escapes vetoed") (link-goto: "your battles carefully.", "TRIUMPHS") (link-goto: "I did not choose this one", "at all times") (link-goto: "but I will fight it.", "leave her again") ]]? </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Tobacco shards") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Stubbed out") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>THE MOON'S PRICE<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Certainly the moon will take (link-repeat:"only her soul")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I am not sure", "MOONSISTERS") (link-goto: "which is the", "SOLE REMEDY") (link-goto: "greater sacrifice.", "MOON FALLEN") ]], not her body. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Death fear") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>ALTERED SACRIFICES<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> An open letter to Social Services. Congratulations. You win. I've had (link-repeat:"all the red tape")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock", "My chains") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "Dozen.", "Follow up") (link-goto: "Dozen who?", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "Dozen anyone care", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "around here?", "Getting down to it") ]], the bloodied bits of papers and forms I can take. I now ask only that I be allowed to sacrifice my golden girl, my strong silent daughter to your highest altar. After all, this is what you have wanted all along. Like Hecate's night hawks, you swoop down and cast her (link-repeat:"into your temptest")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I know what you want.", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "You want the pearls that", "HIDING THE REAL") (link-goto: "were her eyes.", "BLOOD DROPS") ]]. I know she will never escape from your whirlwind of phone calls which end only in empty shadows beyond the moon. Would you ever be as kind as Artemis, who at least took her sacrifice, Iphegenia, away from the cruel brothers and gave her a hundred palaces in the moon? No. I thought not. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "FLOOD OF WORDS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Implement<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: That's what they do in institutions: implement solutions, like some old fashioned paddle. Implement, v. To carry into effect. To satisfy. To provide or fit with implements. Implement, n. A utensil or instrument used in any trade. A household belonging. (link-repeat:"Something needed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we want and", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "what we need are", "SOLE REMEDY") (link-goto: "never the same.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]] to make a thing complete. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "back", "Devices") (link-goto: "back", "I knew") (link-goto: "back", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "back", "Going on empty") (link-goto: "back", "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Uncertain<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/3/96 01:29 Subject: What to do what to do what to do I guess I don't know what I'm saying here. I know (link-repeat:"I don't have answers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is in the", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "middle of an answer?", "I knew") (link-goto: "A. An ass (s)", "The answer sheet") ]], but I don't have any questions either. I'm sure I should. What really blew my mind was catching myself in the act of discussing straight-jackets, (link-repeat:"cuffs")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If we restrain", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "her body,", "Crypt") (link-goto: "will her soul", "clouds creep") (link-goto: "feel free to fly?", "Incredulous") ]], and (link-repeat:"time out closets")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Is this time out", "Isolation") (link-goto: "of her world", "Yanking") (link-goto: "or ours?", "Sidestreaming") ]] for my daughter. I was so calm, it worries me. Shouldn't I be upset? Shouldn't I be demanding that they provide more or better services and make some progress? I really do believe that they are doing everything I could wish. These people are committed to Laurel in a way that puts my mothering in a bad light. They -love- her. And I do not use that word lightly. They are more knowledgable, patient and compassionate than I am - or if not, they have the added discipline of team support and limited contact. They are doing everything I could suggest and more. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Whatcha gonna do") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Time costs") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Hecatomb<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Hecatomb.n. Sacrifice of one hundred victims to Hecate. This happened quite frequently, and always on the dark of the moon. I'm not sure if this is what Hecate wanted in the first place, or if she (link-repeat:"grew to want it ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The taste for blood", "Mythic origins") (link-goto: "is something you acquire", "moon closets") (link-goto: "only after you have", "My soul") (link-goto: "shed enough of it.", "WILD MOONS") ]] later. The taste of blood grows on you after a while. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "MOON SHADOWS") (link-goto: "back", "AFTER THE FALL") (link-goto: "back", "He means") (link-goto: "back", "Escapes vetoed") (link-goto: "back", "intentions.") (link-goto: "back", "NO TURNING BACK") (link-goto: "back", "HIDING THE REAL") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Time costs<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: The price of a child Date: 12/4/94 7:19 Ms. Bradshaw, the district coordinator of special education, mentioned a few times that Laurel's program is costing in excess of $60,000 a year, and that (link-repeat:"we can't continue")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Adults know money", "the bullshit") (link-goto: "is the magic", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "everything depends on.", "Out of options") ]] this arrangement indefinitely. Creating an environment in which Laurel would be at ease is not part of the consideration. Yet they really did do some contortions to work this out, and I may be able to get something similar for next year, but after that, there are no programs like this available. We really must move toward less or more restrictive in the near future. I should mention that I believe absolutely that the program they have for Laurel is the best possible; she loves to go to school. Sometimes she dresses and goes on Saturdays, or she leaves the house in the morning before I'm ready. The academic work is appropriate and interesting and constantly reviewed and updated. They do a lot of sensory stuff, like swinging, swimming, gymnastics, pressure stuff to stimulate nerves and calm senses. They analyze each episode of aggression and try to teach Laurel alternative, functional methods of communicating her needs. None of us can find anything in the program to improve. But we don't know what will happen in the future. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Uncertain") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Meds") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Meds<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Invitation to a Mad Hatter Tea Party Date: 12/10/97 17:39 The school suggested more medication and a tighter regime for checking the results of the current medication. I had already decided to try this, and I have been getting the insurance and information release paperwork in to a psychiatrist I'm (link-repeat:"not entirely comfortable with ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What did the shrink", "I knew") (link-goto: "say to the ham?", "The father") (link-goto: "A. You're cured.", "Bruno's legacy") ]], but who will probably be adequate in his limited role. He knows pharmaceutical interventions, and he's conservative. He knows nothing about other forms of intervention. Even so, the first med may not be the right one, and it could take three weeks or more to even know what effect the first thing we try will have. So that's a yes, but not fast enough, and the results are not guaranteed. So, looks like we'll be having (link-repeat:"enzyme and protease cocktail")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Drugs are for", "drugs") (link-goto: "people who really", "Laughing meds") (link-goto: "understand what's", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "going on.", "Med-daze") ]] soup for lunch for a while. Anyone care to join us? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Time costs") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Have it your way") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Have it your way<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 12/15/96 21:29 Subject: Behaviorial conditioning in action. The school feels that safety should be the number one priority. How could I argue with that? So the school staff wrote into the behavior program that, if Laurel was aggressive three times in one day, the school would call me and I would have to come pick her up. The consultants objected: Laurel would learn to hit to communicate that she wanted to go home. I objected: this functionally prevented me from being (link-repeat:"able to work")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Having a job is the", "For poorer") (link-goto: "only way you are allowed", "Try outs") (link-goto: "to function in society.", "Resourceless") ]], since I had to be on call every moment of every day. And besides, since when was going home with Mom a punishment? The school staff helpfully suggested that, when I came to take her home, I should make sure the day was not pleasant, so that she would not wish to come home in the future. Last Monday, I got a call at 3p.m telling me that Laurel was having a very difficult morning and I must come get her right away. Tuesday, I got a call at 10 am. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, I got a call at 9:20 am. Why the precise time? This is five minutes after the new behavioral specialist (whom Laurel likes a great deal) leaves. Dr. Joseph Alfred, EdD. a behavioral specialist the district just employed as a new consultant, now comes to work with Laurel and teach her staff strategies from 8:30 to 9:15 a.m. When I returned home from getting Laurel, who was (link-repeat:"just too aggressive ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you don't", "Emergency") (link-goto: "fit in,", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "destroying the world", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "seems your only option.", "moon door") ]] to be at school safely, there would be a message on my phone from Dr. Alfred telling me what a great day Laurel was having, what a delightful mood she was in. Is it just my imagination, or is Laurel a fast learner? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Meds") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Armor") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Armor<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: How to protect yourself against little girls Date: 1/03/97 19:19 The school finally came around! GOOD NEWS! Yes, sending Laurel home after she hits three times simply means that Laurel will hit three times and expect to go home. So they decided to keep her in school when she is agressive. Safety is still the number one concern, so how do we ensure that the teachers are safe? Carrie objected to wearing protective gear (my idea) for reasons I don't understand. She said it was like sending teachers to karate class to learn to defend themselves. My thought was, "What's wrong with that?" Do what you need to do to help the child. In fact, the district ought to sponsor karate classes where teachers could learn how to subdue kids without hurting them. Now, the teachers are forced to rely on their instincts, which probably do more harm than good in most cases. I tried to explain this, but the staff was so aghast at the idea that they turned their ears inside out. (link-repeat:"And would not listen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why do corn stalks", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "make good shrinks?", "Follow up") (link-goto: "A. Because they have ears", "other moons") (link-goto: "that can't hear.", "SOLE REMEDY") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Have it your way") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sandwiches") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Sandwiches<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: A peaceful intervention Date: 1/12/97 12:23 Carrie and Marilyn have been working with peaceful interventions (when Laurel is actually there). Dr. Alfred, the behavoir specialist, provided two bean bag chairs and a blanket, and Laurel sits in one and they cover her with the other and lie on it, forming a Laurel sandwich. They are teaching her to request this by moving her hands together over a pencil. Marilyn often massages her hands while she leans on the top bean bag. They always stop when she "tells" them to. This corresponds to occupational therapy or sensory integration. It seems to soothe her and they don't have any violent episodes after the sandwich treatment. Most mothers talk about which brand of peanut butter smooths on better. I talk about Temple Grandin's squeeze machine that does the same thing but would cost about $800 if you make it yourself or $4000. Or intelliTools' catalogue of keyboards and software and adaptive stuff for customized communication boards. Which is why I don't star in all that many commercials. Then we get into southpaw occupational therapy, wieghted belts, shoes, blankets, swings, etc.... I'm thinking of starting a list. You know (link-repeat:"you are a special parent")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Parents of autistic", "They say") (link-goto: "children know", "uneventful") (link-goto: "their world intimately.", "Special") ]] when: ¤ Your kids don't have toys - they have therapy equipment ¤ You think koosh balls build fine motor skills ¤ Your kid (link-repeat:"falls off the roof")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where did Lassis last", "Show biz") (link-goto: "leave Timmy?", "After the show") (link-goto: "A. On the woof.", "Any other questions?") ]] and all you can say is "We need to emphasize upper body gross motor skills for a while" ¤ You don't have (link-repeat:"living room and a family room")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "loving room") ]] - you have a gross motor area and fine motor area. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Armor") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Isolation") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Isolation<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: What to do what to do what to do Date: 12/10/97 18:19 What the school does have right now is a storage closet in the room that could be cleared out and altered to be a "time out room." Carrie hemmed and hawwed about it. She said she had resolved years ago never to use a time out room again. We talked about it being used just to keep them safe, and it being not a punishment, but a place where Laurel could be kept safe while she calms down. She likes to be alone, and she usually recovers from upset best that way. Carrie rolled her eyes and said, sarcastically, "Great. We'll paint balloons and (link-repeat:"stick CDs")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. When do records run?", "cds") (link-goto: "A. When they cd b's.", "moon cd") ]] on the walls . . ." Ms. Bradshaw, the district special ed coordinator said, "We'll call it Laurel's safe place." Carrie said, "Dress it up and call it anything you want. It's still a time-out room. But I can't see any better alternative." The vice-principal and the district head said they'd take care of it between them; there are requirements in the district, such as that the door must have a window or peep hole. I insisted that it have (link-repeat:"adequate ventilation")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Yanking") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Stubbed out") (link-goto: "Breath", "Fear") (link-goto: "Breath who?", "Slipping") (link-goto: "Why? I'm not sneezing", "leaving only") ]]. They also said they'd need paperwork getting my OK, and that I could stipulate that only Carrie and Marilyn are allowed to put Laurel in there. (And Laurel, I suppose.) So that a sub or other staff would be unable to use it. This makes sense to me. Of course, there aren't any subs for Laurel. If Carrie or Marilyn are ill and can't come to school, the school simply calls me and tells me to pick up Laurel. This happens about once a week or so right now, so I still can't actually get a steady job or earn money where people expect me to show up. Ah well. Such is the life of an isolated mother and child. In the big city. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sandwiches") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Unsafe") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Job description<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 10/18/95 17:12 Subject: Just driving along, minding my own business.... (link-repeat:"I wish I lived in a horror film")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the difference", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "between a horror movie", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "and my life?", "grass talks") (link-goto: "Horror movies end.", "Emergency 3") ]]; it would be so much more believable than my real life. But I swear this is true, just the way it happened. Apparently, one of the kids who rides the handicapped bus with Laurel had been out for over a month. Medically fragile, you know. Yesterday, this kid's mom pushes his chair out to the curb. The aide fetches up the lift and straps the chair in place. Along they jounce with their load of disabled kids. I can see Laurel stroking her face, rocking back and forth and staring at the kid. She was sitting right across from him, they tell me. Why do they tell me these trivial details, I hear you ask yourselves. Because when the bus got to the school, there was this big uproar. It seems the kid in the chair was dead. Somebody asked the aide if the kid was dead when he got on the bus and she said, "I don't know. (link-repeat:"That's not part of my job")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "CAUTION.", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "If you look outside", "Smokers") (link-goto: "the lines,", "OCR") (link-goto: "you will go mad", "Train's booked solid") ]]." </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Unsafe") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "WILD MOONS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Unsafe<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Where to go, where to go, where to go Date: 12/9/97 23: 04 Laurel is already in a room with her two teachers and no other students. But she still goes after them so fiercely that they are not safe. Today Laurel was attacking her teachers and they left the room, one holding each of the two doors. She opened a window, went outside and came 'round, laughing. Isolating Laurel further would involve identifying another room, another school, an institution or other place without windows, where she could be kept away from people she might hurt, and she wouldn't be able to get out. Her teachers object to the idea of moving her. They say they are already in as safe an environment as they could be in given the circumstances. And more time out rooms or windowless prisons would not help matters. For once, I agree with them. Which still doesn't leave (link-repeat:"open many options")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My Laurel lies", "Alternatives") (link-goto: "over the moonbeam,", "Out of options") (link-goto: "My Laurel lies", "Devices") (link-goto: "over the sea,", "Brown vs Board") (link-goto: "Oh bring back", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "my Laurel to me.", "Thin bridges") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Isolation") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Job description") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>WILD MOONS<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> When I drive at night, the (link-repeat:"goddess with the curved knife")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We have always known", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "that the goddess likes", "TRIUMPHS") (link-goto: "to change her name,", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "her form,", "PRO RE NATA") (link-goto: "her powers,", "moon wants") (link-goto: "and her mind.", "moon mind") (link-goto: "But who she is", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "remains constant.", "moon breaks") ]] is in my rear-view mirror. I see her scythe across the back seat of the car, coming slowly, lovingly toward my neck. Breathing deeply, I do not panic. I wait for a red light, pray for a red light. When it comes, I slow and stop. Then I reach back and look. But there is only Laurel, asleep. Janet, in the front seat, sees nothing. We continue. I glance back at the rear view mirror, and she is still there, her scythe sharp, undimmed by the streetlights. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "AFTER THE FALL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Whatcha gonna do") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>HIDING THE REAL<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files The moon kept trying every trick she knew - or didn't know - to put the words back into life. Failing that, she tried to take the substance from the words and give it to the shadowy things that still miserably existed, dragging their shells, looking for the (link-repeat:"missing wholes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Not knowing what is", "Flea Training") (link-goto: "missing is far more", "Memories") (link-goto: "terrifying than knowing.", "this is how") ]]. Nothing worked. Soon the very words of her blood and pages of her skin were in danger of disintegrating from her spells. The people kept coming to her, begging her to restore whatever it was they had lost. Or to tell them again what they had lost so that they could begin long, arduous quests for it themselves. Until finally, she had had enough. The moon exploded into two: a brighter version of herself (which stole the light from a (link-repeat:"hundred sacrificed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hecatomb") ]] stars) and a paler shadow to catch the leftover brilliance. "This is what you meant," she cried out to her people. "You missed the light. That is all. Now go and live in peace. Forget what you do not have. Concentrate on what is there ~ for those are the only things that exist now." But the moon knew this was not so. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "NO TURNING BACK") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IN THE UNREAL") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>the truth<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Is this the truth or is it something more, something deeper: Fear maybe? The Spanish Inquisition tied me down with a comfy chair? I cannot face you right now knowing what my daughter did? I do not know the answer. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 3") (link-goto: "Helpfulness") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Emergency 3<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis stays in town Date: 1/9/97 9:29 Carrie won't be back for quite some time. The jaw has to heal and probably (link-repeat:"some other stuff")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Nothing occurs", "Aftermath") (link-goto: "in isolation.", "Social decision") ]], too. Marilyn's explanation yesterday was: Laurel was upset about not getting her way somehow and was pounding on Marilyn. Carrie came up behind Laurel and Laurel rocked her head back into Carrie's face. That explains Marilyn's voice on the phone; she was feeling partly responsible for Carrie getting hurt. Or it's possible that she was downplaying the incident. I dunno. How do you downplay an attack that leads to a broken jaw? So we'll see. I'm headed up to the hospital now. I don't know how I will explain why I haven't been there already - break down and tell (link-repeat:"the truth*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "the dire consequences", "the truth") ]], I guess. I couldn't find anyone to stay with Laurel. After we got back from the school, Laurel started to walk back out to the school. She must have needed to finish something--or we went out the wrong door and she needed to reverse the circuit. But I knew the dire consequences if she were to go back. Riots would break out in all of the peaceful, tree lined and kentucky-blue-grassed yards. People would overturn and burn BMWs, Hondas, Geo Metros, anything just to get away from her. The universe would wrench open and fall apart. So I used every ounce of strength I had to wrestle her into her room. On the way (which took about a half an hour subjective time and an eon in heroic time), she managed to gouge my cheek (which is still bleeding), pull out more of my hair, and blackened my and burnother eye (the good one). How's everybody out there in reality land? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 4") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 2") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Emergency 4<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis brings its mother in law home for dinner Date: 1/12/97 8: 19 Marilyn called me this morning, early. About 6. She said not to bother calling the school. Laurel was suspended for yesterday. I said, "She can't be suspended for anything disability related." "Yes," said Marilyn. "Only this wasn't disability related. It had to do with the teacher's safety." And there was (link-repeat:"nothing I could")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. How can the moon", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "speak when she", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "has no mouth?", "say nothing") (link-goto: "A. She doesn't", "Beyond anything") (link-goto: "But we all know", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "this is false", "I knew") ]] say to argue with that. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 3") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 5") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Emergency 5<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Crisis overstays its welcome Date: 1/15/97 20: 22 Many of you asked: Is there (link-repeat:"anything I need")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Like Old Mother Hubbard,", "Try outs") (link-goto: "the cupboards are bare.", "Money matters") ]] from you guys while I battle this out? War gear might come in handy. Anybody got a spare samurai suit? I dunno. I have some alarms I need to get up on doors, and I want to replace the broken front door lock. I'm calling all over trying to find a pshrink we can work with. Obviously, I'm going to take the next opportunity I have to check in with some clerical contracting agencies to find some kind of type-at-home kind of work, so I won't be financially ruined if this doesn't all clear up soon. I'm not sure what I need. It's so bloody complex right now I feel all tangled up. Perhaps I'll make (link-repeat:"a list")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Now I lay me", "If we do") (link-goto: "down to die.", "enough") (link-goto: "how many funerals", "dancing") (link-goto: "will I spy?", "around it") (link-goto: "How many times", "we won't") (link-goto: "will I try?", "see it.") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 4") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sirens", "If we do") (link-goto: "Sirens", "HYSTERICS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>If we do<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah M. Murphy From: Sarah Subject: The Official, one and only to do list TA DA!! Date: 1/15/97 get with Ms. Bradshaw, Dr. Morgan Subject: medical testing for Laurel get some of Laurel's clothes clean get pics made of Laurel for the (link-repeat:"respite bible*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "respite bible") ]] and police protection blotter write up options for Laurel write up schedule of respite needed put out ads for respite providers (with pictures) Ask anyone for any information on (link-repeat:"babysitters")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "sitting on someone", "babysitters") (link-goto: "else's babies.", "Any other questions?") ]] call Overland High School wrestling coach–ask for volunteers to babysit call some karate schools, too and maybe the ai-ki-do place down the street fix Laurel's window pick up class schedule for Janet pay bills (Find some money) make decision on Janet/gymnastics (She says she will earn the money) Audio training for Laurel? Where's the money going to come from? (link-repeat:"wash dishes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What softens your hand", "Herculean") (link-goto: "while you do the dishes?", "Somehow") (link-goto: "A. A dishwasher", "clean") (link-goto: "and a hot bath.", "Reputations") ]] clean (link-repeat:"loving room*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "loving room") ]] get some clean sheets in the bedroom sink and cabinet in blue bathroom. Tile, grout, caulk redo the wallpaper in the living room to cover up the holes get bathroom rug things comb the dog out and get rid of all the mats and hair vacuum the whole place do the laundry clean the kitchen scrape the Elmer's glue off the stove make a lot of money writing (link-repeat:"romance")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The ultimate escape", "You mean") (link-goto: "fantasy and money", "He means") (link-goto: "at the same time", "First strike") ]] novels Start out with the images of nakedness and peanut butter. pose for the cover, wrapping my hands through Stefan's long blonde hair and over his chest and </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 5") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "enough") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>enough<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Murphy Subject: The Official one and only to do list Date: I'm not sure Do a budget. call Allie, re getting line item in the state's budget for autism drs appt for me, to see why (link-repeat:"my side hurts")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What has four mouths", "Attack time") (link-goto: "and breaths fire?", "between") ]]. find the money for that get car in for tune-up, oil change, tires/brakes checked, lights and alignment find the money for all that get a cd for Laurel's auditory therapy - costs a lot less find the money for even that decide if Janet should join the children's choral chorus ask Pat if Janet can tag along with her daughter Julie to Girl Scouts get her the right clothes find the money for all that confirm that the high school wrestling team will volunteer to help me watch Laurel call the school back and find out when they'll decide to obey the law and let Laurel back in school look for some sort of home school teacher the school might pay for call up the Advocates for Special Access Education again and be on hold /transfer for nine hours clean up the kitchen so we can at least eat find this month's bills on my desk ask creditors to forgive this month's bills find and make love to a (link-repeat:"drug czar")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What does the moon", "Consultants") (link-goto: "take for a cold?", "Med-daze") (link-goto: "A. The sun", "drugs") ]] and steal all of his money, fly down to Acapulco and live on the beach, just combing up sand dollars and eating shark flesh. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 5") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "dancing") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>HYSTERICS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Hysterics. Hysteria. n. psychological state or neurosis resulting from failure to face reality. A released womb wandering in a woman's body, causing (link-repeat:"uncontrollable behavior")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Women have always", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "been burnt at the stake", "Emergency") (link-goto: "for this crime.", "Grocery shopping") ]]. Just as we guardians of the womb must be mad simply from the aching cavern within us, so too the moon must be mad simply from the aching loneliness of her (link-repeat:"empty womb")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What has no substance", "LISTEN") (link-goto: "but fills everything?", "MOON FALLEN") (link-goto: "A. Emptiness.", "moon skin") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "see it.") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MADNESS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>see it.<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> (link-repeat:"therapy. house. shit.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why do we cut ropes?", "The answer sheet") (link-goto: "A. To make an end.", "Egress") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 5") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>around it<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah From: me Subject: To do. Something. Date: Whenever call ask a nurse ((link-repeat:"pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "One two", "dandelion blood") (link-goto: "hide her shoe", "pain's true") (link-goto: "three four", "WARNING LIGHTS") ]] in my side) find a way to get Laurel out of the house ((link-repeat:"pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "lock her door", "dandelion blood") (link-goto: "five six", "pain's true") (link-goto: "calm her kicks", "WARNING LIGHTS") ]] in the neck) call the school again to get some action on this ((link-repeat:"pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "seven eight", "dandelion blood") (link-goto: "find her fate", "pain's true") (link-goto: "nine ten", "WARNING LIGHTS") ]] in the ass) fix the window ((link-repeat:"pane")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "calm her down again", "dandelion blood") (link-goto: "eleven twelve", "pain's true") (link-goto: "kill ourselves.", "WARNING LIGHTS") ]]) make a lot of money stuffing envelopes in my spare time and spend half of it on a weekend getaway to Las Vegas nightclubs for some peace and quiet </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 5") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "we won't") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>dancing<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah From: Sarah Subject: The dreaded to do list Date: Who cares? Leave a nasty note on the high school wrestling coach's answering machine to the effect that one simple bite from Laurel shouldn't scare the entire team off. get that drs appt for me figure out why it hurts to breathe get enough clothes clean so we can go out of this house looking somewhat better than we do right now stop that damn dog from barking. somehow. stop Laurel from screaming ask the autism list if anyone has the audiotherapy cd and can we borrow it find a decent cd player find someone to watch Laurel so we can (link-repeat:"get some food")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My stomach now", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "understands Maslow's", "As the Grocery turns") (link-goto: "hierarchy of needs.", "Death wish") ]] in here get a girl scout uniform for Janet figure out why the cars brakes still squeal go downtown, buy a lacy bustiere, (link-repeat:"go out on Colfax*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "charges") ]] and hook in some decent dough and fly off to Bangkok, make some foreign films and drink up all the money in little umbrella-covered coconuts. </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 5") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "around it") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>we won't<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Subject: to do list Date: Too late clean the shit and vomit out of Laurel's bed when she isn't here She is always here. Try anyway. beg over a talk radio station for someone to watch Laurel for just a minute please call up the Salvation Army and beg for food. find a calm voice and (link-repeat:"call the school again")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What were the second", "OCR") (link-goto: "words on a telephone?", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "A. Please hold.", "Advocrazy") ]]. find some coins under the sofa and take a shower with bubble bath </div> </div> <div class="HFL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency 5") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "see it.") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HFL1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>respite bible<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: A respite bible is a (link-repeat:"comprehensive bible")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The worst mistake you", "Book of Thoth") (link-goto: "can make is assuming", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "everything you need to know", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "can be written down.", "RIDING THE FLOOD") ]] for anyone coming over to help care for Laurel (whether I'm here or not). It has names of all the current meds, allergies, likes and dislikes, pecadillios and rituals, emergency contact numbers, etc. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "If we do") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>loving room<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: The loving room is where (link-repeat:"we love")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Love is...", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "measuring your life", "Little miracles") (link-goto: "in someone's eyes.", "Profoundly simple") ]]. I traded the living room in for it. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "If we do") (link-goto: "back", "Rain included") (link-goto: "back", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "back", "If we do") (link-goto: "back", "Sandwiches") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON MADNESS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> In the old days, they might have called it moonstruck. If she had lived that long. If they hadn't struck her down for being a (link-repeat:"witch")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Possesion is", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "the ultimate accusation", "Mythic origins") (link-goto: "of madness.", "Frozen dreams") ]]. Luna, the night moth. Lunacy after the moon goddess. In the old days, they would have asked me what it would take to cleanse the (link-repeat:"moon-madness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon demands", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "more than our souls", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "to cure her madness", "SOLE REMEDY") ]] from my womb. If I were not so tired, I would know the answer. A modern miracle. An easy (link-repeat:"delete*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "delete keys") ]] key on the keyboard, erasing the error as if it had never shown up on our clean white screens. But I am so tired that I believe the moon has not made a mistake. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "GYNATRISIA") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>GYNATRISIA<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> I will block the moon from my womb. She will not steal my daughter. I will do everything in my power to prevent this. And this is what they call (link-repeat:"hysteria")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Would the battle", "Mythic origins") (link-goto: "to save my child", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "be so maligned", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "If I were a man?", "HYSTERICS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HIDING THE REAL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>RESTLESS SEAS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files The box holding the moon's words would not rest quietly at the bottom of the sea. The waves jiggled it. The dark fish who had never seen the moon's light nuzzled it. The words themselves pounded from the inside of the box, demanding their freedom, demanding their power. The box rose to the surface of the sea, where mermaids picked it up and put it on their rocks, singing to the milky colors of its moonstone covering. Seamen saw it from afar and thought it was really the moon caught under the waves. Some tried to rescue it, others to steal the pearl-hued beauty. Many drowned. The moon saw that the earth was no longer a hospitable place for her lost bounty. On a brilliant night, she daubed herself with her own blood and came down to save her box. The mermaids cried and pleaded with her to let them keep the (link-repeat:"pretty treasure")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Here lies Madame", "FLOOD OF WORDS") (link-goto: "moon with a very", "Thin bridges") (link-goto: "bad cold and a wicked", "moon cd") (link-goto: "pack of cards.", "MOON MOTHS") ]]. The moon refused to listen. She tried to take it back into herself and hide it there. But her skin rejected it, cowering away from what had once been part of it and was now quite dead. She tried to hide it in the stars, but the stars merely gathered about it in wonder and refused to shine. She attempted many things she would not admit to herself later. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "IN THE UNREAL") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "HOLD NO HOPE") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "Aftermath") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "IN THE UNREAL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Violence<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 11/9/97 20: 29 Subject: violins and tv? Janet's first line of defense is a great offense. Just the other day, Janet got into a fist fight at the water fountain. Seems some girl with long hair asked some boy to hold her hair while she took a drink. Janet, with her short shoulder-length tresses, tried the same thing and promptly punched the guy who laughed at her. Cost? Three hours in the principal's office with a crayon and coloring book on (link-repeat:"mediation techniques")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Since when did", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "mediation techniques", "OCR") (link-goto: "replace the paddle?", "Social decision") ]]. Last month, at a birthday party, all the kids were playing croquet. She says that a boy asked her to do something nasty and so she very gently tapped him with the mallet to tell him to stay out of her way. The mother says that Janet actually picked up a croquet mallet and konked him on the head. The boy required three stitches. Cost? No allowance for three months to pay for the copayment insurance and no tv for a month. In January, Janet kicked a girl in the face because she wasn't invited into their game of foursquare. And I could go on with this list. And on. But I only have one question: why is Janet allowed back in school after her many violent outbursts and Laurel isn't? Is it the degree of violence? Is violence towards kids any better than violence towards adults? Or is it that Janet can (link-repeat:"talk her way out")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My ma and your ma were", "Success") (link-goto: "hanging out the clothes.", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "My ma gave your ma", "Escapes") (link-goto: "a punch in the jaw.", "Can't say 1") (link-goto: "How many doctors", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "did it take?", "Emergency") ]] of it? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social decision") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "It's no picnic") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Flyer<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Who is Laurel? If you have been a member of the Cattail Elementary School community for several years, you may remember seeing a sun-haired girl in bright yellows and green, with a hypnotic smile tossing handfuls of sand in the air at the playground, or running in circles on the grass. Laurel Murphy is nine years old now, living just southeast of Denver. Her family has not participated in community activities recently because of the constraints of Laurel's disability. Laurel is autistic. Because of her (link-repeat:"autism*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Autism") ]], and in direct violation of state and federal law, Laurel has been kept out of school for the past twelve weeks. The district officials say they have (link-repeat:"no qualified staff")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "No other child", "Yanking") (link-goto: "has to hear:", "For the time being") (link-goto: "We don't have a", "Out of options") (link-goto: "teacher so you don't", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "need an education.", "Resource letter") ]]. Laurel's mother has been forced to leave her job as pre-school teacher at the First Unitarian Church in Denver to take care of Laurel. What is autism? Imagine your brain is a stereo system with the controls messed up. Sometimes you can't even hear someone speaking directly to you - other times the voice sounds like a freight train rushing at your face. You can't think straight because of the buzz of a flourescent light that no one else seems to notice. You may not be able to tell where your legs are unless you're looking at them, but a light touch can be painful. The (link-repeat:"chaos of colors and shapes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "doorlights") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "cold sun") (link-goto: "Saber.", "disharmonics") (link-goto: "Saber who?", "this is how") (link-goto: "Saber, she's melting.", "Loose wire") ]] may be overwhelming so that you have to screen out everything your eyes tell you. Sometimes you hear colors, or see sounds. All the senses work, but in mixed up ways. The world is unpredictable. And scary. You know you are afraid or hurt, but your uncontrolled brain makes you laugh. Changing your ideas to sounds, and making your mouth make those sounds is so complex, people rarely wait long enough. If they do, they probably won't understand the rough sounds you shape. And then they believe you can't think, because you can't speak. What causes autism? No medical test exists to diagnose autism. Autism is a list of behaviors. Those behaviors can be caused by different things; brain damage because of an injury or virus, genetic abnormalities, metabolic or environmental problems, many things we have not yet identified. Different sub-sets or severities of behaviors have different names: Tourette's, Rhett's, Landau- Kleffner, Asperger's and Angelmen's syndromes, "Happy-Puppet" disease, Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). The same child will probably be given different diagnoses by different doctors. Children with autism often develop normally for the first one to three years, and then skills mysteriously fade out as the child becomes more withdrawn. Diagnostic criteria include: unusual physical attractiveness; lack of speech, or unusual speech, such as echoing another person's words ((link-repeat:"echololia*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "echololia") ]]) or using "stock phrases," like advertising jingles (idioglossia); lack of eye contact; self-stimulatory behavior such as spinning, hand flapping or rocking; (link-repeat:"ritual")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we have done", "RITUALS") (link-goto: "we must undo.", "OCD") ]] or compulsions, such as needing to retrace one's steps exactly or open and close doors a certain way. People with autism often have an above-average ability to do jigsaw puzzles or memorize things by rote. A half century ago, doctors thought autism was caused by the mother unconsciously rejecting the child. This was later rebuked as "(link-repeat:"the worst idea science ever had")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "Mythic origins") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "Ooze.", "Bruno") (link-goto: "Ooze who?", "Bruno deconstructed") (link-goto: "Ooze behind it all?", "Bruno's legacy") ]]." It seems that people with autism are unable to respond to love and other stimulation the way a neurologically typical person would. Science is beginning to recognize what some of us have always known: there is no separation between the body and the mind. A thought or emotion is an electro-chemical event. That's why drugs can be used to treat emotional trauma, grief and depression, and why love and trust can cure physical dis-ease. Who gets autism? Autism is diagnosed four times more often in boys than in girls, but some of this may be because being shy and quiet is not considered a cause for concern in girls. In the 1960s, autism was found in about four out of 10,00 births. In the 1980s, autism was diagnosed in 35 to 70 out of 10,000. Part of the reason for the increase is a changing definition of autism, and better diagnosis. But specialists who have been practicing for decades say they are definitely seeing a lot more autism, and a lot more severe autism, in recent years. Autism may be more common in families with higher IQs and more education, or it may be that better educated parents get the autism diagnosisinstead of "mental retardation" or "emotionally disturbed." Family histories are often significant for manic-depressive illness or obsessive-compulsive disorders, such as bulimia. A disproportional number of parents are involved in music, science, and computers. (link-repeat:"How can I help")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Even understanding", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "the situation", "Show biz") (link-goto: "helps tremendously.", "Take me for a ride") ]]? First of all, be aware. Remember that a child bursting out through the exit door or snatching fries off your plate in a restaurant may not be able to help it. An adult may be working so hard at turning thoughts to words that she doesn't realize she is yelling. The mother with the pinched face and cross voice may be having a week you couldn't imagine. Work on your own application of love and trust. It makes a big difference. Second, be part of your community. Is there someone who hasn't been around as much lately? Offer to watch a dependent child or elderly parent and let that other person go shopping, or go to church, or retreat to his or her room with a book, or go on a date with his or her life-mate. (link-repeat:"Too many marriages die of exhaustion")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock.", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "had left her") (link-goto: "Weirdo.", "locate resources") (link-goto: "Weirdo who?", "The father") (link-goto: "Weirdo you go for help?", "Yesterday") ]]. Fatigue makes people weak and fearful. Those who need a support network the most are the ones most likely to find themselves isolated. Third, consider a career working with the disabled. There is a critical shortage of qualified people to work with people with disabilities, and the percentages affected with disability are rising. Finally, there's money. Laurel's mother is a single mother - the only source of income now for the family is a small SSI payment and some child support for Laurel's needs. Auditory training, Irlen lenses, nutritional supplements, other therapies and therapists and lawyers all cost money - far more than the SSI payment covers. Laurel's friends have established a therapy fund for her at Union Bank and Trust. Contribute today at this fundraiser, or send a contribution to the Laurel Murphy therapy fund. Printing donated by Coyote Printing Imaging donated by Graphwhiz Inc. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Can I help?") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Scouting") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>god's eyes<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Karen told me when I came to pick Janet up that Janet insisted on calling these eyes the (link-repeat:"eyes of the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The eyes of the moon", "MOON EYES") (link-goto: "are not made of flesh.", "MOON GIRL") ]]. She wondered where on earth Janet had gotten such a crazy idea. I didn't say anything, but (link-repeat:"Janet's eyes sidled over to mine")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we understand", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "we cannot share", "Random mixup") (link-goto: "in words.", "understands this") ]] and we both choked back laughter. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Scouting") (link-goto: "back", "Real words") (link-goto: "back", "MOON EYES") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "back", "Then again") (link-goto: "back", "free her.") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>scottish polka<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Yeah, I wondered about that too. But Janet swears it is the proper and correct name. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Scouting") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Bake sale<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Reach out and touch someone Date: 12/21/95 Well, this holiday season, not one, not two, but five Girl Scout troops banded together to help good old Girl Scout Troop 001 (aka Laurel). They all came over to Laurel's classroom to see her and sing carols with her. Laurel promptly fled into the closet and refused to come out. (I had to stay at the school until about 8 that night before we could get Laurel to budge). They wanted to bake cookies for Laurel, but I explained that Laurel was on a special diet - due to the various allergies and medications, etc. So that was out. Then Karen, Suzie's mom, got a great idea. Now they are going to hold bake sales so that Laurel can afford the auditory integration therapy I wanted for her - at $50 a session, 2 sessions a day for 10 days - or a grand unreachable total of $1,000. Somehow, I didn't get around to telling them there was no way they could earn enough money for the whole treatment - and I don't know anywhere where I can get the rest. But we'll put it in a trust fund or something to see what we can get. A little start is much better than no start at all, as Karen is continually saying. So Karen and I wrote a (link-repeat:"flyer to introduce Laurel")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Laurel is something", "Flyer") (link-goto: "that needs explaining.", "show and tell") ]] and all of the circumstances. Kim's father runs Coyote printing and printed up 3,000 copies for free. Jessica's mother is the vice-president of Colorado National Trust Bank and set up an account for the money. Juliette's mother runs the Ladies Christian Aid Society out of Most Precious Blood and she got all of the ladies to do a corresponding bake and craft sale at the church. So it really became a muli-family affair. Each troop made christmas tree ornaments and yarn dolls and Melody's grandmother tried to teach the kids how to tat white thread snowflakes, but these didn't come out so well. Then each girl baked something (we had more Rice Krispie Treats than we knew what to do with). So we had lots of crafts and baked goods. The kids set up all over the neighborhood - in the school during lunch, inside Safeway (once the manager heard who this was for, he even set up chairs and tables for the kids), at the school Christmas play, in the high school, and some enterprising ones went door to door. Upshot of the whole affair? A net profit of $467.19! My eyes bugged out when Jessica's mom showed me the bank balance. I still don't know her name. This was incredible. But you know, it was more than the money. The principle of this thing will keep me (link-repeat:"high for months!")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "She jumped so high,", "MOON EYES") (link-goto: "high, high,", "I am not") (link-goto: "she touched the sky,", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "sky, sky,", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "and she didn't come back", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "back, back,", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "'Til the fourth of July", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "lie, lie, lie.", "Normalcy") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Scouting") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Visigoths") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON EYES<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The (link-repeat:"moon's eyes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "god's eyes") ]] peer over the horizon, blood dark, gravid. They pierce through the insubstantial clouds and stare down at us. (link-repeat:"Waiting")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Where does the moon", "Night moves") (link-goto: "wait during the day", "this is how") (link-goto: "A. In the waiting room.", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") ]]. The moon's eyes know they cannot pierce through the curtains that these gestures of friendship weave. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RESTLESS SEAS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social decision") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Visigoths<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Goth night at the Rising Phoenix Date: 2/8/95 Janet was dragging her feet at a clothing store about a month ago, using sneaky tactics to get me to break down and buy her a new outfit. (It worked.) I got into a conversation with the salesgirl, Judy. She was a redhead, strong-willed, 17-year-old. A high honors student in her senior year of high school, planning on studying psychology. We hit it off. She gave me her number and I called her (link-repeat:"to babysit")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON EYES") ]]. She can't babysit too much, what with two jobs, school, and college applications. But she is coming over every Thursday and calling it a student practicum. Her high school psychology teacher is giving some extra credit for it–so it is a godsend for both of us. She invited me down to a metaphyiscal bookstore/ coffee shop that has a "goth night" every Friday–and even got two of her friends to sit with Janet and Laurel for that night. I didn't know what to expect. Various people I asked described goth (related but not identical to "gothic") as "where punk rock went", "the dark side of hippie culture", and "a vampire cult." The most agreement I heard was on appearance: they wear black; black clothes, black eyeliner, black lipstick (boys and girls). Some dye their hair black. They're very pale. They dress in lace, vinyl and leather. Some wear chains and spikes. The clothing is vaguely (or not so vaguely) suggestive of S&M. They girls dress slutty (Judy's word); tiny dresses, lace teddies or transparent lace blouses, short skirts, very revealing pants. Body piercing and tattoos are common. I was more than a little nervous. I was a little surprised to arrive at a simple, nondescript storefront in an outdoor mall. The neighborhood was nice and quiet, and the parking lot was well-lit. It did look a little like a Halloween costume party. A couple of the boys were wearing black skirts with pointy-toed black boots. One had a "mad hatter", flared black top hat. Most had black lipstick and eyeliner, and some had elaborate designs painted around their eyes in black, or black and red. One had a sticker that said "I'm so goth I'm DEAD". The music was very loud at the front of the store, near the small, dimly-lit dance floor. But the back was light and quiet enough to talk easily. The coffee bar served coffees and teas and juice. No one appeared to me to be stoned or drinking, although one boy was quite open about having "done something" the night before and still being a bit "out of it", and most people smoked. There was some conversation about drugs, but I got the feeling drugs were something one did when one didn't have anything else to do. Goth Night at the Rising Phoenix was (link-repeat:"a reason drugs were unnecessary")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. Why didn't the", "Chicago") (link-goto: "skeleton take drugs?", "Pigeon blood") (link-goto: "A. He didn't have the", "entirely sure") (link-goto: "guts to handle it.", "drugs") ]], counter to what some concerned parents might think. Several parents (maybe eight; there were perhaps fifty kids), concerned or otherwise I couldn't say, were there. Most kept to themselves at a back table. I think they were the drivers, just hanging out until the kids were ready to go home. Some mixed easily with the kids. The kids didn't seem to mind. The separation was strictly based on what the older people wanted to do. I mixed with the kids and seemed to be accepted completely. I've been in social situations before (churches, parent teacher organizations, parties, etc.) where I knew nobody or hardly anybody when I got there and knew nobody when I left. I was surprised to find that these kids were very outgoing and upbeat. They moved around a lot, rather than "taking a table" in groups, so somebody new would plop into an open seat, whether he knew the group or not and automatically be part of that group. Somebody would wander away. I was told, "All goths are (link-repeat:"ADD*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "ADD") ]]. You shouldn't be offended if somebody walks away while you're talking to them." They were frank and open - genuine rather than polite. There was a lot of touching going on. People greeted and left by hugging and often kissing. They sat in each others' laps. Back rubs were given casually, without ceremony. And gender did not matter. Boys sat in boys' laps, girls sat in girls' laps, as well as boy-girl mixes. I found out that this had nothing to do with sexual orientation. Boys who were known to be gay would smooch and flirt with their female friends. Boys who were straight would hug their male friends and start writhing and groaning, building to a parody of orgasm. It was a sort of acknowledging their need to be touched, and their adolescent sex drives - getting those touch needs met and laughing at their need for it. Maybe even a parody of the adult idea that all touching is sexual at that age. These kids seemed innocently wise in their awareness that they (link-repeat:"needed touch*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "zorfs") ]], and almost disturbingly liberated in knowing that need must sometimes be met without emotional commitment. Emotional commitment is too hard to come by. So kisses and hugs and massages were exchanged without anything being implied or inferred. It felt good. It didn't need to mean more than that. Occasionally, couples (mixed or same gender - again, no reflection on sexual orientation) danced together. But for the most part, when someone wanted to dance, he or she went to the dance floor and danced. Several times, there was only one person dancing. This was obviously quite acceptable. If anyone stared, it was because they enjoyed watching the dancer. The boys, in particular, were very animated in their movements, which I found ironic for a culture that presented themselves as "dead". I asked Judy if it would be OK for me to bring a sketch book and sketch the dancers, and she said, "People do it all the time. They'll be flattered." I didn't know the music. A lot of it was loud and metallic. Oddly, these songs would have passages in them that were almost classical - I think there was a harp pavanne in one a- gross departure from the raucous sounds wrapped around them. This contrast seemed to be integral to the message – not a parody, but an acknowledgment that moments of serenity and introspection exist around and within the frenetic drama of life. I found myself contrasting this goth culture with the preppie culture with which I was surrounded as a high schooler. Preppies are generally very priviledged, with bright futures. The girls wear subtle make-up and nice hairstyles and colors like pink, yellow and green. The boys wear shirts with collars, and nice slacks, and are very clean and well groomed. When they talk, they are cheerful and optimistic. But they don't say much. They avoid "controversial" subjects and "improper" behavior. They are famous for "air kisses", where you lean toward somebody at the shoulders and make kissing noises, but don't actually touch your lips to them. They speak scornfully in acronyms about PDA (public displays of affection) and VPL (visible panty lines –a major fashion faux pas.) They are "hi-bye friends" with pretty much everybody, but talk people down behind their backs. On the dance floor, they are stiff and vacant - what they describe as "cool". When I get to know preppies, I find that they are often depressed, feeling as if they are obligated to be pretentious, not free to be who they really are. Even the ones who are catty behind people's backs say that this is just another false-face they put on because it is expected, and they fear that other people, even those who pretend to like them, are rejecting them behind their own backs. The goths seem to embrace death. What they stand for on a deeper level though, is rejecting pretense, rejecting small talk and posturing and pretending everything is OK (which is death, Judy adds). They feel life intensely, fully acknowledging not-belonging, anger, depression, even death. (One told me this joke: "How do you get a goth out of a tree?" The answer is ''(link-repeat:"Cut the rope.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I think I keep", "Dried roses") (link-goto: "stringing", "For richer") (link-goto: "myself up.", "Desperate") ]]'') The message - and perhaps I am over-analyzing - is that life is too short to ignore loneliness and need and pain. When you address these things, you can live more genuinely. I found it refreshing, liberating, and oddly tender. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bake sale") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON EYES") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>ADD<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Attention Deficit Disorder: Another one of those points along the spectrum of the physiological/psychological disorders in understanding social interaction, language, and perceptions. The new label for hyperactive, hyperkinetic, and/or minimal brain disfunction. (link-repeat:"Another word")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Words and taunts may", "being paranoid") (link-goto: "break my bones, but", "Autism") (link-goto: "stones will never hurt me", "pre-verbal") ]]. Another point where we can take the high ground and say what ways are normal. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back to Visigoths", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "back", "Isn't that special?") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>It's no picnic<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Upset, but not surprised Date: 5/18/96 I got a call from Janet's kindergarten teacher today, asking me not to come along with Laurel to the class picnic, because she didn't want Laurel around the other kids. They're going to a public park, so I guess we can bloody well go if we want to. This has been planned for two weeks and I complied with all her requests to "prepare the class." I talked to the kids. I sent photos. I showed the video. I explained the whole damn thing in fifteen minute intervals for the last week. I even (link-repeat:"brought them cookies")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The younger the person,", "Random mixup") (link-goto: "the smaller the bribe.", "Yanking") ]] that Janet, Laurel, and I made. I told that thrice-blasted nonteacher this was completely in keeping with the willful nurturing of ignorance leading to fear that I've come to expect from Cattail Elementary. She suggested I bring Laurel in for show and tell one day instead. I told her there was really no point, since this exact kind of prejudice and willful ignorance was precisely why there were so few resources available for children like Laurel. She gave me an "I'm sorry you feel that way". I told her that, if it eased her conscience to think this was all about my attitude, go right ahead, but there were certain realities to having my daughter denied public education for six months out of the year, or to kids being suffocated in institutions as part of their "behavior intervention plan." I told her she obviously didn't want to educate herself; her goal was to revoke her invitation to Laurel to join them for the picnic, and she'd done it. She wanted it to be OK that she'd done that. And damnit, (link-repeat:"it's not")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Old Mary Mac, Mac, Mac,", "Yellow and green") (link-goto: "all dressed in", "The father") (link-goto: "black, black, black,", "Bruno") (link-goto: "She asked her mother", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "other, other,", "Smokers") (link-goto: "for fifty cents", "I knew") (link-goto: "sense, sense", "Consultants") (link-goto: "to see the moon", "Leaving") (link-goto: "moon, moon", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "go jump the fence,", "What I know") (link-goto: "fence, fence, fence.", "bureaucrazy") ]]. I was not nice. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Violence") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Unwelcome ants") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Unwelcome ants<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: Arc de Triomph and Fries Date: 5/21/96 So of course, the day of the picnic dawns bright and sunny. I got Janet to school with her paper bags of chocolate and marshmallow brownies. She only even ate one tiny corner "to make it even-steven-leven, mommy." Of course, there is no telling if the brownies made it from the car to the classroom in one piece. The dandelions in our yard are in the just-popped-out but not-yet-frizzed state right now, so the yard is shiny with long green grass and bright yellow pretties. Laurel lost herself in a dizzy daze, wandering from flower to petal to flower to torn flower to wind petals for over two hours this morning. After a while Laurel came in and pointed to the car. She ran into Janet's room, got the barbie doll out, put it in the oven, and put it in the car. This actually made a good deal of sense to me - Janet gets to have things in the oven and then in the car. So should Laurel. And I was just burning inside, that constant growl of (link-repeat:"burnt buttered anger")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why doesn't anyone", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "admit anger", "Take me for a ride") (link-goto: "is good for you?", "Follow up") ]] swallowed down with a dollop of cholestrolic frustration. So off we went to Janet's picnic. We stopped by MacDonalds for fries, two chocolate shakes, and a big mac with cheese. Laurel just loves to dip melted cheese into a chocolate shake and lick her hands. The sugar load makes her impossible for a day or two later, but this was a special treat. Or so I told myself, which didn't dampen my heartburn one smidgen bit. So, we get there. We stay at just the right distance - not enough to embarrass Janet, but enough to let the teacher know we are there. Laurel wants to slide down the curly slide. I go with her. She climbs the ladder, sits backwards with her legs hanging over the edges, and goes. Again. Again. Again. Again. Again. And the kindergarteners, bless them, whisper to each other, pointing and scuffing their feet. "That's Laurel." "Her mom made the cookies." "Her eyes and ears don't tell her the right stuff." "Let her go first." They mounted guard over the slide, assuring all and sundry that they could have a turn when Laurel got tired. Because, after all, Laurel didn't know about turns. I cringed a bit at this (what mother wouldn't?) but smiled. The teacher said nothing. But called them (link-repeat:"all in early")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sometimes, they", "Yanking") (link-goto: "really are out", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "to get you.", "Catch 22") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "It's no picnic") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "THE SOUL SELECTS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>THE SOUL SELECTS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The fundamental, the first harmonic is the invocation to madness. The moon (link-repeat:"understands this")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock", "moon breaks") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Hieronymo") (link-goto: "Genoa.", "HIDING THE REAL") (link-goto: "Genoa who?", "MOON EYES") (link-goto: "Genoa what I know?", "moon mind") ]]. And (link-repeat:"selects her society*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "her own society") ]] accordingly. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "RESTLESS SEAS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Social decision") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>her own society<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Paraphrased from Emily Dickinson #303. Dickinson, Emily, 1960. The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson, ed. by Thomas H. Johnson. Little, Brown, and Company, Boston. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "THE SOUL SELECTS") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>show and tell<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: You never think about these things at the time. But what I should have said, what I meant (link-repeat:"the dialogue to do")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we say after the", "It's no picnic") (link-goto: "moment has gone by is", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "always more relevant", "Two camps") ]] was something like this: SCRIPT FOR THE PERFECT REPARTE: TEACHER: Why don't you just bring her in for show and tell one day? I'm sure all the children will find it so educational. (link-repeat:"SUPERMOM*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "at all times") ]]: Well, of course my dear. And tell me, just how many other human beings will you have over that day so the children can gawk? Perhaps you'll find room in your heavy schedule for an elephant man? A fat lady? Maybe I can arrange something. Better yet, maybe you'd like a slave auction. Sure, why gape at something for a moment when you can own it forever? TEACHER: Of all the nerve! I never! If you feel that way about it, we may as well forget the whole thing. SUPERMOM: Does this mean that Laurel can come to the picnic like any other child? Or are we still separating children into those worthy of picnics and those relegated to show and tell? </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "It's no picnic") (link-goto: "back", "Unwelcome ants") (link-goto: "back", "environments") (link-goto: "back", "Bake sale") (link-goto: "back", "in after hours") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "So he knows") (link-goto: "back", "Bake sale") (link-goto: "back", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "back", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "back", "sidestream") (link-goto: "back", "MOON SHADOWS") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Attack time<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/28/97 2:52 Subject: Emergency room redux Did I tell you guys what happened the other day? Of course not, I haven't even told myself yet. And myself should be the first to figure this one out. But I really haven't had a chance to breathe, let alone think. Well, let me start with the fact that I can actually sit up. This is good. I must announce to the world in general that (link-repeat:"I can breathe")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is easier than", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "breathing?", "free her.") (link-goto: "A. Not breathing", "Death wish") ]] without turning the insides of my diaphragm out with pain. This is even better. I can even stand and walk a little. But not much. Two days ago (it seems a lifetime: pain must be measured in such different quantities: yes, thank you, I'll take two weeks worth of time dressing on that one minute salad) I was sitting on the living room floor, minding my own business... (Well, actually Janet and I were playing Old Maid and Junior Scrabble at the same time, so the whole floor looked like one big game show and we were giggling pretty hard. She loves it when I trump the old maid and then put some x's over the cards.) ....When all of a sudden, my insides turned into a nightmare of knives. Pain shot through me and under me, cutting off any possible avenue of breath, of escape. Funny, now I can't even describe the pain, I just remember the bare fact of pain, the naked horror of it all. The sensations of pain choke so strongly and then leave just as suddenly, erasing their memories as if they never existed at all. Someone should write a doctoral thesis on this phenomenon. Call it the (link-repeat:"aesthetics of pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The philosophy of", "Pain") (link-goto: "horror would become", "Fear") (link-goto: "too boring in a textbook", "LOOSE SOULS") ]] or something. Laurel started whirling around the room, humming what in other circumstances I would have sworn was a Viennese waltz. Janet tossed the game board aside and plowed through the cards willy-nilly to reach me. I don't think either of us cared one iota about the score (in fact, the cards are still there, a little stomped on and maybe a bit worse for wear, but nonetheless hopeful that we may one day continue that game.) Janet looked at me with large fawn eyes, pressing her small hand against my pouring-sweat forehead. "(link-repeat:"Mommy, be ok")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The first bite of reality", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "comes when you know", "Death fear") (link-goto: "your mother is human", "Stubbed out") ]]," she pleaded softly. "Mommy, be ok." When it was pretty clear to her that Mommy was not ok, she ran to the phone, dialed 911 and carefully said "Mommy is sick, please come." She gave her name and address, just like I taught her. Then she stayed on the line and told me that the 911 lady said that someone was coming. She asked if it was ok if she told the 911 lady what her favorite candy was, and then when I didn't answer, she said, Mommy taught me not to talk to strangers. Are you a stranger? No, then my favority candy is M&M's but I only like the blue ones. Red ones are made of spider dye and the brown ones are from cow shit." Janet kept burbling on to the 911 lady, who must have been fascinated by the conversation, because she kept Janet on the line until the door thudded and shuddered under the knocks. Or maybe that was just my body. I'll write more when I can sit up again. Sarah P.S. It will never cease to amaze me how great kids are. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "First strike") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>the bullshit<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: I am finally beginning to understand what is going on. As part of my quest for inner peace to avoid beheading my darling children, I have been reading the Tao Te Ching, (link-repeat:"the Tao of Pooh")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There is more wisdom", "He declines") (link-goto: "in a child's eyes, Horati", "ALL I REALLY WANT") (link-goto: "than in your philosophy", "Real words") ]], the Bible, the Book of Mormon, the Qabalah, the Sayings of the Compassionate Buddha, and Deepak Chopra. I have discovered a universal truth about prophets of great wisdom. They spake. To the best of my knowledge, I have never spake. This could be why the school district honchos treat me like a derelict. I speak. I have spoken. Where's the credibility in that? As I consider, I recall that The Experts I have consulted (and there have been many) have told me things, recommended articles, nodded sagely. One or two even listened compassionately. But I cannot remember a time even when (link-repeat:"Dr. Frawley")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you knew") ]] spake unto me. And she probably came closest of anybody. From now on, when I talk to an expert, I am going to ask myself, "Did he or she spake?" And if the answer is "no", I'm going to consider for myself whether what he or she said (merely -said-, mind you) makes any sense, or whether it is just more bullshit to cover up base motives (such as a lack of money, a desire to maintain professional superiority and pretend they know much more than I do, or a stampede for an easy way out - no matter what that does to Laurel). In the meantime, I am going to practice spaking. If anyone has any information on spaking techniques, or can recommend a good website, (link-repeat:"please let me know*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "let me know") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "back", "Time costs") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Disclaimer") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>let me know<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: I shared these insights with the autism list, and apparently it is a (link-repeat:"universal problem")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "As the Autism Newsletter", "being paranoid") (link-goto: "says, If you aren't", "Time costs") (link-goto: "outraged by now, you", "The great wall") (link-goto: "haven't been", "waiting lists") (link-goto: "paying attention", "Disclaimer") ]]--no one else knew how to spake, either. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "the bullshit") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>First strike<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/28/97 20:17 Subject: Emergency room redux page 2 Anyway, while Janet was (link-repeat:"chatting")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "They talk of cabbages and", "Attack time") (link-goto: "kings, and whether", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "pain has wings", "she can't talk") ]] on the phone with her new-found friend, Laurel held my hand. She stayed so close to me, and I tried not to move, not to frighten her away. She stroked my hand with the light wings of a butterfly - as if her soft flesh could take away my pain, like it takes away a kitten's fears. I tried to speak, to tell her everything was ok, that her mommy would live forever, not to worry. But the pain grasped me mercilessly and would not let me go. The thudding from the paramedics at the door spooked her, though, and she went humming back into her room and locked herself in. Janet opened the door and six burly firefighters hurtled in, crowding my living room and stomping over the old maid cards. The paramedics got me on a stretcher, got an IV going and tried to get me into the ambulance. I thought wildly that this must be what it is like to live on those (link-repeat:"romance covers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Forget the broom-just", "You mean") (link-goto: "let me fly away on", "If we do") (link-goto: "anything you can find.", "Your apartment") ]], swooning into the golden hair muscles that will hold you forever. From somewhere I got the strength to say I would not go anywhere without Laurel. They asked if I had anyone who could look after her. I said no, no one. Janet gravely informed the paramedics that Laurel was locked in her room. They, quite naturally, asked for the key. Janet said that Laurel must have eaten it. They looked over at me for a little more elucidation, but I was a wee bit preoccupied with the pain monster that was claiming my body as its personal property. Janet told them that it was not a good idea to knock on the door because that would scare Laurel. (link-repeat:"Under the circumstances*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Pro re nata, def.") ]], I suppose that it was pretty natural for them to think something hideous had happened to Laurel. They conferred, and a tall guy took an ax to the door - mere wood being unimportant when it comes to saving lives. This cacophony probably scared Laurel half to death. And I can imagine the scene–Laurel cowering in fear for her life, the paramedic trying to reach her to save her life. I managed to croak out "Peanut, peanut butter" and Janet joined in on the song. The paramedics probably figured that the whole place was a loony bin and they might as well join in too. So to summarize the whole thing, we all sang "Peanut, peanut butter" all the way out to the ambulance. Then Laurel discovered that she didn't have her shoes on and refused to get into the ambulance. (It is a law for her that she can't leave the house without her shoes - a fact that is very handy when you don't want her to go anywhere but is a nuisance when you do.) Janet ran back in and grabbed an old pair of sandals. Laurel gravely sat down beside me in the back of the ambulance and put them on. At this point, I think the paramedics had had it because they let her stay in a jump seat in the back–after she put her seat belt on, of course. I don't know where they kept Janet and Laurel in the emergency room. I don't even remember asking. The pain demanded all of my attention and more. I think it wanted my life, but I told it my soul was sticking to my cells for a while longer. Just a little longer. Then I think I went to sleep. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Attack time") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Diagnoses") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Diagnoses<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Date: 4/28/97 20:13 Subject: Whatever happened to humanity? Meanwhile, back at the emergency room, they made all the preparations they think they need. I am no longer human, but patient. My arms and breast are barely covered in a snap-on piece of cloth that doesn't snap; my right wrist is encircled with plastic that never quite touches my skin, as if I am not worthy of the hospital's touch. I do not think about the needle in my arm, the shivering that hits the nerve so close to the surface of my arm and sends rivulets of pain down to meet the buckets of pain in my belly. Instead, I think about what is in a blue plastic bag with the official stamped logo "patient's belongings." My clothes, an old pen that does not work, my car keys (I think), some Old Maid cards and a couple of scrabble letters, and maybe an orange (link-repeat:"starburst")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Starburst, starburst,", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "first nove I see tonight,", "Just another day") (link-goto: "Wish I may,", "Broken wires") (link-goto: "wish I might,", "Life in Laurel's lane") (link-goto: "have a wish", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "I wish tonight.", "After the show") ]] or two. These used to be on the chair in the curtained-off area of the emergency room, but now I think they are abandoned somewhere. Are the girls in the bag? I ask myself, which is a completely irrelevant and silly thing to think, I think next. Then I wonder. And mentally retrace my steps to find my lost articles. I did not see the girls while I waited in the emergency room bed, pressed up against the silver railing. I did not see them when two guys, one with straight brown hair and a long straight nose and the other blonde head buried somehow in a clipboard transfered me to the wheeled stretcher. I tried to turn my head as the hallway whirled past, but I'm pretty sure I did not see the girls then, either. I try to ask the guy with the brown hair, but his eyes are looking at the elevator and he does not hear me. I turn to ask the other one, but the jarring, the pain drowns my voice. Then the lights are too bright to ask anything and the doctor is talking about something he wants to do and he wants (link-repeat:"another signature")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why does writing a name", "Wrong Residence") (link-goto: "permit so many", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "things to happen?", "Sidestreaming") ]]. I hold my hand up to the paper and ask about the girls. He says not to worry about that. He smears my belly with something cold, slimy. Of course, I think, it is no longer my belly, just as the girls are no longer my girls. We all belong to the hospital now. Still, it is odd that I can remember my thoughts and not be in my thoughts at the same time. I think there might be something in the IV that makes me feel this way. I wait while the machines around me whir, click. I cannot turn my head to see them. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "First strike") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Warning shot") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Warning shot<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/29/97 8:14 Subject: Emergency room redux page 2 I shook off the IV anesthetic quickly, like Kodi the dog shaking water from every pore. The inevitable consequence was of course, an immediate return to pain's icy grips (pain's hot grasp? Which would sound better in the romance novel?) They let me stay in the emergency room, and I met Candy, a pretty teenager with black lipstick and eyeshadow who was going to watch the girls until we figured out what was going on. I told her some of how to handle Laurel and wished that I had thought in my infinite wisdom and foresight to bring Laurel's emergency book, which shows her condition, what frightens her, what calms her. But Candy seemed willing to try (which in my book at least, equates right up there with competent - you're hired!) and she said the kids were tired and sleeping in one of the quiet rooms they reserve for grieving families. I told Candy there was nothing to grieve about here, just an upset stomach or something relatively minor like that. She said, "Good, keep it that way." I told her I fully intended to. The ultrasound revealed a massive mass on my right ovary. A white coated woman with a too-large nametag, Dr. Michelson, showed me the pictures: a bloated blurry mass sticking on top of another shadowy mass. I nodded sagely. She took out a laser pen - the fancy way of professional pointing nowadays - and the red light played off some bumps and molehiles. Then I nodded again when she mouthed the words ovarian cyst and biopsy and immediate surgery. She then said womething about chances of the mass being potentially malignant, chances of the operation cutting of blood supplies to my foot (or maybe it was some other important organ, I confess, I wasn't really paying attention. I wanted to know about the girls and was wondering if she would know or care.) Doctor Michelson looked at me oddly when I said I needed the surgery right that moment so I could go home and take care of the kids. "I have to feed them breakfast tomorrow morning. Get Janet off to school. And Laurel is out of school right now - so I have to watch her." She peered at me over her glasses. "Don't you have anyone else to watch them?" (link-repeat:"she asked*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "she asked") ]]. "No." I said. "There really (link-repeat:"isn't anyplace for them")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What is the difference", "at all times") (link-goto: "between my life and", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "a computer?", "For the time being") (link-goto: "A. I don't have a", "Alternatives") (link-goto: "backup system.", "Emergency 5") ]] to go." "Usually, it takes a while to schedule these things. Can't you talk with your regular physician?" she made notes on her chart. When I told her I didn't have time for a regular physician, she shrugged and went out. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Diagnoses") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Reputations") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Reputations<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/29/97 17:14 Subject: Emergency room redux page 3 It seems that my records follow me wherever I go. I heard a few mutterings from the nurses' station (It really is amazing that your ears can pick up your name in the midst of a hundred other sounds and conversations) to the effect of "that child did (link-repeat:"WHAT")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I keep forgetting", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "about the crises", "Emergency") (link-goto: "of yesterday.", "Not working") ]]?" and "There has got to be a (link-repeat:"police record")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why do people assume", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "that the past will", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "repeat itself?", "charges") ]] on this one. Just check it." and "(link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If social service people", "Social Services") (link-goto: "cared after hours, they", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "would surely go insane", "Follow up") (link-goto: "in a few days.", "Gestapo") ]] could not have said that. Surely..." and my favorite, "Well, whatever the situation is, just get it out of here." Apparently, I have a very impressive record. At last, I qualify for VIP status and treatment - the operating room mysteriously found an opening that very hour, the surgeon was in, and all systems were set to go. They decided that I hadn't had anything by mouth (which made me wonder if some people really do ingest food by foot, but I didn't ask) for the last 12 hours as I had been in the emergency room bed. (Somehow, I never did get transferred into the hospital proper, it was a slow night or they didn't know what to do with me, or something). The next thing you know, I was getting prepped for a little early morning surgery. So another nurse came in and put the anesthetic in my IV. I just lay there, feeling the cold syrupy lotion travel into my blood and through my system. After the surgery when I could think logically again, a hospital ombudsman came in with a list of damages. Seems Candy had given up on pretty short notice and Laurel and Janet were having a lot of fun unattended in the lobby. I didn't get the details and I don't want to even speculate. The charges involved replacing a television, a pane of (link-repeat:"glass")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Surgery aftermath") ]], three (link-repeat:"melted*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "melted?!?") ]] vomit tubs, a broken lamp, etc. And no one would talk about the ice cream incident. For which I am truly grateful. I told the ombudsman I couldn't pay the damages right then. He asked if I could possibly watch the kids or call someone to do it. I told him I didn't think so. One of the nurses overheard this and miraculously came up with Susan, another hospital volunteer (with five kids of her own and well used to chaos). Susan watched the girls all that day. She even found a doctor willing to let me go home that night. (I think that part was probably pretty easy - everyone knew about my kids by the time they were done in the lobby.) Susan drove me home in the evening (which was two yesterdays ago). She was so glad she could let me off that she didn't follow me inside. Which I was really happy about, because then I didn't have to explain the baked-on blueberry pancakes over the floor behind the front door. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Warning shot") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Surgery aftermath") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Surgery aftermath<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 5/2/96 Subject: Good will letters Thanks for all your support this week. I needed it. Thank you Mr. (Ms.?) A-nonny-(link-repeat:"mouse")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Slipping") ]] for (link-repeat:"leaving the groceries")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Everything is easier", "Can I help?") (link-goto: "to face when you have", "Putting stuff away") (link-goto: "a full stomach.", "we won't") ]] (with all the (link-repeat:"correct foods*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "diets") ]] - I appreciate it so much!) and the good books (which I will get to sometime, I always have wanted to read the latest Tony Hillerman when it was still in hardback...) and the stuffed mouse for Laurel and the whack-a-mouse game for Janet. They are great. While the girls got the toys, I got the joke and the laugh. Thanks for the good wishes, the flowers (spring in the form of red and gold tulips, hyacinth, and daffodils delivered right to my door - you guys are fantastic). And I hereby deliver my thanks to whomever got Laurel's single shoe returned in the mailbox. To reply to inquiries, I'll sum them up in an FAQ: >It occurs to me, what with your carrying Laurel all over the place, that you >are recovered (as least mostly) from surgery. That is debatable. A more relevant question might be, "(link-repeat:"What are my options?")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My body will do", "LIFE FEAR") (link-goto: "anything it has to.", "Fear") ]]" I really have to carry Laurel around from place to place. She can walk, but she often won't. I have to pick her up and put her in her room when she gets out of hand. I have tried, but I can think of no other way to get her to stop throwing glass out the window, putting videos in the microwave, disabling the lock and running out. I need to look after my weight. The whole family has been on an allergy-free diet since early January, which seems to be calming Laurel down. Once Janet got over the sugar craving for Lucky Charms, she is doing ok. I've lost a couple of pounds. Nothing spectacular. Laurel has gotten better - but obviously not enough. I still need to recover from the surgery–the sutures are torn out and are inflamed pretty badly. It hurts to stand up. (So don't stand up, I hear all you would-be comics out there...) Just before I get to a fully standing position, I get a tearing sensation across my bikini line. (Like I would ever wear a bikini. It's a descriptor.) Eventually, there will be hernia surgery, I don't doubt. I wish I could work out some place good so I would be more able to handle these things. Perhaps I'll talk to my doctor about it soon. When I'm not totally up to my arse in alligators... . >What were the results of the surgery? Will you have to go in for more? Dr. Michelson's staff called me yesterday with the results. It turns out to be a large, but benign cyst. Thank god, sometimes a cyst is just (link-repeat:"a cyst*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "a cyst") ]]... >How are you going to pay the doctor bills? God only knows. I have no insurance at the moment, so things are gonna get strange. But I figure I'm already in so much debt that a little more won't matter. After all, what can they do? (link-repeat:"Eat me?")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Slipping") ]] </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Reputations") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Slipping") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>a cyst<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Unless it is an assist. In which case, things can be (link-repeat:"malignant")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The seeds of malignancy", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "are too small to", "sidestream") (link-goto: "recognize.", "You beckon") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Surgery aftermath") (link-goto: "back", "LULLABY") (link-goto: "back", "Don't stand") (link-goto: "back", "STONES UNDERSTAND") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "not born") (link-goto: "back", "CELL MEMORY") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Slipping<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 4/29/97 sometime Subject: lost files The lights burn into my eyes in the operating room. Someone is explaining something again about risks and ordering something stat or stet. Stet is to stay the same, I tell them. I don't want to stay the same. (link-repeat:"I want my girls")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Momitarianism:", "MOON MADNESS") (link-goto: "when you die,", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "your soul stays behind", "TRIUMPHS") (link-goto: "to watch your children.", "at all times") ]]. I think in short bursts, then nothing. The dark mask comes down over my eyes and into my mouth. I want to say one last thing, something so important, something they need to understand before they cut into me. I cannot draw in enough breath to support my body. Hands hold me down while (link-repeat:"I struggle to escape")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I cannot let go.", "My soul") (link-goto: "I have far too many", "Rage") (link-goto: "things to fight.", "GYNATRISIA") ]] the mask. Slowly, I forget what it was (link-repeat:"I needed to say")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Loudspeakers know how they", "IT MUST BE WRITTEN") (link-goto: "only need to lose the", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "important announcements.", "HYSTERICS") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Surgery aftermath") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Shakedown", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "My blood and", "The air") (link-goto: "Laurel's blood are too", "between") (link-goto: "fragile to hold", "us") (link-goto: "the truth.", "fades.") (link-goto: "Thus are all our", "She is") (link-goto: "lies shattered.", "alone.") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>The air<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> But in the end, this becomes a game, a baby reaching out short new fingers to clutch at air, pulling it in and opening palms up into nothing. My soul is not a sticky sweet clinging to the sides of each tiny capillary. No, my soul is as (link-repeat:"insubstantial")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Nothing is more", "Stubbed out") (link-goto: "real than", "dust") (link-goto: "the moon's soul.", "THE SOUL SELECTS") ]] as the air, as the pain that still courses through me. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="PO"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "between") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>between<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The only difference between drawing breath and not drawing breath is the shallow waves my chest forms. The only difference between (link-repeat:"my cells hold")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Soul-eating cells", "MOON MOTHS") (link-goto: "live the longest.", "Rage") ]]ing my soul and letting go is the light my eyes see. The room darkens slowly, the waves gentle into almost nothingness. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The air") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "us") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>LOOSE SOULS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> My cells clutch at my soul in desperate waves of pain, trying to press down upon it, to (link-repeat:"keep it")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We believe in forever", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "only because we want", "Mama") (link-goto: "to believe in promises.", "You plan") ]] for themselves, forever. My cells cannot believe they are grasping at nothing. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>alone.<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Laurel's soul stays behind, still fascinated by the (link-repeat:"play of lights")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We depend on those", "doorlights") (link-goto: "for everything.", "moon door") ]] at the door. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "She is") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Shakedown", "She is") (link-goto: "Shakedown", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "Sarah", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>us<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Somehow Laurel is standing by my hospital bed. Her eyes open, staring at the orange lines across the blue-black monitor above me. She sways back and forth in time with the line, like a ball bouncing on the floor, smaller and smaller arcs coming to rest. We do not speak. This time, I do not know if she is awake or dreaming. It slowly occurs to me that we may have switched souls. (link-repeat:"I will go to the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I know my pleas", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "will fall on deaf ears.", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") ]] for you, little one. I may have said this. Neither of us understand. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "between") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "fades.") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>fades.<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The sea of my breathing is now as flat as the orange line above my head. My soul is calm as it (link-repeat:"rises free")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Arbeit mach", "Somehow") (link-goto: "frei.", "On an orphan train") ]] from my cells. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "us") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "She is") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>She is<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> My eyes no longer feel her light. But I know (link-repeat:"she is there.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "bones") ]] </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "fades.") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "alone.") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

(link-repeat: '<div class="B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World Map", "Laurel's World Map") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="title"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Underlying truth") ]]] <div class="DT"> (link-repeat:'<div class="DT1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Directions") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="DT1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="DT1C"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="DT1D"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="DT1E"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]] </div> <div class="credits"> ''1999: Deena Larsen with Clarsa McElhaney and Jeanne Templeton'' ''2025: Deena Larsen with Evan Leyden, Quinn Carrick, and Jenn Nguyen'' </div> <div class="footer-links"> ''(text-colour:blue)[(link-repeat: '[Disclaimer]')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Disclaimer") ]]]]'' ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: '[Dedication]')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Dedication") ]]]]'' ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Publisher information')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Publisher information") ]]]]'' </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' ______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Acknowledgements<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: ''(link-repeat:"Lost Voices")[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The calmness of knowing") ]]]'' and ''(link-repeat:"Lullaby")[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "LULLABY") ]]]'' by Clarsa McElhaney were changed for this work and used by permission </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "The calmness of knowing") (link-goto: "back", "LULLABY") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Publisher information<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Note that this work was originally in Storyspace and was going to be published in 1999 or thereabouts from (link: "Eastgate Systems.")[(goto-url:'http://www.eastgate.com')] See [[2025 Background]] for 2025 information. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Title page") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Cast of characters<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The Murphy Family (link-repeat:"Sarah")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The beginning", "Somehow") (link-goto: "The underview", "Undercoverings") ]] 4/13/64 A 33-year old single woman with two kids: Laurel and Janet. (link-repeat:"Laurel")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The outside", "Cat's eyes") (link-goto: "the inside", "books") ]] 6/13/87 An autistic child. She has shoulder-length soft baby-blonde hair, light brown eyebrows, and large green eyes. (link-repeat:"Janet")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Janet", "Yellow and green") (link-goto: "Janet", "Dried roses") (link-goto: "Janet", "After the show") (link-goto: "Janet", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "Janet", "Money matters") (link-goto: "Janet", "Normalcy") (link-goto: "Janet", "First strike") (link-goto: "Janet", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "Janet", "Pigeon blood") (link-goto: "Janet", "charges") (link-goto: "Janet", "god's eyes") (link-goto: "Janet", "Violence") (link-goto: "Janet", "more interesting") (link-goto: "Janet", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "Janet", "Smooth skiing") (link-goto: "Janet", "Success") (link-goto: "Janet", "disappearing from view") (link-goto: "Janet", "understands this") (link-goto: "Janet", "Escapes") (link-goto: "Janet", "Escapes vetoed") (link-goto: "Janet", "Janet's magazine") (link-goto: "Janet", "Random mixup") (link-goto: "Janet", "Helpfulness") (link-goto: "Janet", "MOONSISTERS") (link-goto: "Janet", "Who can she be") (link-goto: "Janet", "On second thought") (link-goto: "Janet", "once,") ]] 8/14/89 The baby of the family. She has long brown hair she can braid herself. Her eyes are hazel, flecked with gold. Her face is one mass of freckles. (link-repeat:"Kodi the dog")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Kodi the dog", "dancing") (link-goto: "Kodi", "For poorer") (link-goto: "Kodi", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "Kodi", "Normalcy") ]]. A rather largish cross between a golden retreiver and alaskan husky. One brown eye, one blue. A friendly dog with no aversions whatsoever to being trumelled, stomped on, and generally made stuffing of. (link-repeat:"Father")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "father", "finish") (link-goto: "father", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "father", "painted") (link-goto: "father", "Take me for a ride") (link-goto: "father", "Meaning what") (link-goto: "father", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "father", "When you knew") (link-goto: "father", "Mama") (link-goto: "father", "I could never") (link-goto: "father", "prepaid") (link-goto: "father", "painted") ]] (link-repeat:"Mother")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah's Mother", "Yellow and green") (link-goto: "mother", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "mother", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "mother", "The final shot") (link-goto: "mother", "needed this") ]] (link-repeat:"Aunt Florence")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The final shot") ]] (link-repeat:"Kelly ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Kelly ", "After the knowing") (link-goto: "Kelly ", "Before the child") (link-goto: "Kelly ", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "Kelly ", "Escapes") (link-goto: "Kelly ", "Escapes vetoed") (link-goto: "Kelly ", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "Kelly ", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "Kelly ", "Psychic Roses") ]] 6/18/66 Sarah's little sister. (link-repeat:"The husband")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "absence", "The father") (link-goto: "absence", "You meet") (link-goto: "absence", "After the test") (link-goto: "absence", "What I know") ]]. Who conveniently exits the story as it begins. The neighbors (link-repeat:"The Coopers")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Coopers", "Slip-sliding away") (link-goto: "Coopers", "No harm done") (link-goto: "Coopers", "And rejoice") Coop(link-goto: "e", "mowing grace")rs ]] are 4 doors down. They mow Sarah's lawn occasionally and take Janet to the mountains. Their son, (link-repeat:"Jack")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Jack Cooper", "Normalcy") Ja(link-goto: "c", "Not working")k Cooper ]], thinks Laurel is cute. (link-repeat:"Mr. Fisher")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "After the show") ]] is 2 doors up. His daughter, (link-repeat:"Carina")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Carina Fisher", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "Carina Fisher", "Success") (link-goto: "Carina Fisher", "After the show") ]], is Janet's best friend. (link-repeat:"Mrs. Macdougal")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Mrs. Macdougal", "Electronic madness") (link-goto: "Mrs. Macdougal", "Running") (link-goto: "Mrs. Macdougal", "Credits") (link-goto: "Mrs. Macdougal", "Devices") (link-goto: "Mrs. Macdougal", "Take me for a ride") ]] is 3 doors down and continues to threaten to call Social Services. Her lawn is immaculate, down to the fishing boy and his brass pole, fishing over the mailbox. The cast includes Janet's girl (link-repeat:"scout troop and friends")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "friends", "Bake sale") (link-goto: "friends", "Scouting") ]]. The School (Cattail Creek Elementary) (link-repeat:"Marilyn Lincon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Marilyn Lincon, primary", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Leaving") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Can't say 1") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Devices") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Social decision") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Emergency 3") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Emergency 4") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "Marilyn", "Sandwiches") ]] Laurel's primary teacher. Marilyn is tall and thin with a serious demeanor. She is extremely dedicated to Laurel; when her son was in intensive care, she still came in to work with Laurel. (link-repeat:"Carrie Abbot")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Carrie Abbot, helper", "Leaving") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Can't say 1") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Devices") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Social decision") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Aftermath") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Emergency") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Armor") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Sandwiches") (link-goto: "Carrie", "Isolation") ]] A paraprofessional who helps Marilyn. Carrie and Marilyn work only with Laurel, full time. Carrie has a kindred sense of humor with Sarah. She is very short and weighs only about 20 pounds more than Laurel. Carrie brings Laurel old (link-repeat:"cd")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "She knows what", "cds") (link-goto: "cds reflect.", "moon cd") ]]s to spin. (link-repeat:"Mr. Maddox")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox, principal", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox", "Devices") (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox", "Social decision") (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox", "Aftermath") (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox", "Yanking") (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox", "Smokers") (link-goto: "Mr. Maddox", "Whatcha gonna do") ]] The school principal. He would far rather do without this particular administrative headache. (link-repeat:"Ms. Eleanor Bradshaw")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Ms. Eleanor Bradshaw", "Grocery shopping") (link-goto: "Coordinator of Special Ed", "Credits") (link-goto: "Cattail School District", "Video prescription") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Reasonable alternatives") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Anything") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Social decision") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Going on empty") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Consultants") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "If we do") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Time costs") (link-goto: "Ms. Bradshaw", "Isolation") ]] The district coordinator of special services. Also assistant director of special education for Cattail Creek School District (e-mail address ebradshaw@cattailelem.co.edu). (link-repeat:"Ms. Scratcherd")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Ms. Scratcherd,", "Social decision") (link-goto: "School psychologist", "Profession") (link-goto: "Ms. Scratcherd", "Consultants") ]] The school district's psychologist. She just got her MA in psychology last year from Stanford and is well versed in the latest accepted theories. (link-repeat:"Ivan Newchurch")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The father") ]] Last year's psychiatrist. (link-repeat:"John Alfred, EdD.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "John Alfred, EdD.", "Consultants") (link-goto: "Joseph Alfred, EdD.", "Have it your way") (link-goto: "Joseph Alfred, EdD.", "Sandwiches") ]] An educational behaviorial specialist that the district hires as a consultant for Laurel. Social Services There are a revolving (link-repeat:"cast of characters")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I'm sure there are", "Disclaimer") (link-goto: "bureaucrazies with", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "rational human beings", "Kelly and I") (link-goto: "dedicated to ensuring", "Running") (link-goto: "our children get a fair", "1-2 punch") (link-goto: "chance at life.", "Social Services") (link-goto: "I just haven't", "Follow up") (link-goto: "encountered any", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "in my life.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]] here–no one is in the same case twice. So I wouldn't take them too seriously. No connections here. Advocate (link-repeat:"Ms. Springer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]], the advocate from Association for Community Living. She just graduated from the University of Northern Colorado's vaunted human resources program with a BA and a silver ring through her lip. Doctors (link-repeat:"Dr. Jacobsen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dr. Jacobsen", "had left her") (link-goto: "Dr. Jacobsen", "I knew") (link-goto: "Dr. Jacobsen", "looked very hard.") (link-goto: "Dr. Jacobsen", "When you knew") ]] is the first doctor to see Laurel and refers both Laurel and Sarah to a psychiatrist. (link-repeat:"Dr. Graybill")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dr. Graybill", "I could never") (link-goto: "Dr. Graybill", "I knew") (link-goto: "Dr. Graybill", "When you knew") ]], a psychiatrist, stops Laurel's screaming by sending the mother away. (link-repeat:"Dr. Mollie O'Malley")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you knew") ]], first to suspect autism, and (link-repeat:"Dr. Kathleen Frawley")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dr. Kathleen Frawley", "the bullshit") (link-goto: "Dr. Kathleen Frawley", "When you knew") ]], first to diagnose autism. She still has the freckles and matter of factness from her youth. They work only at Children's Hospital, which refuses to see us until we pay $45,984.64 we owe at 8 percent interest compounded weekly. (link-repeat:"Dr. Morgan")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dr. Morgan", "Putting stuff away") (link-goto: "Dr. Morgan", "Credits") (link-goto: "Dr. Morgan", "Consultants") (link-goto: "Dr. Morgan", "If we do") ]] our latest pediatrician, who specializes in neurology, and (link-repeat:"Ellie")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Putting stuff away") ]], the nurse practitioner. (link-repeat:"Dr. Elnor")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dr. Elnor", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "Dr. Elnor", "lucky") ]], examines Laurel in 1996 for possible child abuse. (link-repeat:"Dr. Michelson")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Dr. Michelson", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "Dr. Michelson", "Surgery aftermath") ]], took care of Sarah's ovarian cyst. Friends (link-repeat:"A-nonny-mouse")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Surgery aftermath") ]], who comes by with goodies at times. (link-repeat:"Mona")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Mona", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "Mona", "Laughing meds") ]], on the autistic list, who has an autistic son. She lives in Minnesota. (link-repeat:"Chris")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Chris and Rob", "Show biz") (link-goto: "Chris and Rob", "Doubletake") (link-goto: "Chris", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "Chris", "Into our own hands") (link-goto: "Chris", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "Chris", "Profits at home") (link-goto: "Chris", "Brown vs Board") (link-goto: "Chris", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "Chris", "Real words") (link-goto: "Chris", "School auccess") ]] and (link-repeat:"Rob")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Rob", "And rejoice") (link-goto: "Rob", "Slip-sliding away") ]] Hardy, who are there in a pinch. (link-repeat:"The Moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Someday, I want to see", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "the moon's make up drawer", "moon closets") (link-goto: "so I can understand how", "MOONBLOOD") (link-goto: "she can have so many", "BLOOD DROPS") (link-goto: "different faces.", "Disclaimer") ]] Who has been shattered into too many pieces to count. Among the major shards are: Hina, Luonnotar, Mardoll, the creatress of the world. First woman, moon goddess, she sculpted time and earth in many cultures. Mictecaciutal, Macha Alla, Kalika, destroyer of souls. Ruler of the dead. In many cultures, she who determines the sea tides controls life and death. Artemis, guardian of the waxing moon. Especially worshipped in Arcadia. Worshippers gather around under the sacred bough of her moon tree to dance ecstatically. Virgin goddess of maternal blessings and plenty. Lady of beasts. In Olympian mythology, subverted as sister of Apollo and daughter of Zeus. Mother is at times Demeter/Persephone or Leto. Selene/Luna, carrier of the full moon. A winged goddess who drives a pair of crescent-horned oxen through the night skies. Essential in ancient magics, nearly vanquished in the Olympian mythology, and barely traceable today. Hecate, sorceress of the waning and dark moons. Great ancient goddess, she outshone her daughter Circe. Haunts crossroads, carries a scourge and a torch. Hecate suppers are laid out on the night of a dark moon, and consist of dogs, honey, wine, and black ewe lambs. Isis, Io, ancient moon goddesses transcribed into Egyptian and Olympian mythology. Hera protects Io from Zeus' attentions, first with a giant guardian, Argos. When Hermes slays Argus, Hera sends a gadfly to torment Io into fleeing to Egypt, thus saving her. (link-repeat:"Changing Woman")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON SHINE") ]], important Navajo and Apache female deity. She changes between baby, girl, woman, and old woman. Mother of Killer-of-Enemies and Child-of-the-water. Also the Eternal One, the Old-Woman-Who-Never-Dies. </div> </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Autism<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Autism, n. Morbid concentration, a mental disorder which develops in childhood. The most striking symptom of the autistic child is his almost total withdrawal into himself. Ironically, autistic children often are very intelligent. from: New Webster's Dictionary, Roget's Thesaurus, and Medical Dictionary. 1992, Book Essentials, Inc. New York, NY. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Directions") (link-goto: "back", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "back", "Train's booked solid") (link-goto: "back", "Dedication") (link-goto: "back", "Before the storm") (link-goto: "back", "Isn't that special?") (link-goto: "back", "Flyer") (link-goto: "back", "Bruno's origin") (link-goto: "back", "Random mixup") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "ADD") (link-goto: "back", "Directions") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Disclaimer<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: A disclaimer from the authors: This hypertext novel is fictional-however, many incidents are drawn from those in the trenches. This hypertext is not a medical manual for treating autism, nor is it a clinical description of all autistic children. Rather, it is the story of one mother and her daughter. Neither is this hypertext a social or political treatise on the welfare system of the U.S. or Colorado governments. The governmental branches dealing with education and social services are harshly portrayed here. We know that there are great, incredible people in these organizations who are truly working to help people with disabilities. However, we feel the systems themselves are flawed and have not bothered to keep our (link-repeat:"personal sentiments*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "personal sentiments") ]] from influencing this work. Other than a few (link-repeat:"humble suggestion")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The trouble with problems", "Armor") (link-goto: "is the answers", "School success!") (link-goto: "are not easy.", "the bullshit") ]] (get rid of the (link-repeat:"bureaucrazy*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "bureaucrazy") ]] let parents keep custody of their children, get parents involved in treatment, and treat parents with respect), we do not know how to fix the system. If the incidents in this work enrage you, we suggest you contact the Autism Society of America. Find out about your local chapters and volunteer. Or volunteer in any myriad of ways to help people in need. Caution: This hypertext is not endorsed by the Autism Society of America or any other person, product, etc. mentioned herein. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Title page") ]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>bureaucrazy<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Bureaucrazy, n. The regulations that choke government agencies in (link-repeat:"catch 22s")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. When is a can", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "not a can?", "Damned if you do") (link-goto: "A. When it's a can't.", "1-2 punch") ]] (You can't have y until you have z, you can't have z until you have y), expensive propositions (you have to meet this specification even though that situation won't come up for a million years), and delays (well, our next budget cycle is in 2 years, so come back in about 4 years for funding). </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Disclaimer") (link-goto: "back", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "back", "Resource letter") (link-goto: "back", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "back", "It's no picnic") (link-goto: "explore", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Social Services") (link-goto: "back", "On an orphan train") (link-goto: "back", "My chains") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Timeline<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Chronology 3/9/96 (link-repeat:"Running")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Running") ]] 5/19/96 (link-repeat:"Grocery shopping")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Grocery shopping") ]] 7/19/96 (link-repeat:"Take me for a ride")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Take me for a ride") ]] 8/12/96 (link-repeat:"For richer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "For richer") ]] 10/10/96 (link-repeat:"Social Services")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Social Services") ]] 11/16/96 (link-repeat:"Smooth skiing")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Smooth skiing") ]] 12/3/96 (link-repeat:"Whatcha gonna do")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Whatcha gonna do") ]] 12/19/96 (link-repeat:"For poorer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "For poorer") ]] 1/7/97 (link-repeat:"Emergency")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Emergency") ]] 1/11/97 (link-repeat:"Aftermath")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Aftermath") ]] 3/26/97 (link-repeat:"Social decision")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Social decision") ]] 4/1/97 (link-repeat:"Out of options")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Out of options") ]] 4/24/97 (link-repeat:"Steamed clams")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Steamed clams") ]] 5/2/97 (link-repeat:"Advocrazy")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Advocrazy") ]] 5/13/97 (link-repeat:"Leaving")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Leaving") ]] 6/1/97 (link-repeat:"Somehow")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Somehow") ]] </div> </div>

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>personal sentiments<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: (link-repeat:"A work devoid of personal sentiments is dead")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Disclaimer") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Disclaimer") (link-goto: "back", "LISTEN") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Laurel<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: A tree acred to Artemis. Its intoxicating properties bestow the gift of poetry and prophecy - but not always the wisdome needed to understand these gifts. Symbolizes immortality and used to seal lovers and crown victors. Causes (link-repeat:"forgetfulness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What is there", "SCATH GEALACH") (link-goto: "to remember", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "when the world breaks?", "moon breaks") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "MOON GIRL") (link-goto: "back", "Cast of characters") (link-goto: "back", "Into our own hands") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Directions<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> ''1999 Instructions '' //These were corrupted, I had linked to the [[Timeline]] and [[Cast of characters]]// ''2025 Instructions'' //You are looking through an unfinished work. There are blank spaces (nodes) where either the text was corrupted and could not be recovered or I had not gotten to writing a pivotal scene or detail. I had finished writing and proofread about ¾ of the work. As this is a traditional node and link hypertext, there are no true paths through the work. Click where you want to. But keep this structure in mind, as structure imparts the meaning to this piece: [[Sarah|Undercoverings]] as the cup holding her child safe, [[Laurel|Cat's eyes]] as seeing the world from a different perspective, and the [[moon's blood|Selene's dreams]] churning inside the cup, restless and endless in its seeking.// (link-repeat: 'Our vision for the map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal) [(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ <video controls autoplay style="max-width: 100%; height: auto;"> <source src="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/ngphuongd/stonemoons/main/images/CupGIFs/stone-moons-intro.mp4" type="video/mp4"> Your browser does not support the video tag. </video> ]]] </div> </div>

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Underlying truth<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: At the turn of the millenium, we understand everything. We have seen the atom as a universe unto itself. We have stood upon the moon, the dust ground beneath our boots. We know her cycles, her thoughts, her very essence. And that essence is stone. We have held her stones in our hands. We know now. The moon is stone and stone alone. No longer can she be the night goddess to hold our hearts in terror. Saying that the moon once had a voice and lost it, once (link-repeat:"created the world")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We know what", "IN THE BEGINNING") (link-goto: "created the world.", "IT MUST BE WRITTEN") (link-goto: "Chaos.", "Into our own hands") ]] and (link-repeat:"destroyed it")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The moon is no longer", "MOON SHADOWS") (link-goto: "known as the destroyer", "AFTER THE FALL") (link-goto: "of souls, or of foes.", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") ]], is simply mouthing a string of sounds without meaning. This is the way of the world. And those who think they know better should (link-repeat:"consult their physician")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The correct diagnoses", "drugs") (link-goto: "of illusion is", "The father") (link-goto: "schizophrenia.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]] immediately. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="directions"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Directions") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "Title page") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "DENIAL") (link-goto: "back", "IT MUST BE WRITTEN") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Dedication<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> This is for all those lost under the (link-repeat:"moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "And for those who know", "DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE") (link-goto: "the moon is more than", "moon breaks") (link-goto: "the sum of her stones.", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") ]]. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="directions"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Directions") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Directions") (link-goto: "back", "Title page") (link-goto: "back", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "carpet knows") (link-goto: "back", "SOLE REMEDY") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Egress<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> (link-repeat:"Note")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "No doubt by now", "Underlying truth") (link-goto: "you've noticed that the", "Desperate") (link-goto: "link names in this story", "understands this") (link-goto: "tell stories themselves.", "Emergency placement") ]] (link-repeat:"from the authors")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Links are the true", "books") (link-goto: "creators of meaning", "Vanity") (link-goto: "in this work.", "Who can she be") (link-goto: "The interstices are", "FLOOD OF WORDS") (link-goto: "where everything happens.", "wash over me") ]] (link-repeat:"to the reader")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When you read, you must", "people") (link-goto: "read between the lines.", "to return") (link-goto: "Determine what happens", "Psychic Roses") (link-goto: "between the spaces.", "RIDING THE FLOOD") ]]: (link-repeat:"You")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "And then, and only then,", "Out on a limb") (link-goto: "will you understand", "You beckon") (link-goto: "your place", "You mean") (link-goto: "in our lives.", "I") ]] (link-repeat:"have travelled")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It is never the", "Sending her away") (link-goto: "destination that matters.", "trip") (link-goto: "Only the nitty-gritty", "Chicago") (link-goto: "of the journey counts.", "On an orphan train") ]] (link-repeat:"far")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The meaning of our lives", "Paranoia") (link-goto: "depends on how you go.", "RECEPTION") (link-goto: "Are you systematic?", "clouds") (link-goto: "Or are you chaotic?", "Mythic origins")]] (link-repeat:"through this work")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Do you take the time", "Directions") (link-goto: "to understand the way", "Profoundly simple") (link-goto: "the light enters?", "Dedication") ]]. (link-repeat:"Perhaps")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Or do you revel in", "moon wants") (link-goto: "the darkness--thinking", "If we do") (link-goto: "you understand it all", "Death wish") (link-goto: "when you truly don't", "Before the child") ]] (link-repeat:"you know everything")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Know everything.", "Consultants") (link-goto: "Understand everything.", "Catch 22") (link-goto: "Find out everything", "Aha") (link-goto: "by taking the links.", "numbers know") ]] (link-repeat:"you need to know")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Make the links a part", "WHAT I KNOW") (link-goto: "of yourself--", "AFTER THE KNOWING") (link-goto: "a journey into", "ARKENSTONES") (link-goto: "your own soul.", "IN THE BEGINNING") ]] - (link-repeat:"and perhaps")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Perhaps then you", "Slip-sliding away") (link-goto: "will understand the", "Running again") (link-goto: "analepsis in", "Once again,") (link-goto: "your own life.", "practice") ]] (link-repeat:"you don't")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Because the relationships", "moon wants") (link-goto: "range from superficial", "The answer sheet") (link-goto: "to surrealistic, you", "WHAT I DON'T KNOW") (link-goto: "don't know what to expect.", "Uncertain") ]]. (link-repeat:"What you have seen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Relax. Trace your steps", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "a couple of times.", "Emergency") (link-goto: "You can always revisit", "Running") (link-goto: "to ensure you understand.", "Yanking") ]], (link-repeat:"what you have not seen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "And whatever patterns", "Can't say 2") (link-goto: "you haven't seen", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "will still be there,", "water drowns") (link-goto: "waiting for your mind", "MOON MOTHS") (link-goto: "to unravel them.", "Rain included") ]], (link-repeat:"does not matter.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What we are trying to", "Ach du lieber") (link-goto: "do here, and what you", "looked very hard.") (link-goto: "find out here, does", "Underlying truth") (link-goto: "not matter in the end.", "LISTEN") ]] (link-repeat:"If this were")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If it did, you would need", "Profession") (link-goto: "time to understand it all.", "show and tell") ]] (link-repeat:"an academic tome")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "No one has time to", "Laurel's World") (link-goto: "parse each atom,", "School success") (link-goto: "each quark, each galaxy.", "Janet's magazine") (link-goto: "So why do we try?", "Bruno") ]], (link-repeat:"we could sit")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why can't we just sit", "All I wanted") (link-goto: "in the green grass", "trees") ]] (link-repeat:"over coffee")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "on a summer day,", "He says") (link-goto: "watch the world go by,", "Thursday coffees") (link-goto: "glance into the lovers'", "He declines") (link-goto: "hands and smiles?", "He leaves") ]] (link-repeat:"and chat about the")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Why are you here", "They say") (link-goto: "talking with us about", "First strike") (link-goto: "these arcane", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "incomprehensibilities?", "Can't say 1") ]] (link-repeat:"hyperpoesis of automatic")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Perhaps it is because", "Going on empty") (link-goto: "we, both author and", "filigree") (link-goto: "reader, have found in", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "hypertext", "personal sentiments") ]] (link-repeat:"text decomposition")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "a way to become more", "Electronic madness") (link-goto: "than mere author,", "to return") (link-goto: "than passive reader,", "dust") (link-goto: "a way to be text.", "AFTER THE FALL") ]], (link-repeat:"or the taxonomy of")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hypermedia must", "I knew") (link-goto: "be classified in new", "regular classroom") (link-goto: "ways--but it differs", "Flyer") (link-goto: "from old texts only in", "ADD") (link-goto: "links and structure.", "Autism") ]] (link-repeat:"hypermedia as a change agent, ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Do the new possibilities", "Video presciption") (link-goto: "inherent in the links", "I get the message") (link-goto: "modify the way our minds", "letters come") (link-goto: "process information?", "papers") ]](link-repeat:"or better yet, ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Is hypertext one more", "Life in the good lane") (link-goto: "step on the evolutionary", "Little miracles") (link-goto: "road to a better form", "doorlights") (link-goto: "of humanity?", "TRIUMPHS") ]](link-repeat:"navigational bewilderments ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Or is it merely", "WILD MOONS") (link-goto: "**DELETE**", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "a sideshow,", "Take me for a ride") (link-goto: "a freak accident of", "cars") (link-goto: "computer and text?", "Not working") ]](link-repeat:"in hyperstructures.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Will hypertext structure", "Cat's eyes") (link-goto: "last a millenium?", "BLOOD DROPS") ]] (link-repeat:"But we have no ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Will anyone be able", "Resources") (link-goto: "to read these words", "The great wall") (link-goto: "and care about what", "Beyond anything") (link-goto: "happens to us?", "merely perceives") ]](link-repeat:"point to prove ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The whole point of", "Dedication") (link-goto: "creating this hypertext", "Rage") (link-goto: "is to explore the battle", "Withering choices") (link-goto: "Sarah fights with the", "HOLD NO HOPE") (link-goto: "moon and society.", "MOON FALLEN") ]](link-repeat:"or position to keep. ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The links and structure", "Janet's essay") (link-goto: "in hypertext are the only", "Time costs") (link-goto: "way we can tell this", "Alternatives") (link-goto: "story and let you ask:", "Bruno's legacy") (link-goto: "who was right?", "the bullshit") ]](link-repeat:"We have only ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Who was sane?", "Escapes vetoed") (link-goto: "Who did win?", "Money matters") (link-goto: "We have only questions", "god's eyes") (link-goto: "to offer.", "MOONSISTERS") ]](link-repeat:"a story to tell. ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Our stories contradict", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "each other.", "MOON BLOOD") (link-goto: "Sarah lives.", "FLOOD OF WORDS") (link-goto: "Sarah dies.", "Out on a limb") (link-goto: "Sarah does neither.", "snow voice") ]](link-repeat:"Or to keep from telling. ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We ourselves are", "Meaning what") (link-goto: "sworn to secrecy.", "say nothing") (link-goto: "We cannot tell you", "PRAYER") (link-goto: "who is sane", "disappearing from view") (link-goto: "and who is not.", "I am not") ]](link-repeat:"By now, you've poked ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We argue amongst", "MOON BLESSINGS") (link-goto: "ourselves about the", "LULLABY") (link-goto: "true meaning.", "Any other questions?") (link-goto: "And we have poked around", "not born") (link-goto: "more than anyone else.", "once,") ]](link-repeat:"through most of ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What the truth is,", "Disclaimer") (link-goto: "what these links are,", "Cast of characters") (link-goto: "what your life is,", "Getting down to it") (link-goto: "is not so important.", "moon cd") ]](link-repeat:"the major materials. ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Just know that there is", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "truth, that links mean", "Leaving") (link-goto: "something important,", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "that your life is real.", "Somehow") ]](link-repeat:"If you have found one point ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If you understand", "a cyst") (link-goto: "one relationship,", "First strike") (link-goto: "If you see one facet", "let me know") (link-goto: "of your life here,", "LIFE FEAR") ]](link-repeat:"to shiver over, ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "If you once feel that", "Diagnoses") (link-goto: "zero at the bone that", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "the uncorrupted truth", "CELL MEMORY") (link-goto: "carries in its wake,", "BONES KNOW") (link-goto: "we will know.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") ]](link-repeat:"we'll rest content.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "We have done what", "When you knew") (link-goto: "we set out to do.", "For richer") (link-goto: "The fact alone makes", "Rain included") (link-goto: "this journey worthwhile.", "zorfs") ]] (link-repeat:"So, if you want to ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "But there is always", "ALL I REALLY WANT") (link-goto: "more to explore.", "desire rises up") (link-goto: "The desire to understand", "Have it your way") (link-goto: "the far side of anything,", "moon wants") ]](link-repeat:"keep lurking about, ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "a dark moon,", "Cop-sickles") (link-goto: "a mist-shrouded shore,", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "a trouble psyche,", "Pigeon blood") (link-goto: "these are what wait.", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") ]](link-repeat:"please feel free ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Only be satisfying", "bridges") (link-goto: "the urge to understand", "Escapes") (link-goto: "will you be free", "Escaping the storm") (link-goto: "to live your life.", "any place") ]](link-repeat:"to stay as long as you like. ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "An unexamined life, or", "everything waits") (link-goto: "unfollowed link", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "is a broken bud.", "waiting lists") ]](link-repeat:"Otherwise, ")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "For who will never", "Out of options") (link-goto: "know what could have", "Whatcha gonna do") (link-goto: "happened next, or", "Isolation") (link-goto: "who could have lived.", "other moons") ]](link-repeat:"we will bid you a fond farewell.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "But as we crush an", "Leaving") (link-goto: "infinity of possible", "The father") (link-goto: "existences every moment,", "Yellow and green") (link-goto: "abandoning more", "Abandon-mints") (link-goto: "possibilities is easy.", "DOWN TO GRIEF") ]]'' ---------------------------------------------- (link-repeat:"Click anywhere on this page to explore.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "So explore for as", "Smooth skiing") (link-goto: "long as you like,", "I will find a way") (link-goto: "without feeling", "locate resources") ]] (link-repeat:"Return to the Major Players:")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "that you need to see", "Cat's eyes") (link-goto: "or understand", "Selene's dreams") (link-goto: "absolutely everything.", "Undercoverings") ]] ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]''/ ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]''/ ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]] </div> </div> Or leave us: On a Mac, choose DONE from the READER menu On a Windows machine, choose EXIT from the FILE menu.

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>content<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: As Arthur Conan Doyle says in his preface to Round the Fire Stories, "If my stories have the good fortune to give pleasure to anyone, at anytime or place, their author will be very satisfied." McClure Company, 1908. 1991 reprint by Chronicle Books, San Francisco, CA. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Directions") ]]]

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Cat's eyes<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> <div class="CE"></div> (link-repeat:"Individual Education Plan")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Laurel's World") ]] (link-repeat:"Facilitated Communication")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When mouths do not work", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "bridges to the mind,", "Hands on talking") ]] (link-repeat:"Collection of facilitated typing exercises")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "we must find other", "School success!") (link-goto: "widdershins.", "books") ]] </div> </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>Selene's dreams<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> //2025 note: In the original Stone Moons, this page was a dream that encompassed all of the links for the Moon nodes. This page had been corrupted and was not recoverable. Thus, I have re-created a new navigational introduction so that the work can be traversed as originally intended. Deena// [[She|DENIAL]] [[knew|MOONBLOOD]] herself [[in her dreams|MOON BLESSINGS]]. [[Only at night|Rage]], [[only|ARKENSTONES]] in her [[shining|MOON SHINE]] [[madness|MOON MADNESS]], could she [[transform|MOON CYCLES]] [[into her true name|MOON STORIES]]. [[In her dreams|DOUBLED]], [[she knew|FALL SILENT]] [[the truth|STONES UNDERSTAND]]. She [[had birthed|SCATH GEALACH]] the world; she had [[nurtured|MOON FALLEN]] it [[into being|MOON SHADOWS]]. But she was [[too tired|HYSTERICS]] to [[watch over|WILD MOONS]] [[the chaos|moon breaks]] now. She [[needed|RITUALS]] [[someone to|us]] [[take her|MOON PRINCESS]] [[place|MOON GIRL]] , so that she could rest--[[possibly to recover|LOOSE SOULS]] , [[perhaps to|MOONSISTERS]] [[play|GLASS HARMONICA]], even [[mayhap|Pro re nata, def.]] [[to die|Hecatomb]]. [[Rejecting|PRO RE NATA]] [[others|WHAT I DON'T KNOW]] , she [[chose her successor|LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON]] wisely and poured [[everything|MOON CAKES]] [[she had|BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS]] into [[this new|other moons]], [[this fragile vessel|GLASS ENDINGS]]. She [[had not|Or if it did.]] [[ anticipated|Night moves]] [[the struggle|GYNATRISIA]], [[the angst|TRIUMPHS]] from [[her chosen one|DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE]], [[the clashing claims|PRAYER]] on this [[single|ALL I REALLY WANT]] soul. She reformed her ears [[to stone against|Underlying truth]] [[the cries|LISTEN]]. She [[hid|carpet knows]] [[her|moon wants]] [[face|HARM]], [[her body|moon door]] so the [[voices|snowvoice]] could [[not|clouds creep]] [[reach her|PRAYERS UNANSWERED]]. She turned herself to stone and [[gathered|this is how]] up her [[pieces|BONES KNOW]] . She [[burrowed|hideouts]] [[into the flesh|moon cd]], [[the skin|moon skin]], the [[soul|THE MOON'S PRICE]], [[the mind|moon wants]] of her successor. For she knew that her creation must be [[protected after her|ALTERED SACRIFICES]], [[her story|Dedication]] that [[must survive|STICKY SOULS]] --and those [[fragile|blood talks]] voices [[could|REPETITION]] [[not|OICHE DHUIBHRE]] [[be allowed|AFTER A WHILE]] to [[thwart|Don't stand]] her rest. Yet [[there was no|THE SOUL SELECTS]] [[way to share her story|HOLD NO HOPE]] [[in these dream worlds|WHAT THE MOON FORGOT]]--[[no pen|THE MOST PRECIOUS]] to [[capture|Once again,]] [[the mythos|HANDING DOWN DOOM]] of her [[ancient names|MOON MOTHER]] , of [[primordial|LULLABY]] [[beginnings|IN THE BEGINNING]]. And her [[word creations|moon mind]] [[grew|RIDING THE FLOOD]] until [[their floods|FLOOD OF WORDS]] [[crowded|Memories]] her [[mind away|AFTER THE FALL]]. What she [[conceived|BC]] of then [[merely|clouds]] [[washed the words|IT MUST BE WRITTEN]] [[away|letters come]], [[letting|water drowns]] [[them sink|NO TURNING BACK]] into the [[piercing|MOON EYES]] depths of [[her soul|Hares]], [[undisturbed|IN THE UNREAL]]. In her dreams, [[she feared that|moon hole]] the [[shadows|HIDING THE REAL]] of her words might [[remain|RESTLESS SEAS]] [[when she woke|Frozen dreams]]. She woke to her own blood, staining the sheets [[again|REPETITION]] [[within the|MOON MOTHS]] [[cells|CELL MEMORY]] of her [[death|MOON SHADOWS]]. But [[you|You know]] [[knew|everything waits]] this all along. </div> </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON FALLEN<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files Once in a land so far away no one has heard of it now, an old woman lost her daughter to (link-repeat:"blood fever")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "You could die from", "Death fear") (link-goto: "the wrong blood.", "LOOSE SOULS") ]] on the wane of the moon. She washed the small body - the cold had rushed into the joints so soon after the heat of the fever that the old woman shivered and could not stop her own shaking. Then she (link-repeat:"buried her daughter")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "It is when we", "LIFE FEAR") (link-goto: "bury ourselves in our", "alone.") (link-goto: "children that we", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "cannot come out.", "I could never") ]] on the moonless night, leaving new honey and old wineskins for the moon's supper. She bent over a dark pond, fringed with cattails. Moaned to the moon goddess, baring her wrinkled, sagging breasts to the darkened stars. Begged the moon to give back her daughter, her only comfort in the dark rag poverty of the forest. The moon came to her, carrying a torch with five flames and a scrouge painted in dusk red ochres. "You cannot have your daughter," she told the old woman. "For your daughter has always been mine. But you may have anything else you desire." The old woman fell to her knees, clutching the thin pale roots of the cattails. "Then let me be with you, so I can just glimpse her on the brink of a new moon," the old woman pleaded. (link-repeat:"The moon smiled")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "This is how Hades", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "must have felt when", "THE SOUL SELECTS") (link-goto: "Persephone ate", "moon wants") (link-goto: "the pomegranate seeds.", "HOLD NO HOPE") ]]. Cold swept swiftly through the old woman's outstretched arms. A woodcutter found her the next day, with blood fever marks staining her lips, splitting them into a frozen smile. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="empty"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "entirely sure") ]]] <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON CAKES") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON PRINCESS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON PRINCESS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files This happened (link-repeat:"more than once")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "What the goddess", "REPETITION") (link-goto: "would destroy, she first", "DOWN TO GRIEF") (link-goto: "must resurrect.", "Mythic origins") ]], for many lands have the same sort of tale. A girl mocked the boys in her village, so none of them would marry her as they grew up. She didn't mind living alone at the edge of the sea, so much. But she (link-repeat:"mourned for a child")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Those who wait", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "to be born", "SCATH GEALACH") (link-goto: "are the ones", "Death wish") (link-goto: "who wait to die.", "MOON SHADOWS") ]]. Each night, she would walk the beach at the lowest tide, imploring the moon to give her a child just as she gave back the tide to the sea. Each night, the sea rushed back and the moon was (link-repeat:"silent and unforgiving")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Night moves") ]]. Until one night, the harvest moon shone low and blooded just over the sea's far horizon. She ran to the shore, and threw herself into the reflection of the moon on the wet sand, washing the glistening salt drops of tide pools with her tears. And a child rose up out of the sea, light and beautiful as sea foam. The girl, now a woman, scooped the child in her arms and ran back to her hut by the side of the sea. She wrapped the child in clean long linens and put her to sleep. She herself did not sleep, but kept watch, fearing the moon would change her mind and snatch the child back. The child grew red and rosy, and the mother laughed to see the child playing with the tide pools, running in the daisies, savoring the snow. The child grew wise and beautiful, so much so that first the children, then the women, and finally the men of the village came out each morning to gaze upon her and hear her words. (The child's name here varies~from Hanako, Moon Flower, to Bur“deach Gealach, Moon Bride. I do not know the name the child finally received.) The mother feared the villagers' attention might cause the moon to remember, and so she tried to keep them away from her daughter. But still the villagers came. So she said nothing, but made sure they both were in well before sunset, and she locked the door tight against the moon each night. They chinked up the walls in their home and covered the windows so that no light of the moon would ever reach their daughter's fair features. However great her (link-repeat:"precautions against the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Nothing you do", "Merging") (link-goto: "will stop your fate.", "TRIUMPHS") ]], the mother could not keep the news of her extraordinary child from reaching the Emperor's ears. One fine summer's day, the Emperor's horsemen came knocking on the door, asking for the Moon Child. "We have come," they cried, "To take you to the Emperor's side. For he will have only you, the most fair and most wise of the entire country, as his bride." The moon girl smiled slowly and bowed deeply. "I am so heavily honored," she replied. "But please, I cannot leave this land yet. Please tell your Emperor that I cannot marry him, no matter what our hearts desire. And if he wishes to see me, then he must come here." The villagers heard about this and came running to persuade the girl to go with the Emperor's horsemen. But she adamently refused. They implored her, telling her that they would all have their necks slit for her impudence. The mother drove them away with a pitchfork, saying she would do the same for any who tried to force the girl away. But force was unnecessary. The Emperor himself came soon after, just to listen to the spell of the girl's singing while she wove the mats for the house. He stood (link-repeat:"spellbound")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "These spells work best", "GLASS HARMONICA") (link-goto: "without words.", "GLASS ENDINGS") ]] all of the first day, content merely to be within the sphere of her beauty. The second day he stayed away and sent her love poems. She returned them unread. The third day, he gathered his courage and knocked upon her door. The mother served them tea cakes. The moon girl knelt prettily, her dainty ankles tucked carefully under her. She mentioned a poet. He mentioned another. They talked long into after the (link-repeat:"sun")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON GIRL") ]] had set. (Stories diverge here also. Some say he courted for a single day, others a year and a day, still others over a hundred years. Whatever the length, all the stories agree that still the girl would not leave to go with him and still the mother locked the door tight against the night.) The Emperor was not satisfied with merely noonday talks, so he carefully slit a hole in the wall of the poorly made house. He opened it slowly, and the strong pearled light of the moon fell on the face of his beloved. She rose quickly, and went past him to greet the moon. She said nothing. The Emperor placed his hand on her shoulder, but she went on without feeling it. The moon's light grew stronger, forming a path right up to the door of the hut. The moon child climbed the path without a backwards glance. The story usually ends here. At any rate, it does not go on, in any of its variations, to detail how the Emperor broke the news to the mother. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="empty"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "this is how") ]]] <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON FALLEN") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON GIRL") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON GIRL<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files Once, an old woman held the knowledge of an entire village. She searched for someone to share it with, someone to take her place when she was gone. Finding no suitable young girl in the village, she walked under the moon. Strewing the finest, strongest herbs she could find into a circle, she called the moon. She bathed in moonlight, letting the light find her. She chanted to the moon beams, begged them to grant her last wish: I thirst for company, someone I can share my old years with. Give me a young girl, some one fair to see. Grant me someone who can see far and think clearly. And I will name her after you, the fairest of the sky. The moon laughed when she heard the tale. "I do not want your (link-repeat:"namings*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Laurel") ]]." she cried. "But I will give you what you ask for." After far too many more moons to remember, the girl came. Her hair was long spun copper, her eyes buttered gold, her limbs lithe and strong. Her beauty made the trees bow to her, the ground offer up to her any number of precious stones. Some swore the girl had sailed down the moon's light. The old woman smiled and said that she had seen the girl's soul, that the girl could indeed see far and think clearly. But when the girl tried to speak, only the harsh braying of donkeys emerged. Spittle flew from the edges of her mouth. Everyone then said the woman had finally gone mad under the moon, for the girl (link-repeat:"could not speak")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Without words", "she can't talk") (link-goto: "nothing in your", "pre-verbal") (link-goto: "mind will ever", "Real words") (link-goto: "penetrate", "Into our own hands") (link-goto: "anyone else's mind.", "Broken wires") ]] and was obviously an idiot. When I think of this, I wonder what I asked for under the moon, what I promised to name my child after. Sometimes, I spin the story out a bit longer, weaving the memory of an old woman showing the girl all the stores of her knowledge, hoarding it away from the bitter shunning of the villagers. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="empty"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "it happened") ]]] <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON PRINCESS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON CYCLES") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON CYCLES<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files It is said that once, Coyote (link-repeat:"chased the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Q. What do animals", "disuse") (link-goto: "use for flashlights?", "is captured") (link-goto: "A. Moon-beams.", "carpet knows") ]] away for a joke. He pranced and trotted, grinned and growled at the dark, star-abandoned sky. And the night stayed so dark that even he could not see his way and had to rest in the night. This may or may not be so. At any rate, it was certain that the moon was missing for a very long time. And while the moon was gone, a cradleboard with a glowing child appeared at the feet of the oldest woman in the tribe. The oldest woman took it and nursed it, for as the child touched her breast, milk once again began to flow. The woman named her child She-Who-Comes-Quietly. And the child grew strong, going out each day and bringing back game and berries out of season. And her skin grew rosy in the daylight. At night, she glowed softly, like ground corn caught in light. Still the moon lay dark, and still the stars refused to shine. Coyote now was (link-repeat:"desperate*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Desperate") ]] to play in the moon's light, as the harsh sun burned his nose and ruffled his ears. He started to prowl about the tribe, looking for light to throw into the sky. He poked his nose into one teepee, and the woman brought her mano down upon it, bruising it. Coyote howled off and poked his nose into the next teepee, searching for the fire he himself had given them. But the people were angry at Coyote for chasing the moon away, and would have nothing to do with him. Instead, they gathered in the oldest woman's teepee at night, gazing at She-Who-Comes-Quietly, soaking in her light. Finally, Coyote wondered what they were all up to, each night and every night, slipping away to the oldest woman's teepee. So he danced about the edges and got his nose under one of the stones on the west end. He saw the light from the girl and thought to himself: "Aha! That is where the moon is hiding! I'll show them!" So he wriggled his way under the teepee and snatched the girl up, running out of the east hole. The people were catching up to him quickly, too quickly. So he flung her up into the sky, and said "Now, stay there this time!" But the girl came down from the sky and changed into a woman far older than the oldest woman. She said "Coyote, I am always here, always in the form you least expect. But I will stay in my sky now and not visit you here again. (link-repeat:"I will change often")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Nothing is ever quite", "Before the child") (link-goto: "what we think", "DOUBLED") (link-goto: "it should be.", "dandelion blood") ]], too, just so that you may watch and learn." Then Changing Woman went back up to the sky, for she truly was the moon, as everyone knows. And only the oldest woman wept. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="empty"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Or if it did.") ]]] <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON GIRL") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON SHINE") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON SHADOWS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files This is one my grandmother told me, but I have not told it to my own children. Once, long after the moon created the world, and chased away the darkness forever, the world became crowded. You could not walk, because every inch of land was covered with a breathing animal. Even the ants could not squeeze through the immense pile of life. You could not sail the sea as every drop was taken by a breathing animal. Even the plankton could not wander through the waves of life. And the world was painful. Creatures grew older, joints aching, muscles straining, lungs pounding with every breath. The people complained of lumbago, rheumatism, arthritis, and every other sort of disease. Their knees hurt, their eyes squinted, their minds grew rusty from the constant wear of (link-repeat:"pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Contrarainism: where", "to become") (link-goto: "not dying is a fate", "in my pain") (link-goto: "worse than death.", "Death wish") ]]. But there was no death, no release. So the people cried out to the moon, telling her of their pain, of their strong desire for elbow room, of every other complaint that came from a world of never-ending life. And the moon called down. "What do you want me to do about it? It seems to be your lack of control, (link-repeat:"your hatred")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hatred is usually", "No harm done") (link-goto: "in the mind of", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "the beholder.", "show and tell") ]] that is doing this to you. Besides, as I recall, you helped yourselves out the last time." This then was her answer. And the people said, "Very well. We will do something about it then." For they had learned to hunt, to eat of other life. So now they worked for many days and nights. Some gathered sticks and honed both edges to cutting points. Others moved bodies and dug a huge pit, lining it with dry grasses and smaller sticks. Still others lined the outside of the pit, all except the west side, with sharp thorns. Then some of the people drove every creature and person they could find into the pit. They called down fire from their brothers the sun people, and burned everything in the pit. This made the mass of people and animals smaller. But the charred bones and seared flesh (link-repeat:"still breathed")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Breathing is something", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "most of us", "My soul") (link-goto: "could do without.", "Merging") ]], moaning in agony at each draught of air. And the sea remained unchanged. So the people again cried out to the moon. "You created this mess. (link-repeat:"You")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONBLOOD") ]] started it. Now do something about it." And the moon was tired of hearing their complaints. So she drew in a breath to the bottom of her being and blew it out upon the sea. And this breath was the chilling cold of death. Sea creatures died, leaving their bodies to flood the land. Land creatures died, leaving their charred and scarred bodies behind. And the water cleansed the earth of all the bodies, taking them deep inside the earth herself. "Now when things are too much to bear," the moon told the people who were left, "I will come. I will take care of you. So stop complaining." The people never spoke to the moon again. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="empty"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "GLASS HARMONICA") ]]] <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON SHINE") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "cosmo-agony", "MOONBLOOD") (link-goto: "Laurel", "Cat's eyes") (link-goto: "Under", "Undercoverings") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON SHINE<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files This then, is the true story. (link-repeat:"The others")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The real paradox is: ", "moon hole") (link-goto: "Truth is a lie.", "MOONBLOOD") (link-goto: "Blood is truth.", "STICKY SOULS") ]] you hear are all twisted variations, passed down by those who cannot remember. At first, only the (link-repeat:"dark")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "In the beginning was", "AFTER A WHILE") (link-goto: "the end. And the end", "PRO RE NATA") (link-goto: "existed without form.", "HANDING DOWN DOOM") ]] existed. She twirled nothingness into fantastic patterns of shade and shadow. And no one could see them - not even the dark herself. She became bored with the (link-repeat:"unseen patterns")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Changes in patterns", "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") (link-goto: "are themselves patterns.", "dust") ]], the atom-chilling loneliness of chaos. Of emptiness. Slowly, she gathered strength into her, taking on form, substance. She created blood to swirl inside her, beating out patterns of breath, into her and out of her. For a long time, this was enough. When she became bored again, she reached outside of herself and shaped the earth. And her thoughts became embodied in the darkness: thoughts of the sea moving in and out with her own breath. Of creatures breathing in the sea water. Of land for the sea to beat against. Of creatures breathing in the thin air. For a long time, this was enough. When the creatures stumbled against each other in the dark, she laughed. Finally, they came to her and asked her for light. "We are tired of feeling," they said. "We want to see." The darkness nodded. She breathed into her very bones, causing them to glow like old, nearly abandoned coals. And she glowed pearl silver, so light that the clouds around her took on the glow, clothing the sky about her in streamy, loving patterns. The patterns changed as you watched them, and the animals sat for a long time, entranced. And so the darkness became the moon. But this was not enough. The animals convened a hearing. "We want what we do not have, we will (link-repeat:"die without it")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There are too many", "LOOSE SOULS") (link-goto: "things we believe", "fades.") (link-goto: "we cannot live without.", "peanut butter") ]] " they told themselves. "We will create ourselves into light, just as the dark has created herself into moon." All the animals held their breath and blew in on themselves. And their wind was so great that they blew half the animals into the sky, where they glowed with such a fire that nothing remained in darkness. Even the dark moon fled. The rest of the animals found they, too, had changed. Now they all stood upright on two tiny pins, they all clothed themselves and needed to hunt each other to eat. So they hunted each other, and called themselves the people. They cried to the moon "Help us in our misery! We cannot go on with the light!" And the light the animals had (link-repeat:"made")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON SHADOWS") ]] sank into the ground. And the dark moon rose. But she was no longer purely dark, nor did she glow with the beautiful light she had once had. Now she was too weak to hide all of the hideous light of the people. "You have taken my strength, my people. For centuries hence I must spend most of my time rebuilding my own body. But I will do what I can," she cried. The moon gathered her full strength (which, in truth, was very little now) and turned some of the people back into animals. These were grateful, and paid their respect to the moon. But some of the people liked living as loathsome people and did not want to go back to the old animal ways, and so each time the moon has her strength, they hide. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="empty"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "trip") ]]] <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON CYCLES") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GP1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON SHADOWS") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON CAKES<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files Once, the moon always full. The hare in the moon shared his rice cakes if you could touch him as he rose and fell. A poor young rice farmer's daughter went wandering through a bamboo forest gathering young ferns. A rain had just fallen and the air and ground glistened in the newness of promised growth. She gathered more ferns and strayed much further than she ever had before. Before she knew it, she was (link-repeat:"completely lost")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Three little kittens", "Slip-sliding away") (link-goto: "have lost their mittens", "Broken wires") (link-goto: "and they began to cry.", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "But the moon was", "Running") (link-goto: "too far to hear them.", "leaving only") ]]. Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she stopped to rest and take her bearings. But when she woke, the waxing moon was nearly midway through the dark, starless sky. "Oh (link-repeat:"hare*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hares") ]], oh hare, up there pounding your rice cakes," she cried to the moon, "Grant me swift feet and a clear head that I might run home quickly. My poor parents will soon die of fright for me if they have not already!" As she ran, the trees thickened about her. She fled faster through the forest, her fast footsteps barely making a sound in the moist fallen leaves. Her breath came quick and hard, a delicate intrusion in the thick of the night. Nothing else stirred. Finally, she reached the clearing where her father's paddies lay, gleaming softly with the shadows of the moon. She walked up to her (link-repeat:"father's house")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Do fathers forget", "ever get") (link-goto: "their children because", "prepaid") (link-goto: "they do not carry", "Dead parakeets") (link-goto: "them in the womb?", "Meaning what") ]], but the door had slid shut and was fastened tight. She walked around to the firehole, and peered into the darkness. Her father and mother were inside safely sleeping, and her own form glittered harshly between them. The young girl screamed, and her father rushed out to see what was going on. The girl rushed up to him, threw her arms around him and cried "Father, father! can't you see me? Am I so changed? Who is visiting?" The father shooed her off, and made the sign of protection against witches. "Be off with you, fox-girl!" He cried. "Our daughter is safe at home with us in bed. Go torment someone else and leave us alone!" Knowing that the cold form in bed was not her own, but a (link-repeat:"changeling")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "How many lives have", "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") (link-goto: "we turned our backs on", "GYNATRISIA") (link-goto: "simply because the moon", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "wanted them more", "WILD MOONS") (link-goto: "than we did?", "MOON PRINCESS") ]], a moon-child sent to satisfy her father and mother, the girl screamed louder. But the father shut the door firmly and would not listen. The girl ran back into the forest. She touched the pads of her feet, felt the sharp growth of her nose and the soft, pointed ears. "Hare," she said, "I shall take every one of your rice cakes for my family. Then they will believe it is me!" And she jumped up to bite the moon. The moon grew smaller, and the hare pounded more and more furiously. As far as I know, the fox girl is still leaping, determined to get every last rice cake. But sometimes she must rest, and then the hare can catch up. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="empty"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "I am not") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="PO"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON FALLEN") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Hares<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: In China and Japan, the hare embodies power and immortality. His cakes are made from (link-repeat:"elixirs of immortality")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Immortality is more", "STICKY SOULS") (link-goto: "often a curse", "waiting lists") (link-goto: "than a cure.", "Merging") ]] - once you taste one in your dreams, you will never die. The hare offered himself to the Buddha; or the Buddha - in one of his incantations as a hare–offered himself to a starving god, Sakra; or a female hare offered herself to a starving peasant, who turned out to be the Buddha. In any case, the Buddha or the Sakra placed the hare carefully on the moon, where he/she has been ever since. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON CAKES") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>Desperate<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: desperate a. leaving (link-repeat:"no room for hope")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Nothing is crueler", "Ach du lieber") (link-goto: "than giving hope", "see it.") (link-goto: "when there is none.", "Thin bridges") ]]; hopelessly bad or difficult or dangerous; reckless from danger. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Directions") (link-goto: "back", "Frozen dreams") (link-goto: "back", "MOON CYCLES") (link-goto: "back", "Merging") (link-goto: "back", "Escaping the storm") (link-goto: "back", "Going on empty") (link-goto: "back", "Visigoths") (link-goto: "back", "Egress") (link-goto: "back", "affair") (link-goto: "back", "PRAYER") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON STORIES<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Myth files I've been keeping a list of folk tales about the moon. Collecting them, retyping them, retelling them. But I tell them only to myself. (link-repeat:"Artemis: Moon Cakes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON CAKES") ]] (link-repeat:"Hecate: Moon Fallen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON FALLEN") ]] (link-repeat:"Hecate: Moon Fallen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON FALLEN") ]] (link-repeat:"Selene: Moon Girl")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON GIRL") ]] (link-repeat:"Changing Woman: Moon Cycles")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON CYCLES") ]] (link-repeat:"Moon Creator: Moon Shine")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON SHINE") ]] (link-repeat:"Moon Destroyer: Moon Shadows")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON SHADOWS") ]] </div> </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>BLOOD DROPS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Soul files The moon makes her demands known in a dizzying kaleidoscope of blood. As I turn to face her pattern, it scatters as though it had never existed. The moon turns her fragments faster, knowing I cannot piece them together. And I let the shards of her memory run through my fingers and cut my soul into fragile glass ribbons. (link-repeat:"After a while")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "AFTER A WHILE") ]] (link-repeat:"Aha")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Aha") ]] (link-repeat:"All I really want")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "ALL I REALLY WANT") ]] (link-repeat:"Bones know")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "BONES KNOW") ]] (link-repeat:"Borges")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "BORGES") ]] (link-repeat:"Cell memory")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "CELL MEMORY") ]] (link-repeat:"Death fear")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Death fear") ]] (link-repeat:"Denial")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "DENIAL") ]] (link-repeat:"Doubled")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "DOUBLED") ]] (link-repeat:"Fall silent")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "FALL SILENT") ]] (link-repeat:"Glass endings")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "GLASS ENDINGS") ]] (link-repeat:"Glass Harmonica")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "GLASS HARMONICA") ]] (link-repeat:"Gynatrisia")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "GYNATRISIA") ]] (link-repeat:"Harm")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "HARM") ]] (link-repeat:"Hysterics")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "HYSTERICS") ]] (link-repeat:"Imbibe")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Imbibe") ]] (link-repeat:"Left angles to the moon")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") ]] (link-repeat:"Life fear")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "LIFE FEAR") ]] (link-repeat:"Life sparks")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "LIFE SPARKS") ]] (link-repeat:"Listen")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "LISTEN") ]] (link-repeat:"Loose souls")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "LOOSE SOULS") ]] (link-repeat:"Lullaby")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "LULLABY") ]] (link-repeat:"Moon blessings")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON BLESSINGS") ]] (link-repeat:"Moon eyes")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON EYES") ]] (link-repeat:"Moon madness")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MADNESS") ]] (link-repeat:"Moon mother")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MOTHER") ]] (link-repeat:"Moon moths")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MOTHS") ]] (link-repeat:"Moonsisters")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOONSISTERS") ]] (link-repeat:"My soul")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "My soul") ]](link-repeat:"is captured")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "is captured") ]](link-repeat:"so far")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "so far") ]](link-repeat:"in my pain")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "in my pain") ]](link-repeat:"that I cannot")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "that I cannot") ]](link-repeat:"free her.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "free her.") ]] (link-repeat:"Oiche Dhuibhre")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "OICHE DHUIBHRE") ]] (link-repeat:"Once again,")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Once again,") ]](link-repeat:"shut downs")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "shut downs") ]](link-repeat:"wash over me")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "wash over me") ]](link-repeat:"leaving only")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "leaving only") ]](link-repeat:"to return.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "to return.") ]] (link-repeat:"Prayer")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "PRAYER") ]] (link-repeat:"Prayers unanswered")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "PRAYERS UNANSWERED") ]] (link-repeat:"Pro Re Nata")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "PRO RE NATA") ]] (link-repeat:"Rage")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Rage") ]] (link-repeat:"Repetition")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "REPETITION") ]] (link-repeat:"Rituals")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "RITUALS") ]] (link-repeat:"Scath Gealach")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "SCATH GEALACH") ]] (link-repeat:"Sole remedy")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "SOLE REMEDY") ]] (link-repeat:"Sticky souls")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "STICKY SOULS") ]] (link-repeat:"Stones understand")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "STONES UNDERSTAND") ]] (link-repeat:"Stubbed out")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Stubbed out") ]] (link-repeat:"The air")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "The air") ]](link-repeat:"between")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "between") ]](link-repeat:"us")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "us") ]](link-repeat:"fades.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "fades.") ]](link-repeat:"She is")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "She is") ]](link-repeat:"alone.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "alone.") ]] (link-repeat:"The moon's price")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOON'S PRICE") ]] (link-repeat:"The most precious")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "THE MOST PRECIOUS") ]] (link-repeat:"Tobacco shards")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Tobacco shards") ]] (link-repeat:"Triumphs")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "TRIUMPHS") ]] (link-repeat:"Warning lights")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "WARNING LIGHTS") ]] (link-repeat:"What I don't know")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "WHAT I DON'T KNOW") ]] (link-repeat:"What the moon forgot")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "WHAT THE MOON FORGOT") ]] (link-repeat:"Wild moons")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "WILD MOONS") ]] </div> </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Profession<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 10/13/96 21: 39 Subject: Something I forgot to mention at the time Do you guys remember me being all excited about facilitated typing in Laurel's first IEP this year? And how they actually took the ideas Chris and I had been using and implemented them in the classroom? I've been thinking about that meeting a lot lately. And it just recently dawned on me what I should have said. (Yeah, I know, most people think of comebacks five minutes after the meeting. Me, it takes a few months. But they are good when I get them.) Ms. Scratcherd, the new school psychologist, (whom they are sharing with six other elementary schools, so she goes, well if this is Tuesday, it must be Cattail Elementary.) Her suits are extremely professional, down to the little lace at the throat that apparently Working Woman still insists is the key to success. Anyway, at one point she turns to me and says, "Well (link-repeat:"MOM")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "There was an old woman", "After the child") (link-goto: "who lived in a shoe", "Before the child") (link-goto: "She had so many", "MOON MOTHER") (link-goto: "childeren she didn't", "MOON FALLEN") (link-goto: "know what to do", "Advocrazy") ]], what do you think?" Now I know. I should have just said, "Gee, I don't know, (link-repeat:"SHRINK")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "She gave them some broth", "Consultants") (link-goto: "without any bread", "looked very hard.") (link-goto: "and whipped them all", "I knew") (link-goto: "soundly and sent", "Bruno") (link-goto: "them to bed.", "The father") ]], what do you think?" But at the time, it didn't occur to me. Too simple, I guess. I just spouted off with the latest theory about opiod excess and gluten sensitivity that I got off the Internet last night. Which got me a big fat nowhere. "Well, MOM(link-repeat:",")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "She gave them some broth", "Consultants") (link-goto: "without any bread", "looked very hard.") (link-goto: "soundly and sent", "Bruno") ]] that idea has never been scientifically validated," she said and left muttering about something. Professional secret societies probably. I forget what. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Getting down to it") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "The father") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>melted?!?<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: melted? How could my children get a hold of anything to melt a plastic tub in a hospital? I asked, my eyes popping out at the possibilities as I went down the bill. The charge for the (link-repeat:"broken light bulb")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Sure. Every kid melts", "glass") (link-goto: "plastic vomit tubs", "Broken wires") (link-goto: "on light bulbs.", "404 error") ]] did shed a wee bit of light on this mystery. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Reputations") (link-goto: "back", "trip") (link-goto: "back", "Emergency placement") (link-goto: "back", "clean") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>she asked<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: A few minutes later, another nurse came in. By this time, my IV'd arm was strapped to the guard rail, my left breast was showing, and I was shivering violently. I told her I was cold, and she brought out warm blankets from the closet. As she tucked me in, she asked if there was anyone I could call - the doctor would like to make sure I had someone around for the next few days in case I lost more blood. She busied herself with injecting a new bottle into the IV. I told her no. While the cold liquid of the anesthetic hit my veins, she asked me, "Well, what are you going to do if you faint?" I told her that if I fainted and died, someone else would definitely have to (link-repeat:"clean up the house.")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Cups and saucers,", "Somehow") (link-goto: "plates and dishes.", "clean") (link-goto: "My body's gone", "Death fear") (link-goto: "to feed the fishes.", "LOOSE SOULS") ]] She laughed and shook her head. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "Warning shot") (link-goto: "back", "had left her") (link-goto: "back", "Out on a limb") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>The answer sheet<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> The answer is that there is no answer. My friends cannot reply when I write. Their hands rest on the keyboard, wondering which of these scraggly black lines could possibly bridge the gap, could form the(link between us. But the gap swallows any words, leaving nothing but silence. Nothing but doom. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="end"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Egress") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>Laurel's World<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. From the Individualized Education Plan, Laurel Murphy. Last updated 8/5/96. This semester, we are going to try facilitated typing. We will use the MacIntosh Plus in the schoolroom and the MacClassic at home. At school, Ms. Lincoln or Ms. Abbot will watch for any interest in the computer. They will ask Laurel if she wants to type. An affirmative response will be a nod or sitting at the computer. At that point, they will open up the FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE folder and create a new document from the template. They will place their palm under Laurel's wrist, firmly, but allowing free movement. They will read aloud any words or sounds produced. Mom will do the same at home and bring in any work on a disk. Dr. Scratchard will examine these facilitated typing exercises at the end of the semester. It must be noted that the school's position is that this exercise will help Laurel understand the relationship between sounds and letters. We do not advocate this technique, nor do we believe it an accurate portrayal of Laurel's level of intelligence or output. The output from these exercises in no way (link-repeat:"reflect Laurel's")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "When we are", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "desperate, we will", "Real words") (link-goto: "take whatever", "Anthropophobia") (link-goto: "words offered,", "people") (link-goto: "--no matter", "books") (link-goto: "how unreliable.", "moon mind") ]] thoughts or level of communication. </div> </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Anthropophobia<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Date: 6/13/93 7:14 Subject: The only thing we have to fear is ourselves Laurel, who just turned 6 today, said one of her first words to me last night and I have not been able to sleep just thinking about it. I think those words were a dream, something you don't quite catch and then you wonder. Did I really see that flower fly? No, of course not. Did that shadow really just move to catch the cat? Nah, a trick of the light. Nothing to it. Did I really hear Laurel say this? No, I was just tired. Maybe. First of all, you have to understand that Laurel has an extremely (link-repeat:"limited vocabulary")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "At times, I think she", "pre-verbal") (link-goto: "speaks quite clearly", "Mama") (link-goto: "and we don't hear it", "Hands on talking") (link-goto: "because we live in", "MOON GIRL") (link-goto: "another dimension.", "say nothing") ]]. She will blow "waa, waa" for something to drink, and may even whisper "shaw, shaw" for a shower. If she is truly in the grip of some emotion (want, happiness, frustration, rage), she will belt out the tune (and occasionally the lyrics) for "peanut, peanut butter." But as for recognizable, contextual speech, there has been nothing. Yet last night, Laurel and I were cuddling up on the sofa in the (link-repeat:"loving room*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "loving room") ]] watching tv, and Janet was running around on the floor, scooting her blocks onto a dump truck and then using Modzilla to stomp the truck, the cat, and the floor. Laurel just stared at her, then at me and then came close to my face and blew into my eyes. I moved over and Laurel straddled my lap and faced me. This in itself is odd, because she shies away from faces, rocking carefully and staring at the floor whenever she has to face someone. But she looked at me and said, "I scared". Not knowing for sure if she really did speak, and if she did, if she was actually communicating with me or just repeating something she had heard off the tv or echoing Janet's screaming dolls who were now running away from Modzilla as fast as possible, I asked her, "What are you scared of, Laurel?" Immediately, without any delay whatsoever, she replied, "People". She then laid her head on my shoulder and hugged me *really* tight for about 3 minutes or so. I stared at her, unable to reply. The tv and Janet's stomping seemed unreal in the silence after this. The soft tissue of her voice lingered in my mind like a ghost's kiss. Later that night, I went into her room and saw her lying rigid, eyes wide open. In the middle of the floor were two of Janet's dolls - poised to devour the Modzilla. Laurel did not move as I stood in the doorway, (link-repeat:"watching her staring")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "I am terrified of", "LEFT ANGLES TO THE MOON") (link-goto: "what she might see.", "MOON EYES") ]] at the moon. Does this sound familiar to anyone at all? </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Train's booked solid") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "On an orphan train") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>MOON BLESSINGS<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> Giver of light, grant us your vision. Holder of dark, hold also our sorrows. Lover of clouds, show us your mercy. Creator of purity, heal our sins. Weaver of dreams, capture our (link-repeat:"illusions")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Bringer of death,", "WARNING LIGHTS") (link-goto: "into our souls.", "FALL SILENT") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="MS"> (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "IN THE BEGINNING") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="MS1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Take me for a ride") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container5"></div>cds<div class="container5"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> IntelliType FACILITATED TYPING EXERCISE. DATE: 1/13/97 BEGIN TIME: 13:34 END TIME: 14:01 FACILITATOR: Marilyn The eyes see the other face behind the colors of the cd. The face and the eyes rock in sync, the same air currents of dust part for both. The eyes stare at the other eyes. They do not move back and forth. They stay steady like dark brown mountains. They hold back the colors. They make it safe. Everything is safe. Then the others, the human people touch the cd. Bend the light. Make the eyes move up. This is not safe. This breaks the dark mountains and the moon can come in whenever she wants to. The mind's soul wants the moon to stay away. The mind wants the cd safe. No, No. No, No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Stay Away No. </div> </div> (link-repeat:'<div class="CI"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON MOTHS") ]]] <div class="L"> (link-repeat:'<div class="L1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "pine secrets") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="L1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon cd") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container1"></div>Scouting<div class="container1"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: mmarconi@netcom.com, grahambell@aol.com, grever@ibr8smtp... From: Sarah Subject: A class all unto her own Date: 11/27/95 Janet has been in the Brownies for an entire two months and can speak of nothing else. She knows what badges she wants to earn–has a list on her wall with dates and everything. Suzie's mother, Karen, is the den mother and has the ten little girls all ecstatic over her agendas. Already, they have learned the Tennesee waltz, (link-repeat:"tried the scottish polka*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "scottish polka") ]], had a lemonade sale, and made yarn octopi and (link-repeat:"god's eyes*")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "god's eyes") ]]. They have plans for learning Japanese flower arranging, going to the water works to see how pipes fit together, and riding with a (link-repeat:"policeman")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "charges") ]] for a day. Janet says that Laurel would want to go into Girl Scouts. She brings home some (link-repeat:"yellow and green")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Yellow is the color", "Yellow and green") (link-goto: "of my true love's hair,", "Leaving") (link-goto: "Green are her eyes", "trees") (link-goto: "and her skin is", "We take our destiny") (link-goto: "sun fair.", "Life in the good lane") ]] yarn and two glued together popsicle sticks to show Laurel how to make her very own god's eye. She takes Laurel's hand in hers and together they weave the yarn under and over, under and over. Laurel actually sits still for this for ten minutes, and snatches the half-finished god's eye out of Janet's hands. Then she sits in the middle of the kitchen floor, trying to spin it. Janet and I watch open mouthed as she does get a few turns from it. "See, I told you she wanted to join the Girl Scouts." Janet said triumphantly. Just where she made this brilliant logic leap is beyond my meager analytical skills. So I said I'd see what I could do. I called up Karen first, and she hemmed and hawed. I climbed the phone tree, going after one person, then another, doubling back occasionally (Call Mrs X? But Mrs. X said to call YOU!). After going up and down the alphabet a couple of times, I reached a kindly Mrs. P (for Patterson). She said that while (link-repeat:"no troop would take Laurel")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "As Kermit the Frog", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "once noted,", "Follow up") (link-goto: "It's not easy,", "show and tell") (link-goto: "being green.", "in after hours") ]], we could make an official troop of one for her. We would Laurel-ize the criteria for badges and for trips. She could join other troops as a guest - where appropriate, where all children and their mothers agree in advance, where it would not pose any threat to anyone, where etc. where etc. So now Laurel is the Girl Scout Troop 001. (We tried to make it 007, but that was already taken.) I have the paperwork and everything all finished. We held our first meeting, but Laurel was much more interested in the cd she was holding than the badges. We have to find some badges that really shine. Or that look like, act like, and taste like orange starburst candy. Then maybe she'll notice. </div> </div> <div class="HL"> (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Flyer") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="HL1B"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Bake sale") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container3"></div>ok<div class="container3"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> NOTE: Ok, Ok. Anything to (link-repeat:"shut up")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Knock, knock", "Steamed clams") (link-goto: "Who's there?", "Advocrazy") (link-goto: "Play kate.", "OICHE DHUIBHRE") (link-goto: "Play kate who?", "ALTERED SACRIFICES") (link-goto: "Placate the mother--", "Sidestreaming") (link-goto: "it's a lot easier.", "Flea Training") ]] mother and daughter. </div> </div> (link-repeat: '<div class="back"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "back", "School success!") (link-goto: "back", "once,") ]]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container2"></div>DEATH WAITS FOR LIFE<div class="container2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> To: Sarah Murphy From: Sarah Subject: Truth files Laurel's atoms, embued with the moon's knowing, proved too large for those of us condemned to breathe only in this world. The shadows of sanity lost themselves in her senses, drowning in the luminescence that shone from Laurel's pores. And we, living among only the husks of shadows, could not see her light. Thus we wrapped her as we would have wrapped the moon's words, if only we had known. First in clothes of (link-repeat:"yellow")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "MOON STORIES") ]] and green, then in words ("(link-repeat:"autistic")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Autism") ]]," "Rhett's,""retarded," " unacceptable"), then drapes of drugs (Clonidine, Risperdal, Naltrexone, Clomipramine, Prozac, Thorazine), finally sterner stuff of leather restraints and bricks. The moon knew this. Waited. Came down for her. And I watched her go. (link-repeat:"Again")[(display:"Modal code")(append:?modal)[ (link-goto: "Hieronymo") ]]. </div> </div> <div class="GP"> (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1A"></div>')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "BESTOWING BIRTHRIGHTS") ]]] (link-repeat:'<div class="GE1B"></div> ')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "moon beings", "MOON STORIES") (link-goto: "Laurel", "Cat's eyes") (link-goto: "Under", "Undercoverings") (link-goto: "blood drips", "Selene's dreams") ]]] </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

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<div class="box title-page"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto: "Title page")</p></div>  </div>  |card>[ <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="l1"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto: "Laurel's World")</p></div> <a class="inner" id="t1"></a> <a class="inner2" id="t2"></a> <a class="inner" id="t3"></a> </div> ](click: ?card)[ (goto: "Laurel's World Map") ]  </div>  <div class="box sarah-w" id="a1"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Running")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a2"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Grocery shopping")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a3"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Take me for a ride")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a4"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"For richer")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a5"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Social Services")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a6"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Smooth skiing")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a7"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Whatcha gonna do")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a8"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"For poorer")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a9"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Emergency")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a10"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Aftermath")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a11"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Social decision")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a12"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Out of options")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a13"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Steamed clams")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a14"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Advocrazy")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a15"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Leaving")</p></div> </div> <div class="box sarah-w" id="a16"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"Somehow")</p></div> </div>

<div class="map"> (bg:red)[] <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a1"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"books")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a2"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"stones")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a3"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"carpet")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a4"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"hands")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a5"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"snowvoice")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a6"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"hideouts")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a7"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"people")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a8"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"doors")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a9"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"filigree")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a10"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"papers")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a11"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"practice")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a12"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"bridges")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a13"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"darkness")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a14"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"clothes")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a15"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"gravy")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a16"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"potatoe eyes")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a17"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"trees")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a18"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"cars")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a19"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"peanut butter")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a20"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"dust")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a21"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"bones")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a22"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"clouds")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a23"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"doorlights")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l1-a24"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"glass")</p></div> </div> (bg:red)[] <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a1"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"cold sun")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a2"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"disharmonics")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a3"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"pine secrets")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a4"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"cds")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a5"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon cd")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a6"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon closets")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a7"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon door")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a8"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon mind")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a9"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon hole")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a10"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"other moons")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a11"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon skin")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a12"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon flesh")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a13"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"blood talks")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a14"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"numbers know")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a15"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"water falls")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l2-a16"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"water drowns")</p></div> </div> (bg:red)[] <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a1"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"carpet knows")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a2"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon wants")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a3"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"clouds creep")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a4"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"everything waits")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a5"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"letters come")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a6"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"grass talks")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a7"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"moon breaks")</p></div> </div> <div class="box laurel yellow-lg" id="lg-l3-a8"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"dandelion blood")</p></div> </div> (bg:red)[] <div class="box laurel green-lg" id="lg-l4-a1"> <div class="header"><p><span>¶</span>(link-goto:"You know")</p></div> </div> </div>

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="WS2"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> //Welcome to the Twine version of (link: "Stone Moons")[(goto: "Title page")]. This work was originally built in StorySpace (1995 -1999) and (link: "never published")[(goto: "Publisher information")]. Whenever I have described this (link: "stillborn, dead")[(goto: "2025 Background")] work for the last quarter of a century, I pick up a cup--preferably a wine glass. I point to the bottom of the cup, which represents Laurel's World. Laurel, a pre-verbal autistic child, communicates with a typewriter as someone holds her wrist over the keyboard. Then I show the rim of the cup, which represents the main actions in Sarah's chronicle. Sarah, the mother of Laurel and her other neurotypical child Jane, writes and dictates her emails about struggling to advocate for Laurel's education and her fights with the State of Colorado's Powers That Be. I caress the sides of the cup which details these pivotal events or goes off into tangents mostly related to these events. And then I swirl the liquid inside the cup, as if filled with the mysterious portents of the moon's blood. As Laurel approaches puberty, the Moon enters Sarah's innermost fears as she struggle to save Laurel's soul from the Moon. See our (link: "spreadsheet")[(goto-url: 'https://deenalarsen.net/stone/stonespread.pdf')]. (link: "Deena Larsen")[(goto-url: 'http://www.deenalarsen.net')], June 1, 2025. // ''2025 Acknowledgements'' Thanks go to Evan Leyden, Jenn Nguyen, and Quinn Carrick, at Washington State University in Vancouver, who have painstakingly resurrected this work from a 1999 corrupted StorySpace file. Thanks to (link: "Dene Grigar")[(goto-url:'https://www.nouspace.net/index.html')] and her (link: "Electronic Literature Lab")[(goto-url:'https://dtc-wsuv.org/electronic-literature-lab/')] for giving us the space to make this happen. And thank you, dear explorer, for bringing this work into a new light. </div> </div> (css: " font-family: 'Brush Script MT', cursive; font-size: 2.5em; color: #222; text-shadow: 1px 1px 0px black; font-weight: bold; display: inline-block; padding: 6px 12px; border-radius: 8px; transition: all 0.3s ease; cursor: pointer; display: flex; justify-content: center; ")+(hover-style: (css: " color: #03a09e; transform: scale(1.05); "))[[[Enter Stone Moons|Title page]]]

<div class="tw-passage"> <h2 class> <div class="container6"></div>2025 Background<div class="container6"></div></h2> <div class="sarah"> //I wrote this work between 1995 and 1999, as my dear friend was fighting with the school system to get her pre-verbal autistic child desperately needed help. I transformed my friend's emails and her on-the-fly audio notes into written missives to help her advocate for her child while she grappled with the school and medical systems. I also used her notes as the basis for this not-quite-fictive work. As we worked together, this process was often our only therapy, our only solace during some agonizingly dark times. ''What happened to this work?'' Stone Moons was originally a Storyspace hypertext work with 479 text fragments (I had planned for an even 500) and 6,200 links (planned for 6,666). However, this work became too large, and the program's memory limits could not handle the overload. The file became corrupted and would not preserve any additions. In 1999, at CyberMountain (a seminal hypertext writers conference), Mark Bernstein (Eastgate Systems' Chief Scientist) and I declared the work dead. I would have had to retype and re-link everything. And even then, I would have run into the same buffer problem that caused the corruption in the first place. Computers then were just not big enough to hold my imagination. ''What happened in real life?'' The Powers That Be got much more Federal money when severely disabled children were in State's rather than in parental custody. And thus, in 1999, soon after Cybermountain, the State of Colorado took custody of my friend's child--saying that encouraging this disabled child to cook independently was child abuse and citing a burned foot from spilled boiling noodles. After an extended stay in a padded room with no toilet, my friend's child lost most of the hard-gained abilities we related in Stone Moons and has lived in a sheltered institutional environment without improvement ever since. We dropped this project and started advocating for reforms in Colorado's Child Protective System. ''How did this get resurrected?'' Stone Moons languished over the years, and I called this work my own stillborn child. In 2023-24, I did a school year's gig as an Artist in Residence at Washington State University at Vancouver. Dene Grigar encouraged me to resurrect this massive work. Her Electronic Literature Lab holds the ancient computers that could still run the corrupted version of Stone Moons. WSUV students Quinn Carrick, Jenn Nguyen, and Evan Leyden used a 1997 computer and painstakingly copied and pasted the texts and their links to a spreadsheet. They then created brilliant hacks for Twine to accommodate the multi-headed link monsters I had created. (I loved seeing them laugh throughout the process as they uncovered these hidden story links) We have left this work intact as an unfinished work--except for fixing a few glaring errors, and recreating the navigational story for [[the Moon|Selene's dreams]] and the navigational jokes for [[Sarah|Undercoverings]]. Deena Larsen, June 1, 2025.// </div> </div> _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

(set: $delay to 300) (css: " text-align: center; line-height: 0.8; display: flex; flex-direction: column; ")[ (css: " font-family: 'Brush Script MT', cursive; color: #03a09e; font-size: 8em; font-weight: bold; text-shadow: 4px 4px 4px black; ")[Stone Moons] <hr style='width: 60%; border: 1px solid #555; margin: 1em auto;'> Reconstructed By<br><br> (css: "font-style: italic;")[Quinn Carrick]<br> (css: "font-style: italic;")[Evan Leyden]<br> (css: "font-style: italic;")[Jenn Nguyen] <br><br> (css: " font-size: 0.9em; color: #555; font-style: normal; ")[This work was originally in Storyspace (1995 – 1999) and has been [[re-imagined in Twine|2025 Background]] in 2025] ] (live: 1)[(set: $delay to $delay - 1)(if: $delay is 0)[(stop:)(goto: "Title page")]] _______________________ ''(text-colour:navy)[(link-repeat: 'Sarah')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Undercoverings") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:red)[(link-repeat: 'Moon')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Selene's dreams") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:green)[(link-repeat: 'Laurel')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Cat's eyes") ]]]]'' / ''(text-colour:black)[(link-repeat: 'Map')[(display: "Modal code")(append: ?modal)[(set: $modal to true)(if: $modal)[ (link-goto: "Sarah", "Home Map") (link-goto: "Laurel's World", "Laurel's World Map") ]]]]'' _______________________

(css: " bottom: 0.5em; font-size: 0.6em; color: #999; opacity: 0.4; pointer-events: none; ")[Version 1.0.2]